


You Know That (Is Nothing New)

by RubyTuesday5681



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Agoraphobia, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Autumn, Chaptered, Complete, Dog(s), F/M, Fingerfucking, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, M/M, Nightmares, Oral Sex, POV Third Person Limited, Rating: NC17, Rimming, Summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-28
Updated: 2012-01-28
Packaged: 2017-10-30 05:50:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 104,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/328442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubyTuesday5681/pseuds/RubyTuesday5681
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s five years in the future (From 2011). The world is pretty much the same, only Frank and Gerard are just now meeting. Here is what Frank and Gerard’s lives might be like if there had never been any MCR. This is how they can find happiness in the mundane and find love with each other when they are brave enough to open their hearts and let the deepest wounds close up for good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No one knows where our secrets go

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is greatly inspired by the song You Know That (is nothing new) by Bill Mallonee and Vigilantes of Love. A live version of the song can be viewed on YouTube [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMQcAaBFODE) (though he fucks up the words a bit) and it’s available from itunes for $0.99. I highly recommend it.  
> Frank’s band is called Strike the Demons, this is a reference to the Smashing Pumpkins song _Mayonaise_. Chapter titles come from this song.  
>  I don’t know anything about the process of publishing comic books. I apologize for any and all errors in my references to this process.

**No one knows where our secrets go**

_  
You’re a treasure no one opened, you’re that diamond no one found.  
There’s no casual liaison when you’re heart is in the clouds.  
I could have been your bit of style, could have been your bit of grace.  
I could have been the way the starlight played upon your face, starlight played upon your face._

Frank’s been watching this ant for about twenty minutes now. There was a scattering of cookie crumbs from his lunch under the desk. Frank couldn’t be bothered to get up and get the broom, so the crumbs just sat there after lunch. He’ll have to sweep up when he closes anyway and it’s just too hot to get up if he doesn’t have to. About a half hour after he finished eating, the ant found the crumbs and began hauling them away, across the small office space and over to the wall where there must be a gap or crevice of some kind under the counter where the ant must live. The ant returns a moment later with a friend. By their third trip hauling the crumbs away, Frank thinks he might not have to sweep the crumbs up after all, since the ants are cleaning them up for him. It’s sort of like how he never has to bother sweeping his kitchen at home after meals because the dogs always just eat up anything he drops. 

Frank’s ant fascination is interrupted when his co-worker gives a startling shriek. 

“Ants!” she screams. “Step on them, Frank, kill them!”

Frank shrugs. “They aren’t hurting anything.”

“If there are two, there’s bound to be more. I knew I should have put out more ant poison,” Maria grumbles as she grabs the broom from the corner and begins sweeping up the offending mess, ants landing in the dustpan right along with the crumbs before she opens the door and empties the dustpan out into the bushes beside the front steps. “Where were they taking the crumbs? I should spray the whole area with bleach in case there are more living under there.”

Frank sighs and gestures vaguely toward the spot under the counter to where the ants had been absconding with their food. 

“I don’t understand how you can sit there passively watching the office be infested with ants and yet you scream and run away if you see a spider,” Maria chides as she sprays down the lower part of the cabinets and the floor in front of the counter with bleach water.

“Spiders are different. Spiders are evil.”

“They are not, either! Spiders are the good ones! They catch and eat the bad bugs like the mosquitoes and the flies and the _ants_!”

“Aha!” Frank exclaims. “Spiders are mean! They pick on the poor, helpless, smaller bugs!”

Maria rolls her eyes. “Really, Frank? Blood-sucking mosquitoes are poor and helpless?”

Frank scratches his head at that. “Well, no. I guess the spiders can have the mosquitoes.” He pauses. “But they shouldn’t do it around me and I don’t have to like them for it.”

Maria laughs, putting away the bleach water in the cleaning supplies cabinet. “Fair enough,” she says kindly and ruffles Frank’s hair as she walks out of the room calling over her shoulder, “I’m going to bring in kennel two and let kennel three go out for a while.”

Frank nods even though she can’t see him. He hears barking coming from the kennel rooms and the yard as Maria and a couple of volunteers work on rounding up the twenty or so dogs that are outside, and get them settled back in their crates before letting out a new group of dogs. 

Frank likes his job at the animal shelter, but he likes it better on days when he gets to mostly work with the dogs. He and Maria switch off and today is a front desk day for him. It’s really fine, but on hot afternoons like this, it can get boring when no one comes in looking for a new pet. 

Frank has that thought in mind when the bell over the door rings, letting in a couple of potential customers. There is a familiar looking woman with black hair, tattoos, and a lot of black eyeliner dragging along a bored looking Mikey Way. Frank perks up at this development. “Mikey!” he exclaims, face spreading into a smile as he walks around the counter to give Mikey a hug. 

“Hey man,” Mikey says quietly.

Frank bounces out of the hug. It’s been such a boring day he’s thrilled to see a friendly face. “What brings you in? You looking for a dog?!”

Mikey gets a pinched expression as the woman says happily, “Yes! We want a dog, and Mikey said we could only get one from you, since this is the only no-kill shelter in the area.”

Frank beams proudly. “That’s right. All our animals stay with us until they are adopted or have lived out their lives. You made a good decision coming here instead of a pet store.”

Mikey seems to be trying not to roll his eyes, he’s heard this spiel before. “Frank, you remember my wife, Alicia.” Mikey puts his hand on Alicia’s shoulder.

“Oh yeah! It’s been a while, but yeah, I remember now!” Frank says, pulling her in for a quick hug. “What kind of dog are you guys looking for?”

Frank directs the question at Alicia, but Mikey replies before she can say anything, “A small one.”

Alicia nods, still smiling. “Yes, a small one, but other than that, we don’t really care. We aren’t picky.”

This is good news. The fewer stipulations the customer has, the more likely they’ll find a dog they like. “That’s great! I’ll take you into the kennels, so you can meet some of the dogs.”

Frank manages to convince Maria to trade jobs with him for a while, so he can be in back with Mikey and Alicia, while she mans the front desk. He spends over an hour with them, introducing them to all of his favorites of the smaller dogs. Alicia likes so many that it’s hard for her to choose, but after taking several dogs out in the yard to play with, she finally settles on a slightly overweight, approximately three-year-old female named Pebbles.

They think Pebbles is probably part Beagle and part Cardigan Welsh Corgi, but it’s hard to tell with the dogs that come in as strays. When Pebbles arrived at the shelter almost a year ago, she was actually skinny and had parasites that took three courses of medicine to finally kill off. She’s not so skinny any more, though. Perfectly healthy now, she’s the sweetest dog ever. The only problem they’ve ever had with her is that she tends to take food from the other dogs. It’s like she’s afraid each meal might be her last chance to eat for a while, like she’s not convinced that she really will get fed again. Frank’s seen this kind of thing before with dogs who were strays for a long time. They have this survival instinct wired into them and they tend to overeat because they fear each meal may be their last. Some dogs never really get over that. It’s sad, and just one more thing that makes Frank angry at irresponsible pet owners and makes him feel really good about his less-than-glamorous job. It’s certainly not what he would have pictured himself doing at 34, but he does enjoy it and he feels like he’s making a difference. 

It takes some time to go over all of the paperwork with Mikey and Alicia. They both have to sign agreements that they’ll provide Pebbles with proper veterinary care and find a new home for her, should they ever have changes in life circumstances that require them to give her up. After the paperwork, all that’s left is for Pebbles to be groomed and have a full physical, and for the vet to sign off on her general health and well being. Then Mikey and Alicia can take her home.

It’s too late in the day for Pebbles to get in to see the vet, so Frank makes her an appointment for first thing in the morning. Alicia is a bit disappointed that they can’t take her home tonight.

“What time does she have to be picked up tomorrow?” Alicia asks.

Frank looks at the day planner on the desk. “Her vet appointment is for 9 AM, so probably any time after 10 would be fine.”

“Hmmm, Mikey and I will both be at work by then. Can we pick her up after work?”

“You can, but tomorrow is our early day, we close at four,” Frank says apologetically. The shelter opens late one day each week and closes early one day to keep employees from having overtime, since everyone works a half-day most weekends.

Alicia frowns and looks at Mikey, “Neither one of us gets off that early…” she trails off.

“It’s no problem for her to stay here an extra night, you guys can come get her on Friday.”

Alicia’s pulling on Mikey’s arm now. “I don’t want to wait that long to take her home, maybe you could take a long lunch and get her during your break?” She’s close to whining now and Mikey pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“I can’t tomorrow. I have a lunch meeting with two execs from New York. But maybe…” Mikey scratches his neck. “Could someone else pick her up for us?” 

“Oh sure!” Frank nods enthusiastically. “Just let us know who’s coming. You can call if you aren’t sure yet. They’ll need to bring a photo ID and they can take her for you. That’s no problem at all.”

Alicia looks puzzled, but now Mikey looks relieved. “Okay cool,” he says. “Can I call you in the morning to let you know who it’ll be? I think maybe my mom or my brother.”

Alicia cuts him off. “Not Gerard. Mikey, no, he’ll lose her or something.”

Mikey shushes her. “He’ll be fine, he can handle this. And maybe it won’t matter. We’ll ask my mom first.”

Alicia appears to be mollified by this and begins gathering up all of the paperwork.

Mikey gives Frank a quick hug and a ‘thanks man’ before they head out the door. Frank can hear Alicia admonishing him in the parking lot before the door closes completely.

Frank watches them get into the car and ponders the exchange as he begins cleaning up and closing the office. He sticks his head in back to say goodnight to Maria, who’s still closing up the kennels, before heading out to his car. As he crosses the parking lot, he can’t help but admit to himself that he really hopes Mikey’s mom won’t be available tomorrow. He is quite curious to meet the grown man who may not be competent enough to collect a smallish dog from an animal shelter and take it home.

*_*_*

As soon as Frank’s key enters the lock on his apartment door, the barking starts. By the time he gets the door open, little nails are scratching on the wood and then he has three wet noses butting into his belly and hips as his dogs jump up in greeting. He knows he shouldn’t let them jump up like this, but they are just excited, and the warm welcome always makes him feel so nice when he gets home after a long day.

According to his lease agreement, he’s actually only allowed to have two dogs in this building, but when he found Kirby nosing through the dumpsters in the back alley, he just fell in love. He put up signs all around town for weeks, but no one claimed him. Frank should have just brought Kirby in to work. He really couldn’t afford a third dog. But after he had been in the apartment for a week, Frank found that he just couldn’t part with him. Frank had begged his landlord to let him stay, and had ended up getting his way in the end after much hemming and hawing on the landlord’s part. Of course, it does help that his landlord is also his good friend, Ray, whom he’s known since high school and who has never really been able to say no to Frank about anything.

Frank smiles, thinking about Ray and his weak spot for him, as he leashes up the dogs and takes them outside for their evening walk. They all stop to pee before not too long and Frank just watches them fondly as they nose around in the yards on their street, sniffing and looking for good places to do their business. His three best friends, Kirby- the Chihuahua and something mutt, along with Princess- the Basset Hound, and Tigger- the brindle something and pug mutt. The three of them manage to keep Frank pretty busy. Frank found Kirby about six months after his last serious relationship ended.

He pulls his cigarettes out of his pocket and lights one up as he thinks about that. Leslie had been great but… but what? Frank doesn’t know. He never did figure it out. What he remembers the most about the end was that Leslie would complain that he often had to bail out of things because of the dogs. He didn’t like to leave them alone all night, and he liked to go home before going out after work so that he could feed them and let them out. She kept implying somehow that the solution to this problem would be for her to move in with him, so that she could help with the dogs and they could spend their nights together without having to worry about them. When she did sleep over, she didn’t even mind that the dogs slept in the bed with them, though, she did suggest once that when she moved in, they should get a king sized bed to accommodate everyone. 

Leslie was great. She was independent about most things. She was happy. She had a great job teaching preschool and she loved it. She supported Frank in everything he did and went to all of his band’s shows whenever she could, but… And Frank still doesn’t know what. All he really knew was that he didn’t want her to move in. But he didn’t want to break up either, the sex was great and he always had fun and felt happy when he was with her. She wasn’t even asking for marriage or kids or anything. She was several years younger than him, so she wasn’t freaking out about that stuff too badly, yet. Frank figures that in the end, she really only wanted to feel settled. And Frank just… didn’t. 

Leslie had been accepted to a great grad school program in the city. She had originally planned to commute daily from Jersey, but one day it was like… it was sort of like she just _woke up_. Actually, she really had just woken up. They were in bed together doing some nice, sweet morning kissing when she pulled back and told him she was moving to New York. That she’d found a job there working with teen moms in Harlem and the hours wouldn’t conflict with her grad school courses, so she was moving. And also she was breaking up with him. Because as much as she loved him, she loved herself more, and if she wasn’t going to be settled with Frank, then she needed to move on with her own life. 

Frank thinks about all of this as he heads back to the apartment with the dogs. He makes himself ramen noodle soup for dinner and eats it while watching cartoons on TV. He still talks to Leslie a lot, probably at least once a week. He feels like they really have beaten the odds and managed to stay actual friends. He supposes he should feel good about that and he does. But sometimes he thinks it’s strange that now, almost a year later, he still thinks about her and feels sad that they aren’t together anymore. 

Not that Frank is sad, he thinks as he rinses out his bowl and sticks it in the dishwasher. He’s not sad at all. He likes his life. He loves his job. He has great friends. He loves playing in his band. He loves his dogs. His life is great. He has nothing to be sad about. He tells himself this firmly as he goes about preparing a pot of coffee and setting it to start brewing at 7:30 in the morning. 

Frank shakes himself out of his reverie, mentally and physically. He looks at the clock to find that it’s not even eight yet. It’s definitely not too late to play his guitar for a while, that always makes him feel better. He plugs in and plays through some silly warm-ups and finger exercises, then does a bunch of his favorite cover songs and even works on some original stuff that Strike the Demons, his band, have been working on. He doesn’t really sing along much, just focuses on playing, and the time flies. He ends up playing until 10:05. For some reason, he always feels the need to push it five minutes past the time he’s technically allowed to play. Of course, Ray is always reminding him that if he’d just play his acoustic in the bathroom (which doesn’t share any walls with other apartments) he could play all night if he wanted to. Right. Frank is going to sit in the bathroom to play his guitar. Not so much. Anyway, sometimes the acoustic just isn’t the same. 

*_*_*

When he gets out of the shower in the morning, Frank finds that he has a voicemail from Mikey. Too curious to wait, he listens to it right away. 

“Hey Frank, sorry to call so early. I just wanted to let you know that Gerard’s going to be picking up Pebbles today. I honestly have no idea what time he’ll show up, but he knows you close at four so… Anyway, if there’s any issue or anything, call Alicia. She’ll be easier to reach than me. And uh, thanks for all your help yesterday, man. Alicia’s really happy. She’s been bugging me about getting a dog for like, forever. So, I guess I’ll see you at the show Saturday night? Later.”

Frank can’t help but smile. He’s going to get to meet the mysterious and elusive Gerard Way, after all. Mikey has only mentioned him a few times. All Frank really knows is that he’s an artist and he writes comic books. Also, he’s apparently a recluse who rarely leaves his house. During one particularly drunken conversation, Mikey admitted that he used to try to get Gerard to go out all the time. He’d drag him to concerts and parties and Gerard would never have any fun. Frank can still remember the sadness in Mikey’s voice as he trailed off, saying vaguely that something happened with Gerard about five years ago that made Mikey give up on his social life. Apparently Mikey’s just left him alone about it ever since. 

*_*_*

Frank ends up having desk duty again that morning. At around 9:30, a group of potential donors comes in for a tour. Maria always does the tours. She’s been here longer and is much better than Frank at talking up the place and selling all the reasons why rich people and organizations should donate money to the shelter. 

Frank doesn’t mind the extra desk duty so much today. He’s hoping maybe Gerard will get here early enough that he’ll still be in the office and get a chance to see him when he comes in. 

The day is already hot and Frank is sticky with sweat as he tries to get the little desk fan working. He’s on the floor under the desk, wrestling with the plug in the power strip when he hears the bell ring over the door. He jerks up immediately and bangs the top of his head against the underside of the desk. 

“Ah, shit! Fuck!” he yells, and rubs his head vigorously as he stands up slowly. 

He’s still rubbing his head when his vision stops swimming enough for him to see the man standing just inside the door, looking ill-at-ease. Frank tries to smile, but fears it ends up looking more like a grimace. 

The dude just stands there. He’s wearing all black- black jeans, black hoodie (Hoodie? It’s fucking 90 degrees outside!), black hair falling over his face, and black sunglasses. This has got to be Gerard. 

Finally, Frank stops rubbing his head, shakes it a little bit and walks around the desk, extending his hand. “Hi, you must be Gerard, I’m Frank.”

Gerard looks at his hand for a minute, considering it, before finally reaching out and shaking it. “Hi,” he says, stiffly. Gerard’s hand is clammy with sweat and he immediately rubs it on his jeans after letting go of Frank’s hand. “I’m sorry I startled you,” he says, gesturing at Frank’s head. “Are- are you okay?” he stutters a bit.

Frank rubs his head and smiles again. “Oh, I’ll be fine. That desk gets me every time. You’d think one day I would learn.”

Gerard just nods and finally pushes his sunglasses up on to the top of his head, pulling the long, black strands out of his face. And that’s when Frank first sees his eyes. All Frank can think is that Gerard Way has the most beautiful eyes he has ever seen. They are a brown/hazel color that is impossible to describe and they are so, so intense, with these big scraggly eyebrows. Now that Frank is really looking, he notices that Gerard has this cute little turned up nose, the kind of nose that you only see in anime drawings because people are not supposed have noses like that in real life, and there’s this one little freckle on the end of it, just off to one side. Then Gerard clears his throat and says, “Uh,” which makes Frank realize that he has no idea how long he’s been staring at Gerard’s face, but he’s certain that it’s been for an inappropriately long amount of time. 

Frank backs up a step, remembering to breathe again (when had he started holding his breath?) and rubs his hands together. “So, you’re here for Pebbles!” he finally manages to say.

Gerard looks relieved and nods, “Yeah, yes for Mikey and Alicia. They said she’s not too big.”

“No, she’s not,” Frank assures him, wondering why the Way brothers seem to take issue with large dogs. “And you’re in luck! She just got back from the vet and has been groomed, so she’s all nice and clean and ready to go!”

“Oh good,” Gerard says, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot. 

“Okay, I’ll just go and get her,” Frank says, as he heads back into the kennel to get Pebbles. 

When he comes back into the office a few minutes later with the dog, he finds Gerard leaning against the counter reading a pamphlet entitled, ‘Adjusting to life with your new pet: ten easy steps.’

“Thinking about getting a dog?” Frank asks.

Gerard drops the pamphlet, apparently startled. “Oh! No, I um, was just curious. Just curious.” 

Frank nods, handing the leash over to Gerard, whose hand is shaking a bit. “She’s a really good dog, she never even pulls on the leash, see?” Frank says, trying to be reassuring. “We think whoever owned her at first must have spent a lot of time leash-training her.”

Gerard still looks concerned, but less like he wants to run. “Uh, that’s good. Mikey will be glad. He said Alicia agreed she would walk the dog, but I’m not sure how long that’s going to last.” Something about this thought makes Gerard smile just a little and Frank thinks that Gerard Way has the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen. 

Frank gets lost looking at that smile for a moment before Gerard finally coughs and starts looking around anxiously, the hand not holding the leash, scratching absently at his ear. “So, um… is there anything else?”

“Oh!” Frank realizes he’s been staring again. Seriously, what is his deal? “Yeah, I just need you to sign the release, and I need a photo ID, so I know that you really are Mikey’s brother.” Gerard looks at him quizzically, but pulls his driver’s license out of his pocket anyway. Frank feels compelled to explain. “We just need to have the ID on file if anyone other than the owners takes the dog, that’s all. It’s not like I don’t trust you or anything.” 

“Fair enough,” Gerard says, shrugging. 

Frank copies down Gerard’s license number and has him sign the release. For some reason, as he hands Gerard’s ID back to him, he blurts out, “Aren’t you hot?”

Gerard immediately blushes and drops his license on the floor and Frank feels like the biggest dick on the planet. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” he doesn’t know what he meant.

Gerard manages to pick up his license and gets it back into his pocket after some fumbling. “It’s fine,” he says. “I um, I like to keep the air conditioning pretty cold, so I don’t really tend to notice how hot it is until I go outside, but it’s like, the whole world is air conditioned now, so…” Gerard gestures vaguely with his hands.

Frank is nodding. “Oh yeah, of course, except here where we’re stuck in the dark ages with just a window air conditioner that hardly even works.”

“It’s not so bad,” Gerard says. 

“It’s horrible,” Frank argues, “but it’s okay, a little sweat never killed anyone, right?” What is Frank saying? Why is he talking about sweating? 

Gerard nods, smiling. “No, I guess not.” He finally starts moving toward the door, Pebbles obediently follows along with him and suddenly Frank realizes they are leaving.

“Wait!” He runs around to the front of the desk and kneels down to talk to Pebbles. He rubs her soft head, smoothing his hands over her silky ears. “Now listen,” he says to her, “You need to be a good girl for Mikey and Alicia.” Frank stares into her deep brown eyes and is certain that she understands. “They are my friends and you need to be a good dog for them, okay?” Once Frank is convinced that Pebbles has agreed to this, he leans down and kisses her on the white spot on top of her head, before slowly standing up. Gerard is smiling at him like he’s a goon and suddenly Frank feels his face heat up and knows he’s gone about six shades redder. Sometimes he forgets that people who don’t have pets might think it’s odd to talk to animals that way. Gerard isn’t laughing at him, though. He actually just looks… well, he looks happy. It’s a good look for him. 

Frank shrugs and smiles. “Well, alright then. Take good care getting her home,” he says, finally retreating back behind the desk again. 

“I will.” Gerard seems surer of himself, like he’s realized that Pebbles actually is just a nice little dog, not a frightening monster. He turns to leave, but stops when he gets to the door. “Thanks, Frank,” he says, and gives a little wave before walking out, holding the door open for Pebbles as she trails behind him.

“You’re welcome,” Frank breathes, as he watches them walk to the car. Gerard opens the car door and ushers Pebbles into the passenger seat. She gets in willingly, like she knows she’s finally going home. It makes Frank happy, Pebbles deserves a good home, all dogs do.

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard isn’t sure what to make of this dog. From the corner of his eye as he’s driving, he can see that she’s sitting up and watching the road in front of them with utmost interest and no apprehension at all whatsoever. 

“Why are you so trusting?” he asks her.

She just continues looking out the window, panting softly. They way the sides of her mouth curl up, it almost looks like she’s smiling.

“I could be taking you anywhere, you know? I might not be a nice person. Not all people _like_ dogs.”

Pebbles turns and looks at him, regarding him for a moment and blinking slowly. Gerard feels that she’s trying to bait him and doesn’t take his eyes off the road. He imagines her answer would be something along the lines of, “Frank wouldn’t send me off with someone who would do anything bad to me.” 

Gerard huffs and thinks of course he wouldn’t. Frank. Gerard gets stuck on that thought for a moment, long enough for Pebbles’ attention to be drawn to something out the side window.

They are stopped at a red light and Gerard begins chewing on his thumb nail. Frank, at first glance, does not look like the kind of guy who would talk to a dog like it’s a person. All those tattoos. So many that Gerard didn’t even know where to look first. He thinks that Frank is the kind of guy that everyone would assume is really tough, until they see him smile… or talk to a dog. 

Gerard pulls a bit too hard at his thumbnail when the car behind him honks, startling him. He realizes the light is green at the same time he sees that he’s bitten his nail down to the quick and it’s bleeding. He sucks on his thumb for the rest of the drive to Mikey and Alicia’s house. 

Once he’s parked, he fumbles around for a moment, trying to find the end of Pebbles’ leash. She notices his bleeding finger and begins licking enthusiastically at it, cleaning up the blood. “Oh eww!” he exclaims, “You really don’t have to do that.” 

Gerard pulls his finger back, wiping it on his jeans and Pebbles gives him an odd look, as if to say, “Of course I have to do that, you’re bleeding.” 

This dog thinks she has it all figured out. 

Gerard smokes a cigarette as he walks Pebbles around the front yard for a while, giving her a chance to do her business before finally leading her inside. He promised he wouldn’t leave her alone, so he settles in to wait until Alicia gets home from work. He starts a pot of coffee brewing in the kitchen, turns the television on the Cartoon Network on mute, and then turns the thermostat down to 69 degrees. He’d make it colder, but he knows Mikey will complain about the electric bill and Alicia will complain that it’s freezing. They turn the temperature up to 78 while they’re out of the house during the day at work, Gerard doesn’t get how anyone can stand coming home to a hot house after working all day.

“Pebbles, you have a fur coat,” Gerard remarks, Pebbles looks at him as if he is captain obvious. “You have to tell them that 78 is too hot. You’re going to be too hot if they leave it that high while they’re gone.” Pebbles doesn’t seem particularly concerned, she merely resumes her interested sniffing of her new home. 

Once the coffee is brewed, Gerard pours himself a cup and sits down with it and his sketchpad, fully intending to brainstorm story board ideas for his next comic. It seems all he wants to draw is dogs, though, and no story ideas involving dogs come to mind. 

After sniffing every room in the small house, Pebbles finally returns to the living room where Gerard is sitting on the couch, drawing. She looks at him and the couch for a moment and then blinks, as though asking permission. Gerard has no idea if she’s allowed on the furniture or not. He decides that since he’s an uncle now, he can make the decision that Pebbles is allowed on the couch, even if only to cuddle with him. He pats the space next to him and she jumps up immediately, turning around in a circle three times before flopping down and falling asleep in about 35 seconds flat. Gerard absently pets her head where it’s resting on his leg and figures she probably is tired. It’s been an exciting day for her, so far.

What Gerard really can’t get over is how soft Pebbles is. He strokes her head over and over with his left hand, while he sketches with his right. He draws Pebbles; her long floppy ears, her wet black nose, the strip of white along the top of her muzzle. He eventually gets bored with detailed drawings and flips to a new page to begin a rough sketch of Pebbles standing in front of the desk at the animal shelter. It doesn’t take him long to get her form drawn and then without really thinking about it, Gerard begins to draw Frank, kneeling down in front of Pebbles, his tattooed hands gently holding either side of her head. Frank is looking into Pebbles’ eyes and from his serious expression you can tell he is saying something gravely important. 

Gerard works for a while on Frank’s tattoos, trying his best to remember as many of them as he can. He has no trouble remembering Frank’s face- his freakishly perfect brows; the deep folds of his eyelids; the freckles on his nose; his soft-looking, moist lips. Gerard finishes the drawing of Frank, with wisps of dark brown, almost-black hair falling down to just cover his ears and lay in comma shaped, almost-curls over his forehead, just barely touching his eyebrows.

Gerard considers the drawing for a moment. He can’t figure out what’s missing. Then, he sees it. It’s Pebbles. He adds lines to indicate movement in her tail. Her tail was wagging the whole time Frank was talking to her. As if Frank giving her his devoted attention, even for a moment, made Pebbles feel like the most important dog in the world. 

Gerard laughs. “I get it,” he says, looking down at Pebbles, who is stubbornly pretending to still be asleep. “You have a crush on Frank.” Pebbles doesn’t open her eyes to answer him, but Gerard isn’t fooled. “You totally do,” he says fondly, still stroking her soft fur. 

\+ *_*_* +

By Saturday night, it’s become apparent to Frank that it’s not going to be easy to get Gerard Way out of his head. 

Frank’s not even sure exactly what it is that’s got him so fixated. Gerard didn’t do or say anything super cool or funny. Frank doesn’t really even know enough from what Mikey’s told him to be able to say he finds Gerard interesting. After going around in circles in his mind for what seems like forever, Frank has to admit to himself that what keeps sticking in his head is just the gorgeous intensity of Gerard’s eyes and smile. Frank feels that he’d like to spend time in the company of Gerard Way as much as humanly possible, simply in order to be in close proximity to those eyes and that smile. 

Realizing it’s that simple is almost disappointing, though, because it makes Frank feel like he’s just infatuated, and he’s always thought of himself as the kind of guy who doesn’t get like that. Not that it’s wrong to find people attractive, but Frank doesn’t like the idea that perhaps he’s become obsessed with someone based purely on what they look like. It all just feels so shallow. 

Frank can’t talk himself out of it, though, and by the start of his band’s set on Saturday night, it’s eating at him in a way that has him wanting to crawl out of his skin. What he wants, more than anything, is just to _see_ Gerard again, if only to confirm that he really _is_ stunningly beautiful and that Frank’s response to him wasn’t just some kind of heat-induced delusion.

Strike the Demon’s set is great. The crowd has tons of energy and Frank throws it right back at them, doing more yelling than singing into the microphone. He’s been drinking steadily since before the show, but he seems to sweat most of it out while he’s playing, because he only feels a bit buzzed as he hops off the side of the stage after their final song. He manages to grab the last beer from their stage stash and downs it fast while helping the guys cart all their stuff back to the van. By the time Frank’s wrapping up the last cord and putting it in its crate by the amps, he’s finally starting to feel loose after all the emotion he let go onstage. There’s nothing like the liquid, boneless feeling that comes after a show. It’s like Frank has just sweat out all of the bad toxins and spit out all of the emotional poison that’s been building up inside him since the last show and now he’s clean again. 

Once the van is finally all packed up with their equipment, Frank heads back inside the club. He wants to hear the band that’s going on after them and he needs to find Mikey Way. It feels immature, but he wants to talk about Gerard, and the only person Frank can think of who knows him well is Mikey. 

Mikey’s at the bar, as Frank had hoped he would be, but he’s busy talking to some guys from the band that played before Strike the Demons. It’s a couple of younger guys, late-teens, early twenties, maybe. Their punk band was good, they have a lot of potential and they seem to have already figured out that Mikey Way is the guy on the scene to talk to if you want to get noticed. 

They talk Mikey’s ear off for a good forty minutes about their hopes and dreams and aspirations. Mikey’s a good sport, nodding his head and saying “yeah,” during the appropriate pauses. Frank laughs to himself as he listens. God bless Mikey, he’s heard all this before, dozens of times over in all the years he’s been in this business. At the end of it, Frank knows he’s going to say what he says to all young bands that show potential: Practice hard, be committed, and don’t give up. Then he’s going to do everything he can to help them get exposure. Mikey’s good at what he does, managing young bands who are trying to make it. And he’s a good person, because he’ll do his best to help any band with even an ounce of talent, whether he’s technically ‘managing’ them or not.

Frank’s actually known Mikey for years. They’ve been running in some of the same circles since all the way back when Frank was in Pencey Prep. That was back when Frank had this idea that he was going to be some kind of rock star. He doesn’t like to think about how hard it was for him when Pencey broke up. Frank ended up leaving the scene for a while after that. It was just too hard to be around the shows and the crowds while he was coming to grips with the fact that his life wasn’t going to turn out the way he’d always thought it would. 

Frank ponders this over another beer while listening to Mikey in the background, trying to diplomatically wind-up his conversation with the punk kids. It was about three years ago that Frank finally got back into the scene, because of Mike and James. Frank had just moved into his current apartment after Ray bought the building and offered him a good deal on the rent. Mike and James own a bar near the building, and Frank started going there regularly after work. One day over a beer, they all started talking music. Frank learned that they were both musicians in their spare time. Neither one had been in a band for a while, but they were looking to start a new one, something fun and low key; something to do on the weekends, no pressure. It turned out to be exactly what Frank needed. He’d never stopped playing or anything, but it was nice to get back into doing shows and being onstage. It felt good. And they’ve turned out to be really good. For a local band with no real aspirations, they have a decent following of area fans who make every show a blast and really, that’s all Frank needs now. He doesn’t need to be famous. 

Playing shows with Strike the Demons is how Frank reconnected with Mikey. But it’s only been in the last year or so that he’d say Mikey’s really become a friend. After getting burned with Pencey, regardless of how many years it’s been, Frank’s been careful about letting his guard down with anyone in the industry. He’s pretty much decided, though, that Mikey Way really is as awesome a dude as he seems to be, which is probably why he’s so universally loved. 

Mikey’s finally saying goodnight to the kids and Frank realizes that he has no idea how many beers he’s had. He’s been sitting here for a while, listening and pondering. The band that was on after them has just announced this is their last song and things are beginning to get a bit fuzzy. But Mikey’s finally turning to look at him with a half smile and a hand on his shoulder and saying, “Awesome show, dude, you never disappoint.” And Frank feels happy in his fuzziness. 

Frank has pretty much no mouth-to-brain filter at this point and he basically figures, what the hell? He might as well be direct, it’s not like he’s in high school or something here. Frank grips Mikey’s arm, probably a bit too tightly. “Dude,” he says.

Mikey looks at him with amusement, likely realizing how drunk Frank is. “What’s up, man?”

Frank can’t help it, he spits out, “Dude, your brother is fucking gorgeous.”

Mikey’s eyebrows shoot up at this declaration. “Gerard?”

Frank laughs. “Do you have another brother?”

Mikey rolls his eyes. “Really, Frank? I don’t…”

Frank is nodding. “Yeah, it’s just… his eyes and like…” He waves his hand. “I don’t know… his smile.”

“I don’t- wait, you saw Gerard smile?” Mikey asks, incredulous.

“Yeah, man, it was like, blinding. Like looking into the sun.”

Mikey just blinks at Frank for a moment. He opens his mouth like he’s going to say something then closes it again.

Frank finds this to be hilarious and he starts cracking up. “Mikeyway, you are so funny.” He takes a swallow of his beer and thinks of something. “Mikey.” He puts his hands on Mikey’s shoulders and looks at him earnestly. Frank doesn’t know why he didn’t think of this sooner, but he suddenly realizes it’s really important. “Mikey, does Gerard date dudes? Please, please tell me he likes guys.”

Mikey is nodding slowly. “He does.” He stops and sighs. “Yeah, Frank, he likes guys, but he doesn’t really _date_.”

Frank thinks that’s fair enough. Traditional dating is not for everyone. He finally drops his arms from Mikey’s shoulders when he realizes they’re getting tired. Mikey looks relieved and turns to take a swallow of his beer. “So, okay, so he doesn’t do the ‘dating’ thing, but like… he likes to fuck guys, right?”

Mikey spits out his drink and looks at Frank in mock horror. “Okay, now this,” Mikey wipes at his mouth with the back of his sleeve, “this is getting to be a bit much. Honestly, if you really like him that way, you need to talk to Gerard.” 

Frank pouts a bit, leaning his head on his hand on the bar. “But you said he never leaves his house.”

Mikey shrugs. “Well, rarely. He rarely leaves his house if he doesn’t have to. He’s not like, scared to go outside or anything. He just doesn’t like it.” Mikey pauses, apparently considering Gerard’s situation. “It’s a nice house. It’s basically an art studio that he lives in. I mean, I can see why he likes it so much, why he doesn’t feel compelled to go out. Everything he loves is there.”

Frank is intrigued. He finishes drinking what he’s now decided will be his last beer. “That all sounds kinda rehearsed, Mikes. Are these Gerard’s words?” He eyes him critically. “Is that how he tries to convince you he’s okay?”

Mikey looks thoughtful and shakes himself a bit. “Yeah, I suppose I’ve let him convince me,” he says, nodding. “I can’t make him into someone he’s not.” 

The club starts to quiet down a bit now as people are leaving now that the last band has finished. Mikey drinks some more of his beer before he continues talking. “Gerard’s 39 years old and he lives like he’s allergic to sunshine. He’s not suicidal. He has a successful career. He just doesn’t like people very much, or noise, or crowded places, or anything unfamiliar. But he’s fine.” Mikey looks directly at Frank now, his expression challenging, almost confrontational.

Frank doesn’t know how to respond to this. He opens his mouth to say something like, “oh, ok” but Mikey cuts him off.

“Frank, you don’t want my brother like that, not like that.”

This annoys Frank. Mikey can’t know what he wants. “How do you know that? Maybe I could fall in love with Gerard?”

Mikey’s expression hardens. It almost resembles… anger? Could that be? Why, though? “Frank, do you even _like_ guys anymore? I don’t remember you dating any guys since Leslie.”

Now Frank feels defensive. “I like guys,” he says softly. “I’ve always liked guys.” His voice starts to rise a bit. “Just because I had a serious girlfriend doesn’t mean I stopped liking guys.”

“No, I know that. I didn’t mean-” Mikey rubs his face, clearly exasperated. “I mean, like, when was the last time you actually slept with a dude?”

Oh, that. Well. “I’ve um, you know, messed around some?” Frank doesn’t think Mikey’s talking about drunken hand jobs or even blowjobs in bathrooms and alleys, right now. 

Mikey nods. His voice is quiet and deadly serious when he speaks again. “Yeah, you see, that’s the thing about Gerard. You can’t ‘mess around’ with him. It doesn’t work.” Mikey puts a hand on Frank’s arm and squeezes. Frank suddenly feels very sober. “It’s not like I’m going to forbid you to go after my brother. I know you’re a good guy, Frankie, but Gerard’s kind of a lot to take. For some people… for most people, he’s not really worth it.” Mikey removes his hand. Seemingly certain now that he has Frank’s full attention. “Just don’t rush into anything with him and don’t get your hopes up. He’s not an easy person to love.” Mikey’s quiet for a minute before his expression softens and his mouth turns up a bit at one corner. “Just think about it, what I’ve told you. Give it a week. If you’re still interested, well maybe I can try to get him out of the house again.” 

*_*_*

When Mikey first said, "Give it a week," Frank was feeling pretty okay with that. Maybe it was because he was drunk, or maybe because Mikey finally seemed to be done with the silly "my brother is not fit for dating" business, or maybe it was just because a week really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Frank's not really sure why, but he certainly wasn't as bothered by the thought of _a week_ then as he is now. Because it turns out that a week is a really fucking long time when you are as obsessed and fixated as Frank is. 

It's only Monday evening, but it feels like it's been years since Frank's conversation with Mikey on Saturday night after the show. If Frank was only infatuated with Gerard before talking to Mikey, now he is beyond infatuated. He is like, creepy levels of intrigued and fascinated with the very _idea_ of Gerard Way: the Difficult-to-Love Recluse. Maybe more than simply interested in sleeping with the actual person of Gerard Way: the quiet, but seemingly nice-enough guy who wears hoodies in the summer and may or may not be afraid of big dogs. On top of all of this, and despite how immature and reckless he knows it is, he also feels challenged. He's always been the kind of guy who wants something more when someone tells him he can't have it. Maybe Mikey thought that his seriousness and honesty about Gerard would dissuade Frank from this foolish path of possible courtship. But in reality, it's only made Frank _more_ interested, more determined; because Frank just can't see how anyone as beautiful as Gerard can be so difficult to love that he not only doesn't date, but rarely even leaves his house.

Frank ponders all of this as he folds and puts away all his clean laundry- nice, neat pile of crisp white undershirts, next to all his socks, black and white, rolled up in their little separate piles. Folding soothes the shit out of Frank usually, but it isn't helping today. Mikey's words keep coming back to him and all Frank can figure is that there's simply something about Gerard that people aren't getting- even Mikey, as much as he clearly loves his brother. Frank supposes that now Gerard has become like some kind of puzzle in his mind, he just wants to make the puzzle make sense. 

Frank's rational mind knows that this is all ludicrous, of course. He plays Devil's advocate with himself as he lays all of his jeans in a neat pile on the shelf in his closet. He knows that he is setting himself up for disappointment right now. Mikey told him not to get his hopes up. Frank knows that Gerard _could_ turn out to be just a totally weird guy- a creepy, unlovable, socially awkward loser. Yet, as much as Frank tries to warn himself of this possibility, he simply can't be convinced that it's true. He knows he's only met Gerard once, but it was a mostly pleasant meeting. All signs point to Gerard being a perfectly nice, if misunderstood, aloof and artistic type of guy. Frank's dealt with artistic types before. He deals with Ray, who's the most musically artistic person he knows. He's certain he can handle Gerard.

Thinking of Ray gives Frank an idea. He quickly finishes up putting his clothes away and sends Ray a text.

_bored out of my mind tonight. What u doing? Want 2 do pizza and Xbox?_

Frank's a bit disappointed when Ray doesn't respond right away. He sighs and decides to take the dogs out. It's still sweltering outside, but he knows it's really not fair for him to keep them cooped up inside all the time just because he's a pussy who can't handle a little heat. He gets them all hooked up on their leashes and walks them down the street to the park. There aren't any kids at the playground since it's getting kind of late, so he lets them run around a bit while he sits down on a bench and has a cigarette. Sometimes the neighbors complain that Frank lets the dogs off their leashes too much, but he just can't stand keeping them tethered up all the time. Dogs are meant to run. It's bad enough that Frank doesn't have a yard of his own for them to run around in, and the nearest dog park is two towns away. They’re always good about coming back when Frank calls them, so he figures as long as no one's around to be scared by them, it's really no one else's business. 

Frank's phone buzzes in his pocket, startling him out of his internal self-righteously indignant monologue. It's a text from Ray.

_just got done w last student. Pizza and Xbox sounds great. 8 ok? Bring beer._

Frank laughs to himself. He owes Ray beer because he let him pay last month’s rent three days late. It's really a nice system they have worked out. Frank gets a flexible rent payment date, and Ray gets free beer. Although, Frank is sure that Ray can afford all the beer he wants at this point. He’s doing well now with the three apartment buildings and two music stores he owns, not to mention all the freelance work he still does teaching guitar lessons and occasionally doing studio work as a session guitarist. Frank's happy for him. Ray's been able to take his great mind for business and his passion for music and run with it, and he's got himself set up really comfortably. 

And also now there's Christa. Christa's been living with Ray for almost a month and they’re engaged, and yet Frank still manages to forget about her sometimes, as he does tonight when he knocks on Ray's door and Christa answers it. Even though seeing her surprises him, it's a nice surprise. Christa makes Frank smile because she is the kind of girl who is only supposed to exist in fantasies, not in real life. She's somehow managed to so seamlessly integrate herself into Ray's life and space that it's really easy to just forget that she's there. She is the most unobtrusive, unassuming, gentle, sweet, and kind person Frank has ever met. This, of course, makes her perfect for Ray, because Ray is a lot like that, too. 

Right now, Christa’s smiling at Frank and leaning in to give him a hug, "Hey, Frankie," she says, patting his cheek. Then she turns around and calls out, "Frank's here!" before turning back to Frank. "I'm actually leaving," she explains. "Going to the movies with a friend. If you're gone before I get back, be sure and give those dogs kisses for me!" And then she's gone, leaving a scent-trail of some kind of delightful flowery perfume behind her. She always tells him to kiss the dogs for her. It's like, her special goodbye signature just for Frank. Frank doesn’t really understand what it's about, but he finds it adorable, so he doesn't question it. 

Frank finds Ray already on the couch getting Red Dead Redemption cued up to the level where they left off the last time they played. "Pizza should be here in about twenty minutes. What kind of beer did you bring me?"

Frank holds up a six pack of Ice House a little sheepishly. This offering is pretty low, even for him. Things were just really tight last month. He had an unexpected car repair.

Ray raises an eyebrow. "Dude, you need to do better than that next time, or I might have to rethink this arrangement."

Frank shakes his head vigorously. "This is a one time only deal, I promise. It was just the car last month-"

Ray waves him off before he can finish. "Sure, sure Iero, excuses, excuses." He's smiling, though.

Frank laughs and grabs for his controller. "Okay, now I'm gonna kick your ass, Toro."

And Frank does, several times, in fact, before the pizza even arrives.

Frank impresses himself by waiting until they've each had a piece before he delves into the reason he thought of hanging out with Ray tonight. He affects as casual a tone as he can. "So, hey, you know anything about Gerard Way?"

Ray looks thoughtful as he finishes chewing his bite and swallows. "Mikey Way's brother?"

Frank nods.

"Yeah, he writes that comic series, it's great, uh..." Ray pauses for a moment, thinking. "Umbrella Academy. It's really pretty awesome, you read it?"

And now Frank feels like an imbecile. Because he _has_ read it. Every issue. He's pretty sure he even has a couple of volumes of it in his apartment mixed in with all his other comics and graphic novels. It's not like, his favorite thing in the world ever, but it _is_ pretty great. And really popular as far as Frank knows, not that he follows comics as much as he used to. He just feels like an idiot because he knew once upon a time that it was Mikey Way's brother who wrote _Umbrella Academy_ , but it never seemed important before. And now here he's been obsessing over Gerard since last Thursday and it didn't even occur to him to go and actually read the comics of this artistic genius that he's supposed to have a mad crush on.

Frank realizes that Ray's looking at him expectantly as he chews, waiting for Frank to answer the question. "Yeah, I've read it. It's good. I was just wondering. Do you know anything else about him?" Frank begins chewing on his thumbnail. He seriously feels like a world-class creeper right now. 

Ray doesn't seem creeped-out, though. "I don't know much, really. I met him a few times, back in the day when he used to come out to his boyfriend's shows a lot."

Frank's heart skips a beat. Mikey certainly made it sound like Gerard is single now. But, boyfriend? Back in the day, Gerard had a boyfriend? Who was in a band? "Boyfriend?" is all Frank manages to get out in response to this new bit of information.

Ray nods. "Sure. Bert. Uh, whatshisname... Bert McCracken, you know, from The Used?” Ray pauses, apparently interpreting Frank’s shock as lack of awareness. “Oh well, I guess you were kinda out of the scene at that time."

Frank is offended, he wasn't _that_ aloof. "Fuck, seriously, Ray? The Used? I know who the fuckin’ Used are, they got big for a while!"

Ray shrugs. "Yeah, that's a lot of the time when Gerard and Bert were together. Like, it was at least a couple of years, maybe three, I don't know. It was a long time."

Frank's brain tries to play catch up and process what Ray's telling him. "Wow, I guess I'd heard of Bert, but like,” he waves his hand. “I didn't even know he was gay. Or at least, I mean really gay. You know, not just fun, messing around gay."

"Yup, that was like, part of what ended things, I guess? I mean, I don't really know, it probably isn't right for me to even be saying anything." Ray trails off, looking uneasy.

"But what happened, though?" Frank has to know. "Like, what? Bert changed his mind or something?"

Ray waves his hands dramatically. "Fuck, Frankie, I don't know. I don't know any of those guys that well, you know that.” Ray stops and appears to be considering. “No, I don't think Bert changed his mind, I think he just wasn't as committed or something. You know how it is, relationships end because of that." Ray looks pointedly at Frank, now. "You know exactly what that's like, Frank, when one person isn't as committed, it's not as simple as changing your mind, there's always more to it.” 

Ray's right and Frank knows it. He sits back into the couch and begins chewing on his thumbnail again. He briefly ponders just letting the conversation go, but Ray continues speaking. "Anyway, so I guess it was a bad breakup. Gerard took it really hard and he just hasn’t been around again since then." Ray plays absentmindedly with his fro for a minute. "It was kinda sad, actually, because before Bert, Mikey would always drag Gerard out to shows and parties and he'd be miserable and then when he found Bert, it was like he just came out of his shell, you know? He would smile and actually look happy. It was nice." Ray stops for a minute and cracks his neck. "But then once it ended, Gerard just kind of... faded away, I guess. I mean, obviously he still writes his comic books and does art or whatever, but he never comes to shows anymore. I haven't seen him in, oh... it's got to be going on five years now."

Fuck, five years. "That's a long time to stay away."

"Mmmhmmm. I don't think it's like Gerard isn't over Bert or anything. I think he just never liked the scene that much to begin with.” Ray grabs his beer off the coffee table. “And now with no Bert and Mikey leaving him alone about it, I can see where Gerard would feel like there's no reason to try to come back. He's not in a band or anything, so..."

"That makes sense," Frank agrees, nodding absently while his mind reels.

"Sometimes people will ask about him and ask Mikey to try and get him to come out. I mean, dude _was_ a lot of fun. People liked him even though I don't think he ever really understood why." Ray takes a swallow of his beer. "Mikey won't bother him about it anymore, though, I think he feels guilty."

"How come?" 

Ray looks thoughtful. "I guess he feels partly responsible for everything that happened, because... well, it was Mikey who set up Bert and Gerard in the first place."

Oh wow, Frank is kind of floored by that. But it definitely explains a lot about why Mikey was acting so weird on Saturday night.

Ray picks up all the napkins from the pizza and the empty beer cans and throws them away. "Why did you want to know all this stuff about Gerard, anyway?" he finally asks.

This startles Frank out of his reverie. "Oh, um, no big reason. I just happened to meet him last week. He came to pick up Mikey's dog at the shelter. I was just curious about him, that's all."

"Ah, ok," Ray says, sitting down and picking up the controller again. "Did he look good when you saw him?"

It takes Frank's brain a moment to process what Ray means by this. "Oh! Yeah, yeah, he looked good." 

"That's good," Ray says, smiling. "I always thought he was a pretty good dude who just got a raw deal. Think he deserved better than that. I've always hoped he was doing okay."

"Yeah, I think he is," Frank says, smiling to himself.

Frank dies three times in a row on the next level before he has to admit to himself that he's now too distracted to play Red Dead tonight. He keeps playing for Ray's sake, though. Ray's excitement and glee over beating Frank so many times is just too much fun.

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard has never really thought of himself as a dog person. He has no problem at all with dogs. He’s spent plenty of time around them and enjoys playing with his friends’ and relatives’ dogs. He’s just never really desired to have one of his own and he wouldn’t say he’s ever become attached to any one dog in particular. Until now. 

He suspects that he might be a dog person and just doesn’t know it. Because he’s become attached. To a dog. Specifically, Pebbles. 

Gerard very much enjoyed spending the day with her on Thursday. She was a nice quiet companion for him while he was drawing. She always looked at him and regarded him when he spoke to her or asked her a question. And she communicated well with some kind of brain telepathy because Gerard always seemed to be able to understand what her responses to his questions would be if she were actually able to talk. 

For some odd reason, Gerard dreams about her on Tuesday morning and therefore, wakes up thinking about her. Her smiling, panting face, and rotating, wagging tail are stuck in his head all day. He wants to see her again, he wants to draw her and he wants to pet her soft fur. By evening, he finds himself trying to think up excuses to go over to Mikey and Alicia’s house. 

It only takes one tour of his house for him to find three different items that technically belong to Mikey and Alicia. He decides to use returning things as an excuse to drop by. Their house is a good fifteen minute drive from his house, though, not exactly convenient for dropping off items that probably are not that important since Gerard has no idea how long they’ve actually been in his house. So he also makes up a story about craving a certain kind of lemon cream donut that’s only available at the bakery by their house. When Alicia answers the door, this is the story that he spins for why he’s dropping by and also he wants to see if he left his favorite black pen here on Thursday. 

Alicia stares at him, dumbfounded for a moment, before backing up and letting him into the house. Gerard’s thrilled to discover that Mikey isn’t at home to give him the third degree in an effort to uncover every possible motive for his decision to leave his house twice in one week. 

Alicia doesn’t ask questions, but she does stare at him suspiciously when he sets down on the dining room table Mikey’s Lego Hoth set up kit (with all of the pieces carefully returned to the box- so that the full set is there including the characters and their weapons), a blender that Gerard _thinks_ he borrowed from Mikey and Alicia when he was doing a project experimenting with fruit smoothie paint, and Mikey’s VHS copy of The Neverending Story. 

Gerard shrugs in response to Alicia’s quizzical expression. “I was cleaning. Also, I got some of those amazing lemon cream donuts, you want one?” He brandishes the box at her. She blinks at him exactly three times before taking one from the box and biting into it. 

That’s when Gerard feels something pushing insistently against the side of his leg. He looks down to find Pebbles with her wet, black nose and her mismatched whiskers. Tail wagging gleefully, and tongue hanging out to lick at his hand when he reaches down to pet her.

“Hi Pebbles!” He can’t help the excited tone that escapes with his greeting as he bends down to cuddle her. She nuzzles at his cheek and licks his nose, acting like it hasn’t only been a few days since she’s seen him, but months, and she feared he was never coming back. Gerard isn’t sure exactly how she manages to make him feel so special, but it doesn’t seem put-on or affected. If nothing else, Pebbles is completely genuine, which is something he can’t say for most people. 

“Gerard?”

Gerard looks up, startled. “Oh, um, I’m just going to look around a little bit and see if I can find that pen.”

Alicia cocks her head to the side and considers him for a moment before seeming to come to a decision. “Okay, whatever. I’ll be in the office if you need me. I have a game of World of Warcraft going, and we’re raiding, so…”

Gerard waves his hands at her. “Go, go, it’s fine. I know my way around. I’ll just put the donuts in the kitchen.”

Alicia just shakes herself a bit and goes back into the office with her donut.

Gerard looks down at Pebbles as she trails after him into the kitchen. “People will tell you that your parents are weird for playing role play games with strangers on the internet. They are wrong.” Gerard nods, as if that will drive the point home more firmly to the dog. “People who are satisfied to exist only within their own mundane, ordinary lives are the strange ones. They have no imagination, no sense of wonder or desire to dream, no appreciation for the joy of experimenting with the ‘what if’s’ and ‘perhaps this’ and ‘what about’s’ of an alternate identity that is altogether safe to explore with because it isn’t real.” Pebbles is sitting at Gerard’s feet, riveted. “You are lucky, Pebbles. Your parents have imagination.” Pebbles blinks at Gerard exactly three times and seems to say, “Well, of course.” As if she’s figured all this out already about Mikey and Alicia in just four days. 

Gerard decides to stay a while, so he brews a pot of coffee. When Alicia comes back into the kitchen an hour later, he hears her words in his head before she speaks them. “You made a full pot of regular coffee at nine-o-clock at night?” They may have had this conversation before. 

She comes up behind Gerard where he’s sitting at the table, working on a detailed sketch of Pebbles’ right paw. “Awww, her paws are so cute, aren’t they?”

Gerard nods and ‘hmmms’ and gets up to drain the last cup of coffee from the bottom of the pot. When he turns back toward the table, Alicia’s flipping through his sketch book, looking at all the drawings he’s done of Pebbles in the last few days. She stops when she gets to the sketch with Frank in it. 

“Damn, he has a lot of tattoos,” she says, sounding almost in awe.

Gerard walks over and looks at the sketch with her. “Yeah, I know I didn’t remember a lot of them right.”

Alicia touches her index fingernail to the drawing, tapping softly with her nail. “Hmmm. You should go back to get a better look.”

“What? Go back to the animal shelter?” Gerard asks, “Why?”

“To see Frank’s tattoos. You’re an artist Gerard, you can totally use that, you know?” Alicia looks up at him. “Don’t tell me you never thought of doing that before?” She smiles. “People are narcissistic. Tell them you just want to draw them and they’ll let you hang around all you want.”

“But I don’t want- Frank isn’t… He’s not narcissistic.” Gerard isn’t sure why it’s so important to him to say that. 

Alicia laughs. “Frank’s a musician. He’s narcissistic, believe me. It’s a requirement for the job.” She closes the sketchbook and starts lining up all of Gerard’s pens and pencils next to it. “Anyway, you should go back to the shelter. You said he was really nice to you on Thursday.” 

Gerard scratches the back of his head and makes a sour face. “I’m not going to go around bothering everyone that’s nice to me.”

Alicia gently places her hand on Gerard’s cheek. “He wouldn’t be bothered.” She turns her hand over and rubs the backs of her nails against his stubble, the most disconcerting look on her face for several seconds. She drops her hand abruptly and says, “So, are we digging out the VHS player so we can give the empress a new name, or what?”

\+ *_*_* +

Frank doesn’t end up needing to wait a week.

At some point in the future, a small part of him will wish that he’d had more time to process what Ray had told him the night before, but the bigger part of him is just glad that he doesn’t end up having to wait another day. He’s also glad that, in the end, Mikey doesn’t even have to set it up. 

Frank isn’t on desk duty on Wednesday afternoon when Gerard comes in. He’s in the back, in the kennel, re-labeling all the crates since they’ve had seven adoptions in the last three days and all the dogs have been shifted around. 

When he looks up from where he’s sitting, fighting with the old label-maker, and sees Gerard, he thinks he’s hallucinating, that he’s just been sitting and sweating in this hot kennel for too long. When Gerard stops right in front of him and smiles down at him, pushing his sunglasses up on to the top of his head, he thinks, ‘I’m not delusional, he really _is_ that pretty.’ 

Frank loses all motor awareness and finds himself smiling back and standing up without actually directing his body to do either of these things. “Hi, Gerard.” Gerard’s smile is so big, it almost looks maniacal. If Frank didn’t know a few things about him already, he might be a bit frightened. “What’s up? Everything okay with Pebbles?”

Gerard looks like he’s about to speak then falters a bit. “Pebbles? Oh, Pebbles is fine. She’s great, actually. She’s a really great dog. You know, I think she understands most of what we say to her? She’s really smart and she’s like, super honest, you know? Like, she couldn’t pretend to be anything other than who she is, even if she wanted to.”

Frank knows, exactly. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” He nods, still smiling, but he’s getting more curious by the second about why Gerard is actually here.

Gerard grins and nods at Frank, then seems to remember something. “Oh! Okay, um, here’s the thing. Uh…” He scratches the back of his neck. “Did you know that I’m an artist?”

“Yeah, Mikey told me.”

“Right, okay, so… So I draw, right? So I’m working on this drawing, I want to um… It’s a drawing of Pebbles? From last week? So I’m going to give it to Mikey and Alicia, you know, like, as a gift? Something they could frame.” Gerard gestures with his hand now, indicating something vaguely frame-shaped, and Frank notices that he’s carrying a notebook of some kind. “Anyway, the thing is I need your help to be able to finish the drawing, because I want it to be good, you know? I want to make sure I get it right.”

Frank is not following this at all. He thinks it must show on his face because Gerard stops and opens up the notebook which Frank can now see is actually a sketchpad. He flips it open to a drawing of Pebbles by the desk in the animal shelter office and Frank sees himself and it suddenly all makes sense. Gerard puts a hand on Frank’s arm gently. “See? I couldn’t remember them all, the tattoos. I just… I just need to make sure I get them right.” 

Frank doesn’t know what to do. He only feels the tiniest bit freaked out. Mostly he’s just stunned by how much detail Gerard managed to grasp in their one short meeting. He doesn’t know if this is really just about a drawing or not. It feels like it’s not, but Gerard is a weird enough guy that it could be. Frank decides that he really doesn’t care. He just wants to be around Gerard, the reason isn’t important. “What do you need me to do?”

Gerard grins and Frank is blinded. “You don’t really have to do anything. You can keep working, doing whatever it was you were doing, just… just let me look at you. I don’t think it will take me very long.”

And just like that, Gerard is sitting a few feet away from Frank with his sketchpad open, erasing and scribbling vigorously. Well… Frank’s fairly sure it’s not actually scribbling, it just seems sort of like that with how enthusiastic he’s being about it. After a few minutes of just listening to Gerard work while Frank affixes all the new labels to the crates, Frank starts getting antsy. “Will it distract you if I put on some music?”

“No, not at all,” Gerard answers quickly. Frank gets up to plug his iPod into the speakers he has back here and immediately a Misfits song comes on. Gerard looks up to say, “You have good taste,” before determinedly focusing on drawing again. 

Gerard continues to watch from a safe distance as Frank finishes up all the labeling and rotates a new section of dogs from the kennel out into the yard. He makes sure the dogs all have plenty of water and dry bedding and loads a big bunch of towels and sheets into the washing machine. When he turns around, he finds Gerard standing in front of him, smiling. 

“I think I’ve got everything.” He holds the drawing up to show Frank. “What do you think?” 

Frank thinks… Frank thinks the drawing is amazing. Gerard’s captured that moment as well as a photograph would have, maybe better. He honestly can’t even believe it, how Gerard’s managed to infuse all the seriousness of Frank’s emotions and Pebbles’ excitement into the drawing. Frank doesn’t really know from art, but he is certain that not just anyone can draw like this. “I like it. I… I love it.”

Gerard positively beams at Frank now and Frank feels some kind of compulsion to confess his undying love and devotion or some shit, he doesn’t even know.

“Thanks, Frank. I’m glad.” Gerard puts his hand on Frank’s forearm and squeezes it a bit. “I’m really glad you like it.” And then he’s turning, as if he’s leaving and Frank starts to panic. 

“You have to go?” His voice comes out higher than he’d like.

Gerard turns back, looking puzzled. “Well, I’m kinda done.” He gestures with his sketchpad and lets it fall against his thigh.

“No, I know, I just…” Frank’s shoulders drop as he blows out from his lower lip, lifting his bangs off his forehead. He tries not to sound sulky when he continues. “I get off in about twenty minutes and I thought maybe… I was hoping that we could hang out.”

Gerard appears genuinely surprised. “Oh! Oh, um… Well, I guess I don’t see why not, I don’t have any plans.”

“Really?” Frank’s not sure why he’s so surprised, but he’s relieved.

“Sure.” Gerard flaps his arm vaguely. “I can wait around if that’s okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s totally fine. Almost no one ever comes in this late in the day, anyway.”

“Okay, awesome. So I’ll just…” Gerard lifts the sketchpad and waves it toward the office and waiting area.

Frank nods. “Okay, I’ll be up in a little while.”

Frank doesn’t think he’s ever rushed through closing up the kennel so quickly before. He goes through the closing checklist and manages to get everything done in fifteen minutes flat, which is a record for him. Then he grabs his iPod off the speakers and heads up to the office where he finds Maria chatting cheerfully with Gerard. 

“You didn’t tell me you knew an artist!” she says with a saucy grin.

“We only met last week.” Frank shrugs.

“Sure, sure, only I don’t believe you. I think you’ve been hiding him from me because he’s so cute and you don’t want me to make a move!” Maria waggles her eyebrows at him.

Frank and Gerard both blush instantly at this and Maria cracks up. Frank looks at Gerard and sees that despite his deep shade of crimson, he is smiling too, and he’s sort of pressed his lips together in a way that is very distracting. Frank lets himself laugh at how easily Maria made them both blush.

After saying goodnight to Maria, Frank and Gerard shuffle out to the parking lot and suddenly Frank doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. He didn’t have any kind of plan for this at all.

Gerard turns toward him as he pulls his sunglasses down over his eyes. He leans against the side of his car and pulls a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, waving them toward Frank in offering. Frank nods and Gerard lights up a cigarette for himself, before handing the pack and the lighter to Frank.

Frank lights up, hands the pack and lighter back to Gerard and they smoke in silence for a few minutes. Frank wants to invite Gerard somewhere, to do something specific, but his mind is blank. He really doesn’t know what he’s going for here. All he really knew when he mentioned hanging out is that he didn’t want Gerard to leave. And now Gerard’s here and he doesn’t know what to do with him. He knows what he’d _like_ to do with him, but he thinks it would be a little sudden to just push him up against the side of the car, throw both cigarettes away, and start kissing his brains out.

Frank is about ask Gerard what he wants to do, but before he can get the words out, Gerard steps toward him, takes a deep breath, and says, “Okay, I gotta be completely honest here, just so you know what you’re getting into, if we’re going to hang out.” Gerard’s voice is deadly serious.

“Okay.”

Gerard drops his cigarette and stomps it out with his foot. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, squares his shoulders and looks at Frank. “I don’t really _do_ public places, if I can help it. So it’s kinda difficult, with me, like… finding places to hang out, unless we go back to one of our houses.” Gerard sighs; it’s a frustrated sound with a frustrated expression. “And I know that totally just makes it sound like I’m only trying to get you alone… which, well, I guess I am. I mean I do want it to just be us, but it’s not like…” He flails his hands around. “Like, this isn’t some excuse to make it easier for me to seduce you or something.” Gerard stops and backs up, leaning against the side of his car again. “So, that’s how it is.” He waves his hands. “I figure it’s only fair to just go ahead and tell you rather than make excuses. At least now you can make an informed decision.” 

Frank opens and closes his mouth a couple of times before he finally replies, “Make an informed decision of what?”

“Whether or not you still want to hang out with me.”

“Oh! I do.” Frank shakes his head and smiles. “I definitely still want to hang out with you.”

“Yeah?” Gerard’s genuine insecurity is so adorable Frank could scream. 

“Yes, absolutely.” Frank chuckles and steps forward, putting a hand on Gerard’s shoulder. “So, come to my place. You can meet my dogs.” Gerard opens his mouth, but Frank stops him, saying, “They aren’t big.” Gerard looks relieved and Frank lets go of his shoulder. “Okay, so we’ll just drive over? Let me give you my number in case we get separated.” 

Gerard holds out his sketchpad and pen and Frank opens it to a blank page and writes down his number. When he gives it back, Gerard writes his number down as well and tears off the corner of the paper to give to Frank. “So, I’ll just follow you?” Gerard asks, turning to get in his car. 

“Yeah, perfect.” Perfect, Frank thinks as he gets into his car and starts it up. Perfect. It’s a twenty minute drive to his house from the shelter. He doesn’t have to slow down once to wait for Gerard. He stays right behind Frank the whole way. Perfect. 

*_*_*

Gerard is a little overwhelmed by all three dogs greeting them at once, and Frank immediately feels like a jerk for not going inside to settle them down before bringing Gerard in. Gerard doesn’t get upset or anything, though, he just plasters himself against the wall and carefully pats the dogs on the tops of their heads while Frank introduces them and gets them leashed up.

Once Frank has them all corralled, he looks at Gerard standing against the wall breathing carefully. “So I normally take them out for a few minutes when I get home, since they haven’t been out all day. You can come down with us if you want, or just stay up here and wait; it’s up to you.”

Gerard looks into the apartment like he expects something scary to come flying out at any moment. “I’ll come with you,” he answers quickly.

Frank walks out with the dogs and Gerard stays several steps behind them, getting his cigarettes out so that he’s ready to light up as soon as they get out the front door of the building.

He continues to follow behind a few paces as Frank walks the dogs up the street. When the dogs stop to sniff around at a bus stop, Frank turns around and finds Gerard studying him thoughtfully. It makes Frank want to check to see that he doesn’t have anything on his face. He manages to not do this, just barely, but he does look down to make sure he doesn’t have any stains on his shirt that he’s unaware of. He doesn’t. 

When he looks up, Gerard is watching the dogs and taking a deep drag on his cigarette. Frank watches his lips curl around the filter and notices a freckle. Gerard has a freckle… on his bottom lip. His lips are slightly cracked and Frank wants to lick them. When the lips curl up into a smile, Frank flits his eyes up to find Gerard staring back at him with a bemused expression. Gerard walks toward him pulling out his cigarettes. He takes one out, sticks it in Frank’s mouth and lights it, holding Frank’s gaze the entire time. 

Frank closes his eyes for a moment on the first drag. “Thanks,” he breathes on the exhale. 

“No problem,” Gerard says, backing off and looking at the dogs again. “Don’t you have to pick that up?” Gerard asks, nodding toward the ground where all three dogs have pooped.

“Oh yeah, I just,” Frank digs around in his pocket for a bag, “I just scoop it up in the bag and then drop the bags in the dumpster before I go back inside.”

Frank picks up the dog messes and they walk back to the apartment in companionable silence. He finishes his cigarette just as they walk into the building. 

They remain silent while Frank refills the dog’s water bowls and feeds them. Gerard looks around the apartment a little, but mostly stays close and watches Frank. Once Frank has run out of routine things to do and the dogs are munching away happily, he finds Gerard examining the titles on one of his bookshelves. Gerard bends down to a low shelf and gently touches the tops of the books. “You have a lot of books,” he says quietly, running his fingertips along the spines of a full set of the Sandman series. Gerard taps twice at the side of the bookcase before he stands up and looks at Frank.

Frank shrugs. “I like books.”

“So is this a bibliophile- compulsive collecting kind of thing- where you like the physical presence of books, their smell and feel, etcetera? Or is it more about wanting to have your own copy of every book you’ve ever read and liked?” Gerard says all of this very quickly and it takes Frank’s brain a moment to catch up.

“Ummm, both? I think? I really like books, like the actual books themselves. But I’ve read most of these.” Frank really hopes this is a good answer.

Gerard simply nods and says, “Hmmmm,” giving him a considering look. So Frank really has no idea. When his stomach grumbles, he welcomes the distraction. “So, are you hungry?”

Gerard makes a face as if he’s actually thinking about this and trying to decide if he’s hungry or not. “Yes. I ate lunch pretty late, I think, but I guess it wasn’t very much. I could eat again.”

“Is pizza good?” Frank asks. “There’s a place not too far from here that will make it cheeseless for me and they deliver.”

“Sure, that’s fine, but why no cheese?”

“Lactose intolerant.”

“Ah, okay.” Gerard nods.

“I’m also a vegetarian, so food can be kinda tough. Hmmm I wonder if I should have mentioned that sooner, you know, so you could make an informed decision about whether or not you want to have dinner with me.” Frank trails off. He hopes the smirk on his face conveys the fondness behind his teasing. 

Gerard frowns, but his eyes are clearly amused. “Uhuh,” he says, and lifts his hand up to gently cup the side of Frank’s face. It takes everything Frank has in him to simply let the touch happen and not lean desperately into Gerard’s palm. “So there it is.” Frank doesn’t say anything as Gerard chews on the inside of his cheek a little before he speaks again, thumb stroking Frank’s chin. “You know teasing isn’t very nice.”

“I,” Frank starts to say… something. He’s not sure what, but he’s stopped by Gerard’s thumb planted firmly on his lips.

“It’s okay,” Gerard says. “I was warned. And I know it’s not mean-spirited. I don’t think you have that in you. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here.” Gerard drops his hand abruptly and moves back a step. “So, pizza?”

Frank feels like all the air has been sucked right out of the room and it takes him a moment to respond. “Right. Pizza. I’ll just go call it in. You like veggies on your pizza?”

“Veggies are good.”

“You want cheese on your half?”

“Cheese is good, too.” Frank thinks Gerard must be feeling more at ease now as he’s knelt down to look at Frank’s other bookshelf. He’s carefully pulling books out and flipping through them. Upon finding Frank’s old beat-up paperback copy of _The Catcher in the Rye_ , he sits on the floor to page through it while Frank calls in the pizza. 

After he gets off the phone, he comes over to sit down next to Gerard. “I really should get a new copy of that. That one’s falling apart.”

“So this is one of the ones you really did read?”

Frank is slightly offended. “Hell yeah, I read it! It’s one of my favorite books ever.”

“I haven’t read it in years. I used to read it a lot, like probably once a year. Don’t know why I haven’t lately.”

“You should read it again. That shit never gets old.”

“No, it doesn’t.” Gerard carefully places the book back on the shelf where it was. “So hey,” he says, turning to look at Frank.

“Hey,” Frank says back. He turns and scoots forward so that their knees are touching and grabs at one of Gerard’s hands where it’s been sitting in his lap, fingers tapping restlessly on his knee. Frank picks it up and holds it for a moment, stroking the pads of his fingers first over the back of his hand and then the inside. Gerard watches Frank carefully as he does this, but doesn’t say anything. His expression betrays nothing of his thoughts. Frank runs his fingers around Gerard’s wrist, tapping a couple of times over the pulse point, then moves his hand up Gerard’s arm, wrapping his fingers around it, just below his shoulder and tugs on him a little, pulling him closer. “Hey,” he says again, so soft it’s almost a whisper. He looks at Gerard’s lips and leans up, kissing them quickly. 

This kiss is just a short little thing. It’s a test kiss. Gerard doesn’t move so Frank leans up and does it again. This time it’s longer and Frank brings his other hand up to the back of Gerard’s neck, fingers tangling in his hair as he pulls him close. Then he’s using his tongue to demand entry and Gerard allows it; letting him in, letting Frank explore his teeth and tongue. Gerard tastes like cigarettes and cinnamon gum and suddenly Gerard is actively kissing Frank back. His tongue pushes against Frank’s insistently, wanting inside his mouth. Frank relaxes to let Gerard in to taste him and stroke along the roof of his mouth. All too soon, Gerard pulls back and runs his tongue along Frank’s lips, first the top and then the bottom. He takes just Frank’s bottom lip into his mouth and pulls on it, teeth tugging gently and reluctantly lets it slip out. 

Gerard moves his head back just enough to bring his hand up to Frank’s chin and rubs his thumb across his bottom lip softly, almost reverently. He drops his hand and sits back, slouching. He’s looking up at Frank through his hair, his eyes bright and hopeful. Gerard’s face is flushed, two spots of color bloom high up on his cheeks, and his lips are pink and wet and Frank wants nothing more than to sit here kissing him indefinitely, but then the doorbell rings. 

“Pizza?” Gerard says quietly.

“Can’t be, it’s too soon.” Frank stands up and goes to the door. He opens it to find Ray holding up a bag of Frank’s favorite kind of guitar strings.

“They were on clearance at both stores, so I figured I’d grab up a bunch for you before the price went up again.”

Frank takes the bag from Ray. “Thanks, I was starting to run low.”

“Are you doing anything? Christa’s over at a friend’s house and I’m bored.”

“Actually, I kinda am doing something.” Frank runs his hand through his hair a few times. Ray just looks at him like he’s waiting for the punch line. “I have someone over, so…”

Ray looks over Frank’s shoulder and sees Gerard. “Gerard?” Ray walks right around Frank into the apartment. “Gee Way? Is that you?”

Gerard is standing up now with his head bent down a bit like he wishes he actually _wasn’t_ ‘Gee Way’. He scratches the back of his neck and says, “Hey, Ray,” and crosses the room to embrace Ray in a short hug.

“Man, I thought we’d never see you again! We miss you, man. You look good, really good,” Ray gushes.

Gerard blushes and looks down again. “Thanks, it’s good to see you, too.”

“So how did you end up with my man Frankie, here?” Ray asks jovially.

Gerard’s face suddenly pales and he looks at Frank. Frank realizes he has no idea what to say. “He came by the shelter today to ask a favor and I invited him to hang out after work.” Frank claps a hand on Ray’s shoulder and steers him toward the door. “We ordered pizza and I’d invite you to join us, but we only got one.” 

Frank knows he’s probably being rude, but he can’t help it. He’s suddenly afraid with every fiber of his being that if Gerard thinks Frank’s apartment is the kind of place where unwanted guests pop in and stick around, then it’s just as bad as any public place and this could end up being Gerard’s one and only visit. 

Frank gets Ray out into the hall and leans up to say in an almost-whisper, “Sorry, dude another time.” He hopes the look he gives Ray is enough to communicate the nature of Gerard’s visit. 

No look of realization overcomes Ray’s face, but he seems to get it enough to know he needs to go. “It’s cool, no problem. I’ll text you tomorrow maybe.” Ray looks puzzled, but not hurt.

“Yeah, tomorrow. Thanks for the strings, man.” Frank offers as he watches Ray walk down the hall. Ray waves him off with a smile as he turns the corner toward his own place. 

As soon as Ray’s out of sight, the buzzer goes off indicating someone is waiting downstairs. Frank walks back inside and hits the intercom, “Pizza?”

“Yup.”

“Come on up, apartment 3B.” Frank hits the button to open the downstairs door and then finally turns back to Gerard. He’s looking at the bag of strings, where Frank dropped them on the table.

“I’d heard you were in a band, but I didn’t know what you played,” Gerard says. “Guitar, huh?” He looks up. He doesn’t appear upset by seeing Ray. “Explains the calluses.”

“Yeah, I sorta sing too.” Frank shrugs.

“I heard it’s more than sorta.”

Franks laughs at that. “I don’t know, man. I don’t think I sing as good as people say I do.”

Gerard gestures behind Frank to where the pizza guy is waiting and Frank turns around to pay him. 

Gerard offers to pay, but Frank waves him off, saying he’s the one who invited Gerard to hang out and Gerard can pay next time. Gerard says, “Deal.” Frank’s heart swells like a hormonal teenager’s when he realizes that Gerard intends for there to be a ‘next time’.

They get settled at the table with the pizza and plates and napkins. “I’m sorry about Ray earlier. I really don’t tend to have a lot of people just dropping by.” Frank serves the pizza, putting a slice on a plate for each of them.

“It’s cool.” Gerard waves his hand as if he’s batting at a fly. “Ray’s a good guy. I always liked him. He was always one of the nice ones, you know?” He sits down and looks up at Frank, piercing him with a stare. “I’m glad he didn’t stay, though.”

Frank feels a flutter in his chest at Gerard’s tone and blinks at him a few times. He doesn’t know what to say, so he goes to get a beer from the fridge and asks Gerard if he wants one.

“No thanks, I can’t drink. Do you have soda?”

Frank turns and looks at Gerard questioningly. “Why can’t you drink?” As soon as it’s out, Frank realizes it’s a nosy, personal question and he should have just let it go. He could kick himself when he says shit like that without thinking. 

Gerard doesn’t seem upset by the question, though. “I’m an alcoholic.” He says it very matter-of-factly.

“Oh.” Frank turns back to the fridge. “I have Diet DP, Root Beer and Sprite.” Frank takes a Root Beer for himself and turns around to set it on the table. 

“Root Beer for me too, thanks,” Gerard says around a mouthful of pizza. After he swallows, he says, “This is good pizza.”

Frank puts a Root Beer in front of Gerard and sits down. “Yeah, it’s only like, three blocks away, and the veggies are always really fresh. I like it.”

Gerard touches Frank’s soda can. “You can have a beer if you want, Frank. I don’t mind.”

“It’s cool. Root Beer is good. I probably should be cutting back on the beer, anyway. I’m starting to feel it in my gut.”

Gerard looks Frank up and down around the side of table like he’s assessing him. “Looks fine to me.”

Frank feels himself go crimson. He has no answer for that, so he just takes a bite of his pizza and considers Gerard for a moment. He decides that Gerard seems like the kind of dude who likes the straightforward approach, so he just asks. “How long have you been sober?”

“Almost seven years.”

“Wow, really? That’s great.”

Gerard nods. “Yup. Most days I can’t really believe it’s been that long. It still feels really recent, sometimes.” 

“What happened?” Frank’s curious as hell. 

“Well, it’s really a similar story for most drunks, you know?” Gerard turns his head to the side a bit and cracks his neck. “I started drinking as a teenager and kind of managed it for a long time, like, I could still work and stuff. But it basically got progressively worse until it was just all the time.” Gerard stops and closes his eyes for a minute, as if remembering. When he opens them, he says, “The worst was when it got in the way of my work… my art. That was the bottom, when I couldn’t do what I loved anymore. The bottom lasted kind of a long time.” Gerard rubs the back of his neck. Frank’s beginning to recognize this as a nervous habit. He drops his hand onto the table. “It was just ruining my life. _I_ ruined my life. I was drunk all the time. I couldn’t function. I was hurting the people around me. I felt horrible about myself and I wanted to die.” Gerard taps his fingers on the table for a moment. “That’s really about it. That was seven years ago this summer, when I stopped.”

“How did you do it?” Frank puts his hand on the table next to Gerard’s. “How did you stop?”

Gerard looks at Frank’s hand for a minute before putting his in it. “It was like one day, I just… woke up. I realized how miserable I was, how I didn’t want to live anymore if I had to go another day feeling like I did. I knew something had to give or one of these days I was going to go on a bender and pass out and not wake up.”

Frank gives Gerard’s fingers a squeeze. They’re greasy from the pizza. “So how many tries did it take you to get clean?”

“Just one.”

“You got sober on your first try? After drinking your whole life?” Frank is pretty amazed at this.

“Yup, first try. I guess I just kinda knew that it had to work, that if I couldn’t get it right the first time, I never would.” Gerard squeezes Frank’s hand back once more and then drops his hand to his lap. “Hey, can I smoke in here?”

“Sure.”

Gerard lights up and shakes the pack at Frank, offering him one. Frank takes one and lights it. They finish their pizza smoking in silence, but it’s not uncomfortable. It’s actually just really nice. Frank can’t remember the last time he just sat and ate in silence with someone and didn’t feel weird about it. He figures there must have been some nice, quiet times like this with Leslie. But he doesn’t want to think about Leslie right now. This is better than it was with Leslie, because this is now. This is happening and Frank decides that he doesn’t want to think about anything else, he wants to be present for this. He wants to enjoy it. Leslie always used to complain that she felt like Frank wasn’t really there a lot of the time, like his mind was off in another world somewhere. Frank’s not going to make the same mistakes again. Something inside is telling him that Gerard is too important. This is too important to fuck up.

When they finish eating, Frank puts the leftover pizza in a zip-lock bag in the fridge and clears the table.

“You’re a pretty clean guy, huh?” Gerard asks, smirking slightly.

“It’s summer. I don’t really have a _problem_ with bugs, per se, but I don’t tend to make a habit of leaving invitations out for them to set up camp in my house.”

“I don’t know,” Gerard says as they walk into the living room. “That sounds like an excuse. I bet you’re neat like this all the time.” Gerard waves his arms around. “I mean, look at this place. Everything’s so organized.”

“I like to be able to find my shit when I’m looking for it.” Frank feigns defensiveness, but Gerard is smiling at him. He grabs Gerard’s hands and stills them before carefully linking their fingers together. “Hey you,” he says, looking up at Gerard and raising his eyebrows.

“Hey what?” Gerard’s voice is low and his eyes are dark, intense. The atmosphere in room changes just like that, going from teasing to seduction in three seconds flat.

Frank takes Gerard’s hands and places them on the small of his back. Wrapping his fingers around the back of Gerard’s neck, he says, “Hey, I think you should kiss me now.”

Gerard leans down and does just that. The kiss is less tentative than the previous ones. It’s all open mouths and tangling tongues right from the start. Frank pushes himself up into it so that their bodies are pressed together. He turns his mouth to the side for a second to catch his breath and Gerard leans down farther and begins kissing his neck. 

He starts with just little kisses. Then he opens his mouth and begins to lick. He licks the side of Frank’s neck, up under his ear and then back around again to the front, over his adams apple and down to the pulse point at the hollow of his throat. Frank tangles his fingers in Gerard’s hair as he begins to nip gently at the sensitive skin. His breath catches and when Gerard sucks the tiniest bit, his whole body shudders. 

Gerard finally pulls his mouth off Frank’s tender neck and backs up just enough to speak, his hot breath ghosting over Frank’s skin as he says, “I want to give you a hickey, but it’s summer, so I doubt you’ll be wanting to wear turtlenecks or scarves to hide it.” 

Frank laughs as Gerard pulls down carefully on the neck of his t-shirt, apparently looking for skin to mark. “Oh hey,” he says, suddenly pulling back and running his fingers along Frank’s collarbone. “There’s more ink here.” Gerard pulls back and stands up straight, letting his fingers flit down Frank’s chest and sides and then rest at the hem of his shirt. “I want to see.” 

Frank nods and lifts his arms up so that Gerard can pull his shirt up over his head and toss it to the floor. “Wow,” Gerard says breathily as he stands back, his eyes running up and down Frank’s chest and stomach. He runs his fingers over the lines of the tattoos then turns Frank around to see his back. His hands rub over the ink there and Frank shivers. “Wow,” he says again. He turns Frank around to face him and places his hands on Frank’s shoulders before leaning down to gently kiss the top of his right shoulder. Soon, he’s not just kissing anymore, and it’s not gentle. Frank shudders and forgets to breathe as Gerard bites and sucks on his skin for what feels like forever, yet not long enough. Gerard backs off to lick over the spot that will surely be an angry purple in a little while and Frank finally remembers to breathe. 

“Are you part vampire?” he asks, looking up into Gerard’s dark eyes.

Gerard smiles. “I’ve always thought that if fantasy creatures were real, a vampire is what I’d like to be.” Gerard licks lightly at Frank’s lips and then moves back and says, “Your skin is delicious.”

Frank considers Gerard’s sharp little teeth as he smiles down through his hair. He can’t even take it, he wants to crawl inside Gerard’s skin. He tangles his hands up in Gerard’s hair and pulls his head down hard until their foreheads touch. He pants up into Gerard’s mouth for a moment, their breath hot and heavy, shared between them. Then he finally pushes up for a brutal kiss, teeth clacking together. It’s wet and slippery and sloppy and Frank doesn’t care because Gerard tastes like pizza and smoke and his own flavor that Frank can’t name, but he’s learning to recognize it and he wants to know it forever. 

He finally backs off from the kiss when he’s so far gone that he needs to breathe through his mouth or he’ll suffocate. He pulls Gerard with him, backing up into the couch and falling against it ungracefully. He turns sideways and lays back, with his head on the armrest and pulls Gerard down on top of him. 

Gerard resists being pulled all the way down. “C’mon, lay on me,” Frank pants.

“I’m heavy.”

“Don’t care, I want to feel you.” Frank finally gets his arms around Gerard’s back and manages to pull him right on top of him. He is heavy, but it’s good. The weight feels hot and delicious and Frank loves it. “C’mon, more kissing.” 

Putting his hands on either side of Gerard’s face, he brings him close, rubbing his thumb over Gerard’s lips, over the freckle on the bottom one. Frank sticks his tongue out to lick over his lips very lightly. Gerard shivers and Frank does it again, touching the freckle with just the tip of his tongue. Gerard makes a growling noise in the back of his throat as if he’s had enough teasing and then smashes his mouth against Frank’s. Frank gives back as good as he gets and their kisses disintegrate into something wild and messy and hungry. Soon he feels Gerard hips moving against his thigh, his cock hard through his jeans. Frank decides Gerard is wearing way too many clothes and he needs to correct that immediately.

Reaching down Gerard’s back, Frank pulls up on his hoodie and t-shirt. Gerard lifts up to let him pull them over his head. Frank runs his hands over the flawless, pale skin of Gerard chest before snaking his hands down between their bodies and going to work on Gerard’s belt. Gerard pushes himself up to give him more access as he undoes the button and fly of the too-tight jeans. Then Frank is pushing Gerard’s underwear down and _finally_ his hot heavy dick is in his hands and it feels amazing. 

Frank moves his fingers over the warm skin and Gerard instinctively thrusts into his hand. He’s already leaking and Frank swirls the wetness down the shaft and Gerard’s breath catches in his throat. Frank is about to begin pumping his dick in earnest when Gerard says, “Wait,” and moves farther back. “I want to touch you.” 

Frank takes his hands off Gerard’s length to help him undo his belt and get his jeans undone and down. Pulling his hands back, he lets Gerard reach into his underwear and slowly push them down to reveal his dick, heavy and hard and straining. Gerard just looks at it for a moment and licks his lips before putting his hand on it. He’s not gentle at all, but it’s not too much, it’s perfect. His strokes are rough at first as he spreads precome around. Then he’s bringing his hand up to his mouth. Frank watches as he spits in his palm and resumes stroking him. It’s better now, wet and slick, and Frank’s eyes roll back in his head as he gets lost in the sensation. 

After a moment, he feels Gerard’s mouth on his, not really kissing, just hovering over his mouth and licking inside, tongues just touching as their breath rushes between them. Finally Frank comes back to himself and starts kissing and stroking Gerard again.

Gerard shifts his body so his hip is resting on of Frank’s. It should hurt, but the only thing Frank is really feeling right now is Gerard’s hand on his dick and tongue in his mouth. Gerard is lining up their cocks and putting his hand on top of Frank’s to jerk them off together. It feels so good and Frank can’t breathe, he pushes his head back, arching his neck to gasp in air and Gerard starts licking at his neck. He’s leaving long, wet stripes up and down Frank’s windpipe and Frank has to close his eyes against all the overwhelming stimulation.

He knows he’s letting Gerard do most of the work, just going along with it as he moves their hands up and down their joint hard-ons, but he doesn’t care. It’s too good and Gerard isn’t complaining. They’re both thrusting up into their hands now. The rhythm is perfect, hip bones rubbing together as they meet each other thrust for thrust. 

Frank catches his breath and puts his mouth back on Gerard’s, gasping, “So good,” as he delves inside with his tongue. 

Gerard moans into Frank’s mouth, his eyes squeezing shut as his rhythm starts to falter. “Close,” he gasps out. 

Frank looks down at their cocks sliding together and adds more pressure to his strokes. He feels Gerard’s dick jump in his hand and then Gerard’s whole body stills, going taut before he begins to spill over their stomachs and chests, hot white streams of come covering them both. Frank keeps their hands pumping through it all, through all the aftershocks and it’s only a few seconds before Frank is losing his rhythm and faltering, his grip going slack and he’s coming between them as well. He drops his hand as he comes undone, his spunk spilling out over their hands. Gerard keeps stroking him gently until he’s sure he’s done and then it’s too much and Frank grabs at Gerard’s hand, pulls it up to his mouth and begins licking their conjoined come off of it. It isn’t long before Gerard starts doing the same, licking Frank’s hand clean. 

When both their hands are clean, they kiss again, tasting one another in each other’s mouths. It’s salty and sweet and wonderful and for a few minutes, Frank doesn’t even care about the slimy liquid that’s cooling and getting sticky where it still rests between them on their bellies. After a little while, Gerard pulls off Frank’s mouth and scoots down the couch just enough to rest his head against Frank’s shoulder. He stays there quietly for a little while, his breath evening out as he runs his hand up and down Frank’s side. Frank gently brushes his fingertips through Gerard’s hair, ghosting them over his scalp and making him shiver.

Gerard turns his head and smiles up at Frank. “You like my hair, you keep touching it.”

“Mmmhmm, I do.” Frank tugs on a few strands and then moves his hand down to cup his palm over Gerard’s shoulder and squeeze a bit. “I like so many things about you.”

“Mmmm, me too.” Gerard blinks. “I mean, I like you, too.” 

Gerard turns his head up just enough, and Frank leans his head down just enough for them to kiss again. It’s soft and chaste, tender and sweet. And Frank thinks his heart is going to burst. He can’t remember ever feeling quite this fragile with anyone after just one hook-up. This isn’t a hook-up, though, he reminds himself. Mikey’s words come rushing back to him, _you can’t mess around with Gerard. It doesn’t work._ So this isn’t a hook-up and Frank is suddenly scared and he doesn’t know why. When he pulls back from the kiss, Gerard is smiling at him, eyes open and honest. Frank has this amazing, beautiful, naked man on top of him and he doesn’t know what he’s _doing_. He lets his head fall back onto the armrest again and looks up at the ceiling. He keeps squeezing Gerard’s shoulder like all he knows how to do is hold on.

When he becomes aware that Gerard is trying to lift himself up, Frank lets go of his shoulder and watches as he reaches down into his jeans to pull out his cigarettes. The first one he lights, he puts in Frank’s mouth and then lights one for himself. Frank thinks that Gerard has some kind of philosophy, wherein when he doesn’t know what to do, he smokes. Frank thinks he could get on board with this philosophy. 

They smoke in silence until Frank can’t take it anymore. He finally says, “We should get cleaned up.” Gerard nods and sits up so that Frank can move. He goes into the bathroom and comes back with a wet washcloth, carefully wiping himself off before tucking back into his pants and handing the cloth to Gerard to do the same. 

After Gerard is cleaned up and dressed again, he hands the cloth back to Frank who tosses it into his dirty clothes pile at the bottom of the linen closet. When he comes back to the couch, Gerard is laughing at him. “Neat freak,” he says under his breath. Frank kicks Gerard as he sits back down on the couch, but Gerard catches his feet and arranges Frank’s legs so that they’re lying across his lap. Gerard reaches under the hems of his jeans and massages Frank’s ankles while he says, “So, tell me about all these dogs of yours.”

And Frank does. 

*_*_*

Frank is very tired at work the next day, but it’s the kind of tired where it was worth it, so he doesn’t really care. 

Gerard ended up staying until almost midnight. Frank has no idea how it got so late; they just sat on the couch and smoked and drank soda and talked about… well… everything. Frank talked quite a bit more than Gerard. He’s not sure if he should feel embarrassed about this. He kept meaning to ask Gerard things about himself, but Gerard, the fucker, every time there was a break in the conversation, would ask Frank about something else that he really wanted to talk about and Frank would be off on another tangent. He started with the dogs. Frank had no problem at all talking about his dogs for a good half hour- how old they all are, how long he’s had them, what their personalities are like and all that. Then he asked about Frank’s band and what kind of music he likes. He asked about Frank’s job and how long he’s been there and how he likes it. The next question was about Frank’s family- his parents and grandparents. Then it was generic taste questions about movies and video games and what he can eat since he can’t have meat or dairy and the next thing they knew it was midnight.

Frank remembers that he started yawning a lot and Gerard looked at his phone and saw how late it was. Then he was getting up and saying goodnight and leaving. Frank also remembers the searing hot kiss they shared before Gerard walked out the door, whispering, “Goodnight, Frankie” as he left. Those words seemed to hover in the air until Frank got in bed. Despite his tiredness, it took him ages to fall asleep. When he finally did, he must have had good dreams, because he woke up feeling happier than he has in ages. 

But he’s also tired. He sits in the yard with the dogs during his lunch break, eating the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he made himself this morning. The weather has finally cooled off a bit and there’s a nice breeze today. It feels good sitting in the shade of the oak tree next to the building. 

The morning was actually pretty busy. They had three families come in looking for dogs. But now that Frank finally has a break and some time to think, he feels nervous. He knows it’s silly. He thinks about his conflicting emotions as he munches on carrot sticks and veggie chips. He’s happy because he had a great time with Gerard last night. All signs point to it happening again, but he feels anxious at the same time. Somehow it all feels too easy. He thinks he’s being ridiculous. He doesn’t know why he can’t just relax and enjoy something nice in his life. Why does he have to question and over think everything?

Frank’s biggest concern right now is that he doesn’t know if he should text Gerard or not. And if he does, what should he say? Should he ask Gerard out again? Or is it Gerard’s turn to make plans, since Frank invited last time? Maybe he should just say that he had fun last night? Frank doesn’t know what the rules are about this. It’s been a really fucking long time since he’s actually _dated_ a dude. Frank drains his Dr. Pepper and tries to remember. It’s been like… three years. He can’t really remember what he did before. He thinks it might have been easier in the past because he doesn’t remember caring quite as much about any other guys he dated as he does about Gerard.

He knows he can’t mess around with Gerard, though. He knows that one thing for certain and so he needs to just go ahead and text him. Gerard is probably fine about everything. He’s probably not even awake yet. He’s probably not obsessing over the rules of gay dating, that’s for sure. Frank rolls his eyes at himself and fires off a quick text.

_Had a great time yesterday :)_

Frank briefly considers saying something sexy like, “I can still taste you” or some shit like that, but then he decides he really doesn’t want to be _that_ guy. And besides, he doesn’t want Gerard to think he’s the kind of guy who’s only about the sex and that he didn’t enjoy all the talking they did. 

Gerard doesn’t text back by the time Frank’s lunch is over and he tries to tell himself not to be disappointed by that. He figures Gerard is just busy. He’s making art, or writing his comic, or doing… something else that Frank has no idea about because Frank doesn’t really _know_ what Gerard does all day because Frank is a dick who didn’t ask Gerard any questions about himself last night. 

After the busy morning they had, the afternoon turns out to be comparatively boring, so Frank ends up with way too much time to think. By three o’clock it occurs to Frank that his text didn’t really require a response. It’s not like he asked a question or anything. He doesn’t want to send another text with a question in it, because ignoring his text might be some kind of passive-aggressive hint from Gerard that perhaps he _didn’t_ have a great time last night. But then Frank knows that’s crazy, Gerard was happy and affectionate when he left. Frank is being dumb. Maybe Gerard’s phone is just turned down, so he didn’t hear the text alert, and he’s working, so he hasn’t checked his phone for a while. Frank is beginning to feel like the biggest lovesick loser on the planet for obsessing over text messages, when his phone finally buzzes. He almost drops the damn thing in his haste to pull it out of his pocket. It’s a text from Gerard.

_I had a great time, too. I want to see you again._

First, Frank’s heart swells to three times its normal size as he allows himself to bask in the fact that the most beautiful man he’s ever known wants to see him again. Then he marvels at the fact that Gerard uses complete sentences, full words, and proper punctuation in his text messages. Huh. 

Also Frank has no idea how to respond to that text. He knows it’s obnoxious, but he decides not to reply right away. He figures that since Gerard took hours to reply to his text, he can take hours to reply back. Also, he needs that time to figure out what to say. 

*_*_*

Frank isn’t inside his apartment for more than five minutes before Ray knocks. It’s his early day and Ray knows it, so he must have been watching for Frank to get home. The minute Frank gets the door open Ray says with a huge grin, “Dude, you totally hooked up with Gerard Way last night!”

Frank ducks his head and smiles, he can’t help it. “I did.”

“That is so awesome.” Ray hugs Frank. Frank isn’t sure that this is really a hugging occasion, but he goes with it.

“Is it?” Frank can’t hide anything from Ray. His anxiety over Gerard doesn’t stand a chance.

“Yeah, man, Gerard is awesome! He deserves someone like you.” Ray backs out of the hug and Frank stands aside to let him into the apartment. 

“Someone like me?” Frank closes the door walks into the kitchen where he’d been about to get himself a beer before Ray knocked

“Yeah, you know, like… someone who won’t treat him like shit.”

Frank hands a beer to Ray before he opens one for himself. “Some might argue that I treated Leslie like shit.”

“Shut up, Iero. You treated that girl like a princess. You guys just wanted different things. It happens.” Ray shrugs. “And in the end you were able to stay friends which really says a lot about what kind of guy you are.”

Frank frowns. “I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t return text messages.”

“Uh oh, why not?” Ray raises his eyebrows.

“I don’t know what to fucking say?” Frank waves his arms in frustration.

“What does that mean?” Ray pushes down on Frank’s arms in a soothing manner. “Just reply, say anything, it doesn’t matter. I mean, he likes you, right?”

“Yeah, he said he had a good time last night.” Frank scowls and takes a drink of his beer. 

“Okay, so what’s the problem?”

Frank sighs. “He wants to see me again.”

“That’s good!” Ray rubs his forehead. “I don’t see where the problem is.”

“I just mean I don’t know what to say back.”

“He says he wants to see you again?”

Frank nods.

“Okay” Ray waves a hand. “So you say ‘When?’ ‘Where?’ You make a date, Frank. This isn’t rocket science.”

Franks rubs his hands over his head and tugs on his hair a little bit. “It’s hard with Gerard.”

“Oh really?” Ray does not look convinced. “How come?”

“He has social anxiety? Like, he’s a little bit like… agoraphobic?” Frank sighs and drops his hands. “He doesn’t _do_ public places. He made that very clear last night.”

Ray looks thoughtful as he takes a few swallows of his beer. “Okay, so no public places. So you don’t go out. That’s really not the end of the world, just invite him here again.”

“You think? Even though he was just here yesterday?”

Ray shakes his head dramatically. “Frank, why are you over thinking this? Did he seem to have a problem with your apartment or something?”

Frank whines, “He seemed to think it’s too clean.” He knows he sounds petulant, but he can’t help it. 

“Ha!” Ray laughs. “That I believe. Gerard’s never been known for cleanliness.” He leans back against the counter, smiling. “Okay, but aside from the cleanliness, he seems to like your place okay?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Frank shrugs. “But I feel like there should be something more than just, ‘hey, come to my house again so we can make out some more.’” Franks waves his arm vaguely to imply how lame that would be.

Ray ruffles Frank’s hair a bit. “Dude, don’t knock making out. It’s never a bad thing.” Frank laughs at that and Ray continues, “Okay, so just invite him over to do something. Does he like video games? You wanna borrow the Xbox?”

Frank ponders for a minute before answering. “Yeah, I guess he does. We talked about video games a little last night. Well, I talked about them.”

“Hmmm…” Ray has his thinking face on and Frank’s stomach grumbles. He starts rummaging in the cabinet until he finds a box of dairy-free mac & cheese. Ray perks up suddenly. “Frank, you should cook for him!”

“What?” Franks stops and turns toward Ray, clutching the box of pasta.

“You’re a good cook, for a dude, Leslie always used to rave about it.” Ray’s waving his arms. “Christa wouldn’t shut up for like a week after you made that vegetarian chili for us. You should make that for Gerard!”

Frank considers this as he fills a pot with hot water and puts it on the stove to heat. “Really?” he finally says, skeptically.

“Sure, you invite him over for Xbox and homemade vegetarian chili. Who could turn that down? The guy already likes you. Cooking for him, that’s like… romantic even!” Ray pauses and turns to look right at Frank. “I mean, if that’s how you feel about him.” He cocks his head to the side. “Is that how you feel about him, Frankie?”

Frank can’t stop his smile as he looks at Ray to answer. “Yeah,” he says nodding and laughing at himself a tiny bit. “Yeah, it is. Totally is.”

They’re quiet for a few minutes while Frank pulls out his cigarettes and lights one up.

Eventually Ray says, “So that’s why you’re so scared?”

Frank nods but doesn’t say anything. Ray leans forward and puts his hand on Frank’s arm. “Frank, just go for it. I’m telling you, Gerard is a good guy. He could be really good for you.” 

Frank is just about to ask Ray what he means by that when two things happen at once. First, the water on the stove starts to boil and second, his phone vibrates. He quickly dumps the box of macaroni into the pot and sets the timer on the stove, then checks his phone. It’s a text from Mikey.

_U best b texting my brother back ASAP or I will END you_

“Oh shit.”

“What is it?” Frank shows Ray the screen. “Dude, you don’t wanna be pissing off Mikey Way. Text Gerard now.” Ray’s tone is deadly serious.

“Yeah, yeah, okay, hang on.” 

Frank brings up the message thread with Gerard and just stares at the screen for a few seconds before typing.

_Are you free Saturday night?_

He hits send and hands the phone to Ray so he can see the screen. “See how easy that was?” Ray teases and Frank rolls his eyes at him before going to stir the pasta.

They stand in silence for a little bit while Frank smokes. Ray finally breaks the silence when he gets up to open the window over the sink. “If you have to smoke in here, you can at least open a window. It’s not even that hot today.”

Frank just looks at him for a moment and goes back to stirring the pasta.

This time, Gerard texts back after only a few minutes. Frank is glad because he knows the fucker is talking to Mikey about this, so it’s not like he’s busy working right now. He’s freaking out just as much as Frank. He’s got to be. Unless he’s the kind of guy who tells his brother everything, which Frank really hopes is not the case. If Gerard didn’t reply quickly this time, Frank would have to wonder if this is some kind of game; and Frank just can’t handle that. He’s way too old for that shit. 

The timer on the stove goes off and Frank takes deep breaths while he drains and rinses the pasta and drops it back in the pot. He mixes in margarine, soy milk, and the fake cheese sauce before he turns, intending to look at his phone where it was sitting on the counter, only to find that Ray’s already looking at it. “Hey!” he yelps. 

“He says he’s free.” Ray hands Frank the phone.

Sure enough, when Frank looks, there’s a text from Gerard that simply says. _Yup_

Frank scratches his head. “Now what?”

Ray rolls his eyes so hard Frank thinks it must be painful. “Dude, why are you making this so much harder than it has to be? Just tell him what time to come over. Say there will be Xbox and veggie chili. Do you have some kind of text message writer’s block?”

Frank does the only thing he can do when he’s being crazy and Ray insists on being practical. He sticks his tongue out at him. Ray laughs and shakes his head, reaching for the phone. Frank shoves it in his pocket. “No way! I’m gonna do it. I just need… a minute.”

Frank gets out bowls and spoons. He fills a bowl for Ray and then one for himself and sits down at the table with it. He blows on his pasta to cool it and waits until he’s had a few bites before he pulls out his phone again. He types and backspaces about a half dozen times before finally settling on his message.

_Want 2 come 2 my place around 5 to play Xbox & eat? I’ll make u veggie chili._

Frank hits send and then passes the phone over to Ray who has his hand out, waiting. Ray reads the message, smiles, and hands the phone back. “Looks good,” he says, approvingly.

Frank’s still chewing on his next bite when the phone buzzes again with a reply from Gerard.

_Sounds good! See you then!_

Frank’s chest feels warm and tight, but he feels relieved, too, like he can finally breathe after worrying all day. It must show on his face because he looks up to find Ray staring at him with his eyebrow raised and a look of bemused concern in his eyes. “Dude, what is your deal? You’re like, stupid over this guy.”

Frank sighs, dropping his spoon and rubs his eyes. “Ray, man, you have no idea. I don’t even know.” 

“Wow,” is all Ray says in reply to that. 

Frank just laughs at himself and shakes his head. “Yup, that about sums it up.”

\+ *_*_* +

Okay, so thinking about it now, Gerard realizes that it probably wasn’t the best decision to start the day out texting Mikey about last night. At the time, he was just excited and the only person he can talk to about Frank is Mikey. Gerard is basically just floating on cloud nine right now. Having hardly dated anyone in years, last night blindsided him completely. He never would have expected someone like Frank to be interested in him. He felt like the creepiest loser on the planet going back to the animal shelter like that. He was glad to have the chance to draw Frank. Of course, he would have been thrilled with just having the chance to _look_ at him again. And then… well… he got _so_ much more than that. He smirks a bit to himself remembering it. 

But what Gerard can’t figure out now is how Alicia had known. She’d been so sure that Frank would be happy to see Gerard again and she was right. She even told him a little bit about Frank, about his band and everything, which was nice. But he really did think she was crazy about the whole thing until he got back to the shelter and then… the way Frank looked at him, it was so obvious. And Gerard just went for it. He almost felt like he was living someone else’s life for a little while. Gerard doesn’t just _do_ shit like that. He doesn’t go home with hot guys and eat pizza with them and hook up on their couches. 

And so of course today Gerard feels a bit like he’s dreaming and all he wants to do is blab about it to Mikey like a hormonal teenage girl. Looking back at it, he knows that first text was ill-advised, if simply for no other reason than that it was far too vague. 

_I hooked up with your friend Frank last night._

Mikey’s response had come almost immediately. It made Gerard laugh because he could hear Mikey saying it in his head.

_What does that mean?_

Gerard’s response didn’t really explain much more, but it seemed important for Mikey to know.

_I really like him._

This was, apparently, not the explanation that Mikey was looking for.

 _WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???_

If Gerard was a nice brother, he would have called Mikey at this point and told him all about the evening. But Gerard is not a nice brother and he was having far too much fun teasing. So he texted Mikey again.

_I really like Frank a lot._

Mikey didn’t respond after that, which actually disappointed Gerard a bit. He had really wanted to gush about Frank to someone. But he figured maybe Mikey got busy with work or whatever and would just call him tonight when he got home. What he was not expecting was for Mikey to show up at his house after work and demand to know what’s going on.

What’s really unfortunate is that by the time Mikey shows up, it’s right around the time that Gerard is starting to freak out because Frank hasn’t texted him back. 

“It’s my fault,” Gerard says, attempting to placate Mikey, who’s been pacing since he walked in the door, muttering under his breath about how he’s going to ‘end’ Frank Iero. “I took a really long time texting him back earlier.”

Mikey stops and pierces Gerard with a glare. “Why did you wait so fucking long?”

“I didn’t mean to,” Gerard whines. “I was just…” he waves an arm, “involved… I was plotting the next issue and I was on a roll. I didn’t realize how much time had passed.”

Mikey runs a hand through his hair. “So that could have made Frank think you’re playing him.”

“I’m not, though!”

“I know that. Frank should know that, I told him… nevermind. He should have texted back by now. I’m going to the bathroom.”

Gerard sighs as Mikey stalks away. Now he feels like a jerk. He shouldn’t have involved Mikey in this. He _knows_ how protective Mikey gets, especially since Bert. Not that Gerard’s done much dating since Bert.

Gerard’s phone vibrates and he looks down to see the text from Frank about Saturday just as Mikey’s walking back from the bathroom. “He wants to know if I’m free Saturday.”

“That’s good.”

“Why not tomorrow, though? I don’t think I can wait.” Gerard feels his voice rising.

Mikey plants a hand on Gerard’s shoulder and gives him the ‘you’re freaking out’ look. “Frank’s band has a show tomorrow night. So unless you want to go to his show, Saturday is the best option.”

“Oh. I’m not going to a show.”

“Okay then.” Mikey takes his hand back. “Did you tell him that you’re free?”

“Oh! No, I will now.” Gerard texts Frank back that he doesn’t have plans and follows Mikey into the kitchen where he’s pulling two cans of Sprite out of the fridge. 

Mikey hands one to Gerard and says, “You need to know some things about Frank.”

“I know, Alicia warned me.” Gerard takes the Sprite and opens it. “She said she’s heard that Frank can be kind of obnoxious sometimes.” 

“It’s not just that, it’s like… he’s a loose cannon, Gee.” Mikey sits down on one of the stools by the counter. “He’s like the nicest dude ever, but he’s got some real angst in him. I don’t-” he sighs, “I don’t really understand where it comes from.”

Gerard shrugs and says, “I think I can handle that.” Then his phone buzzes with Frank’s message inviting him over for Xbox and chili. He quickly texts back and shows the phone to Mikey.

Mikey reads it and nods. “See, he’s a real person. He’s going to do things that you don’t expect.”

“I know that!” Gerard feels defensive. He knows Mikey means well, but it feels condescending. “Believe me, Mikes, I get that he’s a real person, okay?”

“Okay,” Mikey says easily. “But how exactly did you go from Tuesday night telling Alicia that you ‘don’t want to bother Frank’ to today texting me that you ‘really like him a lot’?”

Gerard smiles, because now he gets to gush. He’s been waiting all day for it and it all comes spilling out of him like a runaway train. “Well, he’s just amazing! You should see him with his dogs…”

\+ *_*_* +

Frank has just closed the van door after putting away the last amp and is about to head for his car when he feels a hand curl tightly around his arm and pull him back.

“Leaving so soon, Frank?” Mikey says. His tone is so flat that it makes Frank’s skin crawl.

“I’m pretty tired tonight,” Frank lies.

“Nonsense, you’re never tired after a show. Come back inside and let me buy you a drink. We need to talk.”

Frank doesn’t really have much of a choice as Mikey drags him back inside and up to the bar. 

“Whatcha drinkin’ Frankie?” 

“Umm, Miller Lite is good.” Frank tugs on his arm until Mikey relents and lets go.

“You might want something stronger for this conversation, man.”

Frank steels his confidence and looks Mikey dead in the eyes. “If it’s going to be about Gerard, I’m sure I can handle it just fine with a Miller Lite.” Whatever it is that’s got Mikey looking so serious, he’s overreacting. He has to be.

Mikey gets Miller Lites for both of them and Frank waits for him to talk about whatever it is that’s so important.

Finally, Mikey asks, “If you’re so sure you can handle it, why were you trying to run out without talking to me earlier?”

“I wasn’t.” Except that Frank totally was. He’d spent the whole time before the show hiding backstage in the hopes that Mikey wouldn’t come looking for him. Frank fixes Mikey with the most honest stare he can muster and tries not to flinch.

Mikey narrows his eyes at Frank before seeming to come to a conclusion. He shakes his head and says, “Frank, why Gerard?” He scratches his neck and tugs on a piece of his hair. “Does it have to be Gerard?”

Frank nods. “It does, Mikes. It really does.” He taps his fingers on the bar. “Anyway, it’s like… too late to take it back now? I can’t do that. I don’t want to. I really like him.”

“Awww, jeez.” Mikey drops his head to the side dramatically for a moment. “Did you guys like, rehearse this or something?”

Frank smiles at that. “Well, we did tell each other that we like each other. That’s good communication, right? That’s getting off to a good start?” Frank asks, hopefully.

Mikey just stares at Frank as if he has so many sarcastic responses to this inane statement that he’s having trouble deciding which one to use. 

“I’m sorry about waiting so long to text him yesterday,” Frank says apologetically. “I just wanted to get it right, you know?”

“Okay.” Mikey spreads his hands out in front of him. “That’s the first thing you need to learn if you’re going to date Gerard.” He pauses for emphasis. “Don’t worry about getting it right, because he sure as hell isn’t.” He balls his hands into fists and rubs them on his thighs as he talks. “With Gerard, you have to just go for it. If he thinks you’re worrying about it, that’s going to freak him out.” He takes a deep breath and looks right at Frank. “Frank, he doesn’t give a fuck if things aren’t perfect. You’re going to have to get past that side of yourself if this has even a ghost of a chance of working.”

Frank’s mind mulls over everything Mikey’s just said and all he can say in response is, “Okay.”

That seems to be good enough for Mikey because he continues. “Gerard does this thing when he likes someone. It’s like… like he can’t hold himself back at all. It’s this really overwhelming thing sometimes and it tends to freak people out.” Mikey leans close and puts his hand on Frank’s knee. “Frank, it’s really important that you not freak out.”

Frank feels his eyes get huge. “I- I won’t.”

“I know Gee hasn’t done anything creepy or crazy, yet. I think he’s really trying this time. But…” Mikey sighs and runs his hand through his hair, “you’re kind of skittish.”

“I’m not!” Frank retorts too loudly. He slouches down a bit when the bartender looks up at him, startled. “I’m not. Not this time.”

Mikey snorts and takes a drink of his beer.

They drink in silence for a few moments before Frank asks, “What happened with Bert?” 

Mikey just shakes his head. 

“Please tell me. I think I should know.”

Mikey stares at the bar. “It’s not up to me to tell.”

Frank scratches his knee. He feels defeated. “I don’t think I’m ready to ask Gerard about it yet…”

“He wouldn’t talk about it, anyway.”

“Right, so there has to be something you can tell me. I just…” Frank rubs at his legs in frustration. “I just don’t want to fuck this up before I even start. I need to know what I’m getting into here.”

Mikey drains his beer and turns his head toward Frank but doesn’t look at him. “Bert was-” Mikey waves his arm, “Bert was like, the boyfriend to end all boyfriends.”

“That sounds a bit melodramatic.”

Mikey raises his eyebrows and looks at Frank through his hair. “This is Gerard we’re talking about. Melodrama is like his standard setting.” Frank just looks at Mikey and waits, tapping his fingers on the bar once more. Mikey sighs and finally speaks again. “So, seriously, that’s how badly Gerard took the breakup, okay? Like, I honestly don’t think it would have surprised anyone if Gerard never dated again.” He puts his hand on Frank’s fingers, stilling them. “I’m like, so fucking proud of him that he’s going for it with you. But I’m terrified, too.” Mikey drops his hand back to his lap. “Fuck, he’s terrified, I’m sure of it. He’s just not showing it, probably not even admitting it to himself.” He looks thoughtful as waves at the bartender to order another beer then he says, “Gerard is super good at hiding things from himself. Like, the whole last year with Bert? Things were really terrible, but Gee just wouldn’t see it, you know?” Mikey waits for Frank to nod before he continues. “He was so in love with Bert. Gerard doesn’t do things half-way. When he falls in love, it’s like… like Bert used to say, it was like the most powerful feelings in the universe, good and bad, all directed at you all at once.”

Frank gets that. Somehow, he totally does. He thinks about how it felt to have Gerard over him, touching him, kissing him, making him feel everything. It was good, though. Why would anyone not want that? “But why did they break up?”

“I guess in the end, Bert just couldn’t handle it. I think it was really easy that first year while Gerard was still drunk all the time.” Mikey stops and seems to consider his words before he continues. “Like, when Gerard drank, he was like the ‘Diet Coke’ of himself. Like the watered down version, so he was easier to handle. Sober Gerard is undiluted. It’s like ‘the real thing’. At max volume. All the time.”

“But it’s good that he’s sober!” Frank is starting to feel really protective of Gerard.

“Oh! Of course it is! I didn’t mean… I mean, I’m glad he’s sober, it’s great. It’s SO much better this way.” Mikey waves his hands to emphasize this point. “Gee is happier sober than he ever was drunk, and his work is so much better. No, he needs to be sober, definitely.” Mikey stops, wrinkling his brow a little bit. “I think… I guess I thought he’d just decided that like… well, in the end I think Gee thought he was having to choose between sobriety and relationships.”

“He doesn’t have to choose!” Frank’s voice rises. “He’s fine sober! There’s nothing wrong with him!”

“Frank.” Mikey grabs Frank’s hand and makes him be still. “You have hung out with him exactly _one_ time. I know you guys hooked up and that’s great. But it was _one_ night, okay?” Frank deflates and nods. Mikey pats his hand. “Of course Gerard doesn’t have to choose between sobriety and relationships, but he _thought_ he did. That’s all I’m saying.” He squeezes Frank’s fingers. “But I’m really glad that he’s changed his mind.”

“Yeah?” Frank’s doesn’t think he’s ever felt so unsure about anything in his life. 

“Yeah,” Mikey says firmly, before letting go of Frank’s hand. “Yeah, I really am.”

*_*_*

So Frank is embarrassingly nervous before Gerard comes over on Saturday. It takes everything he has in him to fight his desire to clean the apartment. For a brief, hysterical moment, he considers actually messing it up a bit, but he can’t bring himself to do it. 

He spends a lot of the afternoon in the kitchen preparing the chili. Everything’s fresh because he waited until this morning to go to the store for all the ingredients. He actually finds it quite relaxing, chopping up the vegetables, rinsing the beans, and soaking the rice that he always makes to go with the chili. He’s made this recipe dozens of times. It was one of the first things he learned to make when he decided to become a vegetarian. It’s kind of like an old friend. He’s sure Gerard will like it. 

Frank texts him about an hour before he’s supposed to get there to ask about spices.

_how spicy u like ur chili?_

Gerard texts back immediately, which Frank thinks is a good sign.

_Spicy!_

This makes Frank smile because he likes it spicy too. He goes to town adding black and cracked red pepper, garlic, and chili powder until the whole apartment stinks of it and he has to open a window to air the place out.

He stirs the pot once more before turning it down to simmer until Gerard gets there and they’re ready to eat. Then Frank decides to go ahead and walk the dogs around outside for a while, so he won’t have to worry about them so much once Gerard arrives. 

When he gets back, it’s almost five. 

He fills the dogs’ water and food bowls, stirs the chili again and lights up a cigarette to smoke while he waits. 

At exactly 5:01, the buzzer from downstairs sounds. He jumps up and presses the button, “Gerard?”

“Hi, Frank!”

“Hi! Come on up!” Frank holds the button for the door to open downstairs and then stands in the doorway, waiting. As soon as Gerard rounds the corner from the stairwell, Frank feels his face break into a huge grin. He couldn’t play it cool, even if he tried. 

Gerard is grinning, too, by the time he gets to Frank. Frank backs up into the apartment, so Gerard can come in and closes the door behind him. Then he just stands there, smiling like a goon. Gerard stands right in front of him and cocks his head to the side a bit and Frank feels his hand come up to rest on his hip. “Hey, Frankie.”

Frank doesn’t even say hey or hi or whatever, he just goes for it. He’s leaning up with his hand on the back of Gerard’s neck and his tongue in his mouth before he even has time to think about what he’s doing. And it’s good. It’s so good. Gerard tastes like toothpaste and smoke and there’s so much force in the way he’s moving his mouth, it’s like he wants to eat Frank alive.

Frank smiles into the kiss and turns his head to the side to get a better angle. Then Gerard is moaning in his throat and reaching his hand around Frank’s back to pull him in until their bodies are pressed against each other. Frank licks up at the roof of Gerard’s mouth and tilts his head up, panting, while Gerard leans down to lick and nibble at his neck. He trembles and gasps as he feels Gerard’s hand on his ass, massaging and squeezing and it’s all Frank can do not to start humping his leg like a teenager. 

Gerard leaves one last, long stripe up his neck and then Frank is turning his head back down and opening his eyes, only to find Gerard’s eyes staring right into his. They touch their foreheads together, panting into each other’s mouths for a few seconds before Frank finally says, “Hey.”

“I missed you.”

“Mmmm, I can tell,” Frank says, nodding, before leaning up to give Gerard’s lips one more firm kiss. He reluctantly backs away and immediately scowls at the carpet where he sees that he’s managed to inadvertently drop ashes in a pile at his feet because he completely forgot about the cigarette he was holding in his left hand while he and Gerard were kissing. “Well, shit.”

Gerard looks at the floor. “Sorry about that. Guess I distracted you.”

“Yes, you did.” Frank tries to feign anger. “Now you have to pay to have my carpet cleaned.” 

Gerard just laughs. “Whatever, okay. Totally worth it if I get to have more kisses like that.”

“Oh you’re getting more,” Frank says darkly. He turns around and walks into the kitchen, motioning for Gerard to follow.

Once in the kitchen, Frank notices Gerard has brought his sketchpad with him. He must stare at it a moment too long because Gerard sees and says, “I’m going to draw you later.” 

A chill runs up Frank’s spine as Gerard speaks. Something about his tone is not casual at all, and the way he says it, like it’s not even a question or a request, turns Frank on to the point where he’s almost ready to just forget about the fucking chili. Almost.

“Okay, um… the food is ready.” Frank gestures at the stove. “Are you hungry?”

Gerard nods. “Yeah, I didn’t eat lunch. Usually I just forget if I’m busy, but today it was intentional.”

Frank feels himself blush as he gets the bowls down out of the cabinet. “Do you want rice, too, or just the chili?”

“Rice is good.” Frank almost drops the bowls as he realizes Gerard is standing right behind him, putting his hands on his hips under his shirt. “Sorry, it’s just… when you reached up, your shirt rode up and I could see your back and I just had to touch.” Gerard nuzzles his nose down into his neck and inhales and Frank giggles at the feel of it. Gerard’s hands reach around to his stomach, his fingers trailing gently. It tickles and makes Frank shiver as he turns around to face Gerard. Gerard takes his hands off Frank’s waist and brings them up to cup either side of his head and he just _looks_ for the longest time. Just when Frank is beginning to feel like he can’t take it anymore, Gerard says, “Do you have any idea how fucking gorgeous you are?” He says it reverently, like a prayer or something. And Frank feels for a second like he wants to cry. 

He doesn’t though. He carefully sets the bowls down on the counter without looking away from Gerard and brings his hands up to place them over Gerard’s. He closes his eyes for a moment and swallows before opening them again. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?” Gerard seems like he really doesn’t know.

“Make me feel like that?” Frank takes one of Gerard’s hands and puts it over his heart where it’s beating so hard it should be breaking his ribs. “Feel that?”

Gerard nods and leans down to kiss Frank again. When he pulls back just enough to speak, he smiles and says with the tiniest laugh, “You made me chili.”

“I did.” Frank smiles back. “Did you want to eat that sometime tonight?”

Gerard moves out of Frank’s space and answers with a decisive “Yes,” as he takes a bowl from the counter and fills it with rice and chili.

They don’t talk much while they eat, but it’s okay. It’s more than okay. Gerard does say that the chili is delicious, but Frank thinks that he probably could have offered up dog food at this point and Gerard would eat it without complaining. 

After eating, they forego the Xbox when Gerard asks if they can take the dogs for a walk since it’s such a nice evening. They smoke as they walk.

They’ve walked about six blocks when Gerard starts talking. “I miss the seasons a lot.” Frank looks at him questioningly. “I mean, I don’t notice them. Like, I’m inside all the time so I don’t realize the weather’s changing. I keep the house the same temperature all the time and I work from home, so I only pay attention if I go out, which is rare.” Gerard takes a deep drag off his cigarette. “So this is really nice. I mean, it’s nice to have a reason to be outside and notice that it’s summer.”

“I’m glad,” is all Frank can think of to say. He stops to pick up after one of the dogs and finally has to ask, “So how bad is it, really? I mean, you don’t like, really _never_ go out, do you?”

“Before I met you?” Gerard pauses to consider. “I would go out, like, once a month, maybe, at the most.” Gerard lights another cigarette off the one he’s just finished. “And that’s only if I absolutely _had_ to. Like, there had to be no choice, no other option.” Gerard scratches his head for a second, thinking. “I worked with my current editor for almost two years before we actually met in person.” 

“That’s insane.”

“It works for me.” Gerard smirks at Frank and grabs his hand that isn’t holding the leashes.

“Okay, but why did you pick up Pebbles? I mean, they could have just waited another day. She didn’t have to be picked up that day.”

“Oh, well, Mikey wanted to stick it to me. We had been fighting the week before. I was… I was supposed to do something for our mom and I just completely forgot. I owed Mikey one, so I couldn’t really say no.” Gerard squeezes Frank’s hand and then lets go to shove his fingers though his hair as they duck under a low tree branch. “Like, when Mikey has something over my head, he almost always will cash in with some way to get me out of the house. It used to make me so mad, but now… I mean, I get it. It’s ‘cause he loves me, you know? He worries about me.”

“Yeah.” Frank nods. He gets it. That Mikey would do that, make Gerard think he didn’t have a choice but to go out. “So when you don’t leave the house ever, do you like, lose track of time? I mean, how do you remember what day it is?”

“Well, I have a calendar and shit.” Gerard laughs. “No, really, I can’t be completely out of touch, because I’m always working. You know, like, deadlines and meetings, I can’t get away from them.”

“But the meetings are like, conference calls?”

“Well yeah, or video chats.”

“Okay, so how do you get food?”

Gerard looks at Frank kind of funny before answering, “I have it delivered.”

“You don’t go to the grocery store?”

Gerard stops suddenly and practically turns green right before Frank’s eyes. “No, never.”

“Never?”

Gerard starts walking on a little ahead of Frank. Frank can barely hear him when he repeats, “Never.”

They don’t talk again until they’re walking back into Frank’s apartment. As soon as they’re inside and the door is shut, Gerard grabs Frank’s face and kisses him hard. When he pulls back, breathless, he says, “I want to draw you now.”

Gerard has Frank take off his shirt and lay on the couch. It takes a good five minutes for Frank to stop laughing and making Titanic jokes before he’s still and calm enough for Gerard to draw him.

“Are you done now?” Gerard asks, bemused, once Frank finally has it all out of his system.

Frank nods and Gerard just shakes his head at him fondly as he begins drawing. Frank watches him. He’s sitting just a few feet away in the brown leather armchair that was Frank’s Grandfather’s. He puts one leg up over the other and balances his sketchpad on it as he draws. Frank watches his face, the way he keeps pulling his lips into his mouth like he’s thinking. He notices the little line the Gerard gets between his eyebrows when he pulls them together in concentration. 

Frank is really not good at sitting still. He thinks he makes it about five minutes, maybe ten, before he asks, “Can I have a cigarette while you draw me?”

“Sure.” Gerard hardly even looks up as he tosses the pack to Frank. 

Smoking makes it a little bit easier to stay still, but it’s not long before Frank starts absently twirling a finger in his hair. “That’s cute,” Gerard says, suddenly erasing vigorously. “Keep doing that.”

Once he realizes he has permission to fidget a little bit, Frank finally starts to relax. Evening shadows fall across the room. At some point Gerard gets up to turn on a lamp near Frank’s head. While he’s there, he plants a tender kiss on Frank’s forehead, but doesn’t say anything. 

Frank has no idea how much time passes. Eventually, he starts to get cold as an evening breeze comes in through the open windows. He’s just started getting goose bumps when Gerard sits down next to him and rubs his warm hands over Frank’s arms. “Cold?”

“A little.”

Gerard pulls Frank up so he’s sitting and puts his arms around him. His body is like a furnace and Frank snuggles in. “I’m finished.” He puts the sketchpad in Frank’s lap and lets him turn through the pages of the drawings he’s done. There are three and they’re all amazing.

Frank doesn’t know what to say. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Gerard’s voice is right by Frank’s ear and he shivers. Gerard tightens his arms around Frank’s shoulders and asks, “Do you like them?”

“I love them.” Frank nuzzles his head back into the crook of Gerard’s neck. “Can I have one?”

“Of course. Whichever one you want, just tell me.” 

“I’ll have to think about it.”

“That’s fine.” Gerard kisses the top of Frank’s head as he closes the sketchpad and sets it on the coffee table.

Frank suddenly gets an idea. He turns around to look at Gerard. “Hey, do you wanna go on the roof?”

“The roof?”

“Yeah, you know, outside.” Frank looks up. “Over our heads.”

“I know what the roof is.” Gerard rolls his eyes. “Why do you want to go up there?”

“Because it’s pretty and I want you to see,” Frank says, standing up and pulling on Gerard’s arms.

“Okay, but you should put a shirt on.”

Frank looks down and realizes he’s still shirtless. “Oh yeah, hang on.”

Frank ends up putting on a hoodie, too, since it’s a cool evening. He insists that they make a bag of microwave popcorn to take up with them. At the last minute, he remembers to grab a blanket to sit on. He thinks he hears Gerard mutter something like, “afraid to get dirty” under his breath. 

Once on the roof, they lay the blanket out and get settled, leaning back against the brick wall of the stairwell. Frank sits down and Gerard turns to look at him, but Frank stops him, pointing at the sky. “Look up.”

The sky is full of stars, millions of them. Frank leans back and just stares up at them all. “It makes me feel small, you know? But not in a bad way.”

Gerard takes Frank’s hand in his and laces their fingers together. “Yeah, I know.” He says, reaching his other hand into the bag of popcorn and bringing a handful of it up to Frank’s mouth. Frank laughs as he eats out of Gerard’s hand. “You know, I always used to say that this was part of the reason why I could never move to the city, not being able to see the stars.” Gerard rests his head on top of Frank’s. “But I don’t ever really look at them.” Gerard eats a handful of popcorn himself before he continues. “I don’t think that’s what it’s about, though. I think I just need to know that I could look at them if I wanted to.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Franks grabs a handful of popcorn and holds it up to Gerard’s mouth. He eats it obediently after he’s done giggling. “So this is like, really romantic, huh?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Like a date.”

“This is a date, Frank.” Gerard rubs his thumb over the top of Frank’s hand.

“Yeah.”

They finish the bag of popcorn in silence and rearrange themselves so that they are spooning, with Gerard in the back as the big spoon. Gerard lights a cigarette that he puts in Frank’s mouth, and then lights one for himself. Then he starts talking.

“So I had an anxiety attack in a grocery store.”

“Okay.” Frank starts to say more, but Gerard puts a hand over his mouth.

“I’m going to tell the story. You just have to listen.” Frank nods and Gerard drops his hand. “It was about six months after my last relationship ended. We were pretty serious and I was still kind of a mess. So this would be like… four and a half years ago.” Frank knows he can’t talk, but Gerard didn’t say anything about touching, so he takes Gerard’s hand in his and holds it tightly. Gerard continues, “It was a weeknight, like around eight o’clock. I was really tired. I’d had a meeting in New York about the comic that day. This was before I had enough clout to demand phone conferences and get them.” 

Gerard shuffles and brings his leg up to lie on top of Frank’s. “The meeting had been fine, but I was just so tired. And I wanted a drink. I wanted one so badly. I’d been so nervous about the meeting and getting through it was such a relief. It was the kind of night where you go for a drink to help you relax. And it just seemed so unfair that normal people can just go and have a drink.” Gerard takes a drag off his cigarette. “I remember that I was specifically craving sangria that night. Like, I could taste it.” He pauses and scratches his knee. “I really just wanted to go home after that meeting and not be tempted, but there was no food in the house and I knew it. So, I had this cart full of food. I wasn’t looking forward to waiting in line and waiting for it all to get bagged up. I remember for some reason there were so many crabby people at the store that night. I kept seeing moms with kids who were tired and cranky. And it was winter, you know? So that always makes everyone feel like everything is just awful. You know, because you’re always so cold and you just can’t get warm?” 

Frank nods and waits a few seconds until Gerard continues. “So I was doing really badly, like the whole time. I was having trouble following my list of what I needed and I couldn’t decide what I wanted to get. I was just putting stuff in the cart, you know, like… I couldn’t make myself concentrate hard enough to choose between two different kinds of frozen pizza.” Gerard takes a final drag off his cigarette and stubs it out. “I felt like… I felt like I was looking at everything through some kind of gauzy film like… like maybe I wasn’t really even there. Like maybe it was just my body that was there, but Gerard was gone? I don’t really know how else to describe it.”

Gerard is silent for a few seconds. Remembering, Frank thinks. Frank squeezes his hand and he shakes himself and scoots back to sit up a bit more, bringing Frank up with him. “So I had almost everything on my list and I was in the pharmacy and all I still needed was toothpaste. I’d been out of toothpaste for like, weeks. I always forget to buy it because I’m not really good about brushing my teeth that often. I like… forget?” Gerard shifts again and Frank rubs his thumb on the top of his hand and hopes it’s soothing and not annoying. “So I was thinking about my teeth which made me think about Bert because of this fight that we’d had just a few weeks before we broke up. He was complaining because the only toothpaste I had at my house was expired. He started in on some rant about how my teeth were going to rot and fall out because I’m so gross and can’t remember to brush my fucking teeth often enough to use up all of the toothpaste before it expires.” 

Gerard puts his other hand on top of Frank’s. “So I was standing there, thinking about Bert and looking at this shelf with like, 600 different choices of toothpaste and I had to choose just one and I couldn’t do it. I thought about how I should get one for whitening because I smoke and drink so much coffee and so my teeth are really yellow, but I didn’t know if I needed something special for tartar control. And I didn’t know what brands were good. I thought maybe I should get something for sensitive teeth because sometimes sweet things make my teeth hurt. And that made me think that maybe the enamel is rotting off my teeth or something, like Bert said, because I don’t brush enough.” 

Gerard stops and takes several deep breaths. “So I was standing there staring at all the toothpaste, and I was sweating, and my heart was beating so fast, I thought… I thought for a few minutes that I was having a heart attack… and I just left.”

Gerard blows out a long, slow breath. “I left this whole cart full of food right there in the toothpaste aisle. I walked out to my car and called Mikey and told him he needed to come get me because I was too fucked up to drive. And he did. He came and took me home. And that was it. We went back for my car the next day.” Gerard lifts his chin up from Frank’s head and runs his fingers through his hair. “And that’s why I don’t go to grocery stores. It’s still hard enough trying to choose what I want to order online, but at least now I can have the anxiety attack in the safety and comfort of my own home.” 

They sit in silence until Frank realizes that he has tears on his cheeks. He untangles his hands from Gerard’s and brings them up to wipe his face. “Can I talk again?”

“Yes.”

Frank turns around to face Gerard and kneels up between his legs. “Who else knows about that?”

“No one. Just Mikey.”

He puts his arms around Gerard’s shoulders and sits up, bringing Gerard’s head in to rest against his collarbone. “I’m okay, now,” Gerard mumbles into his chest, bringing his arms around Frank’s back and pulling him in.

“I know. I just want to hold you.”

“Okay.”

Frank holds Gerard's head to his chest, stroking his hair gently, for as long as he can stand being up on his knees. Then he sinks back to sit on his heels and moves in close so that they're eye-to-eye. "You didn't have to tell me that," he says so softly it’s almost a whisper.

"I wanted you to know. I'm not-" Gerard looks down, "I'm not in the habit of airing all my shit to people, I just…" He tenses his shoulders and then relaxes them again before he looks back up. "I just need to know now if you can't handle my shit. I can't wait to find that out, because... because I'm just all messed up over you." Gerard has an almost desperate look in his eyes and it makes Frank's heart swell and ache.

Frank smiles and brings his hands up to either side of Gerard's face, thumbs stroking slowly down his cheeks. "I'm pretty messed up over you, too," he says, laughing wryly at himself. 

Frank feels like Gerard just metaphorically took all his clothes off and now he's naked in Frank's hands and he doesn't even seem afraid. That scares the shit out of Frank, but he's not going to freak out. He's _not_ going to freak out. He's going to kiss this beautiful man who's just bared his soul to him. 

When they kiss this time, it's like they’re communicating on some other level that only involves teeth and tongues. Frank is learning Gerard's taste now and his mouth seems to seek it without his brain's permission. Gerard has his arms wrapped around Frank’s middle, tugging him close. He bends Frank backwards, taking control of the kiss. Frank feels vulnerable and he doesn't know why. He isn't the one who just spilled his guts. But now Gerard is slowly lowering Frank down onto his back, moving away just enough to give Frank room to stretch his legs out and Frank forgets about feeling vulnerable because he doesn't want this to stop.

Gerard moves over Frank, stretching out over him and pushing his arms up over his head. He grasps Frank’s hands and holds them to the blanket-covered ground while settling his body atop Frank's. Burying his face in Frank's neck, he inhales deeply, as if he’s cataloging Frank's scent for future reference. Frank shivers as Gerard brings his mouth up to his ear, licking lightly around the outer shell. 

Then Gerard's mouth is back over Frank's. He lets go of Frank’s left wrist to bring his hand down to his waist. He snakes his hand up under Frank's shirt and plants it firmly on his belly for a few seconds before dragging it all the way up to his collarbone and then back down to his belt buckle. He leaves his hand to hover there for a moment as he breaks the kiss and whispers "okay?"

Frank nods and grunts, "Yes, okay. More than okay." 

Gerard smiles and starts working on Frank's belt, undoing his button and zip as he shifts his body down until his face is over Frank's belly.

"Oh," Frank moans in surprise. "Okay, that's okay, too."

Gerard laughs, burying his face in Frank's stomach and licking at his belly button before following the trail of hair down to his groin. He raises his head and pulls down Frank's underwear and pants. Frank lifts his hips up and kicks off his shoes so that Gerard can remove his pants and underwear completely. For a minute Frank feels silly lying outside on the roof in only his shirt and socks. He giggles nervously and wonders when he regressed to feeling like a fumbling teenager. His self-consciousness is short-lived, though, because the next thing he feels is Gerard's mouth, sucking on his hip, and all thoughts other than ‘yes, good’, and ‘please’ fly from his brain.

Gerard palms Frank's erection with his left hand and uses his right to hold Frank's hip down as he leaves hickeys all over his left hip-bone. Frank shivers and shudders, but he doesn't thrust up. He wants to let Gerard take his time. His self-control reminds him that he is definitely _not_ a teenager. His younger self would never have been able to keep still through this kind of sensory onslaught. The delicious, tingling sensations that Gerard's teeth are sending up his spine are almost more than he can take. 

After sucking for several long minutes, Gerard lifts his head up to smile up at Frank through his hair. Frank just stares back. Gerard's face is flushed, his eyes bright and intense, his lips red and puffy, and he hasn't even put his mouth on Frank's cock yet. 

"Okay?" he asks again.

Frank can't even stand it. He lets his head fall back, arching his neck. "Yes, yes it's okay. Anything, whatever you want to do, I don't care. Just keep touching me," Frank moans. He knows how wanton he sounds, but he really can't care at this point. He squeezes his eyes shut and just lets himself _feel_ because Gerard's mouth is finally on his dick. 

Gerard just licks at the tip for a minute, like it's a lollipop or a popsicle or something. Frank can't help it when his hips jerk up of their own accord, he's beyond holding back now. He hears Gerard laugh, low in his throat and Franks says, "Fucker" and reaches down to put his hand on Gerard's head lightly, urging him on. Gerard doesn't tease much longer. Frank looks down just in time to see his mouth slowly sinking over his shaft. Frank can't believe it as he watches him go down until he's taking almost all of him at once. It's hot and tight and wet and perfect. Gerard pulls all the way off and gasps for breath. He looks up into Frank's eyes and smiles wickedly before sinking back down again.

Gerard gets a rhythm going, his left hand aiding him in jerking Frank off. He reaches up to the hand that Frank still has on his head and intertwines their fingers, bringing their hands down to rest on Frank’s belly. Frank's just starting to get used to the rhythm when Gerard suddenly pulls all the way off. He lifts up Frank's cock and goes down to lick at his balls and Frank's whole body trembles. Gerard does this swirling thing with his tongue, sucks Frank's balls right into his mouth, and massages them with his tongue for what feels like an eternity.

The entire time that Gerard's mouth is doing this, he continues stroking Frank, his thumb running slowly and firmly up and down the vein on the underside. A high pitched noise that Frank has never heard before escapes his throat just as Gerard lets Frank's balls fall out of his mouth and gives them a few last licks before moving back to Frank's hard-on. Gerard sinks down again and doesn't mess around this time. He uses his hand more now so he can speed up his strokes, while still using his mouth to apply delicious wet, hot pressure on the tip. The rhythm becomes impossibly fast and it's not long before Frank is close. He squeezes Gerard's hand and whimpers, "Gee."

Gerard squeezes his hand back and doesn't lessen his strokes. He keeps his mouth on the end of Frank's dick like he's waiting. Frank’s eyes go wide as he realizes what Gerard means to do just as his whole body seizes up, muscles clenching, and he comes. He throws his head back, eyes shut tight as he spills his spunk right down Gerard's throat, feeling him swallow around his over-sensitized cock. 

Gerard pulls his mouth off, but continues to stroke Frank right through it until he’s totally spent. They’re still holding hands on Frank’s belly. Gerard moves his thumb around a little in the palm of his hand as he lays his head down on Frank's stomach. 

Frank's not really sure, but he thinks it takes a good two or three full minutes before he comes back to himself. He looks down at Gerard, seeing their hands still intertwined and pushes himself up onto his elbow. He tugs his hand free of Gerard's and reaches down to pull him up by his armpit, saying, "C'mere, c'mere," and doesn't stop pulling until he's got Gerard on top of him again. He grabs Gerard's face with both hands, smiles up at him and says, "Hi" before bringing their mouths together for a lazy kiss. 

Tasting himself in Gerard’s mouth is all the impetus Frank needs to break the kiss and start pushing Gerard up, saying, “Off, off” and “Where are my pants?” and “We need to get inside!” Gerard finds Frank’s pants and underwear and hands them to him. Frank pulls on his pants, but skips the underwear in favor of carrying it along with his shoes and the blanket in a big bundle in his arms. “Get the popcorn bag,” he directs Gerard and then he pushes him toward the stairs.

On the way down, Gerard asks, “Why are we in such a hurry?”

“Because!” Frank grinds out, exasperated. Once they get to Frank’s floor and are rushing down the hall, he says, “Because you just gave me what was inarguably one of the best blowjobs of my entire life and I have to reciprocate.” 

Frank unlocks his door in haste and pushes Gerard inside the apartment, blatantly ignoring the barking dogs and drops everything in his arms in a heap inside the door. He slams the door shut and grabs Gerard, shoving him up against it. “What I need right now is you naked in my bed.” Frank bites at Gerard’s neck and he gasps.

Gerard’s voice is high and tight as he says, “You don’t need to reciprocate.” 

Frank sucks on Gerard’s neck long enough to make what he is sure will be a brilliant hickey before pulling his mouth off and wiping his lips. “Oh believe me, this is not about need. This is _want_.” Frank fixes Gerard with the most seductive glare he can muster. “In fact, I don’t think there is any power in the universe strong enough to keep me from ripping your clothes off right now.”

Gerard cocks his head to the side, smirks and says, “Right now?” The sassy prick.

Frank narrows his eyes and grins wolfishly. “Right. Now.”

_  
Moonlight, be a friend tonight, we're all wrecked up on these dreams.  
Holding on a bit too tight, well, I've got splinters from these moonbeams.  
If it seems I'm falling down, if it seems we're falling through,  
Darling, you know that is nothing, you know that is nothing new._


	2. When I can, I will

**When I can, I will**

_  
Look at me with longing eyes and I will always know the score.  
Say the words I long to hear and I won’t need them anymore.  
And if this moment seems forever, well there are some things you don’t waste.  
If it’s a little bit of God then come in here and have a… come in here and have a taste._

When Gerard opens his eyes, all he knows for certain is that he's not in his own bed. The shafts of sunlight falling into his eyes are all wrong for any time of day in his room. He's pondering whether the guest room in Mikey's house ever gets sunlight like this when he shifts just enough to realize he's not alone. The arm he rubs against is hot and he turns to see tufts of black hair sticking out over the top of the comforter that's pulled up over Frank's face. 

It's Frank. 

Gerard is in Frank's bed because he spent the night. A creeping discomfort crawls up his spine because he can't remember if he ever actually _asked_ if he could sleep here. All he really remembers is Frank wiping down his stomach with a washcloth after he came on it for the second time. Then he woke up. 

Great, he thinks. Apparently not much has changed since Bert. He's still the asshole who falls asleep after sex and doesn't even cuddle. 

A sound like humming comes from someplace deep in Frank's throat and he turns onto his side, throwing his arm over Gerard, his hand landing softly on his chest. "Mmmm you're alive. I can feel your heart beating."

"Why wouldn't I be alive?"

Frank looks up at Gerard from where his head is rested on the pillow, his eyes blinking slowly, still shaking off the cloud of sleep. "I don't know why; that's why it's so terrifying."

Gerard looks at Frank quizzically. "What's so terrifying?"

"That fear, you know?" Gerard does not know. "The fear of waking up with a corpse."

Gerard slides his arm down under Frank's shoulders and pulls him closer. "You have a fear of waking up with a corpse?"

"Yup." Frank comes closer easily and invades Gerard's pillow, his head shuffling over right above Gerard's shoulder. "I've always had that fear. I had nightmares about it all the time when I was a kid." Gerard can feel Frank's breath on his shoulder as he speaks. "I don't really have the dreams anymore, but some days when I wake up and the dogs are lying so still, I just have to check to make sure they're breathing."

"Wow." Gerard looks down the bed to the three dogs lying at their feet. "I think they're all still alive." 

Frank follows Gerard's gaze and lifts his head. He kicks at the dogs a little bit. They shuffle around, making irritated noises. "Yup, all still alive." Frank plops his head back down on the pillow and looks at Gerard, his expression considering. "The only person who knows about that is the therapist I saw after my parents got divorced... So now we're even."

It takes Gerard a minute to understand what Frank means. "Oh, Frank.” It’s a few seconds before he continues. “It's not about being even."

"I know!" Frank interrupts him. "I didn't like, plan to tell you that or anything, it just came out, but it's good. Because I want you to know that I have some shit, too. Okay?"

Gerard nods. "Okay." 

Frank leans up and starts kissing Gerard’s jaw but then pulls back abruptly. "I never even told Leslie that… huh."

"Who's Leslie?"

"My ex-girlfriend."

"Oh." Girlfriend. Of course. Of course Frank dates girls. There's not really anything about him that shouts 'homosexual'. Gerard should have realized Frank would like girls, too. "Do you normally date girls?"

"Well." Frank starts kissing Gerard's jaw again and says quickly, "I normally date hot people."

Gerard laughs. "Oh man, I'm sorry I'm breaking your stride."

"Shut up!" Frank pushes against Gerard's shoulder. "You're the hot, naked guy in my bed. You're not allowed to be self-deprecating."

"I'm not?” Gerard raises his eyebrows, grinning. “Who says?"

"I do, because it's my bed and I say you're hot!" Frank's mock indignation is unreasonably adorable. Gerard brings his hands up to cup his face and pulls him in for a kiss.

When they break apart, Gerard says, his tone more serious, "I'm sorry I fell asleep so quickly last night." He strokes his thumb over Frank's bottom lip, feeling it catch on the scar where he used to have a lip-ring. "I hope it's okay that I slept over."

Frank smiles and bites at Gerard's thumb, then pulls back shaking his head. "First of all, don’t ever apologize for sleeping. Sleep is always allowed. And second, if I didn't want you to sleep over, I would have kicked you out." Frank pushes up on his elbow and waves his hand expansively. "And why on earth would I do that and deprive myself of the joy of waking up with a hot, naked, _alive_ , man in my bed?"

Some of Gerard's uncertainty runs out of him and he smiles, reaching up to grab Frank's arm and pull him back down for a kiss. 

"Mmmm," Frank hums into the kiss and pants, "Did I mention that you're hot? And naked?" Frank shifts so that he's straddling Gerard's leg and moves down the bed to get a hand on his rapidly developing hard-on.

Gerard feels Frank’s solid length poking into his thigh, the head already wet and sticky. "You're naked, too." 

Frank looks up from licking Gerard's left nipple and says cheekily, "So I am."

Gerard doesn't say any more actual words after that because Frank is swirling his tongue around his nipple, nipping it just enough to make Gerard shiver. At the same time, he's doing this thing with his hand, spreading precome all around the head of Gerard's dick and making a ring with his thumb and fingers and twisting just slightly. Sparks of electricity shoot up Gerard's spine and he jerks, a keening noise escaping the back of his throat. 

Frank starts moving his hips, humping into Gerard's leg as he sucks on his nipple. Gerard feels the weight on the bed shift as the dogs decide all once that now is a good time to leave. Frank takes his mouth off Gerard's chest and lifts his head up to laugh, his eyes sparkling as he looks up at Gerard and says, "They always seem to know when it's time to go."

The idea that the dogs understand the nature of what Frank and Gerard are doing is a bit disconcerting, but Frank doesn't seem bothered at all. He's still smiling up at Gerard and bringing his hand up to his face. "Hey? You with me?"

Gerard nods, nuzzling his face into Frank's hand. "Yeah, I'm here."

Frank squeezes Gerard's face just a little. "Good. Stay with me, okay?"

Gerard nods again and Frank's hand is gone. He shifts his body over, settling down between Gerard’s legs. He runs his fingers up and down Gerard’s thighs, pushing his hands up under his knees and moving them apart. With his mouth hovering over Gerard’s groin, he spits on his cock and strokes his hand up and down the slick shaft. Frank jerks Gerard off in a smooth rhythm, not too fast, and leans back to bring his other hand to his mouth. He stares straight at Gerard as he puts three fingers in, spitting on them and licking at them until they are covered and dripping. He reaches down under Gerard's balls and just rubs around his entrance, not quite pushing in. His other hand still stroking Gerard's cock, Frank taps his middle finger at his hole and looks up to ask in an almost-whisper, "Okay?" 

Gerard can't speak. He can't speak for fear he'll start proclaiming his undying love for Frank or something ridiculous like that. He nods his head vigorously, so that there can be no doubt as to his acquiescence. It's been so long since any fingers other than his own have touched him there and he wants it. He suddenly realizes he needs it like he needs air and he needs it to be Frank doing the touching. It couldn't be anyone else. 

Frank slides his finger in all the way in one long stroke. The intrusion is tight and uncomfortable, but it's also everything Gerard needs to feel right now. He lets his head fall back on the pillow and squeezes his eyes shut while Frank slowly fucks in and out of him with his finger. The third time in, Frank finds his prostate and Gerard's breath catches as he sees sparks exploding behind his eyelids.

He hears Frank laugh, a rumble deep in his chest that Gerard can feel vibrate on his knee. Frank knows he's found the sweet spot and he's hitting it again and again, each time he pulls his finger out and pushes it back in. After a few more strokes, Frank stops and pulls his finger all they way out. Gerard looks down to see him bring his hand up again and he sucks his fingers back into his mouth, looking up at Gerard as he swirls his tongue around the digits obscenely. Then his hand is back at Gerard's entrance and he's sliding in with two fingers this time, hitting Gerard's prostate right away. 

Gerard hears himself moaning like it's coming from someone else. His whole body is hot as if he's on fire and he can't get enough air. He feels Frank's mouth on his dick again and thinks he might explode. Frank licks around the head and then suckles slightly and hums before sinking down, not wasting any time setting an even up-and-down rhythm. He hollows out his cheeks and sucks _hard_ , his tongue firm on the underside and swirling around the tip each time he comes up. 

It isn't long before Frank increases his speed, not bringing his head up all the way, shortening his strokes to increase the tempo and using his hand to twist just so. His fingers are still working in and out of Gerard's ass, hitting the sweet spot each time and Gerard is coming undone. His whole body starts to shake and his cock jumps in Frank's mouth. A loud grunt is the only warning he's able to give. Frank seems to know, though, because he pulls his mouth off while his hand continues stroking. Gerard opens his eyes and sees Frank, his face hovering just above Gerard's dick. He opens his mouth and closes his eyes and then Gerard comes in long, hot spurts all over Frank's face. 

Gerard's spunk is everywhere. It's on Frank's cheeks and in his hair and his eyelashes and on his lips and his tongue- which is reaching out to lick at all the come around his mouth. Frank pulls his fingers out of Gerard's ass and brings them up to his face, using them to wipe the come of his cheeks and his forehead and bring it into his mouth. "Mmmm." 

Gerard can't breathe. He's going to spontaneously combust. This is the hottest thing he's ever seen. It's like Frank just performed his own private porno just for Gerard. "You look like porn."

Frank laughs, still licking come off his fingers. "Thanks, I guess."

"No, better than porn, because it's you. You're hotter than anybody in porn. C'mere." Gerard pulls Frank up and leans down to meet him for a messy kiss. It's weird to kiss someone who has your spunk all over his face. 

After a moment, Frank shifts and starts humping Gerard’s hip and he feels him reaching down to jerk himself off. Gerard moves his hand down to help. It doesn't take long, with the two of them stroking Frank together. Gerard brings his other hand down to grab Frank's ass as he thrusts against Gerard's side and in a minute, Frank is coming. He gasps and shudders as he spills all over Gerard's hip and they both keep stroking together until Frank stops and runs his fingers through the spunk. He brings his hand up to Gerard's mouth and presses it in, not even asking; Gerard takes it gladly, letting his tongue twine around Frank's tattooed digits, all covered in come. 

After Frank pulls his fingers out of Gerard's mouth, he sits up and grins. "Hey,” he says, running his hands up and down Gerard's arms a few times. "We have pretty hot sex, huh?" Gerard grins back, shaking his head. He's not sure exactly how Frank is even real. He runs his fingernails over Frank's thigh, until goose bumps appear on his flesh and he shivers. Frank covers his hand after a minute to still it. Looking the two of them up and down, thoughtfully, he says, "We definitely need to shower. We're really dirty." He backs up off the bed and starts pulling Gerard up with him.

Gerard isn’t sure he likes this idea. "Dirty sex is the best kind, though,” he counters.

"You'll get no argument from me on that, but when the sex is done, we shower," Frank says over his shoulder as he drags Gerard toward the bathroom.

"Why does it have to be 'we'?" Gerard stops stubbornly in the bathroom doorway, hands clinging to the outside of the doorframe. 

Frank turns around and pins him with an authoritative glare. "It's 'we' because that's what we do. I've decided. You're just going to have to be okay with that." His words leave no room for argument. 

Gerard considers Frank's words and all of their terrifying and thrilling implications before finally admitting defeat. He drops his shoulders, letting Frank take his hands to lead him into the shower and says, "Okay."

The shower is actually kind of nice. But Gerard will never admit that.

*_*_*

The problem, Gerard thinks, is that Frank is just too perfect. Gerard has no memory of _ever_ thinking that Bert was perfect. Bert was always fucked up and that was _okay_ because Gerard always knew that in his own way, Bert was just as fucked up as he was.

Frank is not fucked up. Frank is sweet and honest and smart and _good_. And for some reason he keeps looking at Gerard as if he is a drink of water and Frank’s been in the desert all day. And he keeps _doing_ it, like he’s longing to touch him every moment, as if he can’t stand to not have physical contact with Gerard all the time. It doesn’t seem to matter how much they touch, Frank is just insatiable. 

He’s doing it right now, looking up at Gerard as he munches on his cereal, his shit-eating grin and haughty eyes peering at him over the spoon. It’s maddening and makes Gerard want to eat him alive. No one should be allowed to be so fucking adorable!

“Will you stop that?!” Gerard snaps.

“Stop what?” Frank feigns innocence.

“Looking at me like that!”

Frank curls his lips in over each other as if he’s trying hard not to laugh. “I’m sorry, I can’t help it! You’re just too cute!” He puts his spoon down. “You’re all grumpy from the shower still and your hair is all messy and dripping and you keep scowling. You’re like an angry wet cat.”

Gerard is not amused at this assessment. “You’re mean,” he says sulkily.

“There, there.” Frank pats Gerard’s hand on the table, in a placating manner. “Your coffee will be ready soon.”

Gerard doesn’t say anything- just takes another bite of his toast and chews angrily. Frank continues grinning and says, around a mouthful of cereal, “You even chew cute.”

Gerard groans and Frank laughs. When the coffee maker beeps that it’s done, Gerard can’t get over to the counter fast enough to pour a cup. The first sip is like heaven and he takes a moment to stand with the cup up under his chin, closing his eyes and just enjoying the steam and the smell. “Mmmmm.”

“I didn’t know there was going to be coffee porn.”

Gerard doesn’t take the bait. He’s beginning to get used to Frank’s teasing. He just cuddles his mug for a few more seconds before taking another sip, opening his eyes, and going back to sit down at the table. 

Frank is more subdued now, his voice low when he says, “I only tease you because I like you so much.”

That. Those words. That stops Gerard’s heart. Because Gerard can tell by his tone and his earnest expression that Frank is giving something up. He’s putting something out there, something that he probably doesn’t do for a lot of people. 

Gerard decides that Frank can grin at him like a goon all he wants. He massages the back of Frank’s hand where it’s lying on the table, his fingernails slowly sliding over the half heart and the word ‘romantic’. “I know,” he says solemnly. “I know.” 

\+ *_*_* +

Frank thinks that maybe things with Gerard are moving a little bit too fast. 

He wants to make the thought go away. He runs and hides from it, but he can’t shake the sick sense of foreboding that’s been creeping under his skin for the last couple of days. 

They’ve exchanged a few silly text messages, but Frank hasn’t seen Gerard since he left shortly after their late breakfast on Sunday. He wished they could have spent the day together, but Frank had to work in the afternoon. So after a sweet, coffee and cereal flavored make-out session against the kitchen counter, Gerard said goodbye. 

It’s only been two days since then, but to Frank it feels like years. That’s what’s bothering him, if he’s honest with himself. They’ve only just started dating, but Frank feels like they’re lovers who’ve been together for decades. It isn’t right to fall for someone that quickly. Or at least, Frank never has before, so he _thinks_ that it isn’t right. But maybe he’s wrong. He tries to tell himself he’s wrong, that people have fairy tale romances in real life just like in the movies; maybe Gerard is his fairy tale romance, come to life. 

He’s doing the over thinking instead of enjoying thing again and he hates himself for it. He’s pretty sure he did this almost constantly near the end of his relationship with Leslie. That was probably a good thing though, because he’s pretty convinced that Leslie was not someone he would have been happy with forever, although he’s still not exactly sure why. So maybe he should listen to the apprehensive voice in the back of his head now.

The problem now though, is that in his heart, where all of his overwhelming _feelings_ come from, he disagrees vehemently with the voice in the back of his head. If Gerard is not someone that he can be happy with forever, then he doesn’t know who is. But that thought scares the shit out of him, because he’s only known Gerard for a few weeks. It’s too soon to think that he could be happy with him forever. Isn’t it?

So Frank is maybe freaking out a little bit. Only he’s not, because he can’t. He said he wouldn’t, because he can’t do that to Gerard. Frank tells himself all morning that he’s not freaking out. He’s only being careful with his emotions. That’s all. But he’s definitely not freaking out. 

Frank is still repeating ‘not freaking out’ in his head when he hears the bell for the front door ring a few minutes before his lunch break. He looks up from where he’s sweeping the kennel to see Gerard walk through the door from the office. He’s holding a bag of what looks like fast-food and his sketchpad. 

He waves and walks toward Frank. He’s smiling widely by the time they are standing face-to-face, a few feet apart. “Hi!”

“Hi.” Frank feels uncomfortable and he has no idea why.

Gerard holds up the bag and says sheepishly, “Surprise?” He seems unsure of himself, looking down at the floor for a minute, then back up again. “I hope it’s okay that I came by.”

Frank smiles and tries to relax a bit. “Yeah, it’s totally fine, I just wasn’t expecting it.”

Gerard rocks up on his heels and smirks. “Well, that’s the point of a surprise, isn’t it?”

“I guess so.” Frank laughs, anxiously.

“So, I brought you lunch? And I remember you saying you sit outside and eat with the dogs sometimes and so I thought I might join you?”

Frank is a loss for a moment. No one’s ever surprised him with lunch at work before. Finally, he says, “That sounds great. I just need to finish sweeping up.” 

“Oh, of course.” Gerard backs up awkwardly to get out of Frank’s way and Frank immediately feels silly that he’s acting kind of weird right now. 

Frank doesn’t know if they’re at the point of kiss greetings in public yet. But he really just sort of wants a kiss, and Gerard is looking so unsure that Frank can’t help himself when he says, “Hey” and grabs Gerard’s elbow to pull him in for a short close-mouthed kiss. Gerard smiles when he lets go and suddenly Frank feels a whoosh of tension escaping his chest. This is Gerard. Frank likes Gerard. They are dating and that’s good. That’s fine. Frank is not freaking out. Not. At. All. 

They sit out in the dog yard under Frank’s oak tree and eat the lunch Gerard bought for them. Gerard asks, “Did you bring lunch today? I’d feel bad if it spoiled because I surprised you with this.”

“I did bring one, but it’ll be fine for tomorrow,” Frank reassures him.

Gerard looks relieved, “Oh, okay good.”

Lunch is Taco Bell. Gerard got Frank a Taco Salad with no meat or cheese and two Seven Layer Burritos with no cheese or sour cream. It’s way more food than Frank can eat, but he doesn’t say anything. Gerard’s still fidgeting nervously as he takes everything out of the bag. “I hope Taco Bell is okay. These are the two things on the menu that I knew I could get without any meat or dairy.” 

“This is great,” Frank assures him. He’s curious, though, so he asks, “So hey, I thought you didn’t really do public places, but you went to Taco Bell?”

Gerard shrugs his shoulders and drops his chin. Frank is beginning to recognize this as his ‘awkward turtle’ routine. “Drive thru.” He gestures with his arm as he continues. “Drive thrus are okay if it’s someplace I go a lot and I know exactly what I want. I was a little nervous about the special order, but they got it right. I went to the one right by my house. They almost never mess up orders there.”

Frank nods. “Ah, okay. That makes sense.” They eat and Frank just enjoys being outside, sitting in the grass on a late summer day. There’s a slight breeze and Frank becomes mesmerized by the way the wind blows Gerard’s hair around his eyes. He keeps trying to push it back off his face, but it doesn’t stay. Gerard notices him watching and smiles.

A thought occurs to Frank. “So what’s the occasion anyway?” he asks. “You left your house again after only two days.”

“I did.” Gerard nods. “Mainly, I just really wanted to see you. I have a mock-up for the next issue due at the end of the week. So, I’m going to be really busy finishing that up over the next few days and won’t be able to come over.” He nods toward the food. “I thought I’d surprise you with lunch today and hopefully this visit will be enough to tide me over until the weekend when I’ll have more time for you.”

Frank isn’t sure how to respond to this information. It was important enough to Gerard to see him again that he left his house after only two days _and_ brought him lunch. “Thank you. I feel like I should say more, but I don’t know what. I appreciate the food and-” he waves a hand toward Gerard, “the company.”

Gerard does the awkward turtle thing again and grabs at Frank’s hand where it’s waving and just holds it for a minute before suddenly sitting up straighter. “Oh! I almost forgot. I brought you something!” He starts turning through the pages in his sketchpad. “I stuck it in here. These girls came by the house yesterday selling car magnets to raise money for their soccer team and they had one that right away made me think of you.”

Gerard hands it to Frank. It’s in the shape of a paw print and says _Real men are kind to animals_. “I love it!” Frank exclaims, happily. He really does love it. “I’ll put it on my car today!”

Gerard grins and looks down sheepishly. “I’m glad. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to get it for you.”

Frank suddenly feels that Gerard _gets_ him. It’s been a long time since he’s met someone who seemed to understand him so easily right away. He puts a finger under Gerard’s chin, lifting his head up, and leans in for a kiss. It’s nothing too deep or obscene, considering anyone could see them out here, just a little bit of tongue. But it’s nice. It’s familiar and reassuring, and it makes Frank feel calmer than he has all day. 

When they part, they just smile at each other for a moment. Gerard cocks his head to the side, his brows pulling together questioningly. “Why are we so intense, Frank?”

“I don’t know.” Frank shakes his head. “But I don’t think it’s wrong.”

Gerard sighs and straightens up. “I don’t think so, either.”

*_*_*

_The dream is different this time. It’s been years since he’s had one, but he still remembers them vividly and this one is different. All the other dreams were terrifying because when he first ‘woke up’ in the dream, he thought the person with him was only sleeping, just sleeping very soundly and still. Then he would try to wake them, but they wouldn’t wake up and he’d realize they had no pulse and weren’t breathing and that’s how he would know they were dead._

_This time, he ‘wakes up’ and looks over at Gerard and knows immediately that he’s dead. His eyes are wide open- staring straight at Frank, and his mouth is open- like he’s asking a question. Frank is so sure in the dream that Gerard had been saying “why?” before whatever it was that killed him stopped his heart and his breath. And Frank doesn’t even try to rouse him because it’s obviously too late. Obviously something killed him during the night and Frank slept right through it, not even waking to try and save him. Or maybe Frank had been awake for the killing? Maybe it was Frank who killed Gerard?_

The second Frank opens his eyes, he knows he was dreaming. “It wasn’t real,” he says out loud to himself. When he sits up, he feels the dogs all shifting around him, all alive. It’s still dark outside. Moonbeams are cutting bright swaths across the room and landing in shafts atop his covers. “It was a dream,” he tells himself again and gets up. 

He’s freezing. He knows it isn’t that cold in his apartment, but he’s shivering. So he goes into the bathroom and gets in a hot shower, scrubbing over his face with his wet hands while he tries to remember the dream. Gerard had been dressed. He wasn’t naked like he would have been if he’d spent the night with Frank. Frank remembers touching Gerard’s body in the dream and it was cold, as if rigormortis had set in already, as if Gerard had been dead for a long time. Frank’s stomach lurches and he has to get out of the shower to throw up in the toilet. 

Once he’s completely emptied his stomach, he brushes his teeth before going back to bed, leaving the bathroom light on. He has no desire to be in total darkness again. He only lay in bed for about ten minutes before deciding he isn’t going to be able to sleep anymore tonight. Turning on the TV, he finds Mary Tyler Moore reruns on TV Land. He turns the volume low and attempts to distract himself by reading a volume of _The Invisibles_ until morning. He keeps his mind as blank and neutral as possible and doesn’t absorb much at all of what he reads.

At some point, he falls back into an uneasy, restless sleep and is surprised when his alarm goes off and wakes him. He feels sort of like a zombie as he goes through his morning routine, dressing and getting ready for work. Just before he leaves, he decides it’s not too early to go ahead and text Gerard. 

_had a weird dream last night. Don’t want 2 freak u out. Just want 2 make sure ur ok. Pls reply when u get a chance._

Frank knows it’s silly. He really does. He knows Gerard is fine. But he can’t help himself. He just needs this confirmation. It’s mid morning before Gerard replies.

_Sorry, I just woke up. I’m fine. Are you okay?_

Frank texts back that he’s fine and tries to put the whole thing out of his head.

But he can’t. 

*_*_* 

Gerard texts him again the next afternoon.

_Are you sure you’re okay?_

Frank texts back right away without giving it much thought.

_I’m fine._

Except that he’s not fine. 

He needs to get his mind off the dream. He was distracted and agitated all through band practice Wednesday night and had a terrible time trying to sleep. He’s exhausted by Thursday evening, but has no desire to rush to bed. He’s never really been afraid of bad dreams before. Right now, though, it feels more like he’s afraid to be alone with his thoughts.

He calls Ray right after work and gets himself invited over for dinner. Christa made spaghetti with her homemade vegetable marinara sauce and there’s apparently much more than she and Ray can eat by themselves.

It’s nice being with Ray and Christa, comfortable. They fit together so well and just seem so sure of each other. There’s no doubt that they are a pair. Frank wants to know what that feels like. What it feels like to be completely in love with someone and not feel anxious about it. It seems like in the past whenever he’s felt comfortable with someone, he was pretty sure he wasn’t in love with them. And now that he’s having what seem a lot like love feelings, it’s like he can’t get grounded. He can’t get his feet down somewhere in the relationship that feels stable. It always feels like he’s stepped on a loose stone that’s about to come free if he doesn’t keep moving.

The spaghetti is delicious. And there’s salad and garlic bread, too. Frank is in heaven. He’s fairly certain that he’s crashed what was supposed to be a romantic ‘couple’ dinner. “This is _so_ good, Christa,” he gushes after he finishes his second plateful, trying to curtail his guilt feelings.

“I’m so glad you like it!” Christa’s bubbly mood is infectious, helping Frank feel less anxious about everything. She continues, “I keep telling Ray that we need to have you over for something other than pizza and Xbox more often.”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with pizza and Xbox.” Ray pipes in.

“Oh, of course not.” Christa laughs. 

Frank laughs too and feels the most relaxed he’s been since the dream. Dinner with Ray and Christa is reassuring. It’s normal. It’s not crazy, like thinking he’s falling in love with someone he’s just barely started getting to know. 

“So, Frank, Ray tells me that you’ve been dating someone?”

Frank nods.

“So?” Christa knocks the back of his hand in a reprimanding gesture. “Tell us about him.”

“Well, Ray already knows a lot about him.” Frank shrugs and takes a final sip from his nearly empty wineglass. Yes, wine. Christa insisted that Frank counted as ‘company’ and so they had an excuse to open a bottle of wine. “His name’s Gerard. He’s an artist and he writes comic books.”

“Okay, what else?” Christa asks excitedly.

Frank looks to Ray for help, but he doesn’t offer any. “Ummm, we had a date on Saturday night that was really great. I really like him a lot.”

“Yeah? That’s wonderful. What did you guys do?”

Frank almost wants to say ‘we had sex on the roof’ just to see if that would put Christa off enough to quell her curiosity, but he’s not a douchebag. Instead, he says, “I made him chili.”

“Oh, that’s great! Your chili is really the best I’ve ever had.”

Frank can’t help but smile at her enthusiasm. “You’re exaggerating, but thank you.”

“I’m not, either.” Christa clears the plates from the table and carries them to the sink. When she comes back, she has a plate of cookies for dessert. “I started a pot of coffee, too. Decaf, of course.”

Ray rolls his eyes fondly and snorts. “Of course.”

“I bet Gerard just loved your chili,” Christa gushes.

Frank shrugs, eyeing the plate of cookies. “He seemed to like it. He had two bowls of it. I don’t think he’s a very picky eater.”

Frank digs around the cookie plate to find all the chocolate ones because they’re his favorite and watches Ray and Christa have a long conversation entirely with their eyes and eyebrows. The cookies are quite good and Frank just eats them and waits for his hosts to finish their little psychic talk. Finally Christa says, “So, Frank, I have to ask.” She puts her hand over his for a moment. “What’s the problem?”

Frank raises his eyebrows and swallows. “What’s the problem with what?”

“What’s the problem with Gerard?”

“There is no problem with Gerard.”

Christa sighs and looks at Ray, making a sweeping gesture with her arm towards Frank. Ray says, “Frank, last week you were going crazy over this guy, tonight you just seem so much more…” Ray waves his arm, “subdued. Did something happen?” 

Frank sighs and rubs his face. “No, nothing happened.”

Ray turns his head to the side like he’s thinking. Christa gets up to get the coffee that’s just finished perking. After a minute Ray says, “Well, have you seen him since Saturday?”

“Sunday,” Frank corrects him.

“What?”

“He didn’t leave until Sunday and yes, I saw him on Tuesday. He surprised me at work.” Frank can’t help the little smile that starts to form as he answers. “He brought me lunch.”

“That’s so sweet!” Christa exclaims as she brings the coffee pot and three mugs over to the table. “He must really like you!”

Frank runs his hand through his hair and tugs at it. “Yeah, he does.”

Christa’s face falls. “Oh.” 

“What?” Frank asks. 

Christa just shrugs and looks at Ray who says, “You’re freaking out, Frankie.”

“I’m not!” Frank whines, but from the looks on both their faces, he realizes it’s no use denying it. “Okay, maybe I am. Maybe a little.”

Ray turns deadly serious, shaking his head. “Don’t do it, Frankie.”

“Don’t you think if I knew how to turn it off, I fucking would!” Frank yells. He stops and takes a deep breath when he sees the alarmed look on Christa’s face. “I really don’t want to be _this_ guy.”

Christa sets a mug of coffee down in front of him and gently wraps his fingers around it. “So don’t,” she says gently.

“It’s not that simple.” Frank takes a sip of his coffee. 

“It actually is, sweetie.” Christa pats his wrist a few times. “It’s up to you, you know? You can decide how you act. I know you can’t always control your feelings, but you decide what you do about them.”

Frank closes his eyes and leans his head on his fist on the table. “I know all of this. It all sounds fine in theory.”

Christa pats Frank’s hair for a few minutes. “You really like Gerard?”

Frank sighs. “I really do.”

“But you’re scared.”

“I’m fucking terrified.”

Christa looks thoughtful as she asks, “What is it that you’re so afraid of?”

It’s silent for a few moments before Frank finally picks his head up and says miserably, “I don’t fucking know.”

Christa nods. “That’s the real issue then. You don’t know what’s stopping you, other than the fact that it’s fear.” She pauses, thinking. “Figure out what it is that you’re so afraid of and then you can start figuring out what to do about it without being a jerk to Gerard.”

Frank shakes his head. “But what if I can’t figure it out?” Frank speeds up his words, anxiously. “I mean, what if I just don’t know what it is? What if it’s nothing?”

“Well, it’s obviously not nothing.” She pats his cheek. “Or you wouldn’t be so bothered. As for figuring out what it is, you already know. You just haven’t admitted it to yourself yet.” Christa is quiet for a few seconds, choosing her words. “You just need to some quiet and time to just not think. It’ll come to you.”

“You seem awfully certain.” Frank’s not convinced. 

Christa smiles. “I’m certain, Frankie. You’re a good guy, you can work this out.” She pats his cheek again. “You want to be happy. You just have to figure out what it is that’s stopping you.”

“I’m already happy, though. I really like my life,” Frank says, emphatically.

“Oh, I know you do! But, don’t you think that you might be even happier if Gerard was a permanent part of it?”

Frank considers this for a moment while swirling a spoon around in what’s left in his cup. “Yeah, probably.”

“Then it’s worth it to work out your issues so you can be with him, right?”

“Yeah.” Frank lifts his mug up and drains the rest of the coffee. When he’s finished, he says, “Yeah, it’s worth it. Gerard’s worth it.”

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard spends the rest of the week working almost constantly and makes a valiant effort to not obsess over Frank. It’s nearly impossible. 

He loves his work and he’s really excited about what he’s doing for the next issue, but it’s making him crazy to go all week without seeing Frank. He knows it’s silly. He went five years dating almost no one and suddenly all he wants is to be with another person. It’s an entirely new feeling, but it’s wonderful at the same time. It’s just throwing him off his stride a bit. He’s used to not having anything distracting him from his work. He’s used to his art being his top priority. Everything else in the world is meant to pale in comparison. 

He supposes he was like this to some degree even while he was dating Bert. Bert used to complain about playing second fiddle to Gerard’s art. Gerard always suspected that Bert was maybe a little bit jealous of all the time he’d spend alone painting and drawing, and how refreshed and happy he’d feel when he was finished with a project. Bert never really seemed to understand how important it is to Gerard to _create_. And that’s really saying something, considering that Bert’s a musician. They just approached their respective art forms differently.

For Bert, music was a release, the chance to get something out of his system. Gerard totally gets that. But what Bert could never appreciate is how amazing Gerard feels when he’s _creating_ something, inventing something new that didn’t exist before. Bert never really seemed to feel that way about his music. And as much as Bert needed his music to survive, to be happy, he couldn’t accept that Gerard needs his art in the same way. Ultimately, it was that attitude that brought the relationship to an end. 

Gerard really hopes that Frank can be understanding about his work. He didn’t seem upset on Tuesday when Gerard told him he couldn’t see him the rest of the week, so Gerard figures that’s a good sign. 

Friday morning is clear and bright with sunlight streaming through the skylights of Gerard’s front studio. He stands and stares at the mock-ups of the next issue- almost finished- while he drinks his coffee. He only slept for a few hours, but he’s really excited about this issue and the adrenaline seems to be seeing him through as he finishes it up. He’s already arranged for a courier to come and pick up the completed panels tonight and deliver them to his publisher’s offices in New York. Additionally, he needs to take high definition digital pictures of each panel and email them by midnight tonight, so his editor and publishers can look over them this weekend and be ready to discuss them in a video conference on Monday morning. 

Midnight tonight is the finish line. Gerard goes to refill his coffee mug and realizes that he never did make firm plans with Frank for the weekend. He pulls out his phone and texts him.

_The deadline is tonight at midnight and then I’m free! Want to get together tomorrow? I could come over._

Gerard knows that it somehow isn’t quite right to invite yourself over to someone’s house, but he doesn’t think Frank’s the type to get too hung up on etiquette. Besides, Gerard really likes Frank’s house, and as much as he never thought he’d feel this way, he likes having the excuse to go out. 

On both Sunday and Tuesday, he used already being out to see Frank as an excuse to drop by Mikey and Alicia’s house and visit Pebbles. It was really nice, both times. He’s always felt comfortable at their house and wonders why it had to take them getting a dog for him realize that he actually _likes_ going there and that he really _enjoys_ spending time with them.

Gerard is shaken out of his reverie when his phone buzzes with a text from Frank.

_can’t 2morrow, going 2 beach w/ Ray & his girl, ur welcome 2 come w/ us._

Gerard knows he shouldn’t feel as disappointed as he does. He knows it’s really quite unreasonable. He didn’t officially make plans with Frank when they were together on Tuesday. Obviously, he should have made a proper date. He shouldn’t assume that Frank doesn’t have other friends who want to hang out with him. He’s an awesome guy. Of course he has other offers for his time.

Gerard also knows that it’s probably silly for him to be a little bit _worried_ about Frank. He never did find out what his dream was about, but it must have been pretty bad for him to text Gerard to ask if he’s okay. 

Sundays are not ideal for getting together, because there’s the issue of needing to get up for work the next morning, but Gerard will take what he can get so long as it means spending time with Frank. He tries again.

_What about Sunday?_

Gerard sets his coffee mug and phone aside. He goes back to work on the comic, trying to put the text message conversation out of his mind for a little while. He gets lost in the world of his characters, the quirky adopted brothers and sisters are saving the world yet again. This time it has to do with the leaning tower of Pisa and mummified aliens living in the Egyptian pyramids. It’s almost an hour before he checks his phone and finds Frank’s reply.

_I have a show at night but u cld come over 4 brunch, around 11?_

Another show. Wow. It seems like Frank’s band has a show every weekend. Well, that’s fine. Gerard can handle that. That’s Frank’s art, it’s important to him. And obviously Frank is willing to make time for Gerard since he invited him for brunch, so it’s fine. It’s totally fine. Gerard texts back.

_Sounds great! See you then!_

Except that Gerard doesn’t feel like it’s fine and he can’t put his finger on why. 

\+ *_*_* +

Okay, so Frank doesn’t actually agree to go to the beach with Ray and Christa until after Gerard texts him to see if he’s free on Saturday. He’s not being a jerk, though, because they had already invited him, he just hadn’t agreed yet. But as soon as he starts thinking about seeing Gerard on Saturday, he starts to panic. He has no idea why, but he knows he doesn’t want to see Gerard again yet. It’s silly. He knows he’s being silly. He just needs more time. One more day. He hopes one more day is enough when he suggests brunch on Sunday. He could have said Sunday was out. He could have lied and said the show is far away or early and they have an early sound check, but he somehow just can’t bring himself to flat out _lie_ to Gerard. 

_Gerard doesn’t do ‘messing around’._

Right now Mikey’s words are stuck on repeat in Frank’s head. So he is not going to mess around. He’s going to figure out what his problem is and he’s going to be honest with Gerard about it. He’s almost 35 years old. He is more than capable of acting like an adult in a relationship. 

Saturday turns out to not be the greatest day for the beach. They decide to go anyway since it’ll be less crowded and it’s not actually raining. It’s overcast and cool and windy, but the beach is still beautiful. As soon as Frank gets out of the car and smells the salty air he’s glad he decided to come. He was surprised when he realized he hadn’t been to the ocean at all yet this summer. It’s also a good excuse to get the dogs out of the house for a day for some exercise. They love the beach. They don’t really swim much, but they like to play chase with the waves. It’s pretty cute.

Once the three of them choose a spot and spread their blankets out, Frank walks the dogs down to the water. They’ve been pulling toward the shoreline since Frank let them out of the car. He watches them run after the foamy, swirling water and bark at the waves and he feels happy, calm. He looks out at the big grey clouds on the horizon and wonders what Gerard is doing today. He hopes he wasn’t too bothered by not hanging out today. He wishes Gerard was here. 

Frank walks the dogs back to the blanket and ties their leashes around a beach chair. Lying down on the blanket on his back, he stares up at the grey sky and actually ends up falling asleep for a while, just listening to the sound of the waves crashing and children playing and laughing. The sounds are nice, they soothe him. He falls asleep and he dreams.

_It’s one of those dreams where you know it’s a dream. Frank often knows when he’s dreaming, but in this one he feels he can control the dream, somehow. He’s sitting on his bench in the park, watching the dogs run and play off their leashes. It must be the middle of the night because the neighborhood is dead silent and dark. The moon is high overhead, illuminating the whole park. Dream Frank wishes Gerard was there. When he turns, Gerard is sitting next to him._

_Gerard looks at him, his face blank, but not unhappy. “I was looking for you.” His voice sounds eerie and hollow, like it’s coming from far away._

_Dream Frank is not scared, though, he’s completely serene and peaceful. Real life Frank rarely feels like that. “I needed to think,” he tells dream Gerard._

_“This seems like a good place to think.”_

_“It is.”_

_It’s silent as they both watch the dogs run around until Gerard asks, “So did you think of anything?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“You said you needed to think. What have you thought of?”_

_Dream Frank doesn’t know what to say, so he answers, “I’ve thought of you.” Real life Frank would rarely say anything so transparent._

_“And what did you think of, when you thought of me?”_

_“I can’t mess around with you. I can’t freak out.”_

_“How come?”_

_“Mikey said-”_

_Dream Gerard interrupts him. “Mikey? What does Mikey know?”_

_“He loves you.”_

_“Of course he does.” Gerard turns to face Frank and pulls his hands into his lap. “He doesn’t know everything, though. No one does. No one knows everything about me. No one knows everything about you, not even your closest friends. We’re all just making educated guesses, really, using context clues to figure each other out.” Dream Gerard pauses, considering. “Sometimes we’re wrong.”_

_Dream Frank squeezes Gerard’s hands. His skin feels cold. “I want to figure you out.”_

_“It can’t be done. You can know a lot, but our minds are never naked, never truly transparent, even to ourselves. You can’t figure me out. You can’t even figure yourself out.”_

_“I’m going to hurt you.”_

_“You might.” Dream Gerard nods sagely._

_“I don’t want to.” Frank feels like dream Gerard is fading, becoming translucent._

_“You can’t control everything, Frank.”_

_Frank can see what’s on the other side of Gerard now; when he squeezes his hands, he can hardly feel them anymore. “I don’t want to control everything, just this.”_

_“You can’t, you have to let it happen.”_

_Gerard is almost totally gone now. Frank doesn’t want him to leave, but he can’t control the dream anymore. “Wait, I don’t want to hurt you!”_

_Frank can’t see Gerard anymore, but he hears his voice. “I’m stronger than Mikey knows. I’m stronger than I know. I won’t break.”_

_“How can you know that?” Frank cries, but it’s too late. Gerard has gone._

_Frank turns to look at the dogs, but they’re no longer running in the field, they are up on the bench, licking at his face._

The dogs are standing over him on the blanket, licking at his face. Frank hears Christa laughing at them. “Leave him alone. Let him sleep,” she says.

Frank is awake. He slowly sits up, shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair. 

“You okay, man?” Ray asks, patting him on his back. 

Frank rubs his face. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just had a weird dream.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Christa asks, gently.

“No, I’m fine.” Frank stretches his arms out and pets the dogs. He notices Ray and Christa’s concerned faces. “I’m totally fine, really!”

“Okay.” Ray puts his hands up like he’s surrendering. “We were thinking about walking over to the pier to get some pizza for lunch. You wanna come?”

“No, I’m good. I think I’ll just stay with the dogs.”

“Okay, we’ll bring you back a slice if we can get them to make it without cheese.”

“Good luck with that.” Frank reaches for his cigarettes in his pants pocket, pulls one out and lights it. He takes a deep breath and holds it in as he watches Ray and Christa walk down the beach toward the pier.

The air is warmer now and the sun is making a valiant effort to peek through the clouds. The dogs are milling around. They’re antsy, wanting to get back to the water. Once Frank finishes his cigarette, he strips down to his swim shorts and walks the dogs up to the shoreline. He doesn’t wade in too deep since the dogs can’t go that deep, but the water feels really good. The foam swirls around his legs and when the waves crash, the spray comes up and hits his belly and chest and it feels cold, but nice. Refreshing. He feels clean.

Somehow, he feels it has something to do with the dream. He thinks back, trying to remember. He always tries to remember his dreams. He’s not sure why. He knows not everyone does this. A lot of people just try to block thoughts of unsettling dreams from their minds. But for Frank it’s like some kind of morbid curiosity, a puzzle he wants to solve. Also, he knows that dreams come from your own mind and mostly, he just wants to understand what his mind is trying to tell him.

Gerard said so many things in the dream. Frank’s head is swimming trying to make sense of them all. Oh… wait. But that’s one of the things that Gerard said, isn’t it? Frank can’t figure him out. Frank’s always had this restless need to _understand_ everything. Even when he was a kid, he remembers his mother asking him, “Why do you have to question everything, Frankie? Why can’t you just be still?”

Why can’t he just be still? He tries it now. He plants his feet in the sand and feels them sinking down as the waves wash over his knees. He looks up at the sky, where the sun is still trying to break through and he closes his eyes. He breathes deeply. And he is still. He thinks about nothing, only the sound of the waves and the music he thinks he can hear in the current and intermingled with the voices of the seagulls. He is calm.

Frank has no idea how long he stands like this. He snaps out of it when the dogs get excited about something. They’re running around him, wrapping their leashes around his legs and barking. Frank hears Christa calling out to him. 

He reluctantly opens his eyes and turns around to find Christa just a few feet away in her swimsuit, shivering as she adjusts to the cold temperature of the water. “We were able to get cheeseless pizza for you. Ray has it on the blanket.” She wraps her arms around herself and trembles. “I’m going to get in the water if it kills me. I love the ocean. I don’t get to come here as often as I like.” She determinedly stalks forward into the water until she’s waist-deep, then drops down and pulls her head under. Her head comes back up, but she stays under up to her shoulders for a few seconds. When she pops back up, she turns around to smile and wave at Frank. Frank laughs and waves back before he heads back up the beach to their blanket for his pizza.

The pizza isn’t bad, aside from the sandy texture. Frank eats all of it. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was. When he’s finished, he sits back to stare at the skyline- the clouds and boats on the horizon, and lights a cigarette.

He’s not sure how long he’s been staring off into space when Ray says, “That must have been some dream for you to still be off in your own little world like this.”

Frank laughs. “Actually, I haven’t been thinking about the dream that much.” He looks at Ray and motions with his hand. “Like, the dream was telling me _not_ to think.”

“Huh. Okay. Interesting.” Ray scratches his head. “What was the dream about?”

Frank rubs at his shoulders. “I was at the park with the dogs in the middle of the night and Gerard was there and we talked. That’s all.”

“What did you guys talk about?”

“I said was afraid I’d hurt him and he told me not to be. He said I can’t control this.”

Ray nods. “That’s good advice, actually. Is that what you’re afraid of, Frank? That you might hurt him?”

Frank purses his lips, thinking. “Partly. But there’s more than that.”

“What else?”

Frank lets go of his shoulders and huffs, waving his arms expansively. “Like, that this is all so crazy. Because when I’m with Gerard it’s just so intense and it’s just right and perfect and then when I’m not with him I feel anxious? Like… I can’t be so crazy about him yet, can I?” Frank looks at Ray a bit desperately.

Ray narrows his eyes. “Well, can you?” Ray grabs one of Frank’s wrists and shakes his arm. “I mean, honestly, Frank, I hate to break it to you, but you _are_ crazy about him.” Ray drops his arm on the blanket. “It’s not really a question.”

“That’s nuts, though, I hardly know him.”

Ray looks thoughtful and digs around in the cooler for drinks. He comes out with a beer for himself and one for Frank. “See, I don’t think that’s true at all.”

“Oh?” Frank is curious. He takes the beer from Ray and opens it.

“Nope.” Ray takes a large swallow of his beer and sighs contentedly. “You’ve known him for several weeks now. You’ve done some recon, talking to me and Mikey, so you know all about his past.” Ray seems to be considering. “You’ve had sex with him and it’s good, right?”

“It was… Is.” Frank rubs at his eyebrows and snorts. “It’s good.” 

“Okay. And you guys have talked. Maybe you’ve talked about yourself more, but he must have told you at least some things about himself, too.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“And you know all this, and you like him, right?”

Frank takes one last drag on his cigarette and puts it out. “I do.”

Ray knocks the back of his hand against Frank’s. “So now you’re just making excuses because you’re scared. And what are you scared of?”

Ray looks directly at Frank and suddenly, it’s like a dam breaks. And Frank knows. “I’m going to fuck this up. I’m going to fuck him up worse than he already is. He’s like… fragile, you know?”

Ray raises an eyebrow. “Is he?”

“Well, I mean…” Frank takes a sip of his beer while he thinks of what he’s trying to say. “He’s high maintenance at least, you know, with the whole not liking public places.”

“Is that going to be a problem?”

Frank pulls on his ear a little as he thinks. “I don’t know, it might.”

“You don’t know that, though. It sounds to me like you’re borrowing trouble. People do that when they’re scared.”

Frank looks down at the blanket and draws a pattern on it with his finger, watching the fabric sink down into the sand below.

Ray continues, “You said he’s fragile. Do you really think that?”

Frank looks up. “Maybe?” He shrugs and sighs. “In the dream, he said he wouldn’t break. But by then he was fading and I couldn’t get him to come back. That’s why I was so unsettled when I woke up.”

“Oh, that’s really interesting.” Ray scratches his head.

“What?”

“Well, the thing about other people in our dreams is, it’s not really them. I mean, it’s parts of our subconscious dressed up as other people.” Ray takes a swallow of his beer. “So everything that Gerard said to you in the dream- that was actually you talking. Your own mind had things it wanted to tell you. You were talking to yourself.”

Frank is somewhat baffled. “I confused the crap out of myself then.” He laughs.

Ray laughs, too. “Yeah, our dreams do that to us sometimes.”

“Okay, so my mind thinks that Gerard won’t break?”

“Apparently.”

Frank goes back to making patterns on the blanket again before he continues. “In the dream it was like… Gerard didn’t seem to think it was a big deal if I freaked out and like… he wasn’t upset, thinking that I might hurt him.”

“Maybe that was your own mind telling you not to borrow trouble. Or maybe telling you that it’s okay to freak out? I mean, I guess.” Ray looks out at Christa, still swimming resolutely in the chill water and cracks his neck. “I know we’ve been a bit hard on you over the whole ‘don’t freak out’ thing, and I know you’ve got Mikey to contend with, but… When I think about it, you’re right about some things.”

“I am?” This surprises Frank, he feels so unsure at the moment. He doesn’t see how he can be right about anything.

“Well, this did all happen to you kind of fast and you’re not usually the type of guy to be hyper-infatuated like this.” Ray taps Frank’s hand again. “So I suppose it’s only natural that you’d freak out a bit.”

Frank feels relieved. Like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. “Thank you!” he says, loudly enough to disturb Tigger, where he’d been sleeping with his head on Frank’s knee. “So I’m not crazy to think that I might be going crazy, right?”

Ray laughs. “Right. But here’s the thing- you don’t need to fixate on it, you know? Just…” He waves his hand in the air as if he could snatch the words he wants out of the sea breeze. “Just admit that this is all a bit crazy and then move on.” He drops his hand, seemingly satisfied with the words he’s found. “You can be careful of Gerard’s feelings and try not to hurt him and still let yourself enjoy the relationship at the same time, you know?”

Frank shakes his head a moment, because he only sort of knows. But then Ray cocks his head to the side and gives Frank a ‘don’t be difficult and make me slap you’ look. And Frank laughs and shrugs and nods his head a little bit because he does sort of know what Ray means. It’s just… not going to be easy for him. But now he’s smiling because it does make sense. And then they’re both laughing and Frank feels better than he has for days. 

It’s going to be okay.

*_*_*

The first thing Frank notices when he opens the door Sunday is that Gerard’s smiling so big he’s practically beaming. The next thing he notices, as he leans in to kiss him, is that he’s holding a brown paper bag filled with something Frank can’t quite see. He’s almost distracted enough to forget about a kiss, but Gerard says, “Hey” and grabs his face firmly, pulling him up and in until their lips touch. Frank opens his mouth immediately and their tongues tangle in a desperate rush. A sigh escapes from somewhere deep within his throat and Gerard laughs into his mouth, not even breaking the kiss. 

Frank feels his whole body relax and lets himself fall against Gerard. Gerard drops the bag he’s holding and presses his hand to the small of Frank’s back. After being anxious and jittery all morning, Frank finally feels that release, that peace that seems to go along with being around Gerard, touching him, kissing him. It’s like Frank has found a person who just fits, someone he can just _be_ with. 

After several long minutes, Gerard pulls back from the kiss, panting and petting Frank’s face. “Hey you,” he says fondly, sliding his hand around to the back of Frank’s neck and running his fingers up into his hair. “I brought you something.”

Frank backs up, remembering, and peers down into the bag. Gerard lifts it up before he can see inside and moves past him, carrying the bag into the kitchen and setting it down on the table. “What is it?” Frank asks, excitedly, bouncing along behind him.

“Bagels!” Gerard proudly announces. “I was trying to think of what I could bring for brunch that I knew you could eat.” Gerard begins emptying the big bag. He removes several smaller clear plastic bags filled with what is easily two-dozen bagels. “I also got these cream cheeses. I wasn’t sure what flavor you’d like, so I got one regular, one veggie, and this… berry one.” Gerard holds up a tub of pink cream cheese and looks at it critically.

Frank just stands there, dumbfounded. He knows he’s grinning like a fool and he has no idea what to say.

Gerard sets the cream cheeses on the table and looks at Frank with such a disarming, open expression that Frank feels like he could melt on the spot. “Um… I looked up reviews of dairy-free cream cheeses on the website I order my groceries from and this brand was the highest rated.” Gerard scratches his neck and does his awkward turtle impression. “I didn’t know what kind of bagels you would like, so I got four kinds.”

He might have kept rambling if Frank hadn’t attacked him at that moment. Frank plants both hands on the sides of his face and places a firm kiss on his lips before backing up and laughing. “You’re crazy! Why do you keep giving me so much food? Do you think I need to gain weight or something?”

“No no no no no no,” Gerard shakes his head as he puts his hands on Frank’s waist. “I think you’re perfect just the way you are,” he says, nuzzling his face in Frank’s neck. “I just want to make sure you have plenty of food you can eat, that’s all.” Gerard breathes in deeply and hums a little bit. “I fucking love the way you smell, Frankie.”

Frank sighs and shivers under Gerard’s touch. For the life of him, he can’t remember at this moment why he thought even for a second that this could be wrong. 

Finally, Gerard lifts his face out of Frank’s neck and presses his forehead against Frank’s. “Brunch?”

“Right!” Frank remembers and pulls back. “I made veggie omelets. Is that okay?”

“That sounds great.”

They feast on omelets, bagels, orange juice, and, of course, coffee. By the time they’re done, Frank feels like he’s eaten more in this one sitting than he has in any other meal in years. 

He’s pulling Gerard into the living room to cuddle on the couch when Gerard says, “Well, now you’ll have lots of fuel for your show tonight.”

Franks nods as he pushes Gerard down onto the couch and settles himself, lying down on his stomach on top of him. “Mmm hmm. I feel like I need a nap first, though.”

Gerard smiles and pulls Frank’s head down onto his chest. “I think that can be arranged.”

Frank wakes up an hour later to the feel of Gerard running his finger around the outer shell of his ear and saying softly, “I don’t know what time your show is, but I don’t want you to sleep too long and not have enough time to get ready, or whatever it is you need to do.”

“Mmmm,” Frank grumbles. He brings his wrist up and opens one eye, peering at his watch. “I’ve got time still.” He nuzzles his head into Gerard’s chest. “Wish you would come… hear us play.” Frank is startled awake when he realizes what he’s said. He had no intention of saying that. He quickly lifts his head to look at Gerard. “It’s fine, though. I mean...” He has no idea what to say to fix this. “I mean, I understand. You don’t have to come. I’m not upset.”

Gerard doesn’t look convinced. He looks startled, but he doesn’t say anything right away. He pushes tendrils of hair off Frank’s cheek and tucks them behind his ear. “It means a lot to me that you want me to hear your band. I wish I could give you something more than that, but… Well, I’m glad you said something, anyway.”

Frank feels an ache in his gut. He’s made Gerard sad and he knows it, even though Gerard’s trying not to show it. “It’s really okay, okay?”

Gerard nods slowly. “Okay.”

Frank can tell Gerard is just placating him. He takes Gerard’s hands from where they’re still running through the hair at the sides of his face. He kisses his fingertips and tries to figure out what to say. He wishes he could be like the Frank in his dream who just said exactly what he was feeling. Finally, he says, “I’m just so scared I’m going to hurt you.” He looks down at Gerard’s fingertips, his short nails, dirty underneath with charcoal and paint. He can’t look up. “I have no idea why. It’s not like I really have a terrible track record. I mean, I’m sure I could have done better with Leslie, but it’s not like I ruined her life or anything.” He trails off, not knowing where he’s going with this. He sighs and reluctantly looks up. “I’ve been dreaming about you.”

“I know.”

Frank shakes his head. “No, no not the bad dream, I had another dream. It was weird but not bad.”

“Oh?” Gerard cocks his head to the side. “What happened in that dream?”

“We were just talking.”

“What did we talk about?”

“I told you I was scared, like I did just now.” Frank rubs his nose as he thinks back to yesterday and the strange dream. “You said you wouldn’t break if I hurt you.”

Gerard laughs quickly and then quiets, looking up at the ceiling for a moment before looking back down into Frank’s eyes. “I’m pretty crazy about you, Frank. I can’t…” Gerard taps his thumbs over the ‘bookworm’ letters on Frank’s knuckles. “I can’t promise you I won’t break if we don’t work out, but I’ll be okay. I just wonder why you’re so afraid of hurting me. Did it even occur to you that _I_ might hurt _you_?”

Frank is taken aback. He hadn’t thought of that at all, actually. The idea startles him and makes his whole body tense up.

Gerard continues, “I mean, I’m not really worried about it.” He stops and takes Frank’s hands up to his mouth, kissing them gently. “Hey,” he says softly. “Relax.” He pushes Frank’s head down onto his chest and runs his fingers through his hair. “I wish you’d told me you were scared.”

“I just did,” Frank mumbles. Gerard laughs. Frank feels the vibrations from it rumbling in his chest. He suddenly feels so safe. He almost thinks he could cry, which makes him feel ridiculous, but he can’t exactly help it right now. 

“Yeah, you did. That was brave, Frankie. I can’t remember anyone being that brave for me in a long time.” He kisses the top of Frank’s head. “Anyway, the thing is, I’m not worried about hurting you and you shouldn’t be worried about hurting me. I mean, it can’t be completely avoided anyway. We’ll probably end up hurting each other at some point, but that’s just how relationships are. If we care about each other, we’ll get past it.” Gerard cups the bottom of Frank’s skull and squeezes it protectively. “You just… have to accept that, Frankie. Just be okay with that so you can relax. I don’t want you to be all upset and anxious over me.”

Frank feels like he’s choking on all the overwhelming feelings that are spilling up out of his chest right now. He listens to Gerard’s heart beat for a few moments before he can speak. “Fuck you, Gerard Way, you’re going to make me fall in love with you.”

Gerard laughs again. It’s a beautiful sound. “Well then I’ll just have to fall in love right back, won’t I?”

Frank doesn’t say anything to that. He just hides the biggest secret smile against Gerard’s chest and feels his heart swell up inside him. He might burst under the force of it. Instead of speaking for a while, he just shifts to reach his arms around Gerard’s ribcage and holds him tight. 

Gerard drops his hands to the small of Frank’s back and snakes them up under his shirt, tracing designs on his skin with his finger tips. Frank shivers and says, suddenly, “I dreamed you were dead.” Gerard’s fingers on his back still. Frank squeezes his eyes shut and holds on tight around Gerard’s back. “Okay, now you can freak out. It’s fine.”

Gerard’s fingers resume their pattern making. “Was it that same dream from when you were a kid?”

Frank nods. “Yeah, I woke up and you were dead in my bed.” Frank decides to leave out the part about feeling like he might have been the one who killed Gerard. 

“Hmmm.” Gerard moves his hands up Frank’s back and stretches them out over his shoulder blades, palms warm on Frank’s skin. “I’m not going to freak out. I think the dream was just telling you that you were scared. I’m sure it was really upsetting, but it makes sense, especially since you weren’t talking to me about your fears. It had to get out somehow.”

Frank had kind of figured all that out, but he’s glad that Gerard knows it too, now. He takes a deep breath and pulls his arms out from behind Gerard’s back and pushes himself up so that he can look at Gerard’s face. “Why won’t you invite me to your house?”

“What?” Gerard was clearly not expecting that question.

“I mean, I don’t mind having you come here, but I’d really like to see your house.” 

Gerard’s hands drop from Frank’s back to rest on his hips, fingers making little circles over the top of his jeans. “My house is kind of…”

“What?”

“Messy.”

“That’s an excuse.”

Gerard nods. “Yes, it is.” He reaches his hands down to massage Frank’s ass.

Frank shakes his hips a little bit and smirks. “Stop trying to distract me.”

Gerard sighs, “Okay, um… I don’t know.” He looks up to the ceiling. “I’m weird about having other people in my house, it’s like… _I don’t know_. No one else goes there.”

“Does Mikey?”

Gerard looks down at Frank. “That’s different, he’s my brother.”

Frank is nonplussed. “Right.”

“Well I’ve known him forever,” Gerard explains. “I’ve _lived_ with him. He like, knows all my stupid rules and shit.”

“I can learn rules!” Frank pushes himself up more. “I’m a fast learner!”

Gerard smiles and puts his hands on Frank’s biceps. “I’m sure you are. If it makes you feel any better, Alicia’s never come in past the front entry way except once when she really needed to use the bathroom.”

“Alicia’s not having sex with you.”

Gerard makes a horrified face at this and Frank can’t hold in his laughter. He decides to let it go for now, but he can’t help it that he’s bothered. He knows he hasn’t been with Gerard for very long, but there’s always going to be a part of him that’s thinking about Bert and how he was close enough to Gerard to be at his house and make him feel like shit over expired toothpaste. Frank would never be a jerk like that. He should be in Gerard’s house, learning his rules and making him feel happy, whether he’s remembered to brush his teeth or not.

“Oh God,” Gerard moans. “Please, Frank, you’ve got to get that image out of my mind!”

Frank laughs as he brings his open mouth up to Gerard’s. He pulls back to utter, “I’d be glad to.” 

As he kisses Gerard, all other thoughts flee from his mind as he holds onto this one idea: he’s making out with his boyfriend and it feels good. That’s all he lets himself think about. He thinks this is progress.

\+ *_*_* +

Monday starts off uncomfortably when Gerard gets a text message from Mikey before he’s even had his coffee.

_U rly need 2 invite Frank over_

Gerard rolls his eyes and doesn’t reply. He manages to push it out of his head during his video conference. His publishers and editor are really happy with the mock-ups of the next issue and everyone gives the go ahead for production. He’s really excited and still sort of high from how well the meeting went when he picks up his phone a few hours later and sees the text message again. 

He frowns, trying to figure out how to respond. What can he say? He thinks about all the reasons he isn’t ready to have Frank come over yet. He settles on the one that he thinks Mikey will appreciate the most. He texts back.

_If Frank and I get comfortable with him coming over here, I’ll never have a reason to leave the house again._

Mikey replies almost immediately.

_U’d have 2 leave 2 come visit Pebbles._

Gerard smiles at that and takes a few minutes to come up with a reply.

_I’d get Frank to use his ‘cute’ face to convince you to bring Pebbles over here to visit._

Gerard waits a moment, and when a reply is not immediately forthcoming, he heads for the kitchen, thinking about a sandwich or something for lunch. He’s in the process of throwing out all the old food from the back of the fridge when his phone buzzes again.

_Ur being ridiculous. U know Frank’s falling in love w/ u, right?_

Gerard drops his phone. When it hits the floor, the back pops off and the battery falls out. He just stands there and stares at it for a little while. He knows Frank feels that way, he said as much yesterday, but… He just didn’t think they were at the point of talking about those feelings to other people yet. Not even Mikey.

Gerard finally gets himself together enough to pick up his phone and put the battery in and the back on and wait for it to restart. Once it’s on, he texts Mikey back.

_Did Frank say that he’s falling in love with me?_

Gerard has to know. If Frank is already at the point of telling people that then maybe Frank isn’t the one who should be scared in this relationship. Gerard forgets all about clearing out the fridge and just sits at the table while he awaits Mikey’s reply. 

He startles when the phone buzzes again.

_He didn’t, but he didn’t have 2. It’s obvious._

Gerard has never been so relieved at the content of a text message in all his life. He takes a deep breath and rests his head on his arms on the table. Why did he get all jumpy like that? He’s as sure of his feelings for Frank as he’s ever been of anything.

Gerard sits like that until his stomach grumbles then gets up and goes through the motions of making a sandwich. By the time he sits down and begins to eat it, he’s being honest with himself. He knows what’s going to happen with Frank. Frank is going to want things that Gerard can’t give him. An invitation to his house and the desire for him to come see a show are only the beginning. Eventually Frank is going to want things that Gerard can’t do for anyone, and then that will be the end. 

But Gerard will be damned if he isn’t going to ride this wave as far as it will take him. It’s going to hurt like hell when it’s over, but getting to be with Frank in the meantime will make it all worth it. 

*_*_*

“You need to give him something,” Mikey says over the phone that night. This is the first thing he says when he calls.

It takes Gerard’s brain a moment to catch up before he replies. “I don’t know what that means. I give him things all the time.”

“I know that, I’m not talking about food or bumper stickers.”

“It was a car magnet,” Gerard huffs as he drops the paintbrush he was working with into the large sink in his back studio. He looks down into the sink and sees at least a dozen brushes, all with different colored paint dried on them, waiting to be washed. He’s going to run out soon if he doesn’t wash some. Maybe he’ll just order more.

“I don’t mean like, an object. Not like a tangible thing.” Mikey’s talking again. Gerard holds the phone in the crook of his neck as he rinses paint off his fingers. “I mean you need to _do_ something special for him, so he knows you actually give a shit.”

“He knows I give a shit.” Gerard dries his hands on a towel and sits down on the couch to stare at the canvas he’s working on and have a cigarette. 

“He wants more from you, though.”

Gerard is silent as he takes a long drag and blows it out. He leans forward with his elbows on his knees and pinches the bridge of his nose. “He just might have to get used to disappointment if he’s going to be with me.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

Gerard can’t take his brother right now. “What the fuck do you want me to _do_ , Mikey?” He raises his voice. “I can’t become another person for him. If he likes me, he needs to know who I am right from the start.” He’s upset now, his words all run together. “I’m not going to fuck this up like I did with Bert and try to be someone cooler than I really am just so that Frank can be disappointed after we’ve been together two years and I get sober and he figures out what a royal fuck-up I am!”

Mikey’s silent on the other end of the line, but Gerard knows he’s still there because he can hear him breathing. He falls back onto the couch and watches the smoke swirl away from the end of his cigarette. “I’ve never been anything but completely honest with Frank.” Gerard’s speaking softly now. “He has to know what he’s getting into.”

“He knows, Gee,” Mikey says gently. “He knows you have issues, but he likes you anyway. He sees something in you… I don’t get it, but he wants you and he can’t be talked out of it.” He pauses. “Believe me, I’ve tried.”

“Well that just makes me feel fabulous.” Gerard hopes Mikey can feel the sarcasm dripping through the phone. “Thanks, baby brother.”

“I’m only trying to look out for you.” Mikey sounds sad. 

That makes Gerard sad. He replies, bitterly, “You seem to be taking that job pretty seriously since you actually deigned to make a phone call and not just harass me with text messages.”

“Pot… kettle. But anyway, I tried with text messages, but you stopped replying. I had to take extreme measures.” Mikey’s silent for a second before he says, “I’ll come over there if I have to.”

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary.” Gerard takes a couple of drags on his cigarette, stretches his arms out and cracks his neck. He feels calmer after his minor outburst. “Why is this so important, though? You keep telling me he’s crazy about me, so I don’t see what the problem is.”

Gerard hears Mikey’s dramatic sigh and can practically _see_ his eyes rolling as he speaks slowly. “The problem,” he enunciates obnoxiously. “Is that he’s not going to let you blame your neurosis for keeping him at an arm’s length forever. He _really_ doesn’t understand about not inviting him over. I mean, he’s trying, but… he just doesn’t.”

And just like that, Gerard is agitated again. Why is Frank so fixated on coming to his house? “Well that’s too bad because I can’t invite him over yet, just… not… yet.”

“Then you need to do something else for him. He like…” Mikey seems to be searching for words. “He feels like boyfriends should go to each other’s houses. Oh that’s another thing, he referred to you as his boyfriend. I hope you’re cool with that.”

“What? Oh… yeah, I mean it’s not like I’m seeing anyone else.”

“Right, but he won’t be your boyfriend for long if you’re not willing to step outside your comfort zone a bit for him.”

Gerard gets that, he totally does, but he’s at a loss as far as what that actually means when inviting Frank over is simply not an option right now. “Which begs the question, what do you want me to _do_ , Mikey?” Gerard knows his irritation is misplaced, knows this isn’t Mikey’s fault, knows it’s unfair to take it out on him, but he just can’t help it. “I’m sorry, Mikes, I just… I don’t want to lose Frank, but I tried to tell him, you know? And you tried to tell him, so I already feel like he wants too much. I just need more time.”

Mikey sighs dramatically again. “Wanting to come to your house is not wanting too much. It’s really not, Gee. I get it that it feels too soon to you, but I also get why Frank feels like he does.” Gerard is suddenly struck with the feeling that there’s someone else there with Mikey, helping him come up with these words. “Honestly, he’s shown you an awful lot of himself, he’s not asking too much to want something similar in return, but I have an idea.”

“Oh?” Gerard sits up, suddenly feeling hopeful. He can hear Alicia saying something on the other end of the line.

“Yeah, Alicia just suggested it and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.”

“Oh man.” Whatever it is, if Alicia suggested it, it’s making Gerard nervous.

“It’s not bad.”

“Okay, fine, what is it, then?”

“You and Frank should come over here for dinner some night.” He pauses. “Like, as a couple.”

“Oh.”

“You think you can handle that?” Mikey’s hopeful tone is amusing in that annoyingly cute sort of way.

Gerard shrugs to himself and stabs his cigarette out in an ashtray. “Well, yeah.”

“Perfect!” Gerard can hear Alicia making excited noises in the background and he even hears Pebbles bark in response to their combined joy.

Gerard’s not exactly sure why Mikey’s so excited about this. “But, Mikey, why? How is this going to make Frank feel okay about me not inviting him over?”

“Because it’s like…” Gerard hears a muffled sound like Mikey’s covering the receiver with his hand while he talks to Alicia. “It’s something that _boyfriends_ do. I don’t know why, but Frank was kind of hung up on that last night. I mean, he was really drunk, so I don’t know, but I think he just wants something to make him feel more secure and feel like you guys are really a couple.” Gerard is certain now that Alicia’s supplying a great deal of Mikey’s end of this conversation.

“Oh. So he seemed like… insecure?” Gerard is somewhat baffled. He thought he’d made his feelings for Frank clear. “I mean, I’ve told him how much I like him-”

Mikey cuts him off. “Those are just _words_. I told you Frank would do things you won’t expect. He’s a real concrete kind of guy. Like, he needs to know exactly where he stands. He can’t just go with the flow quite like you can. You know?”

“Yeah, I guess I’m figuring that out.” Gerard is also figuring out that next time, he should just ask to talk directly to Alicia. 

“Okay, so Alicia’s got our calendar pulled up on her phone and she says Sunday night is good.” There’s another muffled sound as Mikey and Alicia talk to each other. “I’m pretty sure Frank’s show is on Thursday this week, so hopefully that won’t be a problem for him.” Mikey takes a deep breath. “So invite him, okay? And make it clear that he’s your boyfriend, please? I’ve never met anyone as literal as a drunk Frank Iero. Seriously, I don’t want to ever have that conversation again.”

Gerard is laughing now. He’s never seen Frank drunk, but he can guess what that encounter must have been like. “Okay, okay I’ll ask him, tell him… whatever.”

“Good,” Mikey says firmly. “And Gerard?”

“Yeah?”

“You know Frank is like, the best thing that’s ever happened to you, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

\+ *_*_* +

Okay, so Frank hadn’t actually _planned_ to complain about Gerard to Mikey, but that’s how it happened. He had a few drinks after the set Sunday night and was talking to Mikey again, of course, and it all just came out. It didn’t seem like a terrible thing at the time. He and Gerard have both been talking to Mikey about each other the whole time they’ve been dating; but when Gerard doesn’t reply to Frank’s _wish we’d had more time yesterday_ text on Monday and then nothing all day Tuesday, Frank gets worried. What if Mikey said something to Gerard and he’s upset now?

Frank tries to think back and he’s pretty sure that the entire time he’s been seeing Gerard, they haven’t gone more than two full days without texting each other about _something_. By Wednesday, he decides he’s being dumb. Everything’s fine, of course it is. Whatever Mikey may or may not have said to Gerard, if it’s an issue, Gerard will say something to him about it and they’ll discuss it like adults. If it’s not an issue, they won’t. End of story. 

So he’s going to text Gerard. He needs to stop being so silly about it. He’s not playing games. He will give Gerard the benefit of the doubt and assume he isn’t either. He’s in the process of deciding what he should say when his phone buzzes in his hand with a message from Gerard

_We’re invited to Mikey and Alicia’s house for dinner on Sunday, are you available?_

Frank is available. He’s also kind of stunned at this turn of events- not that Mikey and Alicia would invite them over. That actually makes a lot of sense to him. What’s surprising is that Gerard seems to be perfectly fine with it. Frank examines his reaction for a moment and smiles. He’s surprised by Gerard’s casualness about this, but it’s a nice kind of surprised. He’s invited to have dinner at his boyfriend’s brother’s house. That idea, when he considers it, makes his chest feel warm. 

Yeah, this is good. Frank is good with this. He doesn’t waste any time replying to Gerard. Waiting in order to seem less eager would be immature. He’s too old for that. It would also be like playing games and he’s _not_ going to be that kind of guy.

_Yup, I’m free._

Gerard’s reply is immediately forthcoming. 

_Excellent! I’ll tell them we’ll come._

Excellent, Frank thinks. It really is excellent. 

*_*_* 

Frank doesn’t hear from Gerard again on Wednesday. By mid-morning Thursday, he’s getting antsy. He’s happy about the ‘dinner at the Mikey and Alicia Way residence’ plan, but he needs to _see_ Gerard again before that. Though it’s only been four days since they last touched, it feels like years and he has this weird burning sensation in his chest over it. 

The odd sensation is decidedly _not_ heartburn, but it’s no less uncomfortable. He’s going to have to give in and just invite Gerard over for Friday or Saturday night. He can’t take the chest- burny feeling anymore, and mostly, he just misses being together. He figures there’s really no room for some silly sense of pride when you’re as head-over-heels for someone as he is for Gerard. And anyway, he’s pretty sure there was nothing intentional about Gerard’s text-message scorning. Gerard’s brain just doesn’t work that way, and assigning meaning to actions that have none is a sure way to find disaster. That last bit of wisdom is courtesy of Mikey Way who, as it turns out, is capable of making Frank understand relationship wisdom even when he’s drunk.

Frank is just about to head outside for his break, during which he is determined to text Gerard, when two vehicles pull into the shelter parking lot. One is a delivery car with an advertisement for a restaurant called “Ensalada” painted on its side, and the other one is Gerard’s car. Gerard quickly parks and jumps out to intercept the delivery guy before he gets to the building. He pays for the food and smiles brilliantly at Frank as he walks inside. 

Frank comes around the desk and moves toward the door to meet him. Gerard leans his face down to Frank’s immediately and Frank stretches up for a quick, ‘hello’ kiss. “That was weird,” Gerard says as he walks over to the desk and sets the bags of food down.

“What was weird?”

“I’ve never seen that guy before. I’ve been ordering from this place for almost three years and always had the same woman deliver at lunch time and a different one at night, but never _that_ guy.” Gerard points meaningfully out the window for emphasis. “I intentionally go to places with low turnover, you know?”

Frank doesn’t really know. “Well, you usually have them deliver to your house?”

Gerard nods as he checks the receipt and makes sure the order is right.

“So, we’re like, kinda on the other side of town from your house. Maybe they have more than one delivery person.”

Gerard looks at Frank once he’s satisfied that the food is right. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I hadn’t thought of that.” He smiles at Frank and makes to reach out and touch his face, but then seems to change his mind, his hand landing on Frank’s arm instead. “Hey… surprise?”

Frank covers Gerard’s hand with his own. “What’s the occasion this time?” 

Gerard cocks his head to the side. “Do I need an excuse to surprise my boyfriend with lunch?”

Frank is fairly sure that Gerard is testing him by using the word boyfriend. They haven’t really discussed their status yet, but Frank vaguely remembers making kind of a big deal about it to Mikey on Sunday night. Frank certainly _feels_ like Gerard is his boyfriend, and it makes him unreasonably happy to know that Gerard apparently feels the same way.

“No I guess you don’t.” Frank squeezes Gerard’s hand then leans over to look at the food. “What did you bring me?”

“Big salads!” Gerard beams proudly. “This place has the best salads ever! Everything’s always really fresh. I think you’ll like what I had them put in yours. I just tried to remember what kinds of veggies you liked on your pizza and in your omelet.”

Frank shakes his head. “You are just too much,” he teases fondly.

Gerard shrugs. “You love it.”

“I do,” Frank confirms. “Shall we eat outside, picnic style again?”

Gerard nods and picks up the bags, following Frank out to sit under his oak tree. They get situated and eat in almost total silence. The salad really is delicious. Frank thinks he could get used to having a boyfriend who likes to surprise him at work with lunch.

Gerard has just taken a swallow of the pink lemonade that he brought them to drink, when he looks at Frank oddly, his eyebrows pulling together in the middle and his head tilting sideways. “I suppose one day I’m going to get here and be disappointed because you have other plans for lunch. I should start texting you before I come, huh?”

Frank shakes his head and grabs Gerard’s wrist. “No, don’t do that. I like these kinds of surprises.” He runs his fingertips along the vein on the inside of Gerard’s wrist. “I promise you, I’ve never had ‘lunch plans’ before. I always just sit out here with the dogs and eat, or in the office in the winter. Maybe once in a while I’ll go out by myself for fast food, that’s it.” His heart flutters at how Gerard’s expression softens right before his eyes. “This is _so_ much better than that.” 

Gerard leans down to plant a soft kiss on Frank’s forehead and asks softly, “You like the salad?”

Frank nods, “I do, thank you.”

“Good.” 

Frank leans up to kiss Gerard on the mouth and thinks he has the sweetest, most considerate boyfriend in the world. He has no idea how he got so lucky.

*_*_*

“I don’t deserve you,” Frank says. It comes out of nowhere on Friday night while they’re cuddling on the couch after dinner. 

Gerard extends the remote to hit pause, silencing the horror movie marathon they’re watching. He turns to look at Frank. “What are you talking about?”

Frank suddenly feels extremely uncertain. He has no idea where that came from. “I don’t know. I don’t know why I said that. I just…” He tries to make his thoughts make sense. “I feel like you do a lot for me and all I do is worry and over-think everything and pine for you when you’re not around.” Ever since last Sunday when Frank told Gerard about his dreams, he’s been doing this thing where he word vomits his feelings all over Gerard all the time. It’s getting kind of embarrassing. 

Gerard just looks amused, though, and raises his eyebrows. “You pine for me?” He doesn’t really seem to mind the word-feeling-vomit so much. Frank just adds this to his list of reasons why Gerard is amazing and Frank can never ever let him go. 

Frank hunches into himself a little bit. “Well, I’m pretty ridiculous about you.” He intertwines his fingers with Gerard’s where they’re holding hands. “I miss you a lot when we’re not together.”

Gerard squeezes his hand. “I miss you a lot, too.” He looks thoughtful for a moment before he continues, with a faraway look. “I tend to get really distracted when I’m working, though. I kind of get out of my head, so I’m not really thinking about my life at all.” His eyes come back to Frank’s face again and then crinkle up at the corners as he smiles. He pushes a lock of Frank’s hair behind his ear. “But then when I’m not working, my thoughts seem to always come back around to you. A lot.” 

Gerard pulls his fingers out of Frank’s so he can wrap both of his hands around the back of Frank’s head. He leans down and kisses Frank’s forehead, then his nose, then his eyelids, his cheeks, and finally his chin. He turns Frank’s head, leaning to plant a wet kiss just under his ear before whispering, “I don’t want to watch any more movies. I want to fuck you.”

Frank shivers. Gerard’s tone and his words travel straight to his groin and he immediately grows hard. Gerard licks and nips at his neck. Frank grabs at Gerard’s hair and pulls his head back so that he can looks into his eyes. He feels like he’s looking for something, but he doesn’t know what. Gerard’s pupils are blown with lust, his face completely open and eager and beautiful. Frank can’t stand it. He’s going to explode. He nods vigorously. It’s been a really fucking long time, but he wants this. He’s sure of it. He wants Gerard to fuck him. “I want that, too,” he gasps. “I want you, Gee. I want everything.”

“Yeah?” 

Still nodding, Frank assures him, “Yeah.” 

Standing up, he pulls Gerard into the bedroom. He clutches sat Gerard’s shirt, his fingers curling up into a fist as he drags him. He gets to the bed and yanks all the covers off at once before he lies down against the pillows, pulling Gerard down on top of him by his shirt. He spreads his legs immediately, letting Gerard settle between them, and then pulls Gerard down hard by his hair to smash their mouths together. 

The kiss is fierce and deep and messy and Frank can’t breathe. He pulls back panting and stares into Gerard’s eyes again, running his fingertips up and down his cheeks. “How are you real?” he gasps before going in again, kissing Gerard’s swollen lips softly and tenderly this time. 

Gerard kisses him back, just as gently, letting Frank set the pace. They kiss like this for what seems like hours, Gerard’s fingers running lightly through Frank’s hair. Eventually Gerard lets out a strangled moan and humps Frank’s leg a few times before deepening the kiss. He seems to be searching for Frank’s soul in his throat. Gerard’s hands are everywhere: on Frank’s belly and hips; reaching behind his back when Frank arches up as Gerard licks the roof of his mouth; running up Frank’s sides under his shirt, pushing it up to his armpits and tweaking Frank’s nipples. Frank breaks the kiss with a gasp and his head falls back of its own accord. Then Gerard is moving away, sitting up to take off his shirt. He pushes Frank’s shirt higher and Frank lifts up his arms and shoulders so Gerard can pull it over his head. 

Gerard runs his fingers all over Frank’s chest, tracing the lines of ink and stopping several times to massage and tweak his nipples with a wicked grin. Frank jerks and gasps each time. Just when Frank thinks he can’t take it anymore, Gerard moves clever fingers down to the waistband of his jeans and curls them down under his belt. He scoots back and pulls Frank down the bed by his hips until he’s lying flat. With more pressure this time, Gerard rubs his hands up Frank’s chest then pushes his arms up over his head. He smoothes his hands up the skin on the insides of Frank’s arms until he reaches Frank’s hands then clasps the fingers of both of their hands together. 

Gerard looms over Frank for a moment before carefully dropping down on top of him, their bodies lined up as much as their disparate height will allow. Frank can feel Gerard’s entire body this way, from the tips of his fingers all the way down to his legs, which he’s spreading, gradually pushing Frank’s legs further apart. Frank trembles as his body adjusts to Gerard’s weight on top of him, it’s so good, the pressure everywhere on him. He arches his neck back and breathes in and all he can smell and feel is Gerard and he never wants it to end. 

Gerard makes several new hickeys on Frank’s shoulders. Frank shudders every time Gerard’s teeth go down and then again when he sucks his mouth off, making obscene squelching noises. 

Gerard’s mouth is back just under his ear now, tracing the lines of his scorpion tattoo. “I want to eat you alive, Frankie. So good. I’m going to make this so good for you.”

Frank gasps and makes an embarrassing whining sound in the back of his throat. “It’s been a really long time,” he whispers. He’s suddenly very, very nervous.

“Shhhh, it’s okay.” Gerard lets go of Frank’s left hand and brings his hand down to run through Frank’s hair again, soothingly. He looks into Frank’s eyes with a pure wanton expression and smirks a little as he says, “I won’t hurt you. I’ll go so slow, you’ll be begging me for it.”

Frank giggles nervously. It comes out high-pitched and breathy. “Okay, I know. I know. It’s just…” Frank doesn’t know why, but he suddenly feels incredibly vulnerable. He swallows. “Just… okay, yeah. Go slow and… Be gentle.”

“Mmmm.” Gerard nuzzles at his ear and licks the outer shell. “It’s going to be good, I promise you.” He leans back and blows against where he’s just licked and Frank shivers. “I’ll make you feel so good you’ll never want it to end.”

Frank gasps again and moans, his hips jerking up involuntarily. Gerard starts kissing him again, deep and steady, like he’s claiming his territory, like he’s going to own Frank through his mouth. Gerard begins moving his hips, humping against Frank. Frank feels Gerard’s hardness through his jeans and decides they are wearing far too many clothes. Why do they still have their pants on?

Franks pulls out of the kiss and untangles himself, pushing Gerard up by his shoulders. “Okay, I have-” he reaches his arm over toward the nightstand drawer, “I have lube and condoms.”

Frank can’t really see what he’s doing, crushed under Gerard as he is. But Gerard rummages around in the drawer until his hand comes out of it first with a strip of condoms and then a bottle of lube. He sets those aside on the bed before leaning back down and kissing all along Frank’s collarbone and then his chest. When he swirls his tongue around each nipple in turn and sucks lightly, Frank jerks and shakes uncontrollably. Frank’s about to call Gerard out for being the biggest tease ever when he feels Gerard’s hand at his waist, going to work to undo his belt and then his button and zipper. 

Gerard stops and put his hand over Frank’s dick, palming him through his jeans. Frank jerks up into his hand; he can’t help it. Gerard laughs, “Eager much?”

“Evil sadist,” is all Frank manages to get out in retort because then Gerard is snaking his hand down inside Frank’s jeans and running his fingers up and down Frank’s hard-on over his underwear. His fingers work around the head, spreading the wetness and suddenly Gerard’s mouth is on his stomach, kissing and licking and sucking. Frank can’t take it, he throws his head back, squeezing his eyes shut and for a second he’s is afraid he’s going to come just from this but then Gerard stops. He’s getting up and standing, pulling off his jeans and underwear and then he’s pulling down Frank’s pants and underwear, dragging them down his legs and throwing them aside. Frank hears them fall unceremoniously in a heap on the floor. 

Frank’s eyes are still closed. He takes a deep breath as he feels the bed shift with Gerard’s weight sinking down on top of it. Gerard settles down between Frank’s knees and runs his hands up and down Frank’s thighs for a few moments. When Frank opens his eyes, he sees Gerard staring right back at him before looking up and down his whole body and then looking straight into his eyes again. Frank feels like Gerard is trying to eat him with his eyes. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” Gerard says it so reverently that Frank is almost embarrassed. He feels like he wants to hide. Gerard must sense this because he leans up and covers Frank’s body with his own, bracing himself with his elbows on either side of Frank’s chest. “You’re like a sculpture. It’s like you’re too beautiful to be real.” Frank blinks and tries not to flinch or look away. 

Gerard continues talking, his voice low and dark. “I think that’s why I like drawing you so much. Even when you’re not actually there for me to look at I just draw you- before I even realize I’m doing it, sometimes.” Frank smiles. He has no idea what to say to this. Right now he’s just trying not to cry. Gerard runs his pinky finger over Frank’s cheekbone and says, “See, I can just close my eyes,” he closes his eyes to demonstrate, “and I see your face.” He smiles and opens his eyes. “And it always makes me feel happy. And my heart feels full, you know?”

Frank nods and breathes out, whispering, “Yeah, I know.” He isn’t sure when he started holding his breath. He doesn’t know when things went from hot sex to something else entirely. Something Frank hasn’t planned for and doesn’t think he’s prepared for. But then it’s back to sex again as Gerard is moving down his body, planting more wet, open mouthed kisses to his stomach and groin, and rubbing his hand in slow circles all over Frank’s thigh. He gently nudges it, pushing it to the side.

When Gerard’s mouth finally lands on Frank’s cock, he just licks at it a little bit before taking it all the way into his mouth, sinking down until his nose is nestled into the thick black hair at the base. The image is more than Frank can handle and he’s back to closed eyes, leaning his head back and arching up into Gerard’s mouth. He puts his hand on Gerard’s head, just rubbing it over his hair, appreciating. Then Gerard pulls completely off, breathing deeply before he goes back down all the way and _hums_. Frank’s whole body jolts and he cries out and feels Gerard’s laughter vibrate all around his dick. 

Gerard pulls off again and grabs at Frank’s other hand, rubbing his thumb in slow circles over the top of it. “Frankie,” he says, his voice deep and serious. Frank looks down at him and doesn’t blink. “Are we ready to do this?”

Frank feels a slow smile spread across his face as he nods. “Fuck yeah.”

Gerard sits up and back on his heels and pushes Frank’s thighs up and apart, running his hands up and down the undersides several times and leaning down kiss each of his knees in turn. 

This makes Frank laugh. “Goofball,” he says fondly.

Gerard just laughs and says, “What? I like your knees.” He smiles down at Frank and Frank doesn’t feel like he’s being teased at all, just adored like something precious and he doesn’t know what to do with that feeling, but he’s not nervous anymore. Gerard’s goofy, disarming smile brings him right into the moment and he feels totally present. It’s just them, Frank and Gerard. It’s just sex. People do it all the time. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be perfect.

They stare, smiling at each other, Gerard’s head resting on Frank’s knee. “Touch me,” Frank eventually says. 

Gerard lifts his head, nods and replies, “Yeah.” It’s a hungry, guttural sound. “Yeah, right fucking now.”

Gerard picks up the bottle of lube and coats his fingers carefully then kneels down between Frank’s legs. Frank is spread open as far as he can be, his arms hooked under his knees pulling his thighs up and apart. Gerard’s fingers find his hole and he massages around the outside for a few minutes. Frank feels ridiculously relaxed, yet strung taut at the same time. Gerard sinks a finger in finally and works it around. Frank realizes he’s looking for his prostate and there’s no doubt about it when he finds it. Frank jerks up and shouts out something unintelligible and Gerard grins. “Yeah, there it is. That’s the sweet spot, yeah?”

Frank can’t breathe. He’s going crazy as Gerard keeps massaging the spot over and over again. He eventually manages, “Yeah, that’s it.” 

It’s not long before he’s sweating and shaking and swearing, “Fuck, more! God dammit, Gee I need more.”

Gerard is fucking laughing and wearing a shit-eating grin, but he complies, sliding another finger in alongside the first. He works his two fingers together now, scissoring around and _stretching_ , and periodically rubbing over Frank’s prostate until Frank feels like he’s on fire. He thinks he might explode or start crying or something. He’s about to start babbling incoherently when Gerard adds a third finger and it _burns_. It burns, but it’s good. It’s so, so good. Frank’s ready, he knows he is.

“I’m ready,” he pants out when he can make his mouth work. 

Gerard looks up at him, unsure, still moving his fingers methodically inside Frank. “You sure?”

“Positive! Certain!” Frank nods and tries to pull himself off Gerard’s fingers while grabbing the condoms and lube and shoving them at Gerard. “Fuck me.” He gasps and trembles when Gerard’s fingers fall out of him with a dirty squelching sound. “Fuck me now, please,” he whines.

Gerard takes the lube and condoms from Frank and Frank sits up suddenly, really wanting to do something. He takes back the strip of condoms and tears one off, opening it. “Let me.” He looks up to see Gerard licking his lips. Gerard runs his hands over Frank’s thigh as Frank rolls the condom on and slicks him up with probably way more lube than is needed. Frank is taking longer than necessary. He knows he is, but Gerard doesn’t say anything. Frank’s earlier nervousness all comes rushing back to him and he’s grateful that Gerard is so patient. When he can’t stall anymore, Frank takes a deep breath before leaning forward to plant a firm kiss on Gerard’s lips. Gerard surprises him by wrapping his hand around the back of his neck and opening up to kiss him deeply. 

When Gerard pulls back from the kiss, Frank says, “Okay.” He lets himself fall back on the bed, pulling his legs up again as Gerard moves over him. Gerard lines up and Frank can feel the head nudging at his hole. Gerard looks down at him for permission and Frank nods. 

Gerard pushes in, so slowly, almost too slowly. “Breathe, Frank.” Frank breathes out. Again, he hadn’t known he’d been holding his breath. “Just breathe through it.” Gerard’s hand is on his belly, not moving, just there. It’s comforting and Frank breathes and then finally Gerard is in all the way. He’s buried balls-deep inside Frank and he leans down, covering Frank’s body with his and touching their foreheads together. “Just tell me when you’re ready.”

It takes Frank a little while to adjust to the intrusion. He pushes himself up on his elbows and rolls his neck and just _feels_. Gerard is not small by any means. Frank feels so full, but it’s the good kind of full. It’s uncomfortable, but it doesn’t hurt, not really. Franks breathes in and out two, three times and then nods. “Go,” he grunts out. “Move.”

Gerard pulls out slowly and pushes back in very carefully a few times, seemingly to make sure Frank is okay. He’s watching Frank’s face with the most intense concentration, as if it holds the clues to solving the mysteries of the universe. Eventually Frank can’t take it anymore and he shifts, pulling his hips back and pushing forward to meet Gerard’s thrusts. He groans when Gerard hits his prostate the first time.

“Yeah,” Gerard pants and smirks as he finds Frank’s sweet spot again, making him cry out. Gerard grabs Frank’s hips and pulls at them, pulling them up, he cants his own hips to get a deeper angle, and then he goes to town. At this angle he hits Frank right in that spot every time and increases the tempo of his thrusts to find a good rhythm. 

Frank falls back onto the bed and closes his eyes. He runs his hands up and down Gerard’s arms where they’re holding him up. “Mmmm, so good.”

Gerard leans down and kisses him. It can’t be a proper kiss with the way they’re moving, but Frank feels the kisses rain down all over his face and his head and in his hair. “Frankie,” Gerard grunts. “So fucking tight, Frankie.” He starts to speed up the tempo of his thrusts. “I love the way you feel all around me.”

Gerard pushes himself up on his arms more for more leverage. Suddenly Frank wants to come more than anything else in the world. He reaches down to stroke himself. He almost thinks he could come from just one touch alone, he’s so fucking hard right now, but he doesn’t. He’s not a teenager and he’s never been more glad of that than at this moment. He wants to make this last. He feels one of Gerard’s hands joining his own on his cock. It’s wet and Frank realizes Gerard spit in it. He rubs it all up and down Frank’s shaft and they are pumping Frank together and it feels like nothing else ever. 

Gerard’s thrusts in and out of his ass continue to speed up, the tempo becoming impossibly fast. Frank’s on fire- it feels like his whole body’s on fire. Gerard takes his hand off Frank’s dick and wraps it around his neck and Frank opens his eyes to see Gerard staring at him, his face and chest flushed bright red, sweat glistening all over his skin and Frank thinks the most gorgeous man to ever live is fucking him right now. He speeds up his strokes on his dick and his breath hitches. 

Gerard’s hand is still hot on his neck. “Come, Frank. Make yourself come for me.” Frank just stares into Gerard’s ridiculously beautiful face, his eyes flitting from his lust-blown eyes to his puffy, wet, red lips and the crimson flush over his cheeks and neck. He feels his muscles seize up, his whole body going taut, and he comes. He comes harder than he can ever remember, thinking surely he’ll black out from the force of it. 

Gerard’s hand leaves his neck and he leans down on his elbows again, all over Frank, still pumping inside him. Frank pants and moans. Gerard is all he can hear or see or smell or taste. He squeezes his eyes shut against it all- it’s all too much. Gerard’s thrusts start to stutter and his breathe catches. He makes a high pitched keening noise and his body goes still. Frank feels Gerard’s muscles tense and his dick pulsing inside him as he comes with a gasp, spilling his spunk into the condom, deep inside of Frank. He breathes Frank’s name over and over again, his face buried in Frank’s neck the entire time. 

It feels like they’ve been lying there panting for a year before Gerard catches his breath and pulls out. He gets rid of the condom then lies down with his head on Frank’s chest. His ear is directly over where Frank’s heart is beating so fast, he thinks it can probably be heard in the next apartment. 

They lie like that, their sweat cooling, Frank’s spunk growing sticky on their stomachs, just breathing together. Frank’s hand is on Gerard’s head, fingers not moving through his hair or anything, just resting there. Gerard’s fingers are on his hip drawing tiny circles for the longest time. Before Gerard gets up, he places soft, wet kisses on each of Frank’s hip bones. 

Frank wants to complain when Gerard leaves but finds that he can’t. He can’t make a sound. He feels boneless, like he’s liquid, like he’s floating. 

Eventually Gerard comes back with a glass of water and a wet washcloth, his chest cleaned of come. He uses the washcloth to wipe Frank’s spunk off his chest. He then gently pulls one of Frank’s legs up and to the side and wipes around his ass and thighs, cleaning up any leftover lube. Frank thinks that’s nice. He’s only let a few guys fuck him, and he can’t remember any of the others doing that for him. 

He looks at Gerard and smiles. “Hey,” he says, reaching for his hand. 

Gerard smiles back and says, “Hey. I brought you some water in case you’re thirsty. Sex always makes me super thirsty.”

Frank thinks about it and realizes that yeah, he is thirsty. It takes him a few tries to push himself up into a sitting position. Gerard gathers up the pillows and places them between Frank’s back and the headboard. Frank downs the glass of water all at once. After he sets it down, he puts his hands on Gerard’s face and pulls him close for a kiss. It’s slow and lazy and tender and Frank thinks he’s going to melt. He’s so sleepy. All he wants to do is close his eyes. He pulls out of the kiss and lies down, dragging Gerard with him and arranging them so that Gerard is spooning up behind him. He pulls the covers up over them both and burrows down into the soft comforter.

Gerard lets Frank put him wherever he wants him without a word. Once Frank is cocooned the way he wants to be, he feels Gerard’s lips hovering over his ear, his breath blowing over strands of his hair. Gerard whispers, “You’re good, then?”

Franks smiles and reaches back for Gerard’s hand, wrapping his arm tightly around his chest. “I’m perfect.”

*_*_* 

When Frank wakes up, before he even opens his eyes, his first thought is that he’s happy. What he knows right away is that someone is holding him. Strong arms are wrapped around him. Gerard’s arms. He feels Gerard’s breath on the back of his neck. He smiles to himself, his eyes still closed. He feels warm and safe and loved and happy. He doesn’t remember ever waking up feeling quite like this before.

Once he finally opens his eyes, his next thought is that he really needs to piss. He untangles himself from Gerard’s embrace and sits up, turning around to see that Gerard is awake and looking at him, his expression unreadable. “Hey,” Frank says softly as he reaches out to brush strands of Gerard’s hair off his forehead. “Hi.”

Gerard grabs Frank’s hand and tangles their fingers together. “Good morning.” He pulls Frank’s hand up to his mouth, kisses his fingers firmly, and smiles.

It’s like sunshine. Gerard’s smile is like sunshine in Frank’s bed and Frank just wants to crawl right back in bed and climb inside Gerard’s skin. But he really needs to pee. He leans down to plant a kiss on Gerard’s smile. “I gotta pee, I’ll be right back.”

Gerard squeezes his fingers slightly before dropping his hand and letting him go.

As Frank walks to the bathroom he can feel how sore he is. He hasn’t had sex like that in years and his body is protesting loudly. He feels good, though, really good. It’s the kind of soreness that will just remind him of how amazing the sex was so it’s actually kind of a nice thing. It’s like some kind of physical proof of what happened. Frank knows he had the best sex of his life last night because he can feel it in his ass every time he moves. 

While Frank’s in the bathroom, he brushes his teeth and washes his face. He feels much more human by the time he returns to the bedroom. As he crawls back in bed, sprawling face first on top of Gerard, it occurs to him that it’s kind of late for the dogs to not have gone out yet, but they’re not bothering him about it. “I can’t believe the dogs aren’t bugging me to take them out yet.”

Gerard wraps his arms around Frank’s back and pulls him close. “I took them out already.”

“You did?” 

“Yeah, I woke up early. Did you know this room gets a lot of light in the morning?” Gerard starts pushing Frank’s hair behind his ears. This is something he’s been doing a lot lately and Frank decides he likes it. “Anyway, they were up and I was up and you were so sound asleep, I didn’t want to wake you, so I took them out.” Frank’s not sure what his expression looks like, but something in his face prompts Gerard to add. “Just in front of the building. I picked up after them.”

Frank is kind of stunned. “Thank you.” He puts his hands up on Gerard’s cheeks and runs his fingernails around. Gerard blinks a few times. He seems to enjoy the sensation. “It was so nice to sleep in. I never get to do that. It’s no wonder I feel so good this morning.”

Gerard’s hands stop messing in his hair and run slowly down Frank’s shoulders and back. When they land on his ass, massaging and squeezing it, Frank gasps and shuts his eyes. Gerard asks, his voice low and sultry, “Do you feel good this morning?”

Frank lets his head fall down to Gerard’s chest and playfully bites as his collarbone as he answers, happily, “I do. I’m sore, but I feel really good.”

Gerard kisses the top of head and he whispers, “I’m glad.”

Frank snakes his arms up under Gerard’s shoulders, lays his head down on his chest and just listens to his heartbeat for a while. Gerard runs his fingers around, making tiny patterns on Frank’s ass. Frank’s starting to get hard, but he’s too lazy to do anything about it just yet.

After a few minutes Gerard’s hands stop moving. He palms at Franks ass cheeks and shifts his body a bit before asking, “Do you have any cigarettes in here?”

Frank nods and mumbles into Gerard’s chest, “In the bottom of the nightstand by the wall.”

Gerard moves and tries to reach over far enough to get them, but he can’t with Frank’s weight on top of him. “Frankie.”

Frank groans, “Okay, okay, fine. I’ll move.”

Gerard laughs. “It’s only for a second.” 

Frank lets himself fall off Gerard and lies on his side, his face still buried in Gerard’s chest as he reaches over him to grab the cigarettes and lighter from the shelf. Once he’s got them, he lies back down and Frank settles himself back on top of him. He closes his eyes again and listens to Gerard lighting up. “Want one?”

Frank shakes his head. “No, not yet.”

After Gerard smokes for a few minutes, Frank feels him pick up something from the nightstand. When he sets it down on his back, Frank can tell it’s a book. He turns his head and looks back to see that it’s an old volume of _The Umbrella Academy_. Gerard must have seen it and picked it up when he got the cigarettes. Frank totally forgot that he’d stacked all his volumes of the series on the floor there after he’d finished re-reading them a few nights ago. He kind of wants the mattress to swallow him whole right now. He plants his face back on Gerard’s chest, groaning quietly. He knows it can’t really be creepy for him to be rereading Gerard’s books when they’re boyfriends now, but he still feels silly. It makes it seem like he’s obsessed with Gerard or something, having his books all stacked by his bed like that, as if he can’t bear to sleep apart from them. Although, Frank supposes it’s really okay for him to be obsessed with his boyfriend, it just seems like a weird thing to do.

Gerard thumbs through the volume for a while before setting the book down on Frank’s back and reaching over to put his cigarette out in the ashtray on the nightstand. He taps the book against Frank’s back a few times. “You know, I’ve heard that the guy who writes these books is a really great lay.”

Frank snorts and lifts his head to lick Gerard’s nipple, making him jump. “Oh yeah, he’s _amazing_ in bed, I’ve heard.” He looks up at Gerard. “I heard he has a boyfriend, though, so he’s like totally not available.”

Gerard raises an eyebrow. “Oh really?”

Frank nods. “Yeah, and his boyfriend is like, really possessive.”

Gerard smiles. “Oh yeah, that’s right. I heard his boyfriend has this amazing ass that everyone wants. He must be a pretty lucky guy.”

Frank leans up and licks Gerard’s chin, making him giggle. “Hell yeah he is.”

Gerard’s expression changes, gets darker and wilder as he leans down to meet Frank’s mouth. “Fuck yeah, he’s a lucky bastard,” he pants out just before their mouths meet in a violent, searing kiss.

Frank feels the book slide off his back when Gerard lets go of it and hears it hit the floor, forgotten by its author in favor of the man on top of him.

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard isn’t really sure why Frank is nervous about having dinner at Mikey and Alicia’s. He’s trying to be as reassuring as possible, but it’s hard when he’s unable to relate to the nerves.

They’ve ended up basically spending the whole weekend together save for a short stint on Saturday afternoon when Frank had to work for a few hours and Gerard went home to get a change of clothes. Other than that, they’ve been pretty much constantly together for two days now and Gerard isn’t complaining. But he’s learning that Frank is kind of… weird… about some things.

For example, Frank loves the taste of come and he loves it when they come on each other. But it only takes a few minutes once it’s cooled for Frank to decide that come is suddenly disgusting and he wants it off his skin immediately, if not sooner.

Another thing is that Frank showers every single morning, even if he doesn’t smell bad and isn’t dirty. This isn’t exactly a problem for Gerard, but he really loves Frank’s natural scent, not the smell of soap. It takes a good four to six hours for the soap smell to wear off enough so that Frank smells like himself again.

Also, Frank likes to keep the temperature in his apartment entirely too warm. Gerard complains a couple of times, and Frank expresses his bewilderment at Gerard’s constant desire to be buried under layers of clothes. He says if Gerard would just take off his hoodie, he could be comfortable at the same temperature as normal people. Gerard tries to explain that his skin feels much safer under layers of fabric and doesn’t like being exposed. Frank just raises his eyebrows and says that unless Gerard is going to start paying his electric bill, the thermostat will not be set below 72 degrees in the summer. 

Frank has a lot of routines and he kind of can’t relax if he can’t do them the way he likes. Gerard totally gets this. He has a lot of routines, too. It’s just interesting to learn which routines are most important to Frank.

Frank doesn’t smoke as much as Gerard does, but he doesn’t seem to mind Gerard smoking a lot. He makes unattractive faces at overflowing ashtrays, though.

Also, Frank is nervous. He’s nervous about dinner tonight. He keeps saying it’s an excited kind of nervous, but it’s still there. It’s there in his jittery fingers and the way he’s holding himself tense in the car as Gerard navigates the drive thru of the bakery with the amazing lemon cream donuts by Mikey and Alicia’s house. As he sets the box of donuts down on Frank’s lap, he puts his hand firmly on Frank’s knee and squeezes. “Hey. You’re going to have to be still, or we’ll be bringing them donut pieces instead of whole donuts, okay?”

Frank nods and puts his hand on top of Gerard’s. “Yeah, okay.”

The driver of the car behind them honks and Gerard flips him off as he pulls forward. “You’ll get to see Pebbles again!” He suddenly realizes. Frank breaks a small smile as he mentions it. “I bet she’ll be so happy to see you.”

Frank snorts. “If she even remembers me.”

“Of course she’ll remember you! She has the biggest crush on you!”

Frank laughs. “The fuck are you talking about? Dogs don’t get crushes on people.”

“Sure they do. Pebbles totally has a crush on you, she told me.”

Frank raises an eyebrow and turns to look at Gerard. “Oh did she?”

Gerard nods. “She did.”

Frank turns back to look out the windshield. “You’re crazy,” he says fondly.

“Most definitely.” Gerard can’t argue with that. “But you’re with me, so what does that say about you?”

Frank snorts again. “That I like crazy hot guys.” He sighs and Gerard notices him shrugging his shoulders out of the corner of his eye. “I like crazy hot guys with intimidating brothers.”

They’ve just pulled onto Mikey and Alicia’s street and Gerard slows the car down, pulling over to the curb a few houses down from theirs. He puts the car in park and turns to look at Frank, who’s very steadily not looking at Gerard. “Is that what all this nervousness is about?”

Frank shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe.” He starts chewing on his thumbnail.

Gerard grabs his hand. “Hey… hey look at me.”

Frank does and he looks so unsure of himself that Gerard just wants to wrap him up in his arms and hold him and protect him from every upsetting feeling in the world. “Mikey’s your friend.”

Frank shakes his head. “I know, but he doesn’t… He didn’t want us together.”

“That’s not true-”

Frank interrupts him, “He tried to talk me out of it…” he waves his hand, “out of this. I don’t- he thinks I’m going to hurt you.”

Gerard puts a hand over Frank’s mouth silencing him. “No, Frank. He was just trying to protect me. That’s all.” Gerard can tell Frank wants to say something else, so he says, “Shhh.” When he’s sure that Frank is going to be still and listen, he takes his hand off his mouth and starts tucking stray strands of hair behind his ears. “Mikey thinks you’re awesome.”

“Maybe as a musician,” Frank mumbles.

Gerard cuts him off. “No, as a person.” He turns fully toward Frank now and pulls Frank’s left hand into his lap. “Mikey just cares a lot, okay? It comes out seeming really harsh sometimes, I know.” Gerard laughs a little bit to himself. “Believe me, I know. I’ve lived with it for 36 years now.” Frank’s eyes have wandered off to the side and Gerard touches his cheek so he’ll look at him again. “I think Mikey’s glad that we’re together, and I _know_ Alicia is. They care about us. They invited us over so that we can all spend time together because that’s what friends and families do.” He takes a deep breath and feels Frank mirror his actions, doing the same. “This isn’t going to be some kind of inquisition. We’re just hanging out, that’s all. It’s just Mikey and Alicia and Pebbles. We’re going to have dinner and talk and maybe play video games or watch a dumb movie. That’s all. It’s going to be nice. Easy.”

Gerard doesn’t know what else to say. He thinks he’s probably said enough though, because he sees some of the tension draining out of Frank’s shoulders as he lifts his eyes up hopefully and says, “Promise?”

Gerard swallows and hates himself a little bit because he knows he can’t promise that. Some variables are outside of his control. “I promise.” Frank seems satisfied because he turns and looks ahead again. Gerard puts the car back in drive and pulls forward, hoping desperately to himself that he hasn’t just lied to his boyfriend. 

*_*_*

It turns out that he didn’t lie at all. Gerard ends up being right about almost everything. Of course Pebbles remembers Frank. He spends the first five minutes after they arrive just petting her and playing with her.

Alicia made this amazing eggplant parmesan with soy cheese that Frank just raves about. Gerard can tell he’s being sincere, though. Watching Frank’s animated face as he talks about food and how his diet’s not nearly as limited as people would think it is, Gerard realizes that Frank is almost never insincere. If he is, it’s usually because he’s clearly joking about something. Being that genuine is a pretty amazing feat to pull off in this world. Gerard thinks if he was out in the world like Frank, trying to be all genuine and honest all the time, he’d probably go crazy. But Frank makes it look easy, like he doesn’t even have to think about it.

After dinner they end up watching The Princess Bride. They all know the whole thing by heart and spend a lot more time talking about the movie than actually watching it, but it’s okay. It’s fine, actually. It’s really nice. 

When the movie ends, they head back into the kitchen for donuts and dark chocolate cake that apparently has no dairy in it. Gerard makes a pot of regular coffee while Mikey sits with Frank at the table discussing possible posters for some special concert coming up that Frank’s band is going to be headlining. Gerard’s leaning against the counter, waiting for the coffee to finish brewing when Alicia comes over and bumps her hip gently against his. “You’ve been kinda quiet tonight.”

Gerard looks at Frank anxiously. “Is it bad?”

Alicia looks over at Frank, too, considering. She speaks softly. “No, I don’t think he cares.”

Gerard keeps his voice low to match Alicia’s. “He was really nervous about coming here.”

She seems surprised at this. “Really, how come?”

“He was afraid of Mikey. He thinks Mikey doesn’t want us together.”

“Aaaah.” A look of understanding dawns on Alicia’s face. “Yeah, well, he didn’t at first.”

Gerard shakes his head as he pours a cup of coffee and takes it over to Frank. Their fingers touch as he sets it down in front of him and Frank looks up and smiles. “Thank you,” he says and goes back to listening to Mikey rave about some new band he’s just started working with.

Gerard comes back to the counter and gets a cup of coffee for himself. Alicia watches Mikey talk for a minute and then leans into Gerard again. “Mikey doesn’t feel that way anymore. He said he told Frank that.”

“He probably did.” Gerard sighs. “Frank worries a lot, sometimes… sometimes I think he has like, selective hearing?”

Alicia laughs quietly.

“It is kind of cute,” Gerard has to admit. “But it bothers me, you know?” Alicia’s expression becomes more serious. “Not like… I mean it doesn’t make me angry or anything. I just...” Gerard scratches his head. “I just wish I knew how to help him relax. He has this restless energy all the time. It’s like there’s too much room in his brain and he can’t help but fill it with anxious thoughts.” Gerard takes a swallow of his coffee. “I just want to make that go away.”

“Hmmm.” Alicia looks thoughtful. “Well you might not be able to, you know?”

Gerard sighs. He does know. He knows people can’t really fix each other. 

Alicia continues. “It’s not like Frank’s miserable or anything. This might just be how he is. You have to decide if you’re okay with that.”

“I know.” 

Alicia snakes her arm around his waist and squeezes. “You make him happy, though. You know that, right?”

“I guess.” 

“No, really, Gee. I don’t know Frank as well as Mikey does, but he says he was never like this when he was with anyone else.” Alicia looks up at Gerard and gestures with her arm to emphasize. “Like, Mikey says Frank’s glowing, lately. He lights up when he talks about you.”

“Really?” Gerard didn’t know Frank before. He’s always known this Frank that seems to glow from a light within himself. 

“Yeah, really.” Alicia squeezes his waist again before letting go and turning to face him, her hip against the counter. “So maybe he worries, but he’s happy. He _likes_ you. So maybe that’s enough.”

Gerard knows she’s right. “Yeah, maybe it is.”

*_*_*

Frank startles Gerard when they’re driving home after they leave Mikey and Alicia’s house.

“I want to invite Ray and Christa over to have dinner with us,” he says a few minutes after they get into the car.

“What?” Gerard almost lets go of the steering wheel. 

“You heard me. I want to have them over some night. We can cook for them.”

Gerard’s glad there’s very little traffic because he’s suddenly finding it much harder to pay attention to the road. “I don’t-”

Frank interrupts him. “Listen.” He takes a deep breath. “Ray is basically the closest thing I have to a brother. And you guys were friends once upon a time, right?”

“Sort of.”

“Well, Ray really liked you anyway. Even if you didn’t notice him.” Frank sounds defensive. 

“It’s not that I didn’t notice him, I just…” Gerard really doesn’t want to be thinking about this right now. Thinking about Ray makes him think about Bert, and he absolutely _does not_ want to go there after the amazing weekend he’s just had with Frank.

“It doesn’t matter.” Frank waves him off. “Why don’t you want to?” His voice sounds just the tiniest bit hostile and that’s something Gerard has never heard before. His insides recoil from it and it makes him cringe. Frank keeps going, trying to hide how hard he’s working to keep his tone from rising. “It can be something really simple. They just come over one night, we eat and talk and maybe play a game and then that’s it. It’s no big deal. And Christa’s really sweet. You’ll like her and she’ll _love_ you.” 

Gerard isn’t sure how he feels about Frank using words so similar to his own from before dinner to argue against him. He doesn’t think he likes it. The message sounds the same, but it feels completely different from where he’s sitting now. Frank shifts in his seat and turns to pin him with a glare. “Well?”

Gerard sighs. He can’t do this. He needs to go home. He needs to get Frank home and then he needs to get himself home. He hasn’t worked all weekend and he needs to just… he doesn’t even know. “I don’t know.” He shrugs and waves his arm and says again a bit louder, “I don’t know, Frank. I just need-”

“What?” Frank cuts him off again abruptly, but then he takes a breath and his voice changes, softens. “What do you need?”

Gerard blows out a long stream of air and counts to five in his head. “I need time. I just need some time to get used to the idea.”

Frank seems to deflate. His frustration gone as quickly as it came. It’s a few minutes before he replies. “Okay, Gee.” He grabs for Gerard’s hand that’s not on the wheel and holds it. “Not forever, though, okay?”

Gerard breathes and feels his heart rate start to slow down. “Yeah, okay.”

\+ *_*_* +

Frank is a bit scared he that might have fucked up. 

He thinks about it as he walks his dogs down the street late Sunday night before bed. Gerard didn’t seem upset when he left. Any anxiety Frank might have caused him when they talked in the car seemed to be gone by the time they were kissing goodnight. They made out in Gerard’s car for a good ten minutes before Frank finally disentangled himself to get out and wave goodbye. 

Frank lights up a cigarette as he lets the dogs drag him with their leashes. They weren’t happy to be left alone all evening. Frank feels guilty so he doesn’t reprimand them for pulling him. He knows he didn’t pay enough attention to them this weekend with Gerard around. 

Frank takes a deep breath and thinks about why he was so nervous about going over to Mikey and Alicia’s house today. He’d been totally fine about it, excited actually. But then he realized that this would be Mikey’s first time seeing him and Gerard together and he started to question everything. What if he said the wrong thing or acted the wrong way? Mikey seemed to be okay with the two of them being together, but what if Frank did something tonight to make him change his mind?

Frank’s glad he ended up telling Gerard why he was nervous before they went in. He felt better knowing that Gerard was convinced everything would be fine. And then of course it was. Mikey was awesome, as always. Frank should have known he would be. And Alicia was as sweet as ever and they had a really nice time.

Then on the way home Frank started thinking about Ray and Christa, and how great it would be for them to get to know Gerard. Frank is certain that they would love Gerard if he just gave them a chance. But Frank blew it. He got all defensive and let his temper get away from him, and now he’s afraid he’s fucked up. He keeps accidentally pressuring Gerard with things and he needs to not do that. It’s just hard because so many things that don’t seem like a big deal for him are a big deal for Gerard. 

Frank knew it was going to be this way going in. He knew that. But when it’s just him and Gee and it’s so perfect and sweet and magical, he just… forgets. He forgets about all Gerard’s other shit. And that makes him feel like a jerk. He needs to not do that. He needs to not forget who Gerard is when he’s away from Frank. It’s not fair of him to put Gerard into Frank-centric box like that. He tells himself he will not do that anymore.

Still frustrated with himself, Frank puts out his cigarette and picks up after princess where she’s deposited a nice stinky, steaming pile of crap on the sidewalk. He tugs the leashes and turns around to drag the dogs back to his building.

When he gets inside he hears his phone vibrating where he left it on the kitchen counter, telling him he has a text message. He checks it before he starts setting up the coffee for tomorrow morning. It’s from Gerard.

_I already miss you._

Frank sighs. He’s still annoyed with himself, but he’s glad he apparently didn’t fuck up too badly. He texts back right away.

_I miss u 2. We’re insane._

Gerard texts back by the time Frank finishes with the coffee maker.

_Well we’re a perfect match, then. :) Goodnight._

*_*_*

Gerard surprises Frank with lunch on Tuesday, and again on Thursday. It becomes a routine for them. Frank never knows what days Gerard will come, but he shows up once or twice a week with something different each time. They almost always eat outside unless it’s raining; then they eat in the office or in the storage room in the kennel if they want some privacy. 

A few weeks after their dinner at Mikey and Alicia’s, Gerard brings soy cheese and veggie sandwiches that he made himself in an actual old-fashioned picnic basket. Frank laughs at the silly sentimentality of it, but Gerard’s isn’t offended. He’s used to Frank’s teasing by now. 

It’s early fall and the weather is getting cooler, but not so cool that they can’t sit outside and enjoy the sunshine. 

The sandwiches are actually amazingly good and Frank ends up going on about them more than he means to. Gerard’s smile is huge as they get into a discussion about the merits of regular mustard versus dijon mustard versus spicy mustard versus honey mustard, and whether or not it’s appropriate to ever use all four kinds together. The conversation is probably completely inane, but they’re both cracking up over it by the time they finish eating and it takes them a few minutes to catch their breath from laughing so much. 

Frank decides that Gerard has the best laugh because he’ll just let himself go with it. His face totally open, betraying nothing. He doesn’t hold anything back, just lets the joy spill out of him. Frank can’t figure out where Gerard gets all that joy from, he wants some of it for himself. He thinks he can have some if he just keeps spending enough time with Gerard. 

Eventually they calm down and Gerard’s expression grows serious. He scoots closer to Frank and starts rubbing his hands together anxiously. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something.” 

“Okay.” Frank waits.

Gerard turns his head to the side a bit. “Okay, so…” he takes a deep breath, “so I had this idea, well, Mikey sort of did, but that’s not really important.” Frank grabs at one of Gerard’s hands and holds onto it, encouraging him to go on. “So we were thinking that maybe,” Gerard looks at Frank, “you and I should go over to their house for dinner again and this time… maybe you could meet our mom.” 

Frank drops Gerard’s hand. Gerard cringes but goes on. “I know it’s really soon and all that, I just… I don’t know, I think you’d like her and I want you to meet her.”

Frank’s mind is reeling. Meet Gerard and Mikey’s mom? Their _mom_? He hasn’t said anything, but Gerard is saying “shhh” and rubbing his arm. “Okay, nevermind, it was a crazy idea. It’s too soon. Forget it.”

Frank interrupts him, “No, it’s fine. It’s fine.” Frank swallows. Gerard is holding his arm in a viselike grip as if he thinks that if he lets go, they’ll just fall right off the edge of the world. 

“Really?” Gerard’s voice comes out sounding strangled and oddly high-pitched. His breathing is shallow and he may be about to hyperventilate.

Frank attempts to calm them both by taking a deep breath before he speaks. “Yes, really,” he says firmly. “I mean, who says when it’s the right time in the relationship to meet parents, right? Like… we know we like each other, so why not?” Frank hopes this is more convincing to Gerard than it is to himself.

Gerard nods and loosens his grip on Frank’s arm slightly. “Right. Right, and it doesn’t have to mean anything serious, it’s like… like me introducing you to my friends, right? You already know Mikey, and I don’t really have any other close friends, so you get to meet my mom instead. And in return, you and I can have dinner with Ray and Christa.” 

Frank doesn’t say anything. He’s surprised. He’s been trying so hard to not nag Gerard about things, he’s kind of stopped expecting anything.

Gerard furrows his brow tightens his grip on Frank’s arm again. “I mean, if that’s okay with you.”

Frank feels his eyes widen when he realizes how Gerard interpreted his nonresponse. “No, no, it’s fine. It’s fine with me. That’s actually a really good idea. It makes total sense.”

“Yeah?”

Frank feels like he’s falling. He pushes the plate he dropped long ago out of the way and reaches his arms around Gerard. He pulls him close as they both come up to their knees, enveloping each other in a hug. Frank’s strains his neck, reaching up to whisper into Gerard’s ear, “I feel like we’re falling.”

Gerard shakes his head. “We’re not,” he whispers back. “And if we do, we’ll catch each other, so it’ll be okay. 

Still whispering, Frank says, “This feels so crazy.”

Frank feels Gerard smile against his cheek. “It _is_ crazy.” His voice sounds a bit stronger now, but it’s still breathy. “It’s nothing new, though, Frank. This is what love feels like.”

_  
Moonlight, be a friend tonight, we're all wrecked up on these dreams.  
Holding on a bit too tight, well, I've got splinters from these moonbeams.  
If it seems I'm falling down, if it seems we're falling through,  
Darling, you know that is nothing, you know that is nothing new._


	3. Strike the Demons 1

**Strike the Demons**

_  
You and me could build a bridge over every place that hurts.  
It’s time to tear the walls down hard because they never really work.  
And if the first words start to stumble and sound slightly out of tune,  
It’s the opening of hearts it is the closing of… The closing of the deepest wound._

Frank is drunk. Frank is so, so drunk. He just played one of the best shows of his life and now he’s drunker than he’s been in years. He keeps seeing Mikey’s blond head in the crowd, which makes him think of Gerard and then he almost feels guilty about being so drunk. But Gerard keeps saying he doesn’t care that Frank drinks and Frank thinks he’s telling the truth. So he doesn’t feel guilty. He just goes to the bar and downs another beer and then throws himself back into the pit. 

The band that plays after Strike the Demons is incredible. It’s a hardcore punk act with insanely fast guitar riffs and the vocalist has this deep, brooding sound. Frank just loses himself in the rhythm and jumps and throws his body around like there’s no tomorrow. The room is spinning and every time Frank feels like his face is about to meet the floor, he just bumps into someone else and keeps moving, like a perpetual motion machine. 

Once the hardcore band’s set finally ends, Frank makes his way over to the bar. He has to grab onto people’s arms and shoulders as he moves across the room so that he doesn’t fall down. He hopes no one minds. He’s soaked with sweat and he’s certain he stinks, but he feels amazing. There’s nowhere to sit down, so he just leans against the end of the bar and eventually gets the bartender’s attention. Then he makes the very adult decision of asking for water. 

He’s in the middle of guzzling a bottle of water when someone tall comes up behind him and plants his hands on Frank’s shoulders. He leans back, dripping water all over his chin and neck and sees that it’s Mikey peering down at him. “That set was crazy intense, man. You were on fire up there!”

Frank smiles as he finishes gulping his water. “Thanks, man, it felt so fucking good. I mean, it’s always good, but tonight was just insane!” Frank is aware that he’s slurring his words and he’s swaying.

Mikey steadies him and laughs. “Dude, how drunk _are_ you?”

Frank thinks about it for a moment, and then slurs, “I’m _really_ drunk.”

Mikey wraps an arm around Frank’s waist and pulls him over to one of the tables behind the bar that’s just been vacated. He pushes a basket of pretzels at Frank. “Here, eat these. I know you never eat before shows, you need something in your stomach.”

Frank complies and grins at Mikey while he munches lazily on the pretzels. “I want another beer.”

Mikey throws his hands up, feigning exasperation. “Frankie, you are out of control.”

“You have no _idea_.” Frank hits the table for emphasis. “I feel _incredible_.” He knows he’s speaking too loudly, but he doesn’t actually care- he feels too good. “You know, I think it’s Gee.” He really does think that, too. Gerard is a pretty positive person to be around most of the time and Frank feels like he’s been more optimistic lately just from all the time they’ve been spending together. 

Mikey’s mouth twitches and he raises an eyebrow. “Could be.”

“Mikey.” Frank looks at Mikey for a long moment and suddenly realizes something. “Mikey, I’m in love with him.” 

Mikey snorts and pats Frank’s arm. “I know that, Frank.”

Frank shakes his head and the room spins a bit, so he grabs onto Mikey’s hand to steady himself. “No, no, no, no, no. I mean I really love him, not just… It’s not just that I love fucking him, although I love that, too. I mean, I love him, like… he’s _so_ good to me. And he’s so fucking smart and sweet and he’s such a good kisser.” Frank trails off thinking about that and then he realizes Mikey’s giving him an odd expression. 

“You should tell him that.”

Frank’s nodding before he remembers that kind of action is just not a good idea for him right now. “I will, I will, I just…” As the room stops spinning he realizes he needs to ask Mikey about something. Suddenly it feels really important, but Frank can’t remember exactly what or how to say it. He can’t find the words he needs.

Mikey sighs and gets a resigned look on his face. “What is it, Frank?”

Frank just goes for it. “I don’t treat him like shit, you know?”

Mikey raises one eyebrow and looks really bewildered. “Okay?”

“I mean I tease him and stuff, because I’m an asshole sometimes, but really I try to make him happy.” Frank can hear his voice beginning to sound hysterical, and he’s helpless to stop it. “I’m a fucking good boyfriend!”

“Frank!” Mikey shushes him and scoots closer. “What is _wrong_? I know how happy you’re making Gerard. He knows you’re a good boyfriend.”

Frank pouts for a minute, staring at the table, before his brain finally acknowledges what’s really bothering him and he spits it out. “His douchebag ex boyfriend got to be in his house and I don’t get to, but I’m the one who _loves_ him.” He stares up at Mikey, imploringly. “He shouldn’t be scared of me, Mikes. Can’t you make him see that?”

Mikey sighs and puts his palm on Frank’s cheek. “Oh, Frank.”

Frank lets himself lean into the touch. He knows he shouldn’t still be so fixated on this, especially not after yesterday. Gerard was so sweet with the picnic basket and the sandwiches and the invitation to meet his mom. “I’m sorry it’s just _bothering_ me. I just want to know all of him, you know?”

“I know,” Mikey replies sadly. “You know it has nothing to do with him being scared of you.”

“Well, what is it, then?”

Mikey lets his hand drop. “Honestly, I think he’s just scared of himself.”

“I don’t…” Frank closes his eyes and tries to make that make sense. “That makes no sense.”

“No, it doesn’t.” Mikey taps the table for minute, like he’s gathering his thoughts. “Gerard’s weird about keeping parts of himself private. Like, he’s weird about sharing his work.” He pauses and looks around as if what he’s trying to say might just appear in the air. “He likes you so much, I think it overwhelms him? You know? And so he needs to be able to go home without you so he can like, think and breathe and shit.”

Once again, Mikey manages to get through the drunken fog surrounding Frank’s brain. He seems more sure of what he’s saying as he continues, “So yeah, so he needs to be able to go home and be by himself. I mean, he needs to be by himself _a lot_. He’s always been weird like that.”

“That’s not weird,” Frank argues immediately. “I totally get that.”

“Well, okay then, that’s good.” Mikey gets up as the bartender shouts out last call. “I’ll be right back.”

When he returns, he has a beer for himself, more water for Frank and another basket of pretzels. Frank hadn’t even realized he’d finished eating all the ones in the first basket. He must have been really fucking hungry.

Frank’s halfway through drinking the bottle of water when Mikey starts talking again. “Did you know that Gerard and Bert were together for over a year before he brought Bert home?”

Frank raises his eyebrows and swallows. “I did not know that. Why… Why did he wait so long?”

Mikey shrugs. “Bert just wasn’t really interested. It was easier for him to have Gerard come to his house all the time, so he probably never even thought about it.” 

Frank is stunned. Not interested? How could anyone be not interested in seeing the home of the person they love? “Didn’t he want to see Gerard’s work?”

Mikey takes a swallow of his beer and wipes his mouth. “Oh, well, that was back when Gerard was still working at The Cartoon Network and his place was pretty small, so he wasn’t really able to do a lot of big projects like he does now.” Mikey cocks his head to the side, trying to remember. “Gerard always has his sketchbook with him, so I’m sure Bert just saw so many of his drawings that he figured that was enough. Things actually got harder for them once Gerard left The Cartoon Network and started working for himself.”

“That seems odd.” Frank is bewildered. “How were things harder?”

“Well, Gee was able to focus a lot more on his art then. He just wasn’t able to cater to Bert like he had in the past. He’s much happier in his career this way and he loves the freedom, but…” Mikey trails off, thinking. “It’s hard on relationships, being with someone who never stops creating. Gerard’s imagination, it just… it never really stops. Sometimes when he’s quiet, I think he’s writing comics in his head.”

That makes Frank smile because he knows it’s true. Sometimes when Gerard just stares into space for a while, Frank will ask him what he’s thinking about and it’s almost never something he expects. His brain tends to wander off on these tangents. It’s really amazing and really… beautiful. Frank sighs. “I don’t want to wait a year to see Gee’s home.”

Mikey drains the last of his beer and smiles. “You won’t have to. Gerard’s pretty fucking sure of you, Frank. I think it’s just taking him some time to get used to the idea that you really care so much.” He pauses and seems to carefully consider his next words. “It’s been a long time since anyone gave a shit about my brother like you do. Once he can accept that, he’ll take you home. And it won’t take a year, I’m sure of that.” 

Frank feels only slightly mollified. He finishes his water and continues munching on his pretzels quietly. He’s sobering up. 

Mikey perks up a bit, like he’s just thought of something. “You know, Gerard never once invited Bert to have dinner with our mom.”

“Really?” Frank scratches his head. “Even though they were together so long?”

“Yeah, I mean… they met a couple times. Like, if she came out for a special showcase or something, you know, to support one of the bands I was working with. But there was never any ‘family dinner’ or anything.” Mikey turns to look Frank dead in the face, his expression serious, but not unhappy. “Bert was really nothing like you at all, Frank. I have no doubt that he loved Gerard a lot, but they were never meant to last… You’re like… You guys are like made for each other or some shit.” Frank feels pinned by the intensity in Mikey’s eyes. He can’t eat any more pretzels, his throat is suddenly dry. He can’t speak. And Mikey doesn’t stop talking. “I think Gerard would have stayed with Bert forever if they could have made it work. But it ended horribly and all these years since then, he figured he was better off alone. I don’t think it ever occurred to him that he could actually do _better_ than Bert. Until now.”

Frank blinks. Of course Gerard can do better than Bert. Gerard _deserves_ better than that. Frank thinks all this but all that comes out is, “Gerard is so amazing.” He has to stop talking after that or he’s afraid he might cry. When did he become such an emotional drunk?

Mikey laughs fondly at Frank. “Yeah, he is. I’m just glad he’s finally found someone who gets that.” He shakes his head, smirking, and stands up, putting his arm around Frank’s waist and pulls him to standing. “Come on, Frankie, let’s get you home.”

*_*_*

So Frank’s decided that Donna Way is basically the coolest woman in the history of ever. 

It was a little bit disconcerting when he first arrived at Mikey’s house on Friday night and she immediately grabbed him up into a bone-crushing hug. He still finds himself blushing each time he catches her looking at him with a glassy eyed expression of fondness, as if he’s the sweetest, most perfect friend that Mikey and Gerard have ever introduced her to. But who knows? Maybe he is. 

Aside from that, though, she’s nothing but awesome. She is a bit intimidating to look at with her white blonde hair and long fingernails, years of stress etched in lines all over her face. But it doesn’t take long, listening to her talk, to realize that she’s incredibly smart and funny and loves her sons more than anything in the world. Frank understands now why it was so important to Gerard that Frank meet her. It’s clear that Gerard and Mikey are really close with Donna (as she insisted he call her) and their relationship is definitely much more like a friendship than a typical mother-and-sons relationship.

One of the first things that Frank learns about Donna is that she doesn’t cook. Apparently, she never ceases to be amazed by Alicia’s cooking. Alicia finds this hilarious because she typically only cooks when they have company. She keeps pulling Frank aside throughout the night, giving him little tidbits of information about Donna, as if this is Frank’s Donna Way initiation and she needs to give him hints to help him understand. Alicia has him cracking up when she kicks Donna out of the kitchen after dinner when she offers to help do dishes, whispering in Frank’s ear that she learned the hard way that if she wants to keep her dishes in one piece, she’s best off washing them herself. 

Frank tries to stay in the kitchen to help Alicia clean up, but she won’t let him. As soon as the coffee is done brewing, she pushes him into the living room, where there’s a heated debate going on between Gerard and Mikey about the merits of different kinds of fake blood in horror movies. Frank comes in with the coffee pot and four mugs and sets them down on the coffee table. 

As soon as Frank sits down and starts pouring the coffee, Donna asks him, “What do you think, Frankie?” She’s been calling him Frankie since he got here. He doesn’t mind exactly, it’s just not something he’s used to from people he’s just met.

Frank doesn’t really have to think about this, it’s an old debate for him. “I’ve always been most fond of the corn-syrup and food coloring recipe.”

Donna nods and smiles at him. She puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it, before she lights up one for herself. Frank sits back into the couch and feels Gerard’s arm come around his waist, clutching at his hip loosely. Frank feels a little weird about the familiarity of the touch, but he supposes it’s not like they’re full-on making out in front of Gerard’s mom. 

She doesn’t even seem to notice, though, as she says, “So, Frankie, the boys tell me you’re a musician?”

“Yes, I play guitar and sing a little bit.” Gerard starts rubbing Frank’s lower back gently.

Mikey pipes up. “Frank’s band is awesome. He’s an amazing guitarist and does way more than just sing ‘a little bit’.”

Frank feels himself start to blush. “It’s no big deal, it’s just something to do on weekends, just for fun.”

Donna sits forward. “I’d love to see your band play sometime. What’s it called?”

Frank begins to answer but Mikey speaks before he can. “It’s called Strike the Demons, and actually, there’s a pretty big show coming up next month on Frank’s birthday, four of the most popular bands in Jersey are playing! You should come, Gerard too.” He nods meaningfully toward Gerard.

Frank feels Gerard’s hand still on his back. “When’s your birthday?” He asks.

Mikey cuts Frank off again. “It’s on Halloween! How awesome is that?”

“Oh, of course.” Gerard grabs Frank’s hands to look at his knuckles. He pulls Frank’s cigarette out from between his fingers and shows his knuckles to Donna, who’s leaning over to look at them. Gerard shakes his head. “I can’t believe I never thought to ask about that before. I just figured you like Halloween a lot.”

Frank shrugs and tucks his hands back into his lap after Donna’s done looking at his knuckle tattoos. “I guess birthdays just haven’t come up yet. And I _do_ love Halloween, not just because it’s my birthday.” Frank grins at Gerard, but he still looks unhappy with himself, so Frank puts a hand on his thigh and turns to mouth at him, ‘It’s okay’ where his mom won’t be able to see it.

“Well I’ll definitely be there,” Donna says brightly. She doesn’t say anything about Gerard going, but she does give him a pointed look. 

For the first time in the evening, the atmosphere almost feels uncomfortable. But then Donna finally stops glaring at Gerard and asks Frank, “What are the letters on your second knuckles? I can’t make out what they spell.”

Frank leans over to show her the bookworm letters and that prompts a discussion about favorite books. There are no more uncomfortable moments, but Frank can’t help but notice that Gerard stays pretty quiet for the rest of the night. 

After gorging himself on an amazing apple pie that Alicia made, Frank finds that he doesn’t want to leave. They take forever saying goodnight. Even after Mikey and Alicia have said their goodbyes and closed the door, Frank and Donna linger in the driveway talking for another fifteen minutes. Finally, Gerard says he has a headache and really needs to go lay down. There’s another bone crushing hug before Frank sees Donna to her car and waves goodbye as she pulls away.

Before they get in the car, Frank stops Gerard from getting into the driver’s seat with a hand on his arm. “I’m sorry you have a headache. Do you want me to drive?”

Gerard looks at frank with a small smirk and ducks his head a little bit. “I don’t have a headache.”

“Oh.” Franks snorts and gives Gerard a saucy grin. “Just couldn’t wait any longer to have me to yourself, huh?”

“Yeah, that about says it perfectly,” Gerard says as he gets into the car.

Gerard starts driving, but when they get to the end of Mikey and Alicia’s street, he stops the car and just sits for a minute, staring straight ahead. 

“Gerard?” Frank pats his hand where it’s rested on the gear shift. 

Gerard shakes himself. “I’m just sitting here thinking… I could turn left and take us home to your house, or I could turn right and take us home to my house, but then I keep thinking about the dogs being all alone for so long.”

Frank doesn’t even have to think about it before he says quickly. “They’ll be fine, the dogs will be fine.”

Gerard turns to look at him, concern etched on his face. “You think so? They’ve been alone all evening. They probably need to go out. I don’t want them to have any accidents.”

Frank’s shaking his head vigorously. “They’ve been alone longer than this tons of times. They can hold it, and if they don’t I’ll clean it up later.”

Gerard gives a small smile. “Are you sure?” He squeezes Frank’s hand.

Frank gives him a look that tries to communicate that he’s been sure for about fifteen years and to remind him that it’s been Gerard who wasn’t ready. “Turn right and fucking take me home! Your home!”

Gerard laughs. And takes Frank home. 

*_*_*

Gerard’s house is amazing.

Mikey wasn’t exaggerating when he said it was basically an art studio that Gerard lives in. As soon as Frank walks into the front hall and Gerard turns on the light, he can see a room filled with art. He makes a beeline for the door and flips on all the lights before Gerard can stop him. Frank vaguely feels Gerard come up behind him and pull his jacket off, but he’s looking around too excitedly to notice or care much. 

It doesn’t take long for Frank to figure out that the rooms that were likely originally intended to be the living room in the front of the house and the family room in the back of the house have been turned into gorgeous art studios. They’re both big and open and bright; filled with so many things that Frank doesn’t know where to look first. There are easels with partially finished paintings on them, and finished paintings clipped to wires hanging on the walls, and tables piled high with papers, art books, and paint brushes. Frank walks back and forth between the two rooms, examining all the art he can find, oil paintings and watercolors and ink drawings and charcoal sketches…

Gerard is standing between the two rooms watching Frank with a thoughtful expression. He finally follows Frank into the back studio where he keeps returning to a painting of Pebbles with wings. It is an unbelievably perfect likeness of her and Frank is in awe. Gerard stands next to him and considers the painting for a moment. It takes Frank a little while to figure out that the light surrounding the top of Pebbles’ head in the painting is coming from nowhere because it’s supposed to be a halo. Gerard has painted Pebbles as a dog-angel. “I love this,” Frank says and he’s aware that his tone sounds downright reverent. If he were with anyone else he’d be embarrassed at having that reaction to a painting of a dog. Not with Gerard, though. Gerard may _say_ he’s not a dog person, but Frank thinks he’s wrong. Gerard understands dogs just as well as anyone. Frank has decided that Gerard is one of those people who’ve been deprived of interaction with dogs for much of their lives so they don’t have a chance to realize that they’re dog people until they’re older. 

Lost in thought, Frank suddenly realizes that Gerard’s talking to him, standing right beside him and murmuring in his ear, “I’m glad you like it.” 

He takes Frank’s arm and turns him around. “I chose this house because of all the natural light.” He points up at the ceiling and Frank looks up to see multiple skylights. “Both studios have them and the way the house is situated, it’s perfect for me to have lots of natural sunlight in the front studio in the morning and in the back studio in the afternoon. Once I realized that, I was sold on this place.”

Frank smiles and goes back to examining a table piled high with pens and pencils, notebooks and sketchbooks. Gerard takes his hand and pulls him into the hallway between the two rooms where he gestures toward massive walk-in closets on each side. “I had these custom built for all my supplies. I’m pretty bad about keeping everything in them organized, though.” Gerard shrugs. 

Frank starts to rifle through piles of every kind of paper known to man, but Gerard pulls him away again and into another room. “Kitchen,” Gerard says, walking through. By the light over the stove, Frank can see that Gerard has a card table where a normal kitchen table should be. Then he’s following Gerard into another room, much smaller than the studios, where there’s just enough space for a deep, comfortable looking couch with massive cushions, a coffee table, and an entertainment center. “I think this was probably supposed to be a home office or something, but I use it as my living room. I honestly don’t spend a ton of time in here, but it’s nice to have a place to just hang out sometimes.” 

Gerard looks around for a moment, seemingly assessing the room in his head, before he picks a pack of cigarettes up off an end table and lights one for himself. He offers one to Frank who takes it gladly, letting Gerard light it for him. Frank doesn’t know what to say. He’s reminded of the fact that Gerard can probably count on one hand all the people who’ve seen this much of his house. Suddenly Frank feels incredibly special and realizes what a big fucking deal this is for Gerard. 

Frank smiles at him and takes his hand, squeezes it once, and then turns back toward the kitchen. When he does, he sees a sliding glass door that he assumes must lead out into the back yard. He walks to the door and flips up the wall switch next to it, which turns on the outside light, flooding Gerard’s massive backyard with light.

“Damn, Gee, your yard is fucking huge!”

Gerard comes up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and hooking his chin over Frank’s shoulder. “The people who lived here before had kids and dogs. They loved having such a big yard and they took really good care of it. All I have to do is pay a kid who lives up the street to mow the lawn for me every couple weeks and it just looks nice always.”

Frank peers out into the yard further and notices a large wooden fence, at least six feet tall, spanning the edges of the entire yard. “Is this yard totally fenced in?”

He feels Gerard nod. “Yeah, that was for the dogs, I guess.”

“Gee, you should totally get a dog! You have the perfect yard for it!” Frank flails his arm in his excitement, sending cigarette ash skittering to the floor. “Sorry.”

Gerard just laughs. “It’s fine, and I don’t think I really need a dog of my own.” He tightens his right arm around Frank’s waist and reaches with his left to flip the light switch off. “I have my hands full just from spoiling your dogs and Pebbles.” Gerard takes a drag off his cigarette, then buries his face in Frank’s neck and hums. “You want to see upstairs?”

Frank’s chest feels tight and warm and his mouth is dry, but he manages to get out. “I do.” Gerard turns them around and walks them back into the front foyer to the stairs. As they pass through the kitchen again, Frank sees some dishes piled in the sink and papers on the card table, but otherwise it just looks clean and well lived-in. 

As they walk into the foyer, Frank notices a room opposite the front studio. He figures he must have missed it when he came in because he was so excited about seeing Gerard’s art. There’s a chandelier hanging down in the center of the room, making Frank think it was probably supposed to be the dining room. There’s no table, though, just piles of bags and boxes and books strewn out all over the floor. Gerard watches Frank as he looks at the room. Gerard dips his head down and raises his shoulders a little bit, gesturing at the room. “I don’t need a dining room for anything. I just call that the ‘stuff’ room. You know? It’s where everything that doesn’t really have a place goes.”

Frank scratches his head and smiles a little at Gerard’s awkward turtle look. “Or you know you could just find a place for all that stuff to go and put it away.”

Gerard considers this. After a moment, he shakes his head. “Why would I waste time doing that when I can just leave the stuff in the stuff room?”

Frank laughs. “What do you do when the stuff room is full?”

Gerard twists his mouth a little bit, thinking. “Well, that’s only happened a couple of times and usually it doesn’t take me long to make more space because I discover that half the stuff in there is old and I don’t need it anymore, so I just throw it away.” He waves his hand holding the cigarette, seemingly pleased with his explanation. 

Frank can’t think of any argument for this. It doesn’t matter, though, because Gerard takes his hand again and leads him up the stairs. “How long have you lived in this house?”

“About six years.”

When they get upstairs, they’re in a short hallway. They pass a bathroom and a closet, before Gerard opens a door near the end and flips on the light inside. “This is my office.” The room has a computer, writing desk, bookcase, filing cabinet and other things that one would expect to find in the office of someone who works from home. “It’s not very exciting.”

Gerard switches off the light and turns Frank toward the last door in the hallway. “And this is my room.” It’s another large, open, airy room with skylights. Frank looks up at them when he comes into the room. “They actually drive me crazy,” Gerard says as he walks over by the bed to turn on a lamp. “Too much light comes through in the mornings when I’m still trying to sleep. I got these shades installed between the panes of glass, though, so I can close them with a remote before I go to bed. I have regular blackout curtains for the windows.”

Frank sits down on the bed and looks around, sucking a drag off the cigarette he’d almost forgotten he was holding. The house as a whole isn’t as messy as he would have expected based on what he’s been told about Gerard’s cleaning habits. However, Frank’s never found Gerard to be dirty like he’d expected from what he’s heard people say about his personal hygiene, either. Perhaps the two go together. Either Gerard gets a bad rap that was never earned, or he’s become cleaner recently. Frank doesn’t care which one it is, he’s glad for it either way. His eyes roam around the room again and he decides he can handle piles of clothes and CDs and books. He could live without the overflowing ashtrays and garbage cans with piles of crumpled up paper surrounding them. Nothing smells bad, though, and Frank counts that as a win. 

Noticing the ashtray and seeing Gerard put out his cigarette makes him realize he still has a cigarette dangling from his fingers. He hands it to Gerard to put out and then runs his fingers over the dark purple comforter he’s sitting on. It feels smooth and clean, and as he turns around to see brown sheets peeking out from underneath it, he doesn’t see any dirt or crumbs from eating in bed or anything like that at all. Actually, what he notices is that Gerard’s bed smells like him. 

Frank’s eyes flicker up to Gerard, still standing by the lamp, watching him, gauging his reaction to the house. Before Frank thinks about what he’s doing, he kicks his shoes off and lies back on the bed. He rolls over onto his stomach, burying his face in the blankets and inhaling deeply. He can faintly smell fabric softener under a scent that is distinctly _Gerard_ : a little bit cigarette smoke; some charcoal and paint and pencil lead; and something musky- a smell that’s Gerard’s alone. “Your bed smells fucking amazing,” Frank murmurs. “Come here.” He leans on his side and shuffles over to the far edge of the bed making room for Gerard and extends his arm, beckoning him to lie down. “I really like your house.” 

“Yeah?” Gerard looks unsure as he gets settled on the bed. He appears much younger than his 39 years in the low lamplight.

“Yeah,” Frank assures him. His voice comes out sounding husky. He clears his throat. “I can see that it’s like… your sanctuary. It’s really calm and peaceful here.” He lays his head back on the pillows and looks up at where there’s a mural painted on one side of the high sloped ceiling. “I’m not always so calm and peaceful, I can see now why…” Gerard puts his hand on Frank’s face, his eyes growing concerned, but Frank keeps going. “I can see why you maybe didn’t want me here. I know I can be… loud…and unpredictable and just… a lot to take sometimes.”

Gerard puts the pad of his thumb over Frank’s mouth. “It was too quiet. I don’t… I didn’t realize it, but it’s been too quiet, for a long time now.” He shakes his head and shifts closer on the bed, placing both his hands on Frank’s face. “I want you here. I want you making noise in my house.” He runs his hand over the hair falling on the side of Frank’s face and traces the outer shell of his ear with his fingertips. “I guess it can be boring sometimes, always knowing what to expect.” He pauses and looks at Frank very intently, like he’s trying to figure something out. “You surprise me. I don’t always know what to expect from you, but it’s okay. It’s not scary, it’s exciting. I like it and I want it to stay. I want you to stay in… my life.”

Nodding, Frank says, “I’ll stay.” He grabs at Gerard’s hand and twines their fingers together. “I’m staying, not going anywhere.” He pulls Gerard’s hand to his mouth and slowly kisses it, planting his lips on each finger in turn before looking up to find Gerard’s eyes on his, soft and tender, but intense and hungry at the same time.

When they kiss it’s like time has stopped, as if everything in the world has stopped except for them in this moment, in this place. Frank imagines that his heart has stopped beating and all he’s sure of is the most overwhelming feeling of love that he’s ever known in his life. Just this knowing, knowing for certain that he’s finally with a person he’ll never get tired of, never have to be afraid of, never have to hide things from. He has no reservations, no questions, he just wants. He wants everything.

When Frank pulls out of the kiss he’s panting. “Gerard,” he breathes. “Gerard, I…”

Gerard’s fingers are running in small circles on his checks and neck and he shivers. Gerard whispers, “What is it, Frankie?”

“You… you just…” Frank is lost. He’s falling again, he doesn’t know what he was saying. He isn’t sure of anything except Gerard’s face and Gerard’s body. He’s with Gerard and that means he’s safe and loved and that’s all that matters. Finally he sighs and laughs at himself for being at a loss for words. “Just come here.”

Gerard smiles back at him fondly and moves closer, fitting his body to Frank’s, and kisses him again. Frank gets lost in the sensation. All that’s real is this, this, this, and now, now, now. Gerard shifts his hips against Frank’s and Frank can feel how hard he is. He shudders and pushes his groin up into Gerard’s, causing him to throw his head back and gasp. “Need you, Frankie, now.”

Frank doesn’t waste any time. He pulls Gerard’s shirt and sweatshirt off and turns them, so that Gerard is lying on his back. Frank straddles Gerard’s hips and looks down at him. He runs his hands from Gerard’s soft, white belly up over his chest, littered sparsely with hair, and up to his neck. Gerard arches back, closing his eyes against the sensation and Frank gets lost looking at that beautiful pale, long neck. He needs to mar it. He needs to interrupt that flow of perfect white skin, the blue and green veins just visible beneath it. Frank leans down, turns his head slightly to the side and latches on. He feels Gerard’s whole body jerk underneath him when he sinks his teeth down and hears him say, “Fuck, Frankie!” as he starts to suck. 

Gerard is writhing underneath him by the time he’s done, and he’s sure he’s sucked longer than is strictly necessary, but Gerard is just so fucking delicious that Frank can’t help himself. 

He finally lets go and leans back to look down at his handiwork. The hickey will be glorious, Frank can already tell. The bruise will stand out in stark relief against the pale skin, and even though no one else will ever really see it or know who made it, Frank doesn’t care. He’s marked Gerard and that’s enough for him. He leans down and places his face next to Gerard’s ear and licks into it. He feels Gerard shudder as he practically growls, “Mine.”

Gerard swallows and whispers, “Yours.” He’s panting and trembling below Frank now and Frank smiles to himself as he slithers down Gerard’s body, stopping to lick a long stripe up over his left nipple. His fingers tweak Gerard’s right nipple while he works over the left with his tongue and teeth. Soon Gerard’s writhing and gasping disintegrates into mumbling swear words of every kind. He tugs at Frank’s hair, pulling his head up, and says, “Wait, wait, I’m going to come in my pants in a minute, just…” He swallows and leans his head back, closing his eyes and catching his breath. He looks amazing, sweaty and coming undone under Frank like this. 

Frank sits up and grinds his hips over Gerard’s, making him squeal. “Yeah.” He skirts his fingers down Gerard’s belly and watches as goose bumps form on the sweaty skin and Gerard jerks beneath him. “Fuck yeah.” Then he’s undoing Gerard’s pants and underwear and pulling them down and off along with his shoes. He pulls his own shirt off before crawling back up the bed and settling himself between Gerard’s legs. Leaning down to suck on Gerard’s stomach for a few minutes, he breathes in deeply, memorizing the smell of Gerard’s arousal. It’s intoxicating, and Frank can’t wait any longer- he needs to taste. 

At first he takes just the head of Gerard’s dick and licks around it, tasting and savoring the precome on his tongue. Then he goes down, taking Gerard in as far as he can and squeezing around the base with his hand over the part he can’t quite fit into his mouth.

He pulls off to take a deep breath and goes down again, a little further this time as he relaxes his throat and hums. Gerard jerks up under him and Frank presses a hand on his hip to still him. After pulling back and going down a third time, he gets a steady up-and-down rhythm going and works his fingers over Gerard’s balls. He massages and pulls on them gently while he sucks Gerard’s dick. Then he pulls his mouth of Gerard’s cock and moves down to taste his balls. He licks at them, enjoying the texture, and takes them into his mouth, suckling carefully, while he strokes Gerard’s length with his hand, running his thumb slowly and firmly over the vein on the bottom.

When Frank pulls his face away from Gerard’s groin, he has only one thing in mind. He needs to taste Gerard, needs to taste him in the dirtiest way. He sits back and pushes at Gerard’s hip. “Gee, turn. Turn over.” 

Gerard looks at him questioningly, but complies, turning over onto his stomach. Once he does, Frank runs his fingers over his thighs and pushes them apart gently. He rubs his thumbs up and down the crack of his ass before leaning down and whispering into his ear, “I want to taste you, okay?” Gerard nods in response and spreads his thighs more of his own volition. 

When Frank goes down again, he doesn’t waste any time, but firmly pulls Gerard’s ass cheeks apart and then he sees it. Gerard’s hole, quivering in anticipation and just waiting for him. Leaning down, he flattens his tongue over it, licking the whole area as his hands massage Gerard’s ass. Running his tongue around the outside of the entrance, he feels Gerard shudder underneath him and backs off. He lets Gerard’s ass cheeks fall back together and hears him make a whimpering complaining sound. 

Frank laughs as he goes back down to lick Gerard’s left ass cheek. He licks at it over and over again and then, without warning, he bites, taking a big mouthful of flesh and gnawing at it gently. He’s not really even making a hickey, he just feels like he wants to eat Gerard alive. Gerard starts making a high-pitched shrieking noise in response to having his ass bitten and Frank holds onto him with his teeth for as long as he can stand it. 

When he lets go, Gerard breathes out harshly and shouts, “Fuck, Frank! Holy mother of all fuck!” That seems to be all he can say because then he just buries his face back in the pillow and brings his knees up on the bed, spreading his legs even farther apart and shaking his ass, beckoning for Frank to bring his mouth back. 

Frank does. He pulls Gerard’s ass cheeks apart and plants his tongue right into his hole. He darts it in and pushes, then pulls back and pushes in again, working in a little bit deeper each time. Finally, he manages to get in deep enough to get past the tight outer ring of muscle and he feels Gerard go lax, like all the fight has been pushed out of him. Frank is able to work his tongue all the way in now until his teeth are right up against Gerard’s skin. He circles his tongue around several times before setting up a rhythm, working the tiny muscle in and out of Gerard’s asshole with as much force as he can muster.

Going this hard, he knows he’ll get tired quickly, so he doesn’t wait to snake his hand around to jerk Gerard off. He moves his hand in time with his tongue’s thrusts in and out of Gerard’s ass. Gerard is moving his hips along with Frank’s ministrations, whining in the back of his throat and saying Frank’s name over and over again. 

Frank loves this part. He loves the taste, yes, but more than that, he loves the way it feels when Gerard just completely falls apart underneath him. When he completely lets go and gives in to Frank, lets Frank make him feel good and get him off. Frank loves that power, the control. But it’s that Gerard just lets him take control, that’s what feels so damn good. 

His tongue is starting to get really tired now, so he speeds up his strokes on Gerard’s dick and it’s not long before he feels the movement in Gerard’s hips start to stutter, and then his whole body seizes up. The muscles all clench and the whining sounds from Gerard’s throat cease and then he’s breathing out harshly as he’s coming. He comes all over Frank’s hand and his own belly and the bed. Frank licks once, twice more at Gerard’s ass, over the bite mark he made and then lets Gerard roll over so that he can stroke him through the aftershocks. Once Gerard comes down completely, Frank brings his hand to his mouth and licks the come off as he watches Gerard basking in the afterglow. 

Gerard’s still breathing unevenly when he opens his eyes and looks at Frank with an awed expression. “No one… ever…” he draws a shaky breath and tries again, “not like that… Not like you.” He swallows. “Never anyone else like you, Frank.” Before Frank has a chance to react, Gerard is reaching up for him and pulling him down onto the bed. He lays Frank flat on his back and fumbles a bit with his jeans and underwear, pulling them off as quickly as he can.

Gerard settles himself with his face over Frank’s stomach, his hands clutching at each of his hips. He nuzzles his faces in Frank’s pubes and inhales deeply. Soon he’s licking all over his hips and belly and the crease in his thighs and then his mouth is finally on Frank’s cock. “I won’t last.” Frank blurts out as Gerard takes him all the way in, deep into his throat, until his nose is buried in the hairs at the base. 

Frank tangles his hands in Gerard’s hair as he sucks on and off and settles into a rhythm. After a minute Gerard loosens his grip on Frank’s thighs and suddenly pulls back so that just the head is in his mouth. He looks at Frank and Frank knows. He can read what that look means and so he grasps Gerard’s hair even tighter in his fingers and goes to town, jerking his hips up and holding Gerard’s head in place. Pushing his cock up into Gerard’s mouth, Frank fucks his face like there’s no tomorrow. Gerard periodically hums around him and he feels himself coming undone.

Frank wasn’t kidding when he said he wouldn’t last. It doesn’t take very long of Gerard opening up and letting Frank use his face before he feels the tightening in his groin. He loosens his grasp on Gerard’s head, but Gerard doesn’t pull off. Instead, he lowers down as Frank’s dick starts to pulse and he comes, shaking and shuddering on the bed. He comes right down Gerard’s throat and Gerard continues swallowing over his sensitive dick until he thinks he might die from the stimulation. 

Finally Gerard pulls off and crawls up the bed to fall beside Frank. He takes Frank’s hand in his and their fingers tangle as they catch their breath together.

After a while, Frank turns on his side and looks at Gerard who’s looking back at him. His pupils are completely blown with lust and he looks sated. His mouth is wet and shiny, hanging slightly open. Frank reaches up and runs his fingers over Gerard’s pink lips. He slowly whispers, “So fucking pretty.” And Gerard smiles before he reaches for Frank’s face and brings him close to kiss him delicately.

When Gerard pulls back from the kiss, he says quietly, “I love you, Frankie.”

Frank feels his heart skip a beat and climb up into his throat, but it’s only because he’s happy. He doesn’t hesitate to respond because he knows it’s true. “I love you, too.” He kisses Gerard’s forehead and puts his lips to his ear, whispering like it’s a secret, or as if he just wants to make sure he hears, “I love you.”

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard isn’t used to having someone else in his bed. He doesn’t really understand why it feels like such a problem, though, because it’s Frank and he’s used to sleeping with Frank. 

Frank had fallen asleep almost immediately after Gerard sucked him off. Gerard could tell the whole night that he was exhausted from working all week and then having dinner with the family. He almost feels guilty for dragging Frank over here when he knew he was so tired, but Frank just looked so sure in the car and Gerard knew it was the right time. If he’s honest with himself, he knows he might have chickened out if they hadn’t come tonight.

Frank is snoring softly. Gerard knows all he has to do is push him over onto his side to make him stop, but he doesn’t bother. He simply isn’t sleeping anyway. He’s staring up through the skylights at the stars and the moonlight as it cuts across the room in sharp angles. Frank looks angelic in this light, despite the snores. Gerard wants to touch his face, but he’s learned that Frank’s a light sleeper and he’d wake up. He’d go right back to sleep, but Gerard won’t do that to him; it isn’t nice, no-matter how much he wants to touch.

Gerard isn’t used to having someone else in his bed, but he doesn’t think that’s why he can’t sleep. His mind is full of fast moving thoughts that won’t slow down or stop chasing each other around. He doesn’t get like this very often and when he does, he can usually invent a story in his mind to solve all the problems. He’s tried that a couple of times tonight, writing a story for Frank and himself in his mind, wherein somehow Frank forgets about wanting Gerard to hang out with his friends or come to his shows. The stories keep ending abruptly, though, when thoughts of real life and real Frank come crashing back in and Gerard knows that this story can’t have a happy ending. He’s resigned himself to it.

Gerard feels irredeemably guilty because he must be leading Frank on since he doesn’t expect this to end well. Only he’s not leading Frank on, not really, not at all, because he loves Frank. But he’s sure Frank won’t be able to accept the way things have to be for him. He’s certain of it, but he’s going to do everything he can to be good for Frank. He just has to be sure that if their story truly doesn’t have a happy ending, at least he’ll know he did everything he could to love Frank the best he can in his own way. 

Gerard feels terribly melancholy once he’s thought through of all this. He needs to get up. He needs to get out of this dark room. He gets up and pulls on a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt he finds on the floor and goes down to the kitchen. 

Flipping on the light, he picks up his cigarettes from the table and sits down to smoke as he looks around the room and considers his house. He’s been keeping it neater since he met Frank. He supposes Frank’s been a good influence on him in that way. Once he finishes smoking, he decides to tackle the dishes in the sink. He noticed Frank looking at them when they walked through earlier and he figures he might as well get them cleared away before they have to come back in here for breakfast. 

Gerard rinses the bits of leftover food and mold off the plates and cups and bowls and carefully loads them into the dishwasher. Doing this makes him think of how Frank has a specific way that he likes to load his dishwasher, so Gerard isn’t allowed to help him do it. Gerard is allowed to rinse the dishes, but then he has to hand them to Frank to put in their proper place in the dishwasher. He smiles thinking about this and can almost see how the dogs all stand by the sink after meals, hoping they’ll be allowed to lick off whatever food is left on the plates before they get washed.

The dogs. Gerard looks at the clock. It’s nearly 4 AM and the dogs have been alone since Gerard picked Frank up at his apartment at six. Ten hours they’ve been alone, they must be going crazy. Gerard knows that they’re sometimes alone that long when Frank’s working, but that’s during the day. And Frank stays out late for a lot of his shows, but from the timestamps on his ‘thinking of you, goodnight’ post show texts, Gerard knows he’s always home by now. 

Gerard finishes loading the dishwasher and makes a decision. He quietly walks back upstairs and finds Frank still sleeping soundly. Grabbing his and Frank’s keys and a sweatshirt, he slips his shoes on and quickly heads out to the car. Before he pulls out of the driveway, he sends Frank a quick text so he won’t freak out in case he wakes up before Gerard gets back.

The drive to Frank’s house only takes about fifteen minutes in the middle of the night with no traffic. Gerard drives in silence without any music on. It’s just himself and his thoughts. He can still see the moon, it makes the night seem bright as it hovers, getting ever closer to the horizon. It’s huge tonight and Gerard wonders how close they are to the harvest moon. 

He double parks in front of Frank’s building. It takes a few tries before he finds the right key for the front door. Then he fumbles more once he gets to the apartment door. The dogs start barking immediately upon hearing the noise and Gerard gets the sense that they were sleeping just inside, waiting for Frank to come home. Cursing their barking and hoping they don’t wake any of the neighbors, Gerard finally gets the lock open. He gets inside and the dogs are on him at once. They don’t seem bothered that he isn’t Frank. Gerard figures they’re happy to see anyone at all. As he reaches for their leashes from the hook on the wall, it occurs to him that while he’s here, he could get a change of clothes for Frank for in the morning. 

He finds Frank’s re-usable grocery bags on the hook in the kitchen and takes one into his bedroom. He gets pants, a shirt, a hoodie, socks and underwear. He doesn’t bother with a toothbrush or razor, because he has lots of extras of those at his house. But he notices Frank’s phone charger on the nightstand and grabs it. Frank’s battery sucks at holding a charge and Gerard’s charger won’t fit Frank’s phone. He also picks up Frank’s sunglasses from the table by the door and drops them in the bag in case it’s sunny in the morning. The dogs have been following him around the apartment, sniffing at his heels the whole time he’s been gathering things up, and Gerard realizes that they surely must need to go out very badly by now. He’s walked all around and hasn’t noticed a single accident. “Good dogs,” he says fondly.

Now convinced he’s got everything Frank might need, Gerard hooks the dogs to their leashes and is about to leave, when he remembers that they eat breakfast in the mornings. He’s stocked his kitchen with plenty of food for Frank, but he doesn’t have any dog food. When he was planning for the eventuality of Frank coming over and spending the night, he hadn’t been thinking about a dog sleepover. He knows where the dog food is, though, so he goes back into the kitchen and fills a zip-lock bag with kibble for in the morning. 

Once that’s done, and they’re finally ready to go, dog food bag safely in Frank’s reusable shopping bag on one arm and three leashed animals on the other, Gerard heads out. He remembers to lock the door behind him and is relieved that the dogs stay quiet as he walks them down the hall, even as they’re pulling urgently on their leashes in their haste to get outside. 

All three dogs pee immediately and Gerard feels certain that he’s made the right decision in coming to get them. There’s no way they could have held it all night without having an accident. Gerard remembered to pull a couple of bags out of the table drawer as he was leaving, so he’s equipped to pick up after them all before they leave. He finds it interesting that none of them hesitate to get in when he opens his car door. It’s like they know he’s taking them to Frank. The car probably smells like Frank. They all three settle in together in the backseat for the drive, occasionally sitting up to look out the window and watch the world as it goes by. 

Gerard has a temporary moment of panic when he lets the dogs into his house and is about to take off their leashes. His house is in no way dog proofed and there’s likely to be countless toxins in his art supplies that could seriously hurt them if they got too curious. Luckily, both studios have double doors that close and lock. So, before he lets the dogs off their leashes, he closes and locks the doors to the studios, the ‘stuff’ room (God only knows what all could be in there), and the office upstairs, and then finally unleashes them outside the door to his bedroom. He doesn’t think he has anything too dangerous in any of his piles on the floor in here. He drops the bag with Frank’s stuff in it by the door and kicks off his shoes as the dogs take off to explore the room.

They must have been able to smell Frank since coming into the house, Gerard thinks, as they waste no time before jumping up onto the bed to nuzzle and lick at him until he jerks awake and says, “huh?” Gerard sits down on the bed and turns on the lamp so Frank can see where he is and not be freaked out by this unusual turn of events. He seems to move toward Gerard instinctively while rubbing at his eyes. “What?” he says and yawns, turning to look at Gerard with sleepy eyes. “I’m at your house.”

Gerard nods and pushes Frank’s hair, slightly damp from sleep sweat, off his face. “Yeah, still here.”

Frank looks utterly confused and it’s adorable. “Why are my dogs here?”

“I went and got them while you were asleep.”

“Oh… why?”

“Because it was so late and they’d been alone so long.” Gerard shrugs. “I couldn’t sleep anyway.”

Frank is absentmindedly petting the dogs, but he looks at Gerard, concern in his eyes. “You need to sleep, Gee. It’s going to be morning soon.”

“I know.” Gerard yawns as he pulls off his sweatshirt before turning off the lamp and lying down. He’s finally starting to feel tired enough that he thinks he really will be able to fall asleep this time.

Frank tugs on his arm, pulling him down onto the bed next to him. “C’mon, sleep with me,” he murmurs into Gerard’s shoulder. 

Gerard smiles to himself. Frank is just far too adorable when he’s not really awake. 

It takes the dogs a little while to settle down, being in an unusual place. Gerard feels them get on and off the bed several times, sniffing around the room in different places before returning to find spots on the bed to curl up against either Frank or Gerard. Eventually, they settle in and soon Gerard hears their soft doggie snores. Frank isn’t snoring anymore, as he’s curled over on his side now with his face in Gerard’s neck. He fell back to sleep almost immediately once Gerard lay down beside him. Gerard listens to him breathe and looks up through the skylights where the sky is just beginning to lighten; streaks of lighter blue spring across it, ushering in the dawn. He reaches for his remote control and presses the button for the shades to close. Once they’re closed, he shuts his eyes and finally sleeps.

\+ *_*_* +

Frank wakes up to dogs licking his face and he’s immediately confused. It’s not unusual for the dogs to wake him up like this when he’s at home but… He tentatively opens his eyes to see that he is indeed in Gerard’s bed, in his room, at his house. But as he lifts his head, he can see that all three of his dogs are on the bed with him and Gerard. He looks over and finds Gerard still asleep. His eyelashes cast light shadows over the purple skin under his eyes, and Frank begins to remember. He remembers waking up in the middle of the night to the dogs licking him and Gerard saying that he went to get them while Frank slept.

He drops his head back on the pillow. Gerard went to get his dogs while he was sleeping. He got up in the middle of the night and drove across town to get them so that they wouldn’t have to be alone and wouldn’t pee or shit in Frank’s apartment. 

Frank’s mouth suddenly feels dry. He swallows and turns to look at Gerard sleeping. Frank can tell it’s daytime by the light streaming in from the edges of the curtains, but it’s still pretty dark in the room with the black-out curtains and skylight shades shutting out the sun. He can’t see Gerard well in the darkness, but it’s enough to see how beautiful he is. His breathing is even but shallow. Frank’s noticed that for some reason he breathes like that just before he’s about to wake up. Frank has never thought that Gerard looked his age, and right now he looks especially young. In the dim light, his skin appears extra pale in contrast to the strands of artificially dark hair falling over his face. Frank thinks he looks ethereal, but he can’t help the morbid thought that he also looks corpse-like from crossing his mind. 

The dogs are getting restless. They keep standing up and walking around on the bed, then sitting down again, only to get up and walk around some more. Frank doesn’t know how long he stares at Gerard’s face in wonder, but eventually he can’t ignore the dogs any longer. He’s not sure how late it is, but it’s got to be mid morning by now for them to be so anxious to get up when they were just let out in the middle of the night. 

He finally drags his gaze away from Gerard and gets up to find his clothes. He pulls on his jeans and t-shirt before heading downstairs with the dogs trailing behind him. He loves that he doesn’t have to bother with leashing them up or anything, just opens the back door and lets them out to roam around for as long as they want. 

When he turns back to the kitchen, he sees that Gerard did the dishes at some point during the night. He also notices the coffee maker and decides to go ahead and start brewing a pot. Once that’s done, he heads back upstairs. Gerard is shifting around a little on the bed, but doesn’t appear to be fully awake yet, so Frank goes to bathroom and splashes some water on his face before coming back into the bedroom. He opens the curtain on one window part-way to let in some light and sits back down on the bed.

Gerard rolls over onto his back when Frank’s weight hits the bed and opens his eyes. “Hey,” he croaks out, and then clears his throat.

Frank says, “Hey” and grabs at Gerard’s hand as he lies down on his belly next to him. “You got my dogs.”

Gerard nods and smiles.

“They didn’t mind coming with you?”

“Nope.” He shakes his head. “Where are they now?”

“I put them out in the yard.” Frank shifts over, so that he’s laying half on top of Gerard. “So hey, I think this makes you, like, boyfriend of the year material now or something.”

Gerard laughs. “Whatever, it’s no big deal. I couldn’t sleep anyway.” He gestures toward the door. “I brought you some clean clothes, too. They’re in that bag by the door.” 

Frank looks behind him at the bag and then turns back to Gerard who’s yawning adorably. When he’s done yawning, he just smiles at Frank. His face is completely open and unguarded. It occurs to Frank that not very many people get to see Gerard’s face like this. He’s spent enough time with him now to know that his expression is almost always holding something back, hiding something of his thoughts safely away behind the invisible wall that he’s built around himself. 

Frank places a hand on Gerard’s cheek, his voice filled with wonder as he asks, “How are you real?”

Gerard covers Frank’s hand with his own. “I’m as real as you. Best lover I’ve ever had.”

Frank feels himself blush at that declaration. “Really?”

“Yes.”

Frank is silent for a moment, considering this. Gerard’s eyes never leave his face. “But that’s just… sex is easy, but with you it’s… it’s all the other stuff you do for me that you don’t have to do. The food and the gifts and always driving since I don’t like to, and taking care of the dogs and just being so damn thoughtful all the time. Why do you do all that?”

Gerard doesn’t even blink when he says, “Because I love you,” like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

For some reason this frustrates Frank. “I know that, I mean…” He sighs. He’s not sure why he’s agitated. “I know you love me, but I didn’t… I don’t do anything to deserve this.” Suddenly he can’t bear to look at Gerard’s beautiful guileless eyes anymore. He drops his head down to his chest and rests it there, shutting his eyes. “You just do all these nice things for me and I can’t even begin to know how to make it up to you.”

“Frank.” Gerard is rubbing his hand over the top of Frank’s head and shushing him now. “You don’t ever have to make it up to me, not ever.” Gerard puts his fingers gently under Frank’s chin and forces his head up so that he’ll look at him. “Do you understand?”

Frank shakes his head. “I don’t.”

Gerard strokes his cheek. “If I did all those things for you expecting you to do something for me in return, that wouldn’t be love. It would be some kind of transaction or arrangement or something.” Gerard blows out a long stream of air. “Love isn’t an exchange. When you love someone, you do nice things for them just because you can. You do it to make their lives easier, to make them happy. That’s all.” Gerard brings both of his hands around to the back of Frank’s neck and squeezes the base of his skull gently. “I do nice things for you because I want you to be happy. Honestly, I don’t really even have to think about it and I would _never_ expect you to do something in return. You don’t have to pay me back or try to keep things even. There’s no keeping score in love.” He massages Frank’s neck. “Maybe some people keep score in their relationships and call it love, but it’s not. That’s not us. We aren’t going to work that way, okay?”

Frank finds himself nodding and he rests his head back on Gerard’s chest. Sighing as Gerard moves his neck massage down to Frank’s shoulders, kneading into them and releasing all the tension he has stored there. Gerard keeps talking, more softly, less intense now. “I just love you, okay? Can that be enough? Is that okay?”

Frank can’t help it as a tear falls from his left eye. How has he lived so long to never know that love can feel like this, is maybe _supposed_ to be like this. He lifts his head to look at Gerard, not caring that he’ll see the tear track on his cheek. “Yeah, that’s okay. I just love you, too, though, okay?” Gerard nods and starts pulling Frank closer and leaning down so that their foreheads touch. “I love you like that, too.”

It’s barely audible, but Frank can hear it when Gerard says, “I know, Frankie. I know.”

*_*_*

Gerard insists on making breakfast for Frank. Frank isn’t allowed to help with anything. Frank is stunned by Gerard’s thoughtfulness once again when he looks around the pantry and fridge and finds all kinds of foods that he’s sure were purchased for him. There’s soy milk and soy cheeses in the fridge, as well as veggie bacon. In the pantry he finds his favorite cereal, and the all-natural brand of pop tarts that he likes. 

The dogs are crunching happily away on their dog food that Gerard thought to bring over for them and Frank’s munching on a pop tart while Gerard makes pancakes. “I’ve actually decided I like that brand of pop tarts better then the regular ones,” Gerard says as he uses a fork to push at a slice of veggie bacon he’s got frying on the stove. “This bacon is so weird, there’s not really any grease, so it doesn’t pop or anything as it cooks.”

Frank laughs. “No grease is good for you, less cholesterol and saturated fat this way.”

Gerard makes a face and grumbles, “Less taste.”

Frank is still laughing to himself as he sits down at the table. “So, why do you have a card table instead of a real kitchen table?”

Gerard shrugs. “The card table works fine. I always figured I’d get a regular table eventually. I didn’t have enough space for one in my old apartment.” Gerard comes over to the table and sets a plate of pancakes and veggie bacon in front of Frank. “Do you want orange juice?” Frank nods and takes a bite of the delicious faux bacon. 

When Gerard comes back to the table, he has a plate for himself and a glass of juice for Frank. He’s also brought over the coffee pot with the remains of what Frank made earlier. “So anyway,” Gerard says. “I never got a table because this one works well enough and I guess I’ve always had more important things to spend my money on.”

Frank considers this as he chews and swallows. “But it’s not like you really have to choose, I mean… I mean it isn’t like you can’t afford a table… I mean if you wanted one, right?”

Gerard smiles. “Right. I do pretty well financially. If I really wanted a table, I could get one.”

Frank’s not sure why he’s relieved, but he is. He doesn’t want to think about Gerard having to struggle in order to do the job he loves. Frank figures he does enough financial struggling for the both of them. 

Gerard knocks his hand into Frank’s and says, “Don’t worry, I can afford to keep you in your crazy ass expensive fake food.”

“Hey!” Frank feigns indignation. “It’s all healthier for you, and less cruel to animals! It’s worth it and I can buy my own food, thank you very much.” Frank nods and pouts.

Gerard grins. “It’s not a problem. I honestly don’t mind at all, I was just _teasing_ you.” Frank sticks his tongue out at Gerard who laughs and says, “Aha! You can dish it out, but you can’t take it!”

Frank smirks and goes back to eating his yummy breakfast and starts thinking more about Gerard’s work. “So, do you ever do commissions, or do you just make what you want and then try to sell it.”

Gerard takes a swallow of coffee. “I do a little of both. I get a pretty steady stream of commissions to fill my time, but I also don’t tend to have much trouble selling the stuff I come up with on my own.”

Frank sips his orange juice as a thought occurs to him. “How do you show your work?”

Picking up a pack of cigarettes, Gerard fishes one out as he answers, “Mostly online, through my website, but if a buyer really wants to see the piece in person, I have a couple of galleries that will do private showings for me.”

“Okay, but what about with commissions? What if the buyer wants to see a piece while you’re working on it.” 

Gerard takes a long drag off the cigarette he’s just lit and tosses the pack to Frank before he answers. “I have my standard policy stated on my website. Before commissioned pieces are completed, buyers will only be able to see pictures.” He leans forward to light Frank’s cigarette. “They have to sign off on that agreement before I start the piece.”

Breathing in a mouthful of nicotine and tobacco, Frank considers this. “So you take most of your commissions through your website?”

Gerard nods. 

“And when the piece is complete, do you just send it to the buyer? What if they don’t like it?”

“If there’s any chance of that, I use a gallery, do a private showing.” 

Frank pours the last bit of the coffee from the pot into his cup. “That sounds like an awful lot of trouble to go to just to keep from having customers in your work space.” 

Gerard shrugs. “It works for me.” He continues to smoke casually and gives Frank a smile that tells him he’s thoroughly unfazed by Frank’s mini inquisition.

As he finishes his cigarette, Frank thinks of something else. “Do you ever do public gallery shows?”

“I have in the past, when I’ve done themed collections and felt that simply displaying them online wouldn’t do them justice.” Gerard sips his coffee and adds, “I didn’t actually attend the shows, though.”

Frank blanches. “Seriously? Galleries are willing to hold shows even if the artist won’t attend them?”

Gerard grins. “They wouldn’t for just anyone. I didn’t even try it until after the second Umbrella Academy was released.” He finishes his cigarette and stabs it out on his plate. “The first two books did so well that my name was starting to get big in some art circles on the East coast. A good friend of mine from art school runs a gallery in New York. I was able to convince him to take a chance on my work and do the show. It went really well, so we did it again a couple years later.”

Frank sits back in his chair. “Wow.” He’s really impressed. “That’s pretty impressive.” Gerard simply shrugs and stands up to start collecting the dishes from the table. Frank watches him as he goes and feels a little smug. “So my boyfriend is some kind of famous artistic genius and I didn’t even know it.”

Gerard laughs. “I don’t know if I’d go _that_ far.”

Standing up, Frank comes over to Gerard and wraps his arms around his waist. “And here I thought you were just cool because you write comic books.”

Gerard brings his arms around Frank’s back. “Honestly, of all the work I do, those books are the most important to me.”

Laughing, Frank nuzzles up into Gerard’s neck. “Nerd,” he says.

Gerard giggles as his hands wander down to grasp at Frank’s ass. “You know it.”

“Dork,” Frank says as he licks at Gerard’s earlobe. 

“You love me.” 

“I do.”

\+ *_*_* +

It only took about fifteen minutes of Gerard being with Ray again for him to realize he was being ridiculous. It all made sense in his mind before, the idea that being around Ray would make him think of Bert and upset him. While it’s true, he is thinking of Bert some, it’s really not that much at all because Ray was never really even _friends_ with Bert. He just happened to know a lot of the same people and frequently ended up at a lot of the same shows and parties. Ray _is_ friends with Frank, though. And boy does he have a lot of stories about him.

He’s telling one now, during dinner. He’s very animated, with his hair flopping around as he speaks. “So it had been like twenty minutes of Frank going on and on in his spiel about how cruel it is to keep elephants in the circus and this dude is just getting madder and madder by the second. His face is like bright red, and I swear I could see steam coming out of his ears until finally, the guy just dumps his entire bucket of popcorn on Frank’s head. It was hilarious! You should have seen his face.”

Frank looks nonplussed where he’s sitting next to Ray at the dinner table. “I didn’t know his dad worked for Barnum and Bailey!” He gestures expansively. “How the fuck was I supposed to know that?”

Ray keeps going. “The dude was like, crazy passionate too!” He waves his hand for emphasis. “He started talking about how happy those circuses make kids and how the elephants are treated like royalty-”

Frank cuts in, putting his hand on Christa’s arm where she’s seated next to him. “Which we know is bullshit, by the way.”

“And Frank just keeps arguing with the dude,” Ray goes on. “Even with a head full of popcorn, until the guy stands up and he’s like eight fucking feet tall. When he started cracking his knuckles, we just ran, just booked it right out of there.”

Frank is rolling his eyes and laughing at himself. “I was nineteen, man. I’m a lot more careful now about who I spout off to. I’ve kind of learned the hard way.” He laughs a little longer and goes back to eating.

Gerard notices that both Ray and Christa’s plates are empty. He jumps up. “You guys want more stir fry?”

“Yes, please,” they both answer, nodding. Gerard goes to the counter to refill their plates and thinks about cooking with Frank. Gerard came over to Frank’s house early this afternoon and they made the tofu stir fry together. They had both watched each other cook before, but this was the first time they ever tried actually making something together. It was… interesting. Frank is kind of particular about his cooking methods. Whereas Gerard has a tendency to just throw things together and hope for the best, Frank is hyper vigilant about following recipes exactly. He has his way of doing things, and a couple of times, Gerard had to throw his arms up and give in or risk getting sliced by an energetic Frank wielding a chopping knife. They ended up deciding that in Frank’s kitchen, they cook his way and they can cook Gerard’s way at his house. Once they’d come to this conclusion, any kitchen knife related injury crises were averted and the cooking went much more smoothly.

Christa and Frank are discussing the stir fry recipe. “You said you just found this on cooks.com?” she asks.

“Yeah, it was just this generic stir fry recipe that’s great because it can be used with any type of meat or… nonmeat, or just vegetables. I really like it with tofu, I like the texture,” Frank explains.

“It’s really good. I’ll have to get the recipe from you so I can make it myself some time,” Christa says.

Frank looks quite pleased with himself. “I’ll email it to you.”

Christa smiles and thanks Gerard for the plate of food he’s just set in front of her, then turns her head to the side, noticing something. “Oh, Frank!” she exclaims. “You have rainbows!” She jumps up and goes over to a place on the wall where light rainbows are hovering. She turns around and looks toward the window across the room. “It’s from your suncatchers.” She seems delighted. 

Frank grins, looking sheepish. “Yeah, always in the evening around sunset, the light comes in just right and shines through them.”

Gerard looks at the wall where dozens of rainbows shimmer and turns back to look at the window over the sink. There are six tiny crystals hanging from suction cups in the window. The sun shining through them catches the prisms and is now throwing rainbows all over the opposite wall of Frank’s kitchen. He walks to the sink and touches the crystals gently, making the rainbows dance as the suncatchers move. “I never even noticed this before.” He shakes his head. “I mean, I’ve seen the crystals, but I never knew about the rainbows.”

Frank gets up from the table and walks over to Gerard and leans his hip against him, wrapping his arm around his waist. “Maybe we just haven’t ever been in the kitchen at this time. They only last for about fifteen minutes.”

Ray pipes up. “Christa always notices things like that.” He smiles at her and she blushes as she sits back down to finish eating. “Little things, that’s what you always notice,” he says to her.

Gerard feels slightly out of sorts. He feels like he should notice something like rainbows in Frank’s kitchen. He sighs, “I never notice anything.”

Frank squeezes his waist and admonishes him, his eyebrows pulling together. “That’s not true. You notice things.”

“I don’t know. It’s okay, I mean… I guess it’s just not me. I don’t notice things like that.” Gerard scratches his head. “I think I’m more of a big picture person?” He tries his best to school his expression so Frank won’t think he’s being self-deprecating again. 

Christa turns to look at them and shrugs. “I’m just a detail person, I think. I just…” She waves her hand. “I’m always trying to remind myself to look for the joy in simple things, ordinary things; like rainbows from suncatchers and delicious recipes, dinner with friends, coffee. You know? Things like that.” She shrugs again and turns around.

Ray turns to look over her shoulder, giving Frank and Gerard a look that clearly says, ‘Isn’t she amazing?!?!’

Frank can’t seem to help himself as he bursts out laughing. Christa pretends not to know what it’s about. And Gerard just squeezes Frank’s waist tightly, grinning at him and leaning his head down to playfully rub their noses together. “Speaking of coffee, I believe we should make some to go with these delicious looking cookies you guys brought.”

Frank gives Gerard one last squeeze and then lets go to start fixing the coffee. Gerard watches him prepare it and his eyes keep landing on Frank’s hands: on the ink spreading over them, telling stories about what’s important to him; the nails covered in a matte, dark purple polish; the calluses from guitar playing. Frank’s hands aren’t really extraordinary in the grand scheme of things, but Gerard thinks they’re beautiful. Then he thinks maybe he does notice details after all. 

\+ *_*_* +

Frank closes his eyes and thinks about his heartbeat. It’s very slow right now and he’s calm. It’s strange because Frank is almost never calm, even in his dreams, but right now he is. Gerard’s fingers are resting lightly in his palm, it tickles when he runs his nails around inside Frank’s hand. With his eyes closed and only thinking about that, the movement feels huge, even though Frank knows it’s tiny.

Frank feels the wind brush lightly over his bangs and hears Gerard say, “Feel the breeze?”

Frank nods, but then realizes Gee might have his eyes closed too, so he says, “yup.”

The two of them are lying on the ground in the park. It’s evening and it’s going to start getting dark soon, but Frank had figured this would be the best time to come since there’d be fewer people. There were only a couple of children left on the playground, so they’d walked to the far end of the field to let the dogs off their leashes. What had originally started out as an expedition for the dogs quickly turned into a field day for Frank when he’d seen that someone had recently raked all the fallen leaves from the trees into piles. He’d jumped into the nearest one as soon as he was close enough and rolled around, laughing until he was out of breath. Gerard had been smoking a cigarette when they’d arrived at the park. After standing and watching Frank be a fool for a good three minutes, he finished his cigarette and lay down on the ground next to him. 

Frank had started to relax when Gerard shushed him because he wanted to listen to the geese that were flying across the sky. He’d pointed up so that Frank would see the flock of Canada geese flying in a massive V formation. When they’d stopped talking, they could hear the geese honking. Then Frank had closed his eyes and found himself letting go, letting the calm of the cool twilight wash over him.

Gerard shifts a bit closer to Frank, likely trying to ward off the chill that’s coming into the air as the autumn evening falls. “The leaves smell musty, you smell that?”

Frank grasps Gerard’s fingers more tightly. “Mmmhmm.” He takes a deep breath. “I like the way they smell. Do you know what I like best about leaves in the fall?”

Frank feels Gerard shake his head where it’s lying in the leaves right next to his. “No, what?”

“It’s predictable. It’ll always happen.” Frank opens his eyes and turns on his side to look at Gerard, who does indeed have his eyes closed. “Playing in the leaves in the fall is great because it’s not like some magical thing that you have to go searching for and just hope you find it. It’s nature, so it’s going to happen whether you’re looking for it or not.” He pats Gerard’s face, startling him, and he opens his eyes. “The leaves will always fall, you can count on it. I like knowing there’s nice things in the world I can count on.”

Gerard turns his head to look at Frank. “Nice normal things.”

“Yeah.” Frank sets his arm down on Gerard’s chest and plays with the buttons on his jacket. “Normal things.” 

Gerard puts his hand on top of Frank’s where it’s resting on his chest. “Like love?”

“Is love a normal thing?”

“It is, but… it’s also a miracle. Sort of like a rainbow.” Gerard scratches his head. “Although I suppose a scientist would say a rainbow isn’t a miracle at all, it’s just light refracting. But then a psychologist would say that love is just hormones and physiology and a matching up of predictable character traits… but it’s still a miracle.”

Frank closes his eyes again and hums to himself quietly. In this silent moment with Gerard, he feels like there’s nothing he wouldn’t say, no piece of himself he’d hold back. “Did you know I was going to be famous?” 

Frank opens his eyes in time to see Gerard looking startled for a moment before he cocks his head to the side. “I did not know that.”

“Yup. I was going to be a famous rock star.”

“Is that so?” Gerard starts running his thumb up and down the back of Frank’s hand.

“Yes.” Frank breaths out a long sigh. He has no idea why he’s telling Gerard this. “But then my band broke up and I kinda… I don’t know, freaked out a little bit.” Gerard squeezes his hand. “I stopped going to shows and hardly ever even played for a while and it was really hard because I… I had been so convinced that Pencey was going to make it and then when we didn’t it just crushed me.” Frank squeezes his eyes shut against the memories. “I felt like my whole life was wrong if I couldn’t be this incredible version of myself that I’d imagined up.”

Gerard is silent for a little while, just stroking his fingertips over Frank’s hand. “So what happened?”

Frank opens his eyes to find Gerard looking at him, his expression completely empty of any judgment, just listening. “I just worked for a while, a lot of different jobs. I think I was sort of drifting.” Frank wraps his fingers around Gerard’s wrist and finds the pulse point on the underside. He turns his hand over and skirts his fingertips over the veins as he talks. “I never went back to school because I’m just… not _that_ kind of smart. Then I ended up at the animal shelter and I loved it there from the very start. That’s when things started to get better.” Gerard shifts and brings his other arm around Frank’s shoulders, squeezing gently. Frank keeps talking, like it’s all falling out of him. He wants to tell Gerard this story. He couldn’t stop telling it now if he tried. “It wasn’t long after that when I met Mike and James and we started Strike the Demons. That was the best thing, getting back into playing again. Like…” Frank screws his eyes shut again just remembering, looking for the words to make sense of what happened. “I think I really needed that time away from the scene so that I could… just get over myself I guess? Then when I came back it was better, easier.” He opens his eyes to look at Gerard with a small smile. 

It’s silent for a long time. They lay together, Frank still playing with Gerard’s wrist. Finally, Gerard says, “So your band is really important to you.”

Frank nods. “It is. But it’s just one part of my life now. It’s not the be all and end all of my existence. I realize now that it isn’t healthy to have all of your hopes riding on just one thing.” He shakes his head. “I’ll never do that to myself again.”

“But you’re happy now?” Gerard asks, tentatively. “I mean, before you met me, even?”

“Yeah, even before I met you I was happy. And I am now, I’m really happy.” Frank pushes himself up onto Gerard’s chest so he can look into his eyes more easily. “See the thing is… I figured out I don’t need to be famous. I just need to do something that makes a difference and makes me happy. I do that with my job and my band and that’s enough.” Frank smiles. “It’s more than enough.”

Gerard nods his head in understanding. “So you’re not constantly wishing for something more.” It’s a statement, not a question.

“Yeah, exactly. I got tired of always wanting more a long time ago. It’s much easier to just be grateful for all the good things I have, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” Gerard smiles. 

Suddenly Frank becomes aware that the dogs are looming over them both, sniffing at them anxiously and he realizes it’s almost dark. “Shit, we better go. It’s almost night time.”

They get up and leash up the dogs, walking back down the street toward Frank’s building with their arms around each other. Frank still doesn’t know why he just told Gerard all that, but he’ll never take it back. He’s never told anyone else all those things, at least not quite in that _way_. So it’s like a gift, special for Gerard. Somehow Frank is certain that it’s safe with him.

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard can’t help but grimace when Frank’s phone rings for the third time in the span of two hours and he knows Frank sees it. He tries to school his features as quickly as possible, but the guilty look on Frank’s face as he answers tells him he’s too late. 

“Hi, Ma,” Frank says into the phone. It’s been her calling all three times. Gerard doesn’t think Frank talks to his mom much, but she’s been hounding him all evening, something about making plans for a family visit on Sunday. It’s only Friday night, and Gerard wonders if this is going to continue for the rest of the weekend. Frank had explained that his mom always gets really anxious before her sister comes to visit and he’s trying so hard to be nice to her about it. Gerard feels bad about getting frustrated with the calls. 

Frank’s eyebrows are drawn tightly together as he listens to her. “No, I really don’t think anyone will be able to tell the difference, both sets look exactly the same.” He rolls his eyes and mouths the word, ‘dishes’ at Gerard as he gets up off the couch and goes to stand in the kitchen while he talks. The dogs trail after him and he walks to the back door to let them out, lighting a cigarette as he goes. He follows them outside and Gerard hears him say, “No, I’m not smoking,” just before he closes the sliding glass door behind him.

It’s a Friday night in early October and Frank and Gerard are supposed to be having a nice relaxing evening on the couch at his house. Frank has taken to automatically bringing the dogs with him every time he plans to spend the night, since they love the yard so much. This is supposed to make it easier for them to relax. Relaxing has proved to be difficult tonight, though, as they haven’t even been able to get through one movie yet because of the repeated phone call interruptions. 

Gerard smokes a cigarette while he waits for Frank to come back. When he does finally come back in after about ten minutes with the dogs trailing after him, he’s rubbing his hands up and down his face and muttering, “I love my mom,” over and over again under his breath.

Frank flops down on the opposite end of the couch from Gerard and puts his feet up in his lap. Gerard pulls Frank’s shoes off and begins massaging his feet over his socks. “You love your mom,” he asserts, and Frank smiles.

“I do love her. She’s a great mom. She gave up a lot for me when I was young, it’s just… I don’t know,” he waves a hand, “difficult with her sometimes.”

“Oh?” Gerard is curious.

“Yeah, but it’s fine.” Frank shakes his shoulders and seems to be trying to shake himself out of the subject. “She won’t call anymore tonight. I told her I was at a friend’s house and we’re watching movies and so she _really_ can’t call me anymore tonight.”

It occurs to Gerard that he’s never really talked with Frank about his mom. “A ‘friend’s’ house?” He raises an eyebrow at Frank.

Frank blushes and seems to sink into himself. He scratches his neck. “Yeah… it’s just… It’s just easier that way.”

Gerard stills his hands on Frank’s feet and moves them to cup around his ankles, wrapping his fingers around them in an unconsciously possessive gesture. “Frank…” He cocks his head to the side. “Does she know you date guys?”

Frank nods his head vigorously. “Oh yeah, she knows I’m bi, she just… doesn’t like it… at all.” He cracks his neck. “I think I hold onto a lot of my Catholic guilt because of her, you know? I mean… I can let go of all the religious bullshit, but I can’t ever really get away from my mom.”

Gerard softens. He’s far too familiar with Frank’s guilt. He gets frustrated enough trying to keep Frank from holding onto guilt over little things in their relationship, he doesn’t want to make it worse by giving him a hard time about his mom. He goes back to massaging Frank’s feet. “So, will I ever get to meet her?”

“Oh yeah!” Frank is startled by the question. “Of course! And my dad, too. I’m just… not that close with them like you are with your mom and it hasn’t come up yet. I mean they both know I’m dating a guy right now. I’ve mentioned it.” He folds his knees up and scoots down the couch to be closer to Gerard and says gravely, “They both _really_ liked Leslie.”

Understanding dawns in Gerard’s mind and it must show on his face because Frank looks a little relieved. “Ah, okay,” Gerard says. It took a great deal of prodding, but Frank finally opened up and filled Gerard in on Leslie just a couple days ago.

“Right, so they were sad that didn’t work out because we were together so long, so they thought we’d get married and then the whole ‘bisexual’ thing wouldn’t matter.” Frank trails off and sighs. “But obviously it didn’t turn out that way.” He runs the fingers of his right hand up and down Gerard’s forearm. “I’m sure by the time the holidays roll around and we’re still together, they’ll both realize I’m serious about you and want to meet you.” He looks up at Gerard, smiling uncertainly. 

Something about that smile always just does things to Gerard and he’s lost. He can’t remember any of the apprehension from earlier in the conversation. He simply cups his hand under Frank’s cheek and returns his smile until all the insecurity runs out of Frank’s eyes. Then he brings Frank’s lips up to meet his and firmly fits their mouths together. He doesn’t even wait before invading Frank’s mouth with his tongue, tasting smoke and tomato sauce from the pizza they had for dinner. 

Gerard only gets to control the kiss for a moment before Frank is up in his lap, pushing him back into the couch cushions and straddling his waist. The kiss continues, punishing and bruising until Frank pulls out of it panting and leans over to whisper in Gerard’s ear, “I love you, Gee. I love you so fucking much. You don’t even know.” His words get swallowed up as he starts sucking gently on Gerard’s neck and murmuring sweet things to him. Every once in a while, Gerard will catch phrases like, ‘best thing that ever happened to me’ and ‘never knew it could be this good.’

Gerard can’t take it anymore. He stands up and turns Frank around, wrapping his arms around his waist and propelling him forward. “Upstairs,” is all he grunts out, but Frank understands. It takes them a while to make it up the stairs because Frank keeps turning around to kiss him and giggle each time they lose their balance and almost fall. Eventually, they make it to the bedroom where Frank pulls off his shirt before throwing himself onto the bed. 

Gerard lies down next to Frank and grabs his face for more kissing, but in only a few seconds, Frank is grunting insistently and pulling away. He gasps, “Shirt off,” breathlessly and tugs Gerard’s shirt over his head then pushes him down to kiss and suck on his belly. Gerard shivers as Frank’s hands move to undo his belt and begin pulling his jeans down. He gets Gerard’s pants just over his hips and begins to palm his cock through his briefs. Gerard looks down and sees Frank smiling up at him, his eyes hungry, and then Frank licks up Gerard’s shaft right over his underwear. He tongues at the top for the longest time before licking his lips, looking up at Gerard and saying, “I can taste you. I can taste you right through your fucking underwear and you taste delicious.”

Frank roughly shoves Gerard’s briefs down and out of the way and goes down to take his length in his mouth. Gerard can tell Frank is really working to relax his throat as he carefully moves down to take in more of his dick than he ever has before. Frank hums for just a moment then pulls off and smiles up at Gerard. His eyes are nearly black with the pupils blown wide and they seem to sparkle in the dim light. He licks at Gerard’s cock again and appears to be thinking as he swirls his tongue over the head, making Gerard shudder. Frank seems to come to a conclusion as he gives one last lick and then crawls up Gerard’s body to lie on top of him. He licks into Gerard’s ear and almost growls as he says, “Fuck me.” He bites into Gerard’s earlobe and tugs on it for a moment with his teeth, then grunts out, “I want you to own me.” 

Gerard doesn’t need to be told twice. He grabs Frank’s hips and begins kneading at the flesh there as he moves their bodies together. Their groins rub together, too many layers of clothing chafe against their hard-ons, but Gerard keeps going until it’s almost too much. He doesn’t stop until Frank throws his head back and starts gasping, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. Gerard stills their bodies as he leans up to lay into Frank’s neck. There isn’t much blank real-estate, but he finds enough to make a hickey that will look spectacular in the morning. He sucks until Frank is moaning and writhing on top of him and then quickly reverses their positions, getting Frank underneath him. He grabs Frank’s wrists, stretches them up over his head, and starts sucking at his nipples the way he knows makes Frank crazy. Frank always tries to be still at first, but it never lasts. Gerard keeps at it, licking and sucking over the right nipple, while tweaking the left one with his fingers until Frank is keening and trembling underneath him.

Gerard stops abruptly and sits up on his heels, still straddling Frank. He runs his fingernails over Frank’s belly while he catches his breath. Frank grabs at his hands and says, “fucker,” jerking his hips. But Gerard is faster. He reclaims his grip on Frank’s wrists in an instant, and his greater weight makes it impossible for Frank to throw him off, even if he wanted to. Although, Gerard is certain that he doesn’t actually want to. 

Gerard holds Frank’s wrists tight and leans down over him until their faces are only inches apart. Frank’s eyes hold a challenge, but they aren’t angry. Gerard smirks before he says, his voice nearly an octave lower than normal, “If you want me to own you, I’ll own you how I want.” He licks a long stripe slowly up from Frank’s collarbone to his jawbone. “This is how I want to own you.” Gerard releases Frank’s wrists and says, “Undo your pants.” Frank complies immediately and Gerard leans down to whisper in his ear, “Turn over.” Gerard lifts up to take his weight off Frank’s hips so that he can move and Frank turns over, getting settled with a pillow under his arms and head. 

Gerard stands up and kicks his jeans and underwear the rest of the way off. Frank’s eyes sparkle in the lamplight where he’s rested his head on his elbow to watch Gerard as he pulls a strip of condoms and a bottle of lube out of the nightstand drawer. Frank’s eyes hold his for a moment as he licks his lips and says, “Make me feel it tomorrow.” 

Gerard kneels down on the bed again, his legs on either side of Frank’s thighs. He wraps his fingers under the waistband of Frank’s pants and leans down to say in his ear. “I’ll make you feel it for a week.” Frank’s whole body trembles when he says this and Gerard roughly pulls his pants and underwear all the way down and off in one jerking motion. Gerard slowly pulls Frank’s socks off and runs his fingertips up the underside of each of his feet, watching his toes curl. Gerard’s fascinated as he watches Frank’s whole body break out in goose bumps as he slowly smoothes his fingers up over Frank’s calves, stopping to tickle the backs of his knees and then rubs firmly up over his thighs, before finally resting his hands on his ass and squeezing tightly. 

Gerard pushes Frank’s knees apart on the bed, settles between his thighs, and begins massaging Frank’s ass. “There it is,” he says. “There’s that sweet ass.” He leans down and flattens his tongue to lick a long stripe up from the guns at the small of Frank’s back, all the way up over his jack-o-lantern and ‘keep the faith’ to his hairline at the base of his skull. He leaves a kiss there and then puts another kiss at the corner of Frank’s lips where he’s turned his head to meet Gerard. Right up against Frank’s mouth, he murmurs, “And that sweet ass is all mine,” before kissing him again. The angle is awkward but the kiss is sweet and as they kiss, Gerard’s hands begin to work their way into the crack of Frank’s ass. When his fingers find Frank’s hole, Frank gasps and pulls out of the kiss, throwing his head back and shutting his eyes. Gerard brings a hand up to card his fingers through Frank’s hair and then gently pushes his head down onto the pillow. Gerard is still working a finger around Frank’s hole and it’s rough with no lube. Frank whimpers and Gerard says, “Shhhh, relax, I won’t hurt you, Frankie.” He leans down to whisper into Frank’s ear, because it’s important, “I’ll never hurt you.”

Frank nods and gasps out, “I know.” Gerard leaves one more tender kiss on his temple before moving back to grab the bottle of lube. He coats his fingers liberally and moves down to separate Frank’s ass cheeks. The sight that greets him is beautiful- the hole quivers when Gerard blows on it and he hears Frank mutter, “Fucker.” 

Gerard slips one slicked up finger inside and watches Frank’s hole accept it hungrily. He can feel Frank willfully making his muscles relax and accept the intrusion. Gerard still marvels at the fact that he’s allowed to do this. That it’s not just sex talk when he says this ass is his. 

Frank is so beautiful and sweet and good and he just lets Gerard have him. Just lets him do whatever he wants and he loves it. They’ve talked about it and Gerard knows that Frank has never given himself repeatedly to anyone else like this. And every time they fuck, Gerard is reminded that he’s being given something precious. He leans down and plants sloppy, wet kisses to Frank’s ass cheeks as he adds another finger. He scissors the two digits around and stretches as he feels Frank relax again, growing used to the fullness. Gerard watches Frank’s hole swallowing up his fingers for a moment before leaning up and whispering into Frank’s ear, “You want to feel it tomorrow?” Frank’s eyes are closed. He swallows and nods. “Okay, I’m going to stop preparing you now. No more fingers.” Gerard kisses his ear. “You think you can take it now?” 

Frank nods again, but doesn’t open his eyes. He gasps out, “I can take it now. Fuck me now, Gee, please. Wanna feel you inside me for days.” He opens his eyes now and they’re shining. 

Gerard lets his fingers slip free of Frank’s ass and claims his mouth in a hungry, messy kiss. When he pulls away from the kiss, he licks up to Frank’s ear and reminds him, “I love you,” before backing up to tear a condom off the strip.

Gerard watches Frank’s mouth as he speaks and just barely hears the words, “Love you too,” escape his lips and it makes him smile. Then Frank is closing his eyes again and settling his head into the pillow as Gerard rolls the condom on. He slicks himself up and lines up at Frank’s entrance. He swirls his fingers around the hole for a few seconds before hooking his thumbs in to pull apart at each side and Frank gasps. Then Gerard is pushing his length in hard, he doesn’t go slowly, just pushes in steadily until he’s buried to the hilt, balls deep inside of Frank. He leans down and rests his weight on top of Frank. He learned early on that this is something Frank relishes. He buries his face in Frank’s hair and breathes in his scent and listens to Frank’s voice as he whispers, “so good, so good, so good” over and over again. 

Gerard just stays still with his hands gripping Frank’s hips, his cheek resting on top of his head and waits. It’s not long before Frank starts squirming and gasping urgently, “Move, move.” And so Gerard does. He doesn’t take it slow at all. Frank said he wanted to feel it tomorrow and Gerard realizes he wants to make him feel it, wants him to feel it for days. He wants Frank to know, to remember who owns him, who loves him. 

He grasps Frank hips so tightly, he knows there will be bruises there tomorrow and slams in and out completely on every thrust, setting a punishing rhythm and hitting Frank’s prostate each time. He watches how Frank rolls his shoulders as he takes it, pushing his hips up and back to meet Gerard thrust for thrust. 

Sweat glistens on Frank’s back and soon Gerard can see beads of it rolling down his spine to settle and pool on his lower back. Frank starts trying to lift his back up, but Gerard moves one of his hands from Frank’s hip to his back, running it through the sweat pooled there and plants it in the blank center, holding Frank still, keeping him from pushing up further. He holds his hand there until he feels Frank relent, the muscles going slack under his hand and he relaxes, falling back down into the pillow. “Good boy,” Gerard says and sees Frank’s shoulders tremble as he takes a deep breath and visibly calms himself, still taking Gerard’s thrusts even as he doesn’t slow down at all, but increases the intensity and the force of the fucking. Frank’s eyes are shut tight and he stretches his head back to swallow deep breaths of air. He turns just slightly on his side and makes to snake his hand down to get himself off, but Gerard says, “Stop.” Frank stops immediately. 

Gerard stills his thrusts and carefully pulls all the way out. Frank cries out when he does and Gerard pets his hip and makes shushing noises to soothe him. He wraps his hand around Frank’s hip and gently turns him over onto his back, rearranging their bodies until he’s got Frank’s legs spread around his waist. He lines up and pushes back in, setting a slower pace this time as he resumes his thrusts. 

Frank’s kept his eyes closed through the whole process changing of positions. Gerard leans down and puts his hands on either side of his face. “Hey,” he whispers and Frank slowly blinks his eyes open. 

He smiles and says, “Hey.”

Gerard keeps thrusting as he asks, “You doing okay?”

Frank nods as his smile gets wider and Gerard is blinded by it. “Yeah.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m good.” 

Gerard kisses him sweetly and says, “I just needed to see your face.” He rubs his fingers up and down Frank’s cheeks. “I want you to look at me when I make you come, okay?”

Frank nods and breathes out, “Okay.”

Gerard pulls back just a little bit and rests his arms on Frank’s shoulders as he increases the tempo of his thrusts. Frank brings his hands up to clutch at Gerard’s arms and closes his eyes again, throwing his head back as Gerard slams all the way home over and over again. It isn’t long before Frank says, “I’m close,” and lets go of Gerard’s arms to touch himself. Gerard puts his own hand over Frank’s and they stroke him together. It doesn’t take much vigorous stroking, paired with Gerard’s fierce thrusting, for Frank’s breath to start to hitch and his strokes begin to falter.

“Frank, look at me.” Frank opens his lust-fogged eyes and looks at Gerard just as his whole body clenches up and he comes all over their hands. Long, thick streams of spunk spill out over their bellies and chests and Franks goes limp as Gerard strokes him all the way through the aftershocks, not stopping until Frank starts to whine from overstimulation. Gerard keeps thrusting in and out of Frank’s ass, now completely loose and relaxed for him. Frank watches as Gerard brings his hand up to his mouth and begins to lick the spunk from it. His eyes roll back and he begins to let his head fall back but Gerard won’t let him. He reaches down and grabs Frank’s face in both hands. “Frank, stay with me. Open your eyes and see me.” He squeezes Frank’s face a bit and shakes his head gently as Frank opens his eyes again and comes back to himself. “I want you to look at me when I come inside you.” Frank nods and Gerard drops his hands to Frank’s neck, letting his head rest back on the pillow. 

Gerard speeds up his thrusts as fast as he can, he knows Frank has got to be getting sore by now, but he doesn’t complain. He just looks at Gerard with total trust and love. Gerard is close, so close now. He just needs- he sits up a bit and yanks Frank farther down the bed by his hips to gain more leverage. Frank wraps his previously relaxed legs around his waist tighter and squeezes. He watches the concentration in Frank’s face as he clenches his ass muscles around Gerard’s dick and begins moving his hips again to meet Gerard’s thrusts. Frank clutches at Gerard’s arms again and says, “I love you, Gee.” And that’s all it takes. 

Gerard’s whole body seizes up and he grips Frank’s arms and leans down over him as he comes deep inside him, whispering, “Love you. I love you. I love you, Frankie,” staring right into Frank’s eyes the entire time. 

Gerard collapses on top of Frank once he’s completely spent and catches his breath. “I feel like I just came my guts out inside you.”

Frank giggles and wiggles his ass a little bit. “I can’t really feel it with the condom, but you twitched for a long time, bet you came a ton.” 

Gerard laughs and pushes himself up to carefully pull out of Frank’s tender ass. He lifts Frank’s leg up a bit and looks at Frank’s hole after he’s pulled out. He touches it gently with his finger and Frank hisses, sucking in a breath. “You’re so loose, Frankie.” 

He gets rid of the condom quickly and brings his fingers back to Frank’s ass, still holding his leg up and out to the side. He sticks one finger in his mouth, slicking it up with spit and then cautiously slides it back into Frank’s ass. Frank gasps and shivers, but doesn’t say no. Gerard watches his face, Frank’s biting his lips and his eyes are shut tight. Gerard realizes that Frank’s dick is starting to take notice of the proceedings and is perking up again. He extends his other hand to slowly rub up the underside of Frank’s cock, gradually waking it up and bringing it to life once more. When Gerard wraps his thumb and forefinger around the head and twists just slightly, Frank moans, “Oh God” and the tip begins to leak precome again. Gerard moves his head down to flick his tongue over the tip, prompting Frank to groan out, “Oh God!” again. 

Gerard pulls his finger out of Frank’s ass and Frank’s eyes immediately fly open as he says, “No, don’t stop.” Gerard pets his hip and shushes him before bringing two fingers into his mouth this time. Looking into Frank’s eyes, he spits all over them until they’re dripping wet. Then he brings them back to Frank’s hole. It’s red and puffy from use, but still quivering with anticipation and need. Gerard slides both fingers in easily and snakes them around until he finds Frank’s prostate. Frank cries out when Gerard finds the sweet spot and then goes back to work on Frank’s cock with his other hand. 

Content to simply stroke and periodically lick at the tip, Gerard spends most of his attention on Frank’s beautiful ass, eventually adding a third finger. He snakes his fingers around, but mainly massages Frank’s prostate, making him squirm and shudder and gasp beautifully. He’s practically sobbing when his dick finally gives a tell-tale shudder in Gerard’s hand and jerks and Frank comes again. Gerard licks Frank’s dick and belly clean of come and doesn’t stop moving his fingers in Frank’s ass until his sobs reach a fever pitch and Gerard is certain he’s had all he can take. 

He pulls his fingers out slowly and lets Frank’s leg fall to the bed. Humming softly, he rubs his hands firmly up and down Frank’s thighs until his body stops shaking. Once Frank is still, Gerard lies down on top of him, letting his whole weight fall onto Frank, grounding him. Frank watches him, his eyes clouded over in post-orgasmic bliss. His whole body is now liquid and boneless, completely calm. Gerard always feels so happy when he’s able to make Frank completely calm like this, because Frank is never completely calm. He cups Frank’s face tenderly and tells him, “You are so fucking beautiful when you come.”

Frank’s eyes gradually come back into focus and meet Gerard’s. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Gerard licks at the stubble on Frank’s chin and jaw. “And it’s your whole body, too. Not just your face.” He pauses, searching Frank’s eyes, trying to find the words. “When you come for me, it’s like… like I can have everything… just knowing what I’m making you feel and when you just let yourself go, it’s just… breathtaking.” Gerard moves a hand down to place it over Frank’s heart and leaves it there to feel a few beats. “I’ve never felt anything like sex with you, Frank. Never.”

Frank covers Gerard’s hand with his own and sighs. “Gerard Way, I do believe you may have ruined me for all future lovers.” 

Gerard grins at that. He curls his hand around the back of Frank’s skull and tightens it possessively, brings his forehead down to touch Frank’s and says firmly, “Good.”


	4. Strike the Demons 2

**Strike the Demons**

_Fear is strong and love’s for everyone who isn’t me._

Frank wakes up the next morning to the sound of music coming out of tinny speakers. He’s confused because it’s not just any music. He can hear himself singing. It’s definitely his own band that he’s hearing. It’s their cover of Dylan’s ‘Mr. Tambourine Man’. 

He rolls over, sleepily rubbing at his eyes and finds Gerard sitting up in bed next to him with his laptop open on his thighs. Frank scoots closer and rests his head on Gerard’s lap so he can see what he’s watching. He’s on YouTube. Frank can see that he’s searched his band, ‘Strike The Demons – Frank Iero’ still sits in the search bar. He watches himself in the video critically. He can’t help but notice where he misses notes or fucks up the words. He knows Gerard’s a Dylan fan, so he looks up to see if he seems to have noticed. It doesn’t look like it, though. His face is riveted on the screen. After Frank’s been staring up at him for a moment, he looks down and smiles, bringing his hand over to pet Frank’s hair. Frank revels in the feel of the tender touch first thing upon waking. He loves it when Gerard touches him like this, like he’s something to be treasured. Leslie used to do that sometimes, but it somehow often had the opposite effect on Frank. It actually annoyed him if she did it too much. Not with Gerard, though. Frank thinks he could never get tired of Gerard touching him like this.

The video ends, and Gerard clicks on another one in the list that YouTube suggests. This time, it’s an original song of theirs. It’s fast moving and angry and Gerard seems to watch in wonder as Frank just completely loses himself onstage. Frank always feels sort of like he’s watching someone else in these videos when he gets like that during shows. It’s why he almost never watches videos of his band. That was one of his biggest problems when he was with Pencey Prep because managers always wanted them to watch videos of themselves so they could critique and improve. Frank hated that, he always just wanted to play. He figured if the crowd liked it, why should he have to try to improve? Not that he ever has any trouble finding flaws in his performances. He’s just found that now he’s better off not watching so he doesn’t even have to think about it.

When the song ends, Gerard shakes himself a bit and looks down at Frank. “You guys are really fucking good.” He taps his fingers over Frank’s lips. “I love your voice.”

Frank shrugs. “It’s okay. I’m not the best.”

Gerard shakes his head. “No, you’re good.” He brings his fingers down to dance over Frank’s throat. “I _really_ like your sound.”

Frank smiles to himself and feels his face blushing slightly. “Thanks.” He grabs at Gerard’s hand where it’s resting on his neck and twines their fingers together. “How many of these have you watched?”

“About a dozen, I think.” Gerard squeezes his fingers. “I didn’t want to wake you, but I had to keep turning up the volume to hear better. The speakers on this thing are shitty.” 

Frank nuzzles his head into Gerard’s hip. “It’s okay. I don’t mind waking up like this.” He smiles up at Gerard.

“I thought about watching the videos in the office, but I didn’t want to leave you. You’re just so damn warm and cuddly and adorable when you sleep.” Gerard is grinning down at him now. 

Frank tosses his hand away and rolls over, burying his face in the sheets. “Shut up! Dork,” he mumbles into the mattress. 

He feels Gerard push the laptop off and down the bed and then he looms over Frank, buries his face in his neck and inhales deeply. “Mmmmm, and you still smell like sex.”

Frank wants to smile and get carried away with Gerard and have delicious morning sex, but he can’t. Suddenly he can’t make himself smile. He doesn’t say anything, just stays still and lets in the unhappy feeling that’s creeping over him, and tries to figure out why he feels unsettled. Gerard’s hands come around his head and turn his face up. His eyes fill with concern as he assesses Frank’s expression. “Why are you sad?”

“I can’t.” Frank closes his eyes and tries to shake his face out of Gerard’s grasp.

Gerard loosens his grip, but doesn’t take his hands away. He turns them over to stroke Frank’s hair with the backs of his hands. “Tell me,” he says softly. 

Frank shakes his head. Thinking about his band is making him think about things he doesn’t want to think about. 

“Frank, look at me.” Frank feels Gerard kiss his forehead gently. He pulls away as Frank finally opens his eyes. “What’s wrong? You know I was just teasing you, right?” He runs his thumb nails up and down Frank’s cheeks. “You don’t have to be adorable if you don’t want to.” Frank wishes he could just stick his tongue out at Gerard and smirk and kiss him…

“You know it’s not about that.” He shakes Gerard’s hands away from his face and scoots himself up the bed, trying to get back into his own space a little bit. 

Gerard doesn’t let him. He follows him right up the bed with his body and takes Frank’s hands again, running his fingertips around in his palms. He eyes turn dark and serious. “It’s about your band.” 

Frank grabs at Gerard’s wrists and pushes his hands away. He almost feels like he’s going to cry, but he has to say it. His voice is choked when the words finally escape from his throat. “I really want you to come to my show… the one on my birthday.” He throws his head back and to the side, closing his eyes again and pushing Gerard away by his wrists.

Gerard backs off, but not much. He finally ends their struggling when he drops his hands to Frank’s belly and stills them. Frank lets his hands stay there and waits for Gerard to say something. Anything. The silence drags on longer than he’s comfortable with, but he refuses to relent. This will be one of his biggest shows in years. His band is headlining a showcase with four other bands on his fucking 35th birthday, and he feels like he has a right to want his boyfriend to be there for him.

Finally, Gerard says, “Frank.” His tone is pleading. “Frank.” Frank finally brings his head back down and opens his eyes again. Gerard looks tortured with his eyebrows drawn tightly together and his chin trembling. He almost looks like he might cry, which startles Frank, because he’s never seen anything like that from Gerard before. “Frank, you know I can’t.”

“That’s bullshit.” Frank pushes Gerard’s hands off him and moves up the bed so that he’s sitting up fully, his knees drawn up in front of his chest. He immediately feels the soreness in his ass from last night. Gerard looks hurt, but Frank doesn’t care. “You went to Bert’s shows.”

“I-” Gerard seems at a loss. He pushes himself up until he’s sitting up as well, cross-legged on the bed in front of Frank. “That was a long time ago-”

“So?” Frank spits out harshly, cutting Gerard off.

“So I can’t…” Gerard scratches his head. “I’m not that person anymore. I can’t be like that again. I won’t do that to you.”

“Do what to me?” Frank interrupts again, he can’t help himself. “Support me? Be there for me when my band is headlining a thousand person venue for the first time in almost two years?”

Gerard tentatively puts his hand on Frank’s knee and says, “Shhh…” It’s something he does a lot. It’s not really a condescending thing, but Frank almost wishes it was, just so he’d have another reason to be angry. “Will you please let me finish?” Frank nods. “I’m very different now than I was then. I wasn’t a happy person when I was with Bert, not at all, and not because of him, because of me.” Frank hasn’t pushed Gerard’s hand away. Gerard must think that’s a good sign, because he adds his other hand and begins massaging Frank’s knees slowly. “Once I was finally happy with myself, I looked back and realized I was always faking it when I was out with Bert at parties and shows. It wasn’t real.” He takes a deep breath. “I want to be real with you, Frank.”

Frank wants to stay angry so badly, but all he feels now is sad. He feels so sad because he’s realizing that Gerard doesn’t know how to be himself around other people. He’s 39 years old and he thinks he has to hide from the world in order to be real. Frank puts his hands on top of Gerard’s on his knees, he knows his eyes are welling up and he doesn’t try to hide the half-sobbing sound that escapes when he speaks. “You can be real and still come to the show.”

Gerard shakes his head. “I don’t know how.” He looks down, as if he’s literally hanging his head in shame. 

“You can try.” Frank’s throat is dry now and his voice comes out in almost a whisper.

Gerard rests his forehead on their joined hands. He’s speaking down at the bed, but Frank can hear him just fine. “I don’t want to.” He shakes himself and looks up at Frank, his eyes hard and his tone firm as he says. “I’m not going to try to be something that I know I can’t be. I gave up on that a long time ago. I’m too old.” He rubs his cheek against the top of Frank’s hand. “I’m too old for that, Frank.”

Frank doesn’t know what to say to this. He’s run out of arguments. He swallows and feels like he’s swallowing his pride when he takes a deep breath and says, “Okay.”

Gerard looks at him tentatively from where he’s rested his face on their hands. “It’s nothing to do with how I feel about you.”

Frank bites his tongue before he makes a hurtful comment and instead simply sighs and says, “I have a hard time seeing it that way.” 

Gerard’s eyebrows draw together and he suddenly just looks so sad. “I wish there was something that I could say to make you understand.”

“I don’t think there is.” Frank averts his eyes, he can’t look at Gerard’s sad face anymore. 

Gerard lifts his head off their hands and slowly moves closer to Frank. He brings his hand up to cup the side of Frank’s face and Frank can’t help it as he lets his head nuzzle into the touch. He’s tired of being angry. 

“Don’t be sad, Frankie.” Gerard whispers. Frank closes his eyes. After a few seconds, he feels Gerard bring his other hand up and begin running his fingertips all over Frank’s face. On his eyelids and brows, his lips, chin and nose, his cheekbones and forehead. “So fucking pretty.” Gerard breathes out. “You don’t even know.” 

Frank opens his eyes when he feels Gerard backing away from him. “Gee?” 

Gerard’s pulling the laptop over toward them. He clicks open the other tab he has in the browser and says, “I did a Google image search of you and found all these great pictures of you from your shows.” Frank doesn’t really want to talk about the shows anymore, but he looks to see the pictures Gerard is talking about. “You wear eye makeup on stage,” he explains, pointing to a set of pictures that are zoomed in on Frank’s face, showing his eyes. 

Frank shrugs. “Yeah, usually I do.”

Gerard puts the laptop down and turns back to Frank. Taking Frank’s face in his hands, he rubs his thumbs over his eyelids. “It just looks so fucking hot… wait.” He drops his hands. “Wait here.” Gerard shuffles back off the bed and goes into the bathroom. When he returns, he’s holding a black eyeliner pencil. He crawls back up on the bed and sits down in front of Frank. Holding Frank’s face in his left hand, he brandishes the eyeliner pencil in his right. “Hold still.” 

Frank does. He lets Gerard line his eyes and it feels like the most intimate thing he’s ever done. He’s never had anyone else do his makeup before. He’s always done it himself. Even in his discomfort and self-consciousness, it occurs to him to ask, “Why do you have eyeliner?”

Gerard backs up after he’s finished his right eye and looks at Frank strangely as he says, “I’m an artist,” as if that should fully answer the question.

“Oh, well, of course.” Frank’s tone is sarcastic, but Gerard doesn’t seem to notice as he goes back to work on lining his left eye.

When Gerard is finished, he sits back and examines his work. “Gorgeous,” he says, his tone almost reverent. After a second he takes Frank’s hand and begins to pull him up off the bed. “Come see.” He pulls him toward the bathroom, but as soon as Frank tries to take a step away from the bed, he gasps. Gerard turns around, immediately concerned. “What’s wrong?”

Frank grimaces. He can feel the damage from all of last night’s activities in his ass. He can’t remember ever being quite this sore from sex before. “Just sore.” 

Gerard embraces him gently, resting his hands on Frank’s hips and leaning down to put his chin on Frank’s shoulder. “I’m sorry… I was too rough with you.”

“No, no, no.” Frank hugs Gerard back, wrapping his arms around him. “I wanted you to. This is what I wanted.” He kisses Gerard’s shoulder. “I asked you to, you just gave me what I asked for.”

Gerard pulls back just enough to look into Frank’s eyes, worry written all over his face. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Frank nods. “Yeah, I’ll be okay.”

“Can you walk?”

“Yeah, just.” Frank takes a tentative step. “Just slowly.”

Gerard comes around behind Frank, keeping his arms wrapped around his middle and they walk slowly into the bathroom together. Once they get to the mirror, Gerard lifts Frank’s face up with a hand under his chin and says, “There. Look at how beautiful you are.”

Frank has to admit that his eyes really do look nice like this. Gerard did a good job with the eyeliner. “It looks good,” he agrees. 

Gerard turns him around. “Come here.” He kisses Frank so tenderly Frank feels like he might break from it. He only lets the kiss go on like that for a few seconds, he can’t take it. He doesn’t want to be kissed tenderly right now. He’s not exactly sure what he wants, but he knows it isn’t this. He changes the kiss abruptly, pushing up into Gerard’s mouth and taking control. Feeling around Gerard’s waist, he pushes his fingers under the waistband of the briefs he put on at some point after Frank fell asleep last night and begins pulling them down until Gerard can shake them off. Frank’s still naked and he immediately goes up on his tip toes so he can rub his dick against Gerard’s. Gerard grabs his ass and lifts him up onto the counter. Frank cries out in pain from it and Gerard pulls out from the kiss muttering, “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

“It’s okay, don’t stop.” Frank grabs at Gerard’s ass and pulls him in close, grinding their cocks together. His mouth latches on to a place on Gerard’s shoulder and he bites and sucks like he’s going to devour him. He can’t help it, he can’t control himself. Right now he can’t think. All he wants to do is feel. When he’s finished leaving bruising teeth marks all over Gerard’s shoulder, he licks up into his ear. “Gee,” he pants out. “Gee, I want you to fuck me.”

Gerard looks startled and immediately backs away. “What? No.” He’s shaking his head. “No, Frankie, you’re too sore.”

Frank feels like crying. “Please, Gee,” he whines. He’s not above begging. “I just need it. I need you.” 

Gerard looks alarmed. “Frank.” He takes a deep breath, confliction evident all over his face, and leans down to rest his forehead against Frank’s. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” Frank whispers. “Just be gentle.” He pleads with Gerard with his eyes. “Please. I just need you so badly.”

After searching Frank’s eyes for what seems like an eternity, Gerard nods slowly. “Okay… okay, I’ll be _so_ gentle.”

Frank breathes a huge sigh of relief before capturing Gerard’s mouth in another bruising kiss. As they kiss, Gerard backs up and gently pulls him down off the counter. Frank tries to muffle his pain-filled gasps in the kiss, but he doesn’t think he quite pulls it off. He feels Gerard gently running his fingers up and down his ass cheeks. He pulls away from the kiss to search Frank’s eyes once more. “You’re sure?”

Frank licks his lips and nods. “I’m positive.”

“Okay.” Gerard turns around back toward the bedroom and takes Frank’s hand to trail behind him. When they get to the bed he stops. “How?” He turns to look at Frank. “How do you want it?”

Frank looks down at the bed for a moment and considers. “I’ll be on top.” He pushes at Gerard. “You lay down.”

Gerard complies, moving the laptop off the bed before he lies down on his back, waiting for Frank. Frank just watches him for a moment. He’s so fucking beautiful. So pale and perfect, his dick hard in anticipation for Frank. Gerard strokes it lazily and looks back up at Frank, his eyes hungry. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt Frank, but there’s no denying he wants this. That thought makes Frank feel a little bit less crazy for wanting to get fucked when he’s already in pain. 

Frank reaches into the nightstand to pull out a condom and the bottle of lube. Then he settles himself down on the bed, straddling Gerard’s thighs. He begins unwrapping the condom, but stops when Gerard grabs his wrist. “Do you?” He looks stricken. “Do you want me to prepare you?” Frank shakes his head. “Are you going to prepare yourself?”

“No.”

Gerard lets go of his wrist and doesn’t ask anymore questions as Frank opens the condom and rolls it down over his cock. Frank is generous with the lube, spreading it all over Gerard’s dick and stroking him until his hips begin to jerk of their own accord. Then he’s ready. He lifts up to straddle Gerard and lines up his length at his entrance. He stops for a moment when he feels Gerard reaching up to grab at his hand, their hands find each other and their fingers intertwine just as Frank begins to sink down. He closes his eyes, letting gravity do its work as the fullness overtakes him. It burns, and before he’s really ready, he’s seated all the way down with Gerard’s entire length filling him once again.

He breathes in deeply, gasping a little bit as his breath falters, his body trying to adjust to the unwelcome intrusion. Gerard’s fingers squeeze his and he whispers, his voice sounding tortured. “I’m hurting you. If it hurts, Frank, we should stop.”

Frank shakes his head and chokes out, “No.” He grabs for Gerard’s other hand and once he’s gripping both hands tightly, he uses Gerard’s strong arms for leverage and begins to move. He lifts up and sinks back down and it does hurt. It stings, but it hurts so _good_. And Gerard isn’t moving at all, he keeps his hips perfectly still to let Frank set the pace and Frank can see how much it’s costing him to do this. Gerard is almost never the passive one during sex, but he’s obviously determined to be this time. 

Frank keeps the pace slow at first, but it’s not enough. He knows it’s crazy, but he needs more. He lifts up so that one foot is flat on the bed and begins to speed things up. Gerard lets go of one of his hands and instead wraps it around Frank’s ankle. Frank begins to stroke himself back to hardness. He had softened quite a bit from the pain and discomfort when Gerard entered him, but he’s able to get hard again now that he’s found a quick enough pace. As he strokes himself, he cants his hips just slightly so that Gerard’s dick hits his sweet spot every time he goes down. 

It doesn’t take very long before he’s panting and making that embarrassing wheezing sound in the back of his throat. He throws his head back and closes his eyes and feels Gerard’s hand replacing his own on his dick and then Gerard is stroking him and it’s _so_ good. “So good,” he grinds out and Gerard increases his tempo. In a few more strokes he’s close. He gasps, “So close,” and Gerard wraps his hand around him even more tightly, his strokes increasing to an impossibly fast pace. Frank falters, feels his muscles tighten and he comes, spunk landing all over Gerard’s belly and chest. Frank looks down in time to see Gerard wiping it off with his hand and bringing it up to his mouth. Their eyes meet and Frank slows down riding Gerard’s cock. He stops moving and says, “I’m so tired, Gee.” 

He pulls off carefully. Gerard sits up and puts a hand on Frank’s elbow to steady him. “What?” He has that concerned look again.

Frank lies down on the bed and pulls his knees up, grabbing at Gerard to pull him on top of him. “I need you fuck me, Gee. Need you to fuck me until you come.”

“Frankie, I-” He looks down at Frank’s tender asshole. Frank has no idea what it must look like, but he’s sure it’s bad, judging by Gerard’s horrified expression. “I don’t need-”

Frank cuts him off. “Please, Gee. I need you inside me when you come.” He leans up and pulls insistently at Gerard again. “Just fuck me. Fucking finish it!” Gerard looks anguished as he lines himself up with Frank’s abused entrance, sliding in easily this time. He’s far too gentle and slow to begin with and Frank can’t handle it. “No more gentle! Fuck me like you mean it!” he bites out. 

And Gerard does. He grabs at Frank’s ankle, holding his leg up in the air and starts slamming home on every thrust. He grips Frank’s hip where he has bruises from last night and it’s finally perfect. It finally feels like what Frank needs. He gets lost in the sensations, not even thinking about his own orgasm, his dick soft and forgotten. All he can feel is Gerard filling him up on every thrust, hitting his prostate to send sparks up his spine each time and it’s at the same time toomuchtoomuchtoomuch and sogoodsogoodsogood and Frank almost feels like he’s going to float away with all of it. After what seems like a blissful forever, he finally feels Gerard’s thrusts start to falter and despite his looseness, he can feel his cock twitching inside him as he comes. 

Frank watches Gerard’s face as he comes undone above him and it’s overwhelming, the way he screws his eyes shut tight, his guttural moans spilling out of his open mouth. With Gerard it’s like every orgasm is the last one he’s ever going to have. He just lets himself go completely.

When Gerard finally drops his leg and collapses on top of him, shuddering and panting, Frank strokes his hair and whispers into his ear, “Love you. I love you. I love you so much.”

Gerard doesn’t rest on top of him for long. When he lifts his head to look at Frank, he looks lost and confused and it hurts Frank in his heart. He has nothing to say for himself to explain why he wanted that. Gerard holds his face in his hands and just searches it for the longest time before he finally pulls out slowly and gets up without saying anything. 

Frank expects Gerard to go into the bathroom, but he doesn’t. He gets rid of the condom and then goes downstairs, coming back after a few minutes with a glass of water, a bottle of extra-strength Tylenol and an ice pack wrapped in a paper towel. He sets the ice pack on the nightstand and helps Frank sit up to take the glass of water and bottle of pain killers. All he says is, “you should drink all of that” before he goes into the bathroom. When he returns, he’s washed all the come off his belly and chest and he’s holding a warm wet washcloth. He waits until Frank’s swallowed the pills and finished drinking the water and then carefully has him lie down on the bed on his side. He lifts Frank’s leg and uses the washcloth to gently clean his ass. Frank hisses at the sting each time the wet, rough fabric touches the sensitive hole and Gerard just plants a kiss on his hip each time, not stopping his soft wiping until he’s satisfied that Frank’s as clean as he’s going to get for right now. 

Frank starts to shiver as Gerard cleans him, he doesn’t think it’s because he’s cold, though. He thinks it’s something else that he isn’t willing to question too hard or explore right now. He abandons thinking as Gerard finally lets his leg down and reaches over him to put the washcloth on the nightstand and pick up the ice pack to put against Frank’s ass. The dry cool is soothing and Gerard uses his thigh to hold the ice pack in place as he spoons up behind Frank, while pulling the blankets up the bed to cover them both. Once they’re covered, Gerard wraps his arm around Frank’s chest, pulling him close and tight. His mouth is right by Frank’s ear when he speaks, his voice filled with a thousand apologies. “I love you, Frank.” He squeezes Frank’s chest so tightly it almost hurts. “I love you.”

\+ *_*_* +

Frank doesn’t stay. Since he has a rare weekend off from work, he was supposed to stay both nights, until he has to go to his mom’s house on Sunday, but he doesn’t. 

They end up falling back to sleep for a few hours until the dogs start bothering them to get up. By then it’s mid afternoon. They have leftover pizza for lunch and don’t really talk. It’s not unusual for them to not talk much, but this is different. Frank just sits and stares at the table for a long time after he’s finished with his pizza. Gerard clears the table and stands over him for a moment, noticing how he’s leaning to the side a bit in his chair, to take the weight off his ass. Gerard light’s a cigarette and sticks it in Frank’s mouth. Then he slides his fingers under Frank’s chin, tilts his face up and runs his hand through his hair that’s still wet from their shared shower. When Frank’s eyes finally turn up and meet his, Gerard says, “Hi.”

Frank inhales on the cigarette and pulls it out of his mouth. His expression is carefully neutral as he says, “I’m not a masochist.”

“I know that.” Gerard drops down to his knees and puts his arm in Frank’s lap. He slides his other arm carefully under Frank’s thigh so he can rest his weight on it and not have to hold himself sideways in the chair. 

Frank sighs, looks down at Gerard and smiles. It’s a sad smile, though. Gerard doesn’t know what to do so he rests his head in Frank’s lap and closes his eyes for a minute, until he feels Frank’s fingers nudging at his lips to put the cigarette between them. Gerard opens his mouth and takes a long drag until Frank pulls it out and brings it back up to his own lips again. He turns his head up to see Frank looking down at him with tired eyes. Dropping his hand down, he pushes at Gerard’s wet hair, moving it back from his face and out of his eyes. Gerard’s never seen Frank look sad like this before while obviously trying so hard not to and it’s breaking his heart. Before he even thinks about it, he hears himself saying, “We’ll do something else for your birthday.” Frank raises his eyebrows. “Something fun, something special, just us.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, it’ll be good. I promise.” Gerard smiles and tries to somehow psychically send his smile to Frank. It only sort of works. 

“Yeah, okay. We’ll do something fun.” Frank half smiles and then takes a last drag off the cigarette before putting it out. Once he does, he shakes himself a bit and starts to stand up slowly. “I need to go.”

Gerard jumps up. “What? Why?”

He follows Frank as he walks toward the stairs. “I’m tired. I should really get a good night’s sleep before this thing at my mom’s house tomorrow.” He shrugs as he climbs the stairs. “You know how exhausting family can be.”

“Uh, yeah sure. Okay.” He stops Frank in the doorway to his room with a hand on his arm. “I thought you were planning to stay, though?”

Frank sighs and rubs his hands in his hair. “Change of plans,” he says matter-of-factly and drops his arms to the side before turning away and going into the bedroom.

Gerard watches him gather up all his things and shove them in his backpack. When he comes back to the door again, Gerard doesn’t move out of the way to let him through. “You can get a good night’s sleep here.” He touches Frank’s lips softly with his fingertips. “Please stay.”

Frank moves Gerard’s hand away from his mouth, twining their fingers together momentarily. His eyes are very far away when he says, “I just need to go home, Gee. Okay?”

Gerard finally relents and backs up. “Okay.” They walk downstairs together and Frank calls the dogs in from the yard to put their leashes on them. Gerard follows him to the front door. “So, have fun at your mom’s tomorrow.”

Frank snorts. “Yeah.” He turns around and leans up into Gerard.

Gerard holds him close for a moment and kisses the top of his head. “I love you.” He always says it when they say goodbye, but it feels a little desperate as he says it this time.

Frank looks up at him and smiles. It’s almost a real smile now. “I love you, too.”

As they kiss goodbye, Gerard feels like he needs to memorize it. Like he needs to commit to memory the feel of Frank’s mouth and his taste. He watches Frank walk slowly down the front walk to the driveway, still moving cautiously, obviously hurting. Gerard doesn’t close the door until he’s watched Frank drive down the street with the dogs looking sadly out the back car window at him. 

When he shuts the door behind him and turns inside, Gerard looks around his house for a moment and it feels… empty. He’s lived here for six years and it’s never felt this way before. Even after it was over with Bert, Gerard felt more relief than anything else at finally being able to be on his own again. He’s never felt lonely in this house… until now. He’s lived without anyone else around for over five years and now, for the first time ever, Gerard feels completely and utterly alone. 

*_*_*

Gerard is restless. Sleep is an impossibility on Saturday night. Each time he closes his eyes, all he can see is Frank’s sad face and distant eyes. He can’t stand it that this chasm opened between them out of nowhere like that. 

The more he thinks about it, the more he has to be honest with himself and face the fact that it wasn’t out of nowhere. It was triggered by the talk of Frank’s band. Gerard thought watching videos of them would make Frank happy, help him understand that Gerard cares about that part of his life even though he can’t go to the shows. Obviously, the videos had the opposite effect on Frank. They only reminded him of how much he wants Gerard at the shows and that just isn’t something Gerard can do for him. 

He ends up getting out of bed at 2AM and going downstairs to paint. He almost never paints in the middle of the night because the light is so terrible, but he has a feeling that tonight, drawing just isn’t going to help him relax enough to sleep.

He paints Frank in acrylic. Three canvasses of Frank. Frank laughing while rolling around in the leaves in the park; Frank standing at the sink in his kitchen, smoking a cigarette and smiling as he watches his dogs playing in the backyard through the window; Frank spread out beneath him in bed, writhing in ecstasy. It’s a difficult technique to show movement in a painting and Gerard does a lot of correcting before he’s satisfied. He doesn’t end up falling into bed until 7AM, covered in paint and emotionally exhausted. 

*_*_*

Gerard doesn’t hear from Frank at all on Sunday. He had hoped to at least get a text message complaining about the family gathering, but his phone is stubbornly silent all day. Finally, at around 10PM he can’t take it anymore. He has to text Frank, make _some_ kind of contact.

_How was your mom’s?_

Frank doesn’t reply right away. Gerard takes out the trash while he waits for a reply. Frank’s always nagging him about how gross it is that he lets his garbage cans overflow all the time. After he’s emptied every trashcan in the house, he checks his phone and finds Frank’s reply.

_fine_

He’d been expecting a little more than that. He’s sure now that Frank is still not okay after yesterday.

_You’re still upset with me?_

Frank texts back immediately.

_No I’m not._

It frustrates Gerard that Frank won’t be honest with him. He was obviously not himself when he left yesterday and it’s highly unusual for him to go an entire day without texting Gerard about _something_.

_Yes, you are._

Frank’s response is nearly instantaneous.

_I’m fine Gerard._

Gerard drops his phone on the floor and briefly considers stepping on it. He doesn’t, though. The hassle of ordering a new phone isn’t worth it, not that Frank isn’t worth a hassle. But having a temper tantrum and destroying his phone would be an immature thing to do. Bitterly, he thinks, it’s something that Frank would do. 

\+ *_*_* +

It’s raining when Frank wakes up on Monday morning. The grey day matches his mood perfectly. When he looks out at the sky, it’s all one color. It’s flat. That’s how Frank feels. He feels blank. Like he’s shut down. Like if he thinks about anything too hard, it’ll all come crashing down and just be too much and he’ll explode under all the pressure from it. 

He walks the dogs in the rain before work and doesn’t even bother with an umbrella. He wants to be wet. He wants to be uncomfortable. He cranks the heater in his car on the way to work and is almost dry by the time he gets there. It’s an office day for him, which is the worst because there’s never as much to do to keep him busy. To keep him from thinking. 

He ends up spending most of the day playing with his phone, alternating between Tetris and Solitaire. He periodically checks his text messages to see if there’s anything from Gerard. When he sees that there’s not, he ends up composing messages in his head of what he would say to Gerard if he felt like texting him. He doesn’t feel like texting Gerard, though. Not at all. 

*_*_*

Okay, so maybe Frank does feel like texting Gerard. Or calling him. Or something.

He can’t sleep on Monday night. Even though he and Gerard have only been together for a couple of months, it’s already weird to go a day without talking to him. He gets it, though, why Gerard wouldn’t text him after he said he was fine yesterday. Because he’s not fine and Gerard isn’t an idiot, so Frank needs to not treat him like one. 

Frank can’t sleep and he has heartburn for no apparent reason because all he had for dinner was ramen noodles. He’s been carefully avoiding meaningful thought all day. He thinks going this long without his normal brain chatter must be some kind of a record for him. Once he turns out the lights, he isn’t able to keep himself from thinking anymore. It doesn’t take long for him to get bored with lying in bed, his brain going around in circles. 

The first time he gets out of bed, he goes to the kitchen and has a bowl of cereal and takes some Tums for his heartburn.

The second time he gets up, he goes into the bathroom and stares at himself in the mirror for a while before deciding to floss his teeth and clip his toenails. He figures, ‘what the hell?’ Since he can’t sleep, he might as well use the time to catch up on personal grooming. 

The third time he gets up, he has a cigarette and calls Gerard. He doesn’t even consider texting, there’s no way he’s going to sleep tonight until he actually hears Gerard’s voice. Even if Gerard’s already asleep, the phone will wake him and right now Frank doesn’t care about that, they need to talk. 

Gerard picks up on the first ring, so he was clearly not sleeping. “Hey,” he says. His tone is warm and Frank wants to drown in the sound of his voice forever. He wonders why they don’t talk on the phone more often.

“Hey.”

“What time is it?”

Frank snorts. “You don’t know?”

“I was painting.” Frank can hear water running on the other end of the line, he thinks Gerard must be washing up. “I don’t have a clock in here, it distracts me.”

Frank turns his head around to look at the clock on his nightstand. “It’s one-thirty-five in the morning.”

He hears the click of a lighter as Gerard lights up a cigarette. He says, “That’s really late for you,” as he exhales his first drag. “Why are you still up?” He sounds concerned.

Frank sighs. “I can’t sleep.”

Gerard’s quiet. Frank hears him say, “Hmmm,” but other than that it’s just the sound of his smoking. It’s somewhat unusual for Gerard to be quiet on the phone, he almost always has something to tell Frank right away about what he’s been doing. Frank realizes Gerard’s waiting for him. Being unnervingly patient. He thinks Gerard would sit and smoke, holding the phone and waiting for him to talk all night if he had to. This angers him because how can Gerard be so patient, so understanding, so fucking perfect all the time? It’s too much. He’s too good. Frank can never measure up to that.

After a few more moments of silence, Gerard breathes out, “Frankie.” It’s so tender it almost breaks Frank’s heart.

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

Frank stubs out his cigarette in the ashtray and lies back on his pillow, rubbing at his eyes. “For being so fucked up.”

Gerard huffs. “You are not fucked up, Frank.” He sounds quite certain of this.

“I made you hurt me… I don’t know why I did that.”

“Ahhh.” Gerard makes understanding noises. “You just wanted me to make you feel.” His tone is much softer now. Frank lets it caress his ears. “There’s nothing wrong with that. If I thought I would have hurt you too badly, I wouldn’t have done it.”

“I know.” Frank feels the wet, crying sound creeping into his voice and takes a deep breath to try and make it go away. “I trust you.”

“Okay. So you trust me not to hurt you too badly, and I give you what you need.” Gerard pauses as he takes a drag. “It’s okay. That might not have been a one time thing, but it isn’t as if you can’t get off without pain.”

Frank knows all this. He’s told himself these things before, he knows he isn’t really deviant, but he still feels unsettled. “You just seemed so bothered by it, though.”

“I’m sorry about that.” Gerard sighs and Frank can hear some shuffling on the other end of phone. He pictures Gerard trying to get comfortable on the old tweed sofa in his back studio. “I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I was surprised, is all.” He takes a deep breath. “I was mad at myself because even though you were so swollen and sore, I still wanted you. I couldn’t make myself not want you. And I thought you were still mad at me… I didn’t want you to be feeling that way while we were supposed to be making love.”

“I was,” Frank says immediately, finally being honest. “I was mad still, or sad actually.” He swallows. “But being mad at you doesn’t make me stop loving you. And I didn’t want to think about that, I just wanted to feel you.”

“Right.” Gerard breathes softly for a few seconds before he continues, “So we’re back where we started. You just needed me to make you feel instead of think. That makes sense… And you’re _not fucked up_.”

After a few seconds of considering all this, Frank simply says, “Okay.” He’s out of concerns and finally starting to feel relaxed. The more Gerard talks him down, the more the insistent thrumming under his skin starts to lessen. “I think I just needed to hear your voice.”

“You feel better now?”

“Yeah.” Frank yawns. “And finally sleepy.”

“Okay,” Gerard says quietly. “I should let you sleep then.”

“Wait, Gerard?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you bring me lunch tomorrow?” Frank’s never asked before. It’s always been something Gerard planned to surprise him, but he can’t bear to go to sleep now not knowing if he’s going to see Gerard tomorrow. 

“Hmmm.” Gerard’s quiet for a moment, thinking. “I have a conference call at two, so I won’t be able to hang around after we eat to keep you company while you work.”

“That’s okay,” Frank says quickly. “I just want to see you.”

“Alright, then. I’ll come a little bit early maybe.”

Frank feels like he’s more relieved than he should be. He hadn’t realized quite the depth of his anxiety over things with Gerard. “Okay.” It’s silent on the other end of the line. “Gee?”

“I’m still here.”

“Will you talk to me until I fall asleep?”

Gerard laughs a little bit as he says, “Sure” and Frank can hear the sounds of fabrics rubbing together. He figures Gerard is settling in and getting comfortable on the couch. “What do you want me to talk about?”

Frank reaches to turn off the lamp. Then he puts his phone on speaker and lays it on the pillow by his head. “Tell me what happens next in ‘Umbrella Academy’.”

“Ah, okay.” He hears Gerard light up another cigarette and take a deep drag before he starts, “Well, when we last left the brothers and sisters…”

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard listens to Frank’s breathing after he’s fallen asleep for a full forty minutes before he finally ends the phone call. He just lies there, watching the numbers on the call time climb and tries to match his breathing with Frank’s. He keeps hoping he’ll fall asleep here, listening to Frank breathe. His alarm clock is loud enough to wake him in the morning even all the way down here. Closing his eyes, he tries to let the sound of Frank’s sound sleeping calm him, but it doesn’t. 

It can’t calm him because Gerard is a liar. Not that he’s ever explicitly made Frank any promises that are intentional lies, but every breath that Frank takes is evidence that he’s becoming reliant on Gerard. And allowing Frank to rely on him like that… it’s an unspoken promise for the future. It’s a promise that Gerard can’t keep.

So Gerard is a liar, holding onto something that he knows is doomed to fail. He hates himself for holding on like this, but he’s just not ready to let go yet. He’s addicted to Frank. He can’t help himself. Frank’s the most amazing person he’s ever known. He knows he’s being selfish, hanging on to him. He knows it, but he can’t stop. 

He only ends up sleeping restlessly for a few hours before he has to get up and prepare for his conference call with his publishers in the afternoon. He completely loses track of time making notes for the meeting and ends up rushing through fixing sandwiches for his lunch with Frank. Sandwiches are the simplest, quickest thing he can think of. He hadn’t planned to have lunch with Frank today, but after their conversation last night, he feels like it’s pretty obvious that they need to see each other sooner rather than later. 

It’s after noon by the time Gerard gets to the shelter; it’s been raining all morning and traffic makes the drive take much longer than usual. When Gerard walks in, it’s clear that Frank’s been waiting for him. He doesn’t act annoyed or anything, though, just comes around the desk with a smile and gives him a tight hug before they walk back into the storage room by the kennel, where they eat on rainy days. Frank doesn’t seem upset today and Gerard is glad of that. He thinks perhaps he can hold onto this sinking ship a bit longer, after all. 

Gerard looks around the room and considers it while they eat. A while back, one of the volunteers donated their old couch to the shelter to use in this room so that it’s almost like a staff lounge. Only it’s not really. Not at all. It’s pretty dark and claustrophobic with towers of boxes and shelves full of dog food and supplies looming over them while they eat. The drop down florescent lights always hurt Gerard’s eyes and give him a headache, and the couch cushions are so soft that when they sit, they sink down to where it feels like the couch is going to swallow them up. Frank sits so that he’s angled toward Gerard, the sinking of the cushions pushing them together. While absently kissing the top of his head, Gerard notices that Frank’s hair smells different today.

“Did you use a different shampoo?”

“Yeah, this one was on sale.” Frank looks up at him and smiles. “You know, no one else would ever notice that?”

Gerard is slightly offended. “I always notice how you smell.”

“I know.” Frank takes a bite of his sandwich and swallows. “It’s sweet, but it’s like, disconcerting too. Most people don’t pay that much attention.”

Gerard thinks that’s really sad. “People should pay more attention to the people they love.”

“Yeah they should.” Frank nods. “Oh! Your mom called me this morning.”

“She did?” Gerard didn’t even know his mom had Frank’s number. But he supposes he shouldn’t be surprised, she’s always gushing about how wonderful Frank is.

“Mmmmhmmm. She says she’s definitely coming to my birthday show,” Frank says happily.

Oh that. “Is that so?”

“Yup.” Frank is bouncing a little bit as he speaks and it’s making them both shake on the couch. Crumbs are spilling out from the sandwiches they have perched on their laps, but he doesn’t seem to notice. “And you know who else is coming?”

“Who?”

“My dad.” Frank’s eyes keep getting brighter. “It’s been over a year since he’s come down for one of my shows.”

“That’s great, Frankie!” Gerard really means it, he really is happy for Frank. He wants all the people who love Frank to be at his show since Gerard can’t be there.

“Yeah, so that’s…” Frank starts ticking off his fingers. “My dad and Ray and Christa and Maria.” He gestures toward the office to indicate his co-worker. “Basically, all my friends are coming, Mikey and Alicia, my boyfriend’s mom, oh, and even my ex! Did I tell you Leslie’s planning to come?” Frank raises his eyebrow at Gerard.

“No, you didn’t,” Gerard answers, his voice flat and unamused.

“Well she is,” Frank affirms. “So all those people are going to be there. Basically everyone in my life who’s important to me, except-” Frank turns to look at him with a piercing glare. “All except for my boyfriend. My boyfriend is not going to be there.”

Gerard swallows and returns Frank’s glare. He doesn’t even try to stop his annoyed response because he’s getting tired of this. “You’re a really persistent little fucker, you know that?”

Frank’s eyes instantly darken. “Don’t call me little.”

“Okay, not little. But you’re still a persistent fucker.” Gerard can’t keep the frustration out of his voice.

“I know that.” Frank reaches for Gerard’s hand and he reluctantly lets Frank hold it. “I know that and that isn’t going to change, it’s just how I am.” He looks up at Gerard now, his eyes less angry and more pleading. “I’m going to be persistent for just a little bit longer now, all you have to do is listen and think about what I’m saying, okay? Can you do that for me?”

Gerard nods. “Okay.” 

Frank takes a deep breath. “Okay, so I know you’re scared. I get that. I think. I mean I need to believe it’s fear and not just stubbornness. But the thing is…” He starts pushing his thumbs into the palm of Gerard’s hand and continues on, his words falling out of his mouth quickly. “I don’t think you need to be afraid. I mean like, what your reasons are for being scared, I think. I think they’re unfounded. I know you don’t want to go back to old habits, I get that. I really don’t think you will, though. Not at all, you’re stronger than that.” He considers Gerard for a moment and shakes himself a bit. “Anyway, I think maybe what you’re forgetting is that I’m not asking you to come to every show, it’s just _one_ show.” He holds up one finger for emphasis. “And Mikey will be there and you can stay by him the _whole_ time if you want to. And you don’t even have to come for the entire show. You can get there late and leave right after our set’s done. You can stand at the back and lurk in the shadows or whatever, I don’t even care. No one even has to know you’re there, you don’t have to talk to anyone or be social at all.” Frank stops to catch his breath before bringing his hand up to lay against Gerard’s cheek. “It’s just this _one_ thing, Gerard. It’s one thing. That’s all I’m asking. I think you can do it… for me.”

Gerard closes his eyes and lets his face lean into Frank’s fingers. He brings his own hand up to cover Frank’s and slowly brings his hand around to kiss his palm. When he opens his eyes, Frank is still looking at him expectantly and breaking his heart. He swallows once, twice, and says, “Frank, I just can’t.”

Frank slowly pulls his hand back and pushes both his hands into his lap. He doesn’t seem to notice as the remains of his sandwich fall to the floor. His eyes darken again as he says softly, “Fuck you.” It stings. “Fuck you, Gerard, because now you are just being stubborn. You won’t even consider it.” Frank’s voice starts to rise, gaining a hysterical edge. “Why won’t you even consider it?”

Gerard tries to be reasonable. “Because it’s just not a possibility for me.”

Frank practically shouts now. “You only think that! You can’t know that if you won’t even try!” Gerard puts his hand up in a soothing manner and tries to shush him, but Frank grabs his hand and throws it away. “Stop shushing me all the time! It’s so condescending.”

Gerard throws his hands up. “Well, I don’t really know what else to do with you, Frank, when you insist upon acting like a spoiled child!”

Frank’s eyes turn cold. “I’m not a child.”

“Then don’t act like one!” Gerard is beyond exasperated. “I’m sorry you can’t have everything you want, but that’s how life is, sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to.” Gerard takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself before continuing. “Frank, I _told_ you about this. I warned you that this is how I am the very first day we hung out. Do you remember that?”

Frank looks down at his lap before he replies. “Yes.”

“Okay, so what? Was I unclear that day? Because nothing has changed since then. Falling in love with you hasn’t somehow magically made me into a different person, sorry about that.” From the way Frank is hunching his shoulders, Gerard can tell his sarcastic tone is cutting him, but Gerard can’t help it that being nice just doesn’t seem to get through to Frank.

Frank wraps his arms around himself. “But don’t-” He sighs and looks back up at Gerard, his eyes only hold sadness now. “Don’t you want to live your life again? Don’t you want to be happy?”

Gerard is startled by the questions. He didn’t think Frank thought he was unhappy. His voice is softer when he responds. “Frank, I _am_ living my life.” He waves his hands. “This is my life, and it’s _good_. I’m happy. Was happy even before I met you.” Gerard runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “I’m sorry if you thought that us being together was going to change things for me, but it’s not.” He’s at a loss. “I’m sorry if I let you think that I’d be able to do more for you than I can.” 

“I thought…” Frank stops and cocks his head to the side before shaking it miserably. “I don’t know what I thought.”

“I’m sorry, Frank.” Gerard can’t think of anything else to say. Frank just stares down at his lap and leans back into the couch cushions, looking utterly defeated. Gerard’s phone dings, startling them both. It’s his reminder that it’s time to leave for his conference call. “I have to go.”

Frank shrugs. “Kay,” he mumbles.

Gerard cleans up the mess from the sandwiches as he leaves. He doesn’t say anything else to Frank. But before he goes, he leans down to kiss the top of his head, Frank doesn’t try to stop him. Then he walks out into the kennel, leaving Frank alone on the couch in the depressing room. 

\+ *_*_* +

“Frank,” Christa says softly. “He did warn you.”

“I know that!” Frank is raving. “I know what he said. I get it, okay? It’s just-” He walks the length of the alley in back of the building for the hundredth time before coming back to where Christa’s sitting on a cinder block by the dumpster, holding onto the dog’s leashes. “It’s just that he’s done all these other things, you know? Like, taking the dogs out for a walk and having dinner with you and Ray and letting me come to his house that no one but his brother had ever been inside of before.” He waves his arms and gladly accepts the cigarette Christa offers him. He thinks he must have smoked a pack just since he got home from work. “So those are things he thought he couldn’t do, but he _did them_ and he was _fine_.” Frank inhales deeply and blows the smoke out. “He’s totally fine. He’s not-” He motions his hand, looking for words. “He’s not weird or messed up. I think he thinks he is… Wishes he was, maybe? Because then he’d have an excuse. A reason to hide from the world.” Frank sits down on a cinderblock next to Christa and smokes angrily. The dogs push their noses up against his legs in concern, but he ignores them.

Christa looks at him sadly. “Maybe he’s just not ready.”

Frank rests his head in his hand, his elbow on his knee. “I think I’d be okay with ‘not ready’. But that’s not what he says. He says, ‘this is just how I am, Frank.’” Frank does a terrible imitation of Gerard’s voice. “It’s like he has no intention of changing, ever!” Frank stretches his neck back and groans, rubbing his hands over his face and gets cigarette ash all over the place. Some of it lands on Kirby’s nose. He shakes his head to dislodge it and sneezes three times in a row. It’s adorable.

Christa and Frank just stare at him. Christa laughs first and Frank joins in a few seconds later, the laughter soon bubbling out of him to the point of near hysteria. Eventually Christa puts her hand on his leg and looks at him thoughtfully as he calms down. “Did he ever say he wanted to change?”

Frank sighs. “No. He says he’s happy like this.”

“You don’t believe him?”

“No, I do. I mean, I don’t think he’s unhappy.” Frank tugs at a piece of his hair. “I just think he could have more… joy. If he’d let himself experience the world a little more.”

“Maybe he thinks he already has enough joy,” Christa says, reasonably.

“Oh, he definitely does,” Frank sneers. He continues bitterly, “He’s the very picture of contentment.”

Christa looks at Frank sideways for a moment. “So I guess what you have to decide is if you can be content.” She pauses, considering. “Can you be content with Gerard just as he is or are you always going to be wanting more from him?”

Frank stomps out his cigarette and replays Christa’s words in his mind while absently petting Princess’s ears where she’s rested her head in his lap. He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

Christa grabs his hand and squeezes it. “Well, I think maybe that’s something you need to figure out.”

They both look up as they hear Ray rounding the corner, carrying three overflowing plastic grocery bags. “Okay, I got every flavor of Cheetos and Doritos they had, a twelve pack of beer, a carton of cigarettes, and five bags of Skittles.”

Frank stands up and throws his arms around Ray. “Thank you,” he says desperately. 

Ray pats his head gently while trying not to drop the grocery bags. Frank feels Christa rubbing his back where she’s come around to take one of the bags from Ray. “C’mon,” she says softly. “Let’s get our Frankie inside and fill him up with crappy delicious food and cheap beer.” She adds sagely, “It’s the only answer.” 

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard paints Frank. He paints Frank all afternoon and evening after his conference call. He paints all night long. It’s a compulsion. He can’t stop. He doesn’t want to eat or drink or sleep or do anything except paint Frank. He fills five canvasses with images of Frank from the two months they’ve spent together. 

When Gerard notices early morning light coming in through the skylights, he stops to have a cigarette. He looks around his studio and sees nothing but Frank’s face and Frank’s body and he realizes that he needs to paint Frank now while he’s still fresh in his memory. He needs to paint Frank before he forgets. 

\+ *_*_* +

By Thursday night, Frank is going crazy. Yesterday he was still angry after venting to Christa, and then just hurt after repeatedly replaying his argument with Gerard in his mind. Now he doesn’t even know how he feels. He just knows that he can’t breathe. He feels like he’s suffocating. He can’t sit still or concentrate on anything and sleep is completely out of the question. 

He’s standing in his kitchen feeling totally off kilter, like the earth is tilting the wrong way off its axis and he can’t get his balance. The dogs are staring at him like he’s an alien. He feels a little bit like he might burst into flames at any second and he feels like there are bugs crawling under his skin trying to get out. He thinks he’s going insane and he wonders if this is what happens when people finally lose it for good and check themselves into mental wards. 

He sits down on the floor and tries to calm himself and when he closes his eyes, all he sees is Gerard’s face. He thinks about the way Gerard tastes and how he smells and how he has this uncanny ability to make Frank just be and relax when nothing else in the world can. He takes deep breaths and all he wants is to feel Gerard’s strong arms around him, holding him, anchoring him, making him feel like everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. He repeats these words to himself over and over again and calls Gerard.

Gerard doesn’t answer. 

Gerard has never not answered a call from Frank. Not one single time since they’ve been together. 

Frank looks at the clock above the stove. It’s midnight, Gerard could be sleeping, but it’s highly unusual for the phone to not wake him up. Frank thinks he’s probably sleeping, he calls again. 

Gerard doesn’t answer. Frank’s mind is suddenly filled with all the horrible reasons why Gerard might not be answering his phone. He might have been in some kind of accident, he could be sick, or in trouble or… He might not be able to wake up because he’s passed out. Oh God, what if Gerard has been drinking again? Frank ponders this for a brief moment of horror, but then finally relents to the insistent voice of reason, which suggests that perhaps Gerard just doesn’t want to talk to Frank. This frightening thought hurts Frank worse than all of the other possibilities combined. 

Frank stares at his phone in frustration and decides to send Gerard a text. If he doesn’t want to talk, that’s fine, but he can at least answer a text to let Frank know he’s okay. 

_Ur not answering my calls now? R u there? R u ok?_

Frank figures it probably sounds pushy and indignant, but he doesn’t really care. He feels like he deserves to be treated better than this by someone who’s supposed to love him. Gerard replies almost instantly and Frank feels like he’s been stabbed. In icy chill runs down his spine because now there’s no question, Gerard was ignoring his calls. Gerard doesn’t want to talk to him. 

He checks the reply.

_I’m here. I’m not okay._

Frank thinks for one ridiculous second of asking Gerard what’s wrong and then ends up laughing hysterically at himself for the thought because he _knows_ what’s wrong. He just doesn’t know what to say. He thinks back to every fight he ever had with Leslie. When he just wanted the fighting to end and have things go back to normal, there was one thing he could say that almost always helped. He prays it will work as well with Gerard as it did with Leslie. 

_I’m sorry._

Gerard’s response is immediate and direct.

_What are you sorry for?_

Frank can’t think. He can’t think. What’s he sorry for? He looks at the dogs but they are no help. There must be something. There must be something specific he’s done to make Gerard so upset with him that he doesn’t even want to talk to him. Or maybe it’s not something specific, maybe it’s a hundred things, maybe it’s everything. He can’t bullshit this. That never worked for long with Leslie, it _certainly_ isn’t going to work with Gerard. 

_I don’t know? Everything?_

Frank stares at the clock for six and a half agonizing minutes awaiting Gerard’s reply. When the phone finally does buzz, it startles Frank to the point where he actually jumps. 

_I’m sorry, too. For everything._

Frank’s relief is beyond anything he could ever possibly express and he’s crying before he even realizes what’s happening. Not just crying, he’s sobbing. Sitting on the floor, head in hands, sobbing. It’s like all the emotions from the last several days are all flooding out of him at once in liquid form. 

When he finally gets his hands to stop shaking, he texts Gerard again.

_Will u come over tomorrow after work?_

Frank has control of himself and is breathing normally by the time Gerard replies. 

_Yes._

That confirmation is enough to make Frank feel like the earth is finally back on its proper axis. He finds his balance and walks to bed, leaving his phone on the kitchen floor. He’s never been so emotionally exhausted before in his entire life. Not even taking off his clothes first, he falls into bed, asleep almost before his head hits the pillow.

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard has a Jackson Pollock style freak out on Thursday night. It’s something he hasn’t done in years. When he first got clean it was a near daily occurrence. He remembers those initial months of sobriety as a cycle of nothing more than work, AA meetings, and what Bert used to call, “wasting paint”. 

Gerard is wasting paint now. He doesn’t care. He can afford it. He’s an artist. He can waste all the paint he wants. Bert’s biggest complaint was always the mess when he did this. And Bert didn’t even _live_ with him. He didn’t even have to deal with the mess. Fucking Bert. Fucking Frank. Fucking beautiful men who come into his life and make him fall in love with them until he starts to forget who he is and lets them think he can do things for them that he _can’t do for them_.

What was he thinking? All this time with Frank, what the hell has been going through his head? He knew this was going to happen. He _knew_ things could never work out between them. And all this time… All this time he’s been hoping, praying that he can be enough, but he’s not. It’s not going to matter how much he loves Frank, he can’t be what Frank wants. He’s never going to be enough.

Right now he’s slamming brushes covered in black and blue paint into his work table to make glorious splatters on tan butcher paper that he has taped all across the wall. He’s broken eleven brushes today. He thinks vaguely that the splatters look like a bruise. The wall of his studio looks like a massive bone bruise. Unlike real bruises, this one will never heal.

The worst part, Gerard thinks… The worst part is that he can’t even be mad at Frank because this isn’t Frank’s fault. Gerard can’t remember ever having been this selfish before in all his life. He’s lied to Frank by omission every single day they’ve been together. Gerard should have run the day he met Frank. He should have _run_. Run away and never looked back because this is hell. The way he feels right now is what he thinks hell must be like for the blackest souls to ever walk the earth. 

That’s where he belongs, he thinks. This is what he deserves, to feel like this. To feel like… not like he’s dying, but… like he’s killed someone. Looked them dead in the eyes and pulled the trigger. 

His phone rings, it’s Frank and he can’t answer it. He can’t talk to Frank. He can’t do it. It hurts too much. 

He reads Frank’s text message and realizes that he’s making Frank hurt. He lied. He said he would never hurt Frank and now he has… is. 

Another text and Frank says he’s sorry. He’s sorry? What does Frank have to be sorry for? He never lied. He never made promises he can’t keep. 

The response is quick. _Everything._

Frank is sorry for everything and Gerard feels sick. He just barely makes it to the bathroom in time before throwing up. He’s hardly eaten anything today and it isn’t long before he’s dry heaving into the toilet. 

When he gets back to the studio he realizes that he never texted Frank back. It’s not hard to think of what to say. He’s sorry too. He’s so fucking sorry.

He agrees to go to Frank’s house tomorrow night because he can’t say no. He can’t hurt Frank anymore. 

The minute he sends the text he falls to the floor and begins to sob. He lets himself cry. He never cries. But he’s too weak to stop the tears tonight. He cries tears of rage over his own guilt for being so fucking selfish and stupid. He cries tears of sorrow over losing the one man he thought could love him for who he is. The most amazing person he’s ever met. He cries until he can’t cry anymore and then he smokes. He lies on the floor in his studio all night long. Watching the smoke curl up to the ceiling, ashing in a pile on the floor, and thinking of nothing except for Frank’s face, Frank’s smell, Frank’s taste, Frank’s skin, Frank, Frank, Frank.

\+ *_*_* +

Frank answers the buzzer immediately to let Gerard into the building when he shows up on Friday night. He may have been sitting by the door smoking since he got home from work 40 minutes ago. 

He stands in the open doorway and his gut drops the second he sees Gerard’s face when he turns the corner. His eyes are puffy like he hasn’t slept and has maybe… been crying? Frank’s never seen Gerard cry. Gerard walks slowly up the hall and stops when he gets to Frank. He doesn’t immediately lean down to kiss him like he normally would. Frank doesn’t care. He reaches up and brushes a kiss against Gerard’s scruffy cheek anyway. Gerard doesn’t push him away. He just puts his hand on Frank’s hip lightly and closes his eyes for a moment, breathing in deeply. Then he pulls back. He doesn’t say ‘hey’ or ‘hi’ or anything, just waits for Frank to back up and let him in. 

Frank almost doesn’t want to let him in. He wants to start this over. Or he wants it to be a dream or something. He certainly doesn’t want Gerard to be standing here looking distraught and _not kissing him_. 

But he has to let Gerard in. So he does. He backs up and Gerard walks inside, kneeling down to pet the dogs who’ve been bouncing excitedly since he arrived. 

“You want some coffee?” It’s the first thing that comes to Frank’s mind to say.

Gerard doesn’t look up when he says, “Sure.”

He does follow Frank into the kitchen after a minute, though, and sits down at the table. After Frank finishes preparing the coffee and presses the button to start it brewing, he comes to sit across from Gerard and he doesn’t know what to say. He puts his hands on the table, and when Gerard mirrors his actions, doing the same, Frank quickly grabs his fingers and squeezes them tightly. “Gee,” he starts, his voice cracking, and looks up to find Gerard staring at him, his eyes hollow and distant. Gerard’s never looked at him like that before and Frank is suddenly very afraid. He swallows and says, “Gee,” again, louder this time, gripping Gerard’s hands more tightly. 

Gerard snatches his hands back and buries them in his lap under the table. “I’m sorry, Frank.”

Frank starts shaking his head immediately. “It’s okay,” he whispers.

“No, it’s not.” Gerard’s voice sounds rough and gravelly, as if he’s smoked four cartons of cigarettes since they last talked. “It’s not okay.”

“No, it is,” Frank argues. “I’m not mad anymore. I mean I still wish you would come to the show, but-”

Gerard cuts him off before he has a chance to finish. “I know. But you should be mad at me. You should hate me.”

“No.” Frank shakes his head more vigorously. “Why?” He’s at a loss. “I could never hate you, I-” Frank really needs Gerard to stop looking at him like that. “Why should I be mad at you?”

Gerard’s tone is flat. “Because I’m not who you thought I was.” 

Frank is baffled and has a creeping sense of terror crawling up his spine. He says quietly, “What are you talking about?”

“I can’t love you the way you need to be loved.” Gerard’s eyes are filled with such a deep sadness it breaks Frank’s heart. 

“Yes you can.” Frank chokes down a sob. “You love me perfectly.”

“No.” Gerard’s shaking his head. “No, I’m hurting you.”

Frank just continues shaking his head, saying softly, “No, no, no, no, no, no.”

Gerard takes his hands again and rubs his thumbs over the tops gently. “Frank, I’m just going to keep disappointing you. I can’t be what you want.”

“You’re exactly what I want!” Frank yells, throwing Gerard’s hands back at him across the table.

“No, you only _think_ that. I’ve let you.” Gerard sighs. “Somehow I’ve let you believe that I can be something I can’t be.” Gerard waves his hands. “It’s not just this show. If it’s not this show, then it’s going to be another show, or something else. You’re always going to be wanting more from me and you’ll _always_ be disappointed.” Gerard sinks back in his chair, hunching his shoulders. His voice is much softer when he continues, “I should’ve… I shouldn’t’ve let it go on this long.”

Frank feels his heart sink in horror. He wants to scream or run away. “What do you mean?”

Gerard sits up and leans across the table, putting his hand on Frank’s cheek. “I have to let you go.” It’s almost a whisper.

This can’t be happening. “But I don’t _want_ you to let me go!” Frank shakes his face out of Gerard’s hand and stands up to come around the table, Gerard stands up to meet him. “Gee, don’t do this.” He grabs onto Gerard’s shirt, clutching it tightly in his fingers.

“Frank.” Gerard takes a deep breath and when he speaks again his voice is even, rational. How is he so fucking calm right now? “Frank, I have to, for both of us. I’m just not…” He looks around for the right words. “I’m just not good for other people. It was selfish of me to think you could be happy like this.”

This is all so wrong. Gerard’s words are like nonsense. This makes no sense. “I am happy!” Frank stamps his feet.

“No, you’re not.” Gerard waves his hand and brings it to rest on Frank’s wrist where his hand is still clutching his shirt. “Look at you! You’re a mess, I’ve let you depend on me way too much.”

“Fuck you, Gerard!” Frank lets go of his shirt and pushes against his chest. “I’ll tell you whether I’m happy or not and I’m happy with you.” His voice is pleading. “You make me so fucking happy. And I can depend on you if I want to!”

Gerard grasps Frank’s hands where they’ve been pushing against his chest. “Frank it’s not good.” He shakes his head. “It’s not good for you. And it’s not good for me. I just can’t...” He brings a hand up to Frank’s cheek again, wiping at the tear that’s started to fall down it. “I can’t do the things you need. You deserve someone else who can do those things for you.”

“But I don’t want someone else,” Frank argues miserably, his voice wet with the tears he doesn’t even try to stop from falling. “I want you.”

“You have to let me go.” Gerard takes his hand off Frank’s cheek and starts backing out of the kitchen and toward the door.

Frank follows him, shaking his head. “I won’t.”

Gerard stops when he gets to the door and reaches into his pocket, pulling out his key ring. Frank is horrified as he realizes Gerard’s taking off the extra key to his apartment that Frank gave him last week. “I never should have accepted this. I’m sorry.” He puts the key into Frank’s palm and curls his fingers down over the top of it. “You’ll find someone else who deserves it more than I do.”

Gerard turns to leave and Frank says quietly, “I won’t, Gee. I won’t ever find anyone else like you.”

Gerard pauses briefly in the doorway and turns his body slightly, but doesn’t look back. “I’ll miss you, Frank.” Then he’s stepping out into the hallway and closing the door behind him.

Frank sinks to the floor in a heap of sobs, folded over into himself. His chest hurts. His heart hurts. He wants the earth to swallow him up so that he can feel something else, anything but this. He feels like someone’s carved up his insides with a butcher knife. 

He’s not sure how long he sits on the floor. Eventually his dogs come over and start licking him and he realizes they must be hungry. He never fed them when he got home. When he goes to the kitchen, he sees the full pot of coffee that he and Gerard never drank and can’t help himself as he dissolves into sobs again. 

It’s a very long time before he gets it together enough to feed the dogs.

*_*_*

Frank calls in sick to work on Saturday. It’s a shitty thing to do because the shelter is always busiest on weekends and the staff is stretched thin as it is, but Frank simply does not care. He doesn’t get out of bed at all on Saturday except to take the dogs out once and only gets up on Sunday because Ray and Christa show up, using their master key to let themselves in after they call him six times and get no answer. 

He hears Christa talking quietly to the dogs as she leashes them up and takes them outside. Ray comes in and sits on the bed beside him. He doesn’t say anything until Frank’s eyes finally leave the ceiling and turn to look at him. “What happened?”

“I got dumped,” Frank says matter-of-factly, nodding his head a little.

Ray raises his eyebrows. “Just because you wanted him to come to your show?”

Frank shrugs dramatically, letting his arms fall hard onto the bed. “He thinks that he can’t make me happy.” He sighs. “He says I deserve someone better.”

“That’s bullshit.” Ray’s shaking his head angrily. “Gerard is an awesome boyfriend. He’s always been so attentive to you and caring.”

“I fucking know, right?” Frank yells at the ceiling.

Ray is incredulous. “Well, did you try to talk him out of it?” 

Frank affixes Ray with a death glare so intense, he’s amazed Ray doesn’t immediately burst into flames from it. 

“Okay.” Ray puts his hands up in surrender. “Stupid question.”

“I couldn’t argue with him, Ray. I was fucking sobbing at him, yelling. He was like ice or some shit. He usually melts for me when I’m upset but he just…” Frank throws his arms up and lets them fall on the bed again. “He just left.”

“Wow.” Ray scratches his head, thoughtfully. “That must have been really hard for him.”

“Yeah,” Frank snorts and affixes Ray with another death glare. “Really fucking hard.” His voice is laced with bitterness. “Really fucking hard for him to make me love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone and then the first time we have trouble, he walks out of my life forever. He fucking gave up, Ray.”

“I know.” Ray shakes his head, looking sorry now. “I get that, I just mean… Well this whole relationship was just so out of character for him, for how he’s been the last five years. I guess….” He looks around, squeezing his eyebrows together in thought. “I just mean he must be really hurting right now, you know? To think that he had to end it. To think that he isn’t good enough, even after everything he’s done for you.”

“Ray.” Frank glares at the ceiling so hard he thinks he might permanently damage his eyes. “Did you come here to make me feel better? Because you are really not making me feel better.”

Ray just shakes his head, playing with his hair. He grabs at Frank’s arm. “Frank, you aren’t going to just let him go, are you?”

Frank pulls his arm away from Ray and throws it over his eyes dramatically. “He said I have to!”

“But you love him!” Ray yells, then quiets. “Don’t you?”

“Of course I fucking love him! Auuugh!” Frank groans and sits up to look at Ray. “I don’t know what to fucking do. I love him but I’m also fucking pissed as hell. He walked out on me, Ray. He didn’t even give us a chance to get through this.”

Frank notices Christa leaning in the doorway to the bedroom. She comes over and sits down, immediately opening up her arms to take Frank into them. He buries his face in her neck and smells her flowery perfume and before he knows what’s happening he’s crying again. She rubs his back and shushes him softly. “He loves you so much, Frank. He just wants you to be happy.”

“I was happy with him,” he says into her neck, the sound muffled by her soft, long hair. 

“I know you were.” 

He lifts his face up and wipes the tears off his cheeks. “Then why couldn’t I make him see that?”

Christa’s fingers follow his across his face, her soft thumbs wiping firmly over the tear tracks until all the wetness is gone. “It’s not your fault, honey. I’m sure he’s just really scared.”

Frank scrunches up his face in confusion. “Scared of what?”

“Well, he’s probably got himself convinced that if he stays with you, eventually he really will disappoint you so bad that you won’t be able to get past it.” Christa tucks loose strands of hair behind Frank’s ear as she talks. “With how important this show is to you and him feeling like he simply can’t be there, it’s not really surprising that he’d feel this way.”

Frank feels so horrible, he just wants to disappear. “I made him feel this way.”

“No, no sweetie.” Christa shakes her head. “You did what anyone would do. Of course you want him at your show, it isn’t wrong that you asked him for that. But Gerard loves you so much.” She cups his cheek. “I think he probably just… couldn’t handle the idea of you leaving him over something like this. And so he’s convinced himself that he’s doing you a favor by letting you go, so the two of you don’t have to go through that.” 

Frank’s bewildered. Christa makes it sound like that all makes sense, but it really doesn’t make sense at all. He shakes his head slowly. “I wouldn’t break up with him over not going to a concert.”

“Of course you wouldn’t.” Christa pets his shoulder and looks at him sadly for a minute before opening her arms again so that he can lean back down against her. He feels Ray’s hand fall firmly on his back between his shoulder blades and doesn’t even try to fight it when the sobs start again. 

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard gives himself three days to drown in memories before he puts away his paintings of Frank. He does almost no work these days and only draws Frank a little. He thinks of just a few more things, a few last images from their time together that he needs to get down on paper before they’re gone from his mind, and then he’s finished. He ends up using the last few pages of the sketchpad he’d been drawing in while they were together. It was practically new when he met Frank. The last couple of drawings round out the whole ‘story of Frank’ all neatly told in pictures. 

So Gerard gets three days to think back and reminisce and then he’s done. On Tuesday, he spends the whole day on the project of ‘putting away’ Frank. He wraps all the paintings carefully and carries them downstairs to his climate-controlled storage space in the basement. He’s never kept many pieces in here, because he tends to sell almost all of his work, rarely keeping anything for sentimental value. He’s glad he had the room built, though. Now he can keep his beautiful memories of Frank in here forever where they’ll stay in pristine condition. He thinks vaguely that Mikey and Alicia’s grandchildren will inherit them someday. Perhaps the paintings will be sold at auction sixty years from now and Frank will become famous post-mortem as the one true secret love of Gerard Way. Gerard allows himself to wallow in this tragic romance until the mean voice in the back of his head tells him that in sixty years, no one will even remember The Umbrella Academy and so no one will care who Gerard Way’s true love was. Mikey’s grandkids will probably end up selling the paintings at a garage sale. 

Once all the beautiful canvasses are stowed, Gerard picks up his ‘sketchpad of Frank’ and decides to allow himself one last trip down memory lane before he stores it in the basement with the paintings. He flips back to the beginning and finds that the first few drawings in the sketchpad are of Pebbles, from the day he brought her home to Mikey and Alicia’s house. Then he comes to the drawing of her and Frank in the office at the animal shelter. He remembers the day he went back to draw Frank’s tattoos. He had never actually intended to give this picture to Mikey and Alicia to frame, but now he feels like he really wants to. 

He carefully tears the picture out of the pad and takes it with him into the ‘stuff room’ where he has a pile of extra frames lying against a wall. He finds one that will fit the drawing and takes it into the kitchen to clean all the dust off the glass before he puts the picture in it. Looking at the clock on the microwave, he sees that it’s only seven o’clock. There’s no reason why he can’t bring the picture over to Mikey and Alicia tonight. 

When Mikey answers the door, he doesn’t seem surprised at all to see Gerard. Gerard called him on Friday night when he got home and told him he’d broken up with Frank. Mikey didn’t do much talking that night. He mostly just listened and let Gerard wallow in his misery. Gerard figures he might have more he wants to say now, but Mikey doesn’t start talking immediately. He gives him a long look before he backs up from the door to let Gerard walk into the house. 

Gerard gets about three steps into the foyer before Alicia looks up from where she’s loading the dishwasher in the kitchen and sees him. She wipes her hands on her jeans as she walks over to him and then slaps him hard across the face. “What is _wrong_ with you?” she demands. Gerard immediately grabs at his cheek where it’s now burning hot from the slap. That really hurt. Alicia’s not done. “You should be ashamed of yourself!” She crosses her arms in front of her, backs up a few steps and glares at him. 

Once Gerard is sure she’s not going to yell or hit him anymore, he says sorrowfully, “Believe me. I am ashamed of myself.” 

Alicia stares at him for approximately three more seconds before her face falters and falls into a piteous expression. “Oh, Gerard.” She moves forward and wraps her arms around him, pulling his head down into the crook of her neck and petting his hair. When she finally lets him up, she backs up a step and puts her hand on his cheek. “Are you okay?”

Gerard shakes his head and laughs a little. “I am not okay, not at all.” 

Mikey asks, “Why didn’t you come over sooner? We’ve been texting you.”

“I know. I saw. I just wanted to be alone.” He shrugs. “Anyway, I brought you guys something.”

“What is it?” Alicia backs up to look at what he’s holding. Gerard turns the picture, so that she can see the drawing in the front of the frame. She gasps and brings her hand up over her mouth. “It’s gorgeous.” 

Gerard holds it out so Mikey can see and then surrenders it to Alicia’s outstretched hands. “This is the one I finished that day I went back. When I said I needed to draw his tattoos. I used you guys as an excuse. I said I wanted to draw something of Pebbles for you to frame and I had to get it right.”

Alicia looks at him in confusion. “Don’t you want it?”

Gerard shrugs his shoulders. “It was ‘supposed’ to be for you guys initially anyway and I’ve got dozens of drawings of Frank. And this one, I just…” He shakes his head. “I can’t keep it.”

Alicia steps forward and puts her hand on his chest. “Thank you, Gerard. This is really special.”

Alicia goes to the back door to call Pebbles in so that she can “see” the drawing. Mikey reminds her that dogs can’t see two dimensional and Gerard argues that it doesn’t matter because she can _smell_ it. Also, Gerard’s convinced that Pebbles will somehow just _know_ that it’s a picture of her and Frank. He doesn’t say this out loud though, he’s feeling crazy enough right now already. He doesn’t need to be giving Mikey and Alicia reasons to try to check him into a mental institution.

Alicia makes a pot of regular coffee without even a single comment about how late it is and they sit down at the kitchen table with it and a bag of microwave popcorn. Mikey asks, “Have you talked to Frank at all since Friday?”

Gerard shakes his head mournfully. “There’s no reason, Mikes. It’s over.”

Mikey’s eyes are dark, his voice hard when he speaks. “Frank doesn’t think it is.”

“You talked to him?” Gerard doesn’t know why he’s surprised. He shouldn’t be. Frank was Mikey’s friend first.

“Of course! I called him to make sure he didn’t throw himself off a bridge! That boy is _so_ gone for you, Gee. Do you even realize?”

“I do! I know, of course I know!” Gerard drops his head to the table and tugs at his hair. “What I’ve done to him, it’s just… just so unfair of me.”

He feels Alicia’s hand come up on his arm to disentangle his fingers from his hair. “You made him happy, Gee. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Gerard lifts his head and groans. “No, it was wrong. I should have… I don’t know. I knew it wasn’t going to work since the beginning I just thought….” Alicia rubs at his shoulder and waits. He shakes his head again. “I don’t know what I thought.”

Mikey’s dead serious when he speaks again. “It can still work, Gee.”

“No.” Gerard is adamant. “No, Mikes, it’s done. It’s too hard. I’m never going to be able to do the things he wants.” He stops and pins Mikey with a stare. “And don’t you go getting his hopes up either. If he thinks it isn’t over just… When you talk to him, please don’t get his hopes up. It’s finished, Mikes.”

Mikey sighs, defeated and sits back in his chair, drinking his coffee and not looking at Gerard. Alicia continues rubbing at Gerard’s shoulder. “I know it’s not really the issue,” she says softly. “I mean, I get that it’s the principle of him wanting too much from you but, his show, Gee.” She stops and squeezes his arm, looking at him imploringly. “You’re really certain you can’t do it?”

Gerard sighs. “I _want_ to. I mean, I don’t want to go to a show, but I want to do this for Frank, to make him happy.” Gerard pulls out his cigarettes and lights one, coffee alone isn’t enough to get him through this conversation. He blows out a long stream of air after lighting up. “But then I get so pissed off because I feel like he shouldn’t even be asking this of me. I’ve tried everything I know to make him understand that I’m not just being stubborn, I’m fucking terrified!”

Mikey slaps his hand holding the cigarette and startles Gerard out of his whining. “You are _not_ afraid of public places.” 

“I know that! I’m scared of…” He looks around like the answer is hovering in the room somewhere. “I’m scared…” Sitting back, he takes a deep drag, thinking angrily to himself for a moment. “I’m scared of being that person again.”

Mikey huffs and Alicia looks thoughtful. “You know I never really knew Bert, but honestly from what I can tell, Frank simply isn’t like him at all,” she says.

Mikey leans on the table, nodding his head in agreement. “He’s not, Gee.” He touches Gerard’s hand. “You’re basing all of these assumptions on what happened with Bert. The people he hung around with, their style, the drugs.” Mikey waves toward the framed drawing of Frank where it’s sitting on a chair next to him. “Frank isn’t like that. I mean, he’ll drink when he plays, for sure. He can drink a shit ton for such a small guy, but he’s still Frank, even when he’s drunk. He’s a sweetheart. The asshole exterior is just a façade.” Mikey makes a waving motion over his face, indicating the ‘asshole mask’ that Frank wears. “Anyway, Gee, the scene is totally different now. There’s not a ton of people left that you’d recognize and honestly the crowd for Strike the Demon’s set will be nothing like a Used crowd. Frank and his guys attract way more chill people than The Used did.”

Gerard considers Mikey’s words for a long time as he finishes his cigarette and puts it out in his empty coffee mug. He shrugs. “Okay. Okay, so it might not be as bad as I’m remembering, but I still feel like it isn’t right for Frank to try and guilt me into going.” His voice rises again. “You should have heard him going at it. He made it crystal clear he thought I was a shitty boyfriend for saying no.” He sits back into his chair and looks at the floor. “How could I stay with someone who thinks of me like that?”

Alicia’s shaking her head. “No, Gee. Frank doesn’t think poorly of you, he really doesn’t. You know he tends to overstate things. He gets excited and it’s like the balance of the whole world depends on this one thing. He’s just a little bit intense sometimes.”

Gerard raises his eyebrows. “A little bit?”

Alicia shrugs. “A lot, whatever. It’s part of what makes him so amazing to watch onstage. I know you watched a lot of videos on YouTube, but I’m telling you, they don’t do him justice.” Her face gets a faraway look. “The way the crowd responds to him, it’s like… like he’s their messiah or something, they eat right out of his hand. It’s pretty spectacular to see.”

Gerard waves his hands at Alicia to make her stop talking. He doesn’t want to hear this argument. “Okay, okay whatever, he’s amazing, I get it. Fine.” He plants his hands flat on the table in frustration. “But even if I did go and have a heart attack and feel like I’m going to die the entire time, that wouldn’t be the end of it. You guys have to know that.” He looks at them both. “There’s always going to be something else he’s going to want from me and it’s always going to go like this. We’ll fight about it and maybe I’ll give in, maybe I won’t, but it doesn’t matter, it’ll never end!” He throws his hands up and lets them fall hard on the table, dramatically.

Mikey stares at his hands for a moment before looking up and meeting Gerard’s eyes. “Gee, what you just described is called a ‘relationship’.” He sighs deeply and speaks slowly. “In a real relationship, you go through all that shitty stuff that no one wants to go through because you love the person you’re with. It’s worth it to suffer through that stuff for them because at the end of the day, you’re together and that’s the most important thing.”

Gerard doesn’t know how to respond to this. Finally he shakes himself and says, “That sounds horrible.” 

This makes Alicia crack up laughing and soon Mikey even cracks a small smile, too. He shakes his head and says. “Yeah, sometimes it is. But mostly… mostly it’s good.” He waves a hand. “Anyway, I guess we both just thought that Frank was important enough to you that you’d be willing to go through some shit for him.” He and Alicia exchange a look that Gerard can’t discern. “But maybe we were wrong.”

Well. If Gerard didn’t already feel like the shittiest asshole on the planet when he got here, he certainly does now.

\+ *_*_* +

Frank waits for Mikey at the bar by his house on Thursday night. He’s nervous and jittery. He knows if he drinks just enough to be slightly buzzing, it’ll take the edge off and he’ll be able to calm down. But he feels like he really needs to be clear headed for this talk. He has some questions for Mikey and he doesn’t know how he’ll respond to the answers. He needs to be able to think, so he can’t be drunk.

He nurses his beer very slowly and forces himself to eat some of the peanuts from a bowl on the bar while he waits. He’s hardly eaten all week and it’s making him shaky, but he has no appetite. He’s barely slept either and that’s making him feel a bit like everything is fuzzy around the edges. He has a feeling he’s going to be like this until he gets some answers about Gerard. All week he’s been trying to figure out how he managed to fuck things up so badly. He has to understand how Gerard could just walk away like that. He needs the truth, or else he’ll never know if there’s any chance of fixing things between them. That’s why he finally decided to suck it up and text Mikey, asking him to meet for a drink tonight.

When Mikey comes in, Frank already has a beer waiting for him. Mikey grabs Frank’s shoulders and squeezes them before he sits. Frank thinks this is a good sign. He hopes the friendly gesture is a sign that Mikey will be honest with him tonight, rather than just defensive of Gerard. Mikey sits down and Frank nods toward the beer. “That’s for you.” 

After taking off his jacket, Mikey sits and takes a swallow of the beer. “Thanks.” He grabs a handful of peanuts and munches on them for a few seconds before turning to look at Frank. “So, what’s up, Frankie?” His tone is genuinely curious, not hostile. 

Mikey’s tone helps put Frank at ease. He’s already decided that he has to be absolutely direct. He’s done fucking around. He feels like he was kept in the dark about some things the whole time he was with Gerard. He’s not going to put up with that shit anymore. He knows part of the problem is that he was afraid to ask the hard questions. But he’s not afraid now. His heart is completely broken. He has nothing left to lose. There’s no longer any reason to hold onto the fantasy of a perfect relationship and ignore reality. He’s texted Gerard eight times since Friday and hasn’t received a single reply. Obviously, Gerard meant it when he said it was over. It can’t get any worse than this.

Frank takes a deep breath. “I need you to tell me the truth, Mikes.”

“Okay.” Mikey nods, his face impassive. “Shoot.”

“What happened to Gerard?”

Mikey’s raises his eyebrows. “You want the full list? Starting from childhood, or…”

Frank waves him off. “I mean…” He stops to laugh at himself as he realizes the vagueness of the question and appreciates Mikey’s sense of humor. He shakes his head and tries again now that the tension has been broken a bit. “I mean what happened after he got clean and things ended with Bert? Why’s he so afraid of going to my show?” Frank takes a deep breath, it’s hard for him to ask about Bert again, he doesn’t want to think about it, but he has to face the fact that obviously things were worse for Gerard than he’d realized. Steeling his confidence, he goes on, “I know it has something to do with shit that went down at Bert’s shows. Why won’t he go out and be around, you know, people? You said he’s not actually afraid, he’ll do it if he absolutely has to. He just doesn’t like it. But he must not have hated it so much when he was younger, so what changed?” Frank sighs. “I just have to know if I was wrong. Was I wrong to pressure him about my show so much? Like, is it really _that_ terrible for him? Going out in public? Please just… just help me understand.”

Mikey sighs and takes a swallow of his beer. “You’re going to make me tell you this whole story.” It isn’t a question.

“Well Gerard certainly isn’t going to!” Mikey snorts. Frank continues desperately. “I have to hear the story, Mikes. If I just lost my boyfriend because of shit that this other dude did to him five years ago, I have to know what happened. If I have any hope of fixing this, I need to know.” Frank lowers his voice. “I think I deserve to know.”

Mikey sighs again, long-sufferingly, drinks down his whole beer and wipes his mouth before he starts talking. “Gerard’s a lot of fun when he’s drunk.”

“Okay.”

Mikey throws his hand up. “Just listen. This isn’t easy to explain, so bear with me. I think it’ll all make sense when I’m done.” Frank nods his head and signals for another beer for Mikey. 

Mikey takes a deep breath and starts again. “So right. So Gerard’s a lot of fun when he’s drunk. Like infectiously hilarious. People _love_ being around him when he’s like that.” Mikey scratches his head, looking thoughtful as he tries to remember. “And to be honest, up until he got sober, he was almost never not drinking when he went out. It was just his normal social state. So he was fine, to go out and be around people, like you said. But it wasn’t because he liked it.” He shakes his head to emphasize this point. “He didn’t, not really. He just had a way to cope. He did that basically since he was a teenager, so he never really learned how to be in social settings without it.”

Mikey stops to eat some more peanuts before continuing the story. Frank does the same, his stomach starting to slowly settle down, now that he’s finally getting to hear what really happened to Gerard all those years ago. 

Mikey starts in again. “And so that was the Gerard that Bert fell in love with. Bert really helped bring Gerard out of his shell a lot, kinda helped him to put himself out there more. But he was still drinking, so a lot of that was Bert’s influence coupled with the liquid courage. But then when Gerard stopped drinking, he didn’t have the liquid courage anymore. And what everyone discovered pretty quickly is that Gerard is just not…” he waves his hand, “the _same_ when he doesn’t drink.” 

Mikey looks thoughtful for a minute and then smiles, remembering. “Really the best part of him getting sober was that his work got better. He started painting a fuckton, something he hadn’t taken the time to do as much before. And he got serious about Umbrella Academy and started pitching it.” Mikey’s eyebrows draw together as he talks, obviously trying to get his words right. “He became intensely focused on work. He was obsessed, really. He still is.” He gestures toward Frank. “You’re used to it because he’s always been this way since you’ve known him, but it was really hard for Bert. He didn’t like not being the center of Gerard’s universe anymore.” 

Frank can sort of understand that. He doesn’t consider it for long, though, because Mikey keeps going. “But anyway, you asked about the shows. That’s where I first started to realize they were having a problem, because ‘party-Gerard’ is not so fun when he isn’t drunk. He gets nervous and he trips over his words.” Mikey looks sad as he continues in his description. “He’s quieter because he doesn’t know what to say. And then when he does talk, he ends up talking too much and he feels like it all comes out wrong. Then later he analyzes everything he says and makes himself crazy convincing himself that he’s completely lame.” Mikey stops to take a sip of his beer and shakes his head a bit. “I have no idea if he’d be like that in social situations now, it’s been such a long time.” He looks at Frank, his eyes grow very serious and Frank starts to feel nervous again. “But you see this is what he’s fundamentally afraid of. Because Bert and his friends were less than supportive about him getting sober and his social anxiety only added to that. I don’t want you to think they were all assholes, but they certainly didn’t help him. They didn’t see why getting clean was so important to him and didn’t have any trouble making him feel inferior at shows and parties.” 

Frank swallows. It hurts him in his heart to think about people being mean to Gerard. Especially people who had been his friends, people who should have been supporting him. 

Mikey finishes his beer and starts talking again. “So there was all that. And then things ended with Bert. And once it was over, I thought Gerard would get better but he didn’t. He got really depressed and took an awful lot of the blame for the breakup on himself. And his social anxiety didn’t improve at all. He started having these panic attacks, like the one at the grocery store that he told you about?” 

Mikey looks at him questioningly, for confirmation, and Frank nods.

“Yeah, like that. So then he ended up generalizing that anxiety to all public places. It didn’t happen overnight. It was gradual, once he started working from home. But once it started, there was no stopping it.” Mikey looks pained in frustration as he thinks back on it. “He realized all the ways that he could avoid going out. He figured out that there were very few times when he actually _needed_ to leave the house and so he just didn’t.”

Mikey shakes himself a bit and turns toward Frank again. “Anyway, so back to now. Why’s he scared?” He sighs. “Well, what he learned near the end with Bert was how to put on a very fake happy face when he went to shows or parties and it felt awful to him. So I guess when he thinks about going to your show, he thinks he can do one of two things.” Mikey gestures with his hands to indicate two options. “He can be himself and risk you realizing that he’s a socially inept loser, or he can put on his fake happy face and try to make nice with everyone and act like someone he’s not. So, you see he’s basically fucked either way. He can’t stomach the idea of being fake with you and the idea of you deciding you’re no longer interested because he’s awkward in crowds or whatever is just more than he can bear.” Mikey shakes his head sadly. “I know it’s irrational. I know it doesn’t make sense. You love him, everyone can see that. Of course you’re not suddenly going to reject him because he gets quiet and shy around a lot of people. But he’s got all this baggage and he just can’t seem to shake it.”

Frank had known that Gerard had baggage. He just thought that if he loved him hard enough, it would just go away somehow. Frank’s beginning to realize that he really did rush into this without stopping to think about any of the warnings Mikey gave him. He’s thinking about it all now, though, and it’s making his heart hurt. 

Mikey pulls him out of his reverie by placing a hand on his arm. “I think when it came down to it in his mind, it was just easier to sort of… go out on a high note with you, so to speak. He figured he’d quit while he was ahead. By leaving now he never has to take your rejection.” Mikey’s eyes are sad as he begins rubbing his hand up and down Frank’s arm a little bit. “He’s remembering what happened with Bert and he knows he couldn’t bear for that to happen with you. So if he beats you to the punch, then he doesn’t ever have to watch you leave him. Because that would kill him, Frank. I don’t think he’d ever recover from that. I don’t think he could live through that kind of rejection again, especially from you.” Mikey looks directly into Frank’s eyes and doesn’t flinch as he says, “He’s never loved anyone like he loves you, Frank, never.”

Mikey takes his hand off Frank’s arm and motions that he wants to close his tab. It’s silent for a few minutes as Mikey munches on peanuts and Frank ponders everything he’s just been told. Finally Frank gives voice to the thought that keeps coming back into his mind. “I should have known all this a long time ago.”

Mikey cracks his neck and looks at Frank guiltily. “I know.” He sighs, sadly. “I should have told you, I mean, I knew Gerard wouldn’t.” He shakes his head. “Gee’s kinda damaged.” He pats Frank’s hand. “I think that’s easy for you to forget because it’s usually just you and him and he does really well with people one-on-one and in places where he’s really comfortable, you know? I mean, it isn’t really obvious, he doesn’t like, hate himself or anything, but he doesn’t have confidence about a lot of things, so he just… doesn’t do them. It’s easier for him that way.”

Frank doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what he thinks. All he knows is he feels an overwhelming bone deep sadness that makes him want to find Gerard this very night and hug him until the only thing he feels is completely and unconditionally loved. That’s the way Gerard loves Frank, he’s made that pretty obvious. And Frank realizes now, that’s how Gerard needs to be loved in return. Because love is not an exchange, or an arrangement, there’s no keeping score. They aren’t supposed to work that way. 

Frank considers Mikey for a moment where he’s absently watching a commercial on the TV over the bar. Frank taps his wrist to get his attention and when Mikey looks over he asks him quietly, “So how do I fix this?”

After pulling some money out of his wallet, Mikey leans his head on his fist and smiles. “By being Frank Iero.”

Frank snorts. “What does that mean?”

Mikey’s smile grows larger. “Frankie, you are the most stubborn and persistent person I have ever met. When you want something, you find a way to get it. You always do. So you just need to figure out for yourself, do you want Gerard?”

It takes Frank a minute to realize that Mikey’s pinning him with his gaze because he’s waiting for an answer to the question. Once he figures it out, he doesn’t hesitate. “Of course I do! Of course I want him, I love him!”

Mikey pats his shoulder. “Okay then. You’ll figure it out.” Mikey stands up and starts pulling on his jacket. 

“I don’t…” Frank shakes his head. “Mikey wait.” Mikey stops, looking at him expectantly. “He’s ignoring my texts.” 

Mikey shrugs. “Try something else then.” He grabs on to Frank’s arm, squeezing it for a moment. “I have faith in you, Frank. I believe you love my brother. You can figure this out.”

Mikey pulls him in for a quick hug before he leaves the bar and Frank just watches him go. He sits there for a long time, thinking about Gerard, about how much he loves him, about how he has to make Gerard understand that, if it’s the last thing he does.

*_*_*

The text messages aren’t working. 

It doesn’t matter what Frank says in them, he never gets any response. He’s given up on that. 

After his discussion with Mikey, Frank decides that he needs to consult the three wisest women he knows. On Friday morning, he talks to Maria at work. During his lunch break, he calls Leslie, taking the whole hour to tell her the entire story and then listening to get her opinion on things. On Friday night, he talks to Christa again. 

They pretty much all tell him the same thing. It’s up to him. He needs to find a way to reassure Gerard, make him realize that this is not over, and make him see that Frank loves him completely, no-matter what. 

Frank doesn’t feel like this is any small thing that he has to do, in fact he’s pretty overwhelmed by it, but he’s determined. He knows there’s a chance that it won’t work. He knows it might not matter what he says, Gerard might not change his mind, might never talk to him again. But he’s going to hear what Frank has to say because Frank would never forgive himself if he didn’t do everything he could to save this relationship. He loves Gerard more than he’s ever loved anyone else in his life. He loves him and wants to be with him forever. He’s not going to let go without a fight. 

He has band practice Saturday morning and when he gets home he knows he can’t wait any longer. He paces his apartment, going around and around in his head on whether he should go over to Gerard’s house or if he should just call him. 

On the one hand, he feels like just showing up at Gerard’s house would be pretty rude and insensitive of him. After everything that Mikey told him Thursday night, he feels more than ever like he needs to respect Gerard’s limits. Gerard’s house is his sanctuary and if Frank just showed up without any warning, it would be like he hadn’t been paying attention the whole time they were together. But he was paying attention and he wants Gerard to know that. He thinks just showing up would ruin his credibility before he even opens his mouth.

So he thinks he should call. He doesn’t think Gerard will answer a call from him, but he can leave a message. His biggest fear, though, is that Gerard will delete the message before he even listens to it. He feels like what he has to say, he’s only going to be able to get right once, he needs to know that Gerard’s going to hear it. 

He texts Mikey.

_I want 2 call G. He won’t answer, but I’ll leave a VM, but what if he erases it w/out listening to it?_

He sits down to absently pet the dogs and smoke a cigarette while he waits for a reply. For some reason the phone scares him when it buzzes. He jumps and ends up ashing all over his coffee table, he doesn’t even care. He reads Mikey’s reply.

_I’ll go over there tonight. What time u wanna call him? I’ll make sure the fucker doesn’t delete ur msg._

Frank replies right away, picking a time that he’s sure he’ll be ready by. 

_Can u b over there around 9?_

Mikey’s response is immediate.

_Sure, I’ll make him listen Frankie_

Frank feels relieved, but only for a moment. Then he’s nervous again. He has the afternoon to figure out what the fuck he’s going to say. He has no idea if Gerard’s voice mail is the kind that cuts off the message after a certain amount of time, so he doesn’t know how long he’ll have. Whatever he says, he needs to say it fast. 

He spends the afternoon chain smoking and making notes to himself about what he wants to say. He isn’t able to eat anything, everything tastes like cardboard. He distracts himself for a little while by walking and feeding the dogs. Then he drinks a pot of coffee and pees about 30 times in the hour before it’s time to call.

He waits five extra minutes, just to give Mikey plenty of time. Frank wants to be certain he’s there. At exactly five after nine, he dials Gerard’s number. He doesn’t answer, just as Frank expected and it goes to voicemail. Frank’s glad that Gerard uses a generic message with some woman’s voice on it instead of recording his own. Frank thinks just hearing Gerard’s voice again might be enough to have him crying before he even starts talking. 

As soon as the beep ends, he starts speaking as quickly as he can so he can get it all in. “Hey, Gee it’s Frankie. I know you don’t want to hear what I have to say, but you need to. You need to know this. I love you. I love you and I don’t want to break up. I know you don’t believe it, but you _do_ make me happy. Happier than anyone else has ever made me and that’s enough, you’re enough for me. I don’t want anything from you that you feel like you can’t do. I don’t care, okay? I don’t give a shit about concerts or going out places or anything else like that, I just love you. Exactly as you are, you’re perfect.” He feels tears starting to stream down his cheeks. “You’re perfect for me. And as long as you stay in my life, you’re not going to disappoint me. Just being together, just being with you, that’s enough. That’s all I need, because I love you. I love you no-matter what. There is no force on this earth strong enough to make me stop loving you. So please, just-” he falters momentarily. “Please just call me or text me or something. At least to let me know you listened to this message. I want you, I want to be together. This isn’t over, okay? We’re not… we’re not over. I love you more than anything.” He knows he’s running out of time. “Okay, so that’s all I wanted to say. I love you. Call me please, bye.”

When Frank hangs up, he has no idea what to do with himself. He’s still crying a little, but he’s not hysterical. Wiping his tears, he goes to the fridge to get a beer. He sits at his kitchen table for a long time drinking and staring at the crystal prism suncatchers hanging in his window. It’s dark out now, so obviously there are no rainbows on the wall, but it makes Frank think about that evening in the park when Gerard said love is normal like a rainbow, but it’s a miracle like a rainbow at the same time. Frank remembers that night and how calm he was, lying in the grass. How he told Gerard things he’d never told anyone. He wishes Gerard could have done that more, been more honest with him. He vows to himself that after he gets Gerard back, he won’t let him get away with not being honest anymore. 

He sees stars outside the window and it makes Frank think about the night when he took Gerard up on the roof to look at the sky. Gerard was pretty honest with him that night, when he told him about the anxiety attack in the grocery store. That was pretty awesome. After that, though, he wasn’t as transparent. It’s like… It was like once Gerard felt that Frank had accepted that he had issues, he stopped needing to be honest about them. Like, if he was weird about something, Frank was supposed to simply shrug it off because ‘Gerard has issues’ and so he should just let it go. Frank’s not going to let things go. He’s not going to pressure Gerard like he was doing, but Gerard is going to have to talk to him. Frank shouldn’t have to go through his boyfriend’s brother to be able to understand what’s happening in his head.

Mournfully, Frank thinks, none of this is going to matter if he doesn’t get Gerard back. 

He goes to the fridge for another beer and hears his phone beep from where he left it in the living room. He runs in to get it and ends up spilling about half the beer on his way. He couldn’t care less about spilled beer when he sees that it’s a text from Gerard. 

_I listened to your message._

Frank says a quick prayer of thanks to a God who probably doesn’t exist and sends out a fervent ‘thank you’ to a Mikeyway who he’s sure is mostly responsible for this development and texts back.

_and?_

Gerard doesn’t respond right away. Frank sits down on the couch and drinks his beer and stares at the phone until he finally replies.

_I’ll think about it._

Okay. Frank thinks, as he breaths out. Okay, he can handle that. It’s maybe not exactly what he was hoping for, but it’s something. It’s going to have to be good enough. He replies.

_thank you_

Gerard doesn’t text back again, but Frank hadn’t really expected him to. He figures now he just has to wait. He won’t wait forever, but he’ll wait a little while. He decides to give Gerard two weeks to figure himself out. In two weeks, if he hasn’t heard back from him, Frank will try to call or text him again. If Gerard thinks he’s going to be able to walk away now that he’s heard what Frank has to say, he is sorely mistaken. Frank can be patient, though, he can be patient. Gerard is worth waiting for. 

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard is surprised on Saturday night when Mikey shows up out of the blue, but that’s not an altogether completely unheard-of occurrence. What’s more surprising is how utterly and completely honest Mikey is about why he’s here. He certainly doesn’t spare Gerard’s feelings. His diatribe begins the minute he steps foot in the door, telling Gerard he’s being a complete and total fucking asshole for ignoring Frank’s texts. He slams the front door behind him and makes no pretense about the fact that he’s here to make sure Gerard doesn’t erase Frank’s voicemail before listening to it.

Just as Mikey said he would, Frank calls a little after nine. Gerard lets the call go to voicemail and then listens to the message. Mikey doesn’t make him share exactly what the message says, but he refuses to leave until Gerard texts Frank and tells him that he’s listened to it. Gerard blanches at this. “Why can’t _you_ text him and tell him I listened to it?”

“Because he deserves to hear it from you!” Mikey’s hardly lowered his voice since he walked into the house. “If you had a heart at all, you’d call him. But I will settle for a text message,” he enunciates condescendingly.

Gerard sighs long-sufferingly and texts Frank. When he’s done, he pins Mikey with the most ferocious glare he can muster. “It’s no use, you know? After you leave, I’ll just erase the message.”

Mikey huffs and shakes his head. He looks at Gerard as if he’s totally and utterly disgusted. Gerard can’t remember Mikey ever looking at him like that before. Even when he was the most revolting drunk on the face of the earth, Mikey never looked at him like that. 

Mikey walks to the door and opens it, but before he leaves, he turns around to look at Gerard again, his eyes a little softer now. Gerard is startled when Mikey puts his hand on his cheek for a moment, caressing the side of his face a bit before dropping it back down. His voice is solemn and grave when he speaks. “Gerard, you’re a miserable human being. You say you’re happy, but what you think of as happy isn’t even a fraction of how happy you could be with Frank. And the worst part of it all is that you _know_ it!” He throws his hands up and shakes his head again. “You _love_ Frank. You love him and he makes you happier than I’ve ever seen you in your entire life and you’re ready to throw it all away over what?” 

He’s silent for a moment, waiting, and Gerard’s shrugs. Mikey snorts. “Over nothing! Frank wants nothing from you! He just wants to love you, Gerard, that’s all he wants. Every argument you ever came up with about him wanting too much from you? It’s invalid, because he genuinely does not give a shit about any of it.” He pauses as if to be sure Gerard’s listening, when he starts again, he speaks slowly and carefully. “You are enough for Frank. You’re all he wants. And if you walk away from him now, it’s obvious that you just plain don’t want to be happy. You’re choosing to be miserable, Gee. I don’t know if it’s some kind of guilt complex you have over perceived sins from a past life or something, I don’t get it. But you obviously don’t think you deserve to be happy.” 

Mikey just stares at Gerard for another minute before bringing his hand back up to cup Gerard’s face. He speaks much more softly now and Gerard is startled when he realizes that there’s a tear working its way down Mikey’s cheek. “You deserve to be happy, Gee. You do. Frank makes you happy, call him. He loves you, just call him. You don’t have to be alone anymore, or ever again. Just be with Frank, that’s all he wants.” Mikey drops his hand and shakes his head. Shrugging, he wipes his cheek and doesn’t say another word before turning around, walking to his car, and driving away. 

*_*_*

Gerard doesn’t delete Frank’s message. 

He listens to the message once a day each morning, for seven days. 

On the seventh day he goes down into the basement and tears the wrapping off all his paintings of Frank. He stares at them, allowing himself to cry silently for over an hour. When he finally comes back upstairs, he calls Alicia. 

She’s surprised to hear from him, to say the least. He doesn’t waste any time on pleasantries, it’s only two days until Frank’s show. It’s time for Gerard to get a grip. “You’re going to the show on Monday, right?”

It’s silent for a moment. Gerard thinks Alicia’s probably just getting over her initial shock at the phone call. Finally, she says, “Yeah, I’ll be there.”

“Does Mikey have to be there for the whole show? I mean, he can’t go late can he? Or like, he can’t leave and then go back?”

“Uh, no. I don’t think he can.” Alicia sounds confused. “I mean, this is work for him, so he really needs to not miss anything.”

“Right, okay.” Gerard takes a deep breath. “What about you?”

“What about me?” Alicia sounds annoyed and concerned at the same time. “Gerard, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine. It’s just…” This didn’t seem so hard to explain when Gerard thought through it in his head. “I just need to figure out what I’m going to do about Monday night.”

“What you’re going to do?” Alicia sounds dumbfounded. “Wait, Gerard, are you going?!” 

Gerard sighs, he hates explaining himself to people. It’s especially hard when he’s changed his mind about something, something he’s realized he was wrong about. He takes a deep breath. “Yes, I’m going. I have to, for Frank.” He says this decisively, but now he has to explain the problem. “But there’s no way I can stay the whole time, not for four bands. And I won’t be able to drive myself because I’ll be too nervous.” Gerard pauses, Frank’s words from their fight coming back to him. “Frank said he doesn’t care if I’m only there for his band, so I need someone to come and get me late. And that way, I can’t back out at the last minute.”

“I’ll come get you.” Alicia doesn’t even hesitate.

“You don’t mind? You might have to miss part of one of the bands.”

Alicia laughs, her voice is determined when she says, “Honestly, Gerard, I don’t give a flying fuck about any of the bands if it’s between them and getting you and Frank back together.”

“Please don’t get your hopes up,” Gerard cautions. “I’m going to the show, but he might not forgive me.”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Gerard?” Alicia’s voice is rising. “If you show up on Monday, there’s nothing to forgive you for! Frank gets it now, okay? He gets what a big deal this is for you.”

“Okay, okay he gets it,” Gerard allows, “But still. I don’t want to get my hopes up. I just have to do this for him, for… I have to do it for myself.”

“You’re doing the right thing.” Alicia’s voice is softer now, soothing. “I know you’re fucking terrified, but you can do this. I’ll stay with you the whole time, you can stand right inside the door at the back if you want and you don’t have to talk to anyone, okay?”

Gerard breathes out slowly. “Okay.”

“Yeah. Okay, Frank’s band is on last, so they probably won’t go on until around ten thirty or so. So I’ll come get you at ten, okay?”

Gerard closes his eyes. Setting a time makes this all feel too real. “Yeah, okay.”

Alicia’s reassuring him again. “Gerard. He still loves you, you know that right?”

“I hope so.” Gerard realizes he’s on the verge of hysterical tears. “I hope it’s not too late.”

“It’s not. It’s going to be okay.” She sounds very certain. “I have to go but I’ll see you Monday night.”

When Gerard hangs up, he opens his eyes and feels like the room is spinning. He needs to lie down. He already feels sick. This is wrong. This was a terrible idea. It seemed to make sense in the basement when he was sitting down there staring at Frank’s beautiful face on canvas and feeling like there’s a hole in his heart that can never be filled again. But upstairs in the stark light of day, it feels like the worst thing he’s ever decided to do. He lies down on the couch and closes his eyes, counting his breaths like he used to do when he first got sober and was craving a drink. He turns it into a game for himself. One breath, he pictures Frank’s lips. Another breath, Frank’s eyes. Next breath, Frank’s hair. On and on. He does this until his heart rate returns to normal and lets himself replay Alicia’s words in his head over and over again, ‘he still loves me, he still loves me, he still loves me.’

\+ *_*_* +

When Frank wakes up late Sunday morning, he finds a text message waiting for him from Mikey.

_Gerard’s coming 2morro night, I thought u should know_

Frank doesn’t know what to think. Doesn’t know what to do or say. He wasn’t expecting this at all. He had himself convinced it was such an impossibility. He can’t believe Gerard actually changed his mind. He’s immediately suspicious.

_Does he really want 2 come or r u making him?_

He really doesn’t want Gerard to come to the show under duress. He’d rather he not come at all than come because he feels like his brother will disown him if he doesn’t. He’s relieved when he reads Mikey’s reply.

_It was his idea. He wants 2 come 4 u._

Frank can’t believe it. He hadn’t wanted to get his hopes up that things would be okay, so he had forced himself to stop even hoping for something like this. He wants to see Gerard, to talk to him now. He doesn’t want to wait until tomorrow. 

He doesn’t want to force things, though. He knows he left things up to Gerard. If Gerard wants to reconcile, he should be the one making contact. He probably doesn’t even know Mikey’s telling him that he’s coming to the show. Maybe he could text him? He figures Mikey might have a better idea of Gerard’s current state of mind.

_Should I text him or call him?_

Mikey replies immediately.

_No don’t. He’s already on edge. That would just make him more nervous. Wait until 2morro._

Okay, okay that’s okay. Frank doesn’t like it, but it’s okay. He can wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow. He’s going to see Gerard tomorrow. It’s going to be okay.

\+ *_*_* +

On Monday night, Gerard spends more time in front of his mirror than he has in years. 

He re-dyes his hair, touching up the roots where the lighter color has started to grow in. He notices more grey hairs this time than he has before and he thinks vaguely that Frank is responsible. He thinks he wouldn’t care if all his hair turned white over having Frank in his life. He’s finally realized that Frank is worth it. He’s worth anything. 

He’s already showered, shaved and brushed and flossed his teeth. Now he very carefully lines his eyes in thick black pencil. He used to always wear eyeliner when he went out. He realizes it’s been almost five years since he’s had an occasion to line his eyes. He hasn’t forgotten how to do it, though. 

When he’s finished, he backs up and examines his face critically. He has lines around his mouth from smoking and crow’s feet around his eyes. His teeth are yellow. He tries to smile at himself in the mirror, but it looks forced. He doesn’t understand. He still doesn’t really get how Frank looks at him like he’s the most beautiful man alive. He’s done questioning it, though. If Frank is willing to forgive him and take him back, he doesn’t care how Frank looks at him as long as he keeps looking. As long as he keeps looking forever. 

\+ *_*_* +

Frank has never been so nervous before a show in all his life. He’s like a rubber band ball, bouncing around backstage. He has Ray on the lookout for Gerard and he’s going crazy wondering what time he’s going to show up. Mikey found Frank before the show while they were soundchecking and reassured him that Gerard really would be here. Alicia’s going to get him, so there’s no way he can back out. Frank was dumbfounded when Mikey told him that was Gerard’s idea. That Gerard wanted it that way.

About ten minutes before Strike the Demons is set to go onstage, Frank peeks out at the crowd. The venue is filled to capacity for the Halloween show. Over a thousand people fill it, standing room only from wall to wall and front to back. It doesn’t look like anyone left after the earlier bands. They’ve all stuck around for the headliner. He goes to pee for the tenth time in the last half hour and when he comes back, he finds Ray waiting for him in the wings. “Gerard’s here.”

Frank sucks in a breath as his heart skips a beat and Ray puts his hand on his shoulder. “You won’t be able to see him. He’s all the way in the back, literally two steps from the door and he looks like he’d bolt if Alicia didn’t have a death grip on his arm.” He stops for a second and smiles carefully. “But he’s here.”

Frank nods and breathes, “He’s here.”

“Yeah,” Ray confirms. “He won’t talk to anyone, though. Alicia’s talking for him.”

That makes Frank smile. The next thing he knows, Ray’s giving his arm one last squeeze and he hears his band being announced and someone’s putting his guitar in his hands and it’s time. It’s time to go onstage for the most important show of his life and he’s grinning from ear to ear as he walks out because even though he can’t see him, the man he loves is there, watching him, along with everyone else in his life who’s important to him. They’re all here for him and he feels like the luckiest bastard on the planet. 

He steps up to the microphone and yells, “You fuckers ready to make some noise?!” The crowd responds instantly, cheering louder than he’s heard them all night. Frank busts into the first chords of ‘Where Eagles Dare’, the Misfits song they always start with, and then he’s lost, lost to the music and the sound of the crowd and the glare of the lights. He’s home. 

\+ *_*_* +

Everything is fuzzy. Gerard counts his breaths as he tries to not freak out. He’s standing just inside the door and he can feel the cool air coming in from it every time someone goes in or out. Every once in a while, he gets a whiff of cigarette smoke from someone smoking outside and he wishes so badly that he could smoke in here. He thinks maybe he can go outside for a cigarette really quickly, but he knows there’s no time. He stood outside with Alicia until Mikey texted her that Frank was about to go on. That was just a couple of minutes ago.

Any time now. Gerard tries to focus his attention on the stage, where Frank will be standing in just a moment, but it’s difficult. His chest is burning and he’s having trouble breathing now as his heart rate speeds up. He retreats into himself. He’s so dizzy. He thinks about his feet being planted firmly on the floor, he’s not going to fall. He leans back into the wall and tries to feel grounded. It’s been years since he’s had to use these coping tools to avoid falling apart in public, but it’s amazing how quickly they all come back to him now that he has need of them again.

Gerard is vaguely aware of the sounds of people moving and talking around him. He sees Ray and tries to smile, but he thinks it probably looks more like a grimace. He can’t speak, though. Ray seems to understand. Gerard keeps swallowing, his throat is so dry. Someone pushes a glass of water into his hand. He thinks it’s Christa and he drinks it thankfully. He can feel Alicia’s arm wrapped tightly around his, it feels warm and heavy and it’s the only thing stopping him from running right now. 

And then the lights go out. The crowd cheers and Gerard has to close his eyes to get away from all the sensations. He’s about to withdraw into his head completely when he feels Alicia’s cool hands on either side of his face. This jolts him back to reality and he thinks for a second that he’s going to fall. But then Mikey is there on his other side and there’s no way he can fall. He hears Mikey saying something to Alicia and then Alicia’s shouting into his ear, “Open your eyes, Gerard!” She shakes his head. “Look at your hot ass boyfriend!”

Gerard does. He opens his eyes and sees Frank. The room suddenly comes sharply back into focus and he can hear everything clearly. He hears Frank’s voice and he can see him up onstage, singing into the microphone as if his life depends on it. He feels a smile spread across his face as he watches and he’s riveted. That’s his boyfriend? That amazing, sexy, gorgeous man up on stage, playing guitar like no one Gerard has ever seen is his boyfriend. Gerard really hopes that he’s still his boyfriend. 

Gerard thinks he doesn’t remember to blink once before the set ends. 

\+ *_*_* +

Their set is phenomenal. It’s as good a show as Frank has ever played, if not the best. The crowd is totally into it. They change up the set list as they go, playing more original songs than usual, which is always a risk when you’re playing for a crowd that’s not all your own fans. They crowd is great, though. They cheer and dance and move and jump when Frank tells them to and it’s awesome. 

They play a two song encore after the crowd’s insistent cheering only grows louder when they walk offstage. They finish with their cover of Soundgarden’s ‘The Day I Tried to Live’. It’s one of Frank’s favorite songs, but he doesn’t really have the vocal range for it. He tends to just scream most of the chorus. The fans don’t really seem to care, though. They scream right back at him, giving back as good as they get. 

Frank walks offstage covered in sweat and shaking with excitement. He feels like he’s going to spontaneously combust. He makes his excuses to the guys that he needs to go find Gerard and they wave him away. They’ve heard enough complaining about it from him at practice that they know what a big deal it is that Gerard’s here. 

Frank pushes through the massive throng of bodies trying to get out of the pit and move to the back of the venue and he can’t fucking see anything. Why does he have to be so goddamn short? There are two back doors where people go outside to smoke and Frank has to figure that Alicia wouldn’t plant Gerard at the back door by the bar, so he makes his way over to the far door on the other side of the club. It’s infuriating that there are so many bodies in his way. People keep stopping him to give him high-fives and tell him how good the show was. He tries not to be rude, but all he really cares about is getting to Gerard before he leaves. He’s so fucking scared he won’t be able to get over there in time and Gerard will be freaking out and leave before they can talk. 

After what seems like a decade, Frank finally gets close enough to the wall to see and there he is. He feels his face break out into a grin, he’s so relieved Gerard’s still here. Gerard has his head thrown back against the wall and his eyes shut tight, Alicia’s holding his hand, gently stroking the back of it. As soon as she sees Frank, she says something into Gerard’s ear and his head comes down from the wall as he opens his eyes slowly. He looks straight into Frank’s eyes and doesn’t smile. Frank’s smile falters as he gets closer. Gerard swallows repeatedly, he looks like a frightened animal and his eyes don’t leave Frank’s face until he’s right in front of him.

Frank doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what to say. Alicia takes his hand and gently transfers Gerard’s hand from her own to Frank’s. Then she leaves them alone, staring at each other and not talking.

After a minute, Gerard looks down at their entwined hands and then back up at Frank’s face. He swallows again and takes a deep breath, making a valiant effort to smile as he says, his voice rough and dry, “Happy Birthday, Frankie.” Frank doesn’t say anything, he just holds Gerard’s hands and tries not to cry and then Gerard is taking a step forward into him, saying urgently, “I need to get outside right now.”

“Of course.” Frank drags Gerard out the door and around to the side of the building, away from the gaggle of people smoking and talking loudly. It’s quieter here and they lean against the side of the club. Gerard keeps taking these deep, shuddering breaths. Frank is at a loss as far as how to calm him. 

He reaches into Gerard’s jacket, a gorgeous black leather jacket that he’s never seen before and finds his cigarettes and lighter in an inside pocket. He lights one up and puts it into Gerard’s mouth, thinking Gerard’s hands are shaking too badly for him to be able to hold onto it. After he takes several drags, Frank takes the cigarette back and finishes smoking the rest of it himself. He puts it out and tosses it into a nearby dumpster and then takes Gerard’s hand again. 

Frank turns to face Gerard where he’s leaning against the side of the building and runs his hand slowly up and down his forearm under the sleeve of his jacket until he finally looks at him again. Gerard’s eyes gradually clear as he blinks several times. Frank says softly, “Hey.”

“Frankie,” Gerard breathes out as he brings his hands up to cup Frank’s face. 

Frank sinks his head into Gerard’s hand. Closing his eyes, he sighs. He’s missed this touch so much. He feels like crying, but he’s determined not to. When he opens his eyes to look at Gerard again, he notices something. “You’re wearing eyeliner.”

Gerard’s lip curls up at the corner a little bit in an almost-smile. “Yeah, I used to wear it a lot actually, when I’d go out.”

Frank takes a step back, Gerard’s hands falling from his face to his shoulders. He looks Gerard up and down, taking in his tight black jeans and t-shirt, coupled with a leather jacket and black leather boot combination. Then his eyes come back up to Gerard’s face, newly dyed black strands falling down onto his cheeks and the black eyeliner. “My God, Gee. You look so fucking hot.”

“Me?” Gerard huffs out an incredulous laugh. “What about you? You’re like a fucking rock star or some shit!”

Frank shrugs and finally feels secure enough to do what he’s wanted to do since he first laid eyes on Gerard inside. He leans forward, sinking into him and wraps his arms around Gerard’s middle, burying his face in his chest. He feels Gerard’s arms come up around behind him, hands landing on the small of his back and pulling him close. Breathing in deeply, he closes his eyes. This is real. He’s with Gerard again. He keeps telling himself that he’s not dreaming. As he listens to Gerard’s heart beating, he’s finally certain that he isn’t.

He feels the rumbling in Gerard’s chest as he starts to speak, his right hand coming up to turn Frank’s head up to look at him. “I am so sorry, Frank.”

“No,” Frank says abruptly, shaking his head before Gerard can say anymore. He brings his hand up to cover Gerard’s mouth. “We’re not going to do that anymore, it’s ridiculous. We were both wrong. We’re both sorry. We’re both forgiven. It’s over.” His tone leaves no room for argument. 

Gerard’s eyebrows are pulling together and he looks so upset it hurts Frank in his heart. “But how can you?” Frank pushes his hand against Gerard’s lips stubbornly. Gerard keeps speaking, mumbling through Frank’s fingers. “Will you please let me talk?”

Frank drops his hand and slaps it against his leg. Backing up a tiny step, he barks out “What? What is so important?”

Gerard almost looks like he wants to smile at Frank’s antics, but stops himself and cocks his head to the side. “How can you forgive me after I was such a shit to you?”

Frank softens. Gerard’s expression is so earnest and sincere, he can’t be mad. He moves forward again and puts his hands on either side of Gerard’s face. “Because I love you.” He says it like it’s the most obvious answer in the world. 

“I don’t deserve you-”

Frank cuts him off. “You don’t have to deserve it,” he spits out. “If you did something to earn it, that’s not real love. It’s some kind of arrangement or exchange.” He brings his hands down to massage around Gerard’s neck. “I forgive you because I love you. People who love each other forgive each other for being shitty.” His voice softens as he continues with words so similar to those Gerard used to comfort him all those weeks ago. “Maybe in some ‘relationships’ people hold grudges and make each other earn forgiveness, but not us. We don’t work that way.” He pulls Gerard’s forehead down to meet his own. “Okay?”

Gerard nods and whispers, “Okay.” 

By the time they kiss, they’re both crying and Frank can taste their salty co-mingled tears in Gerard’s mouth. It’s the softest, sweetest, most tender kiss Frank can ever remember sharing. He tangles his hands in Gerard’s hair and turns his head to the side, feeling Gerard’s hands in his hair too. Their teeth clack together as their tongues twine, caressing each other. It feels as if they stay like that for an hour, just tasting each other, their mouths moving of their own accord. Frank thinks all he needs is this. He doesn’t need food or sleep or air or cigarettes. He just needs Gerard’s mouth on his, just needs to taste the man he loves. The one he’s never going to let go of again.

Finally, they pull apart. Each wiping their tears, hands coming away from their faces stained with black smudged eyeliner. Frank becomes aware that Alicia’s standing by the corner of the building waiting for them. He thinks she must have drawn the short straw to be the one to come find them. She walks over, talking as she comes, “Frankie, you’ve got an awful lot of people waiting to say goodnight to you before they’ll go home.”

“Oh yeah.” Frank remembers sheepishly all the other people who came to see him, probably wanting to wish him a happy birthday one last time. 

As he starts to leave, Alicia grabs his wrist. “If I’m taking you home to Gerard’s house tonight, you need to tell Christa and give her your keys. She’ll drive your car home and let the dogs out for you.”

Frank looks questioningly at Gerard who’s smiles and says, “Yeah, Frank’s coming home with me tonight.”

Frank can’t help the grin that overtakes his face. “Okay, I’ll tell Christa.”

He leaves Gerard in Alicia’s care and finds the crowd of his friends and family all waiting for goodnight hugs and feels again like he just might be the luckiest dude in the world.

*_*_*

After a mind-numbing near forty-five minutes of talking to what feels like every person he’s ever met outside the club- Frank finally crawls into the backseat of Alicia’s car where she and Gerard are waiting to take him home. Frank apologizes for taking so long and Alicia just smiles and says it’s no problem. They don’t really talk at all on the ride back to Gerard’s house.

They say quick goodbyes to Alicia, and then it’s just him and Gerard. He trails behind him up to the door and waits awkwardly as Gerard unlocks it. Once inside, they pull off their jackets and stand in the foyer looking at each other for a long moment. Frank has no idea what to say, where they go from here. It’s not his house. He realizes it’s not up to him at all what they do. He reaches to take Gerard’s hand, though, he has to make some kind of contact and that feels safe.

The gesture seems to wake Gerard up. He squeezes Frank’s hand and starts pulling him toward the door to his basement. Gerard leads him down and into a room that’s clearly meant for storage. Frank stops dead in the doorway when Gerard flips on the light. His breath catches in his throat as he finds himself starting at nearly a dozen paintings of his own face and body. They’re bright and bold and vivid, painted with sure strokes and rich in detail. He takes a step forward and feels Gerard immediately come up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him close. He speaks quietly, calmly into Frank’s ear. “I painted these when I thought we were ending, when I thought I was losing you. I wanted to be able to remember you forever.”

Frank turns around in Gerard’s arms and snakes his hands up behind his neck. “We’re never ending. You’re never going to lose me.” He squeezes the back of Gerard’s neck tightly. “I won’t let you push me away again. Not ever.”

Gerard brings his forehead down to touch Frank’s. “I’m going to try it again, though. I won’t mean to, but it’s bound to happen.”

Frank sighs and slides his hands down to rub over Gerard’s shoulders. “That’s okay, but you have to start being more honest with me about how you’re feeling.” He shifts away and runs the backs of his fingers and up and down Gerard’s neck. “It doesn’t have to be all the time, but I need to know. I just need you to…” He stops and swallows, trying to figure out what he wants to say. “You don’t have to be so strong for both of us all the time, Gee. You have to let me be strong for you sometimes.” He looks up and pins Gerard’s eyes with his. “Can you do that for me?”

Gerard nods. “I can try.”

“Okay.” Frank says, firmly. “And when you try to push me away, I’ll know better what’s…” He taps at Gerard’s head. “I’ll know what’s going on in there and I just won’t let you hide from me.” He tugs on a lock Gerard’s hair. “But you have to _talk_ to me, okay?”

Gerard flinches when Frank pulls his hair, but doesn’t move away. “Okay.” He curls his lips in on top of each other like he’s concentrating. Finally, he asserts, “I will.” 

It’s enough for Frank. He can tell that Gerard means it. And Frank knows that if he can be brave enough to ask Gerard the important questions and face up to the answers, even when they’re hard, he knows they can be better this time. He goes up on his tip toes and reaches his mouth up to whisper into Gerard’s ear, “Take me to bed.” 

And Gerard does.

\+ *_*_* +

Gerard spreads Frank out on his back and spends several long moments just looking at him. He put fresh sheets on the bed tonight before he left for the show, hoping… He stops that train of thought. He doesn’t want to think right now about how afraid he was that he might not end up coming home with Frank tonight.

But Frank is here now. Looking at him with such intensity, it makes Gerard’s heart ache to think he was going to give this up. 

He quickly toes off his shoes and shucks his jeans off before going to work on undressing Frank. Stopping to kiss his shoulders after he pulls his shirt up over his head, he licks from the right side, over the slight hollow beside his neck, then across to the hollow on the other side and ends up on the left shoulder. Frank shivers as Gerard turns his face and licks his earlobe. He feels with his tongue where Frank used to have his piercing and then tugs just the slightest bit with his teeth, only enough to make Frank gasp. 

He moves back and slips his fingers under the waistband of Frank’s pants. He kisses all the way down Frank’s legs as he pulls his jeans and underwear off. Taking his time with Frank shoes, he peels his socks off slowly, watching Frank’s face as he does and then leans down to kiss the top of each foot. He licks his way back up, spending extra attention on Frank’s knees when he crawls back up the bed. He loves Frank’s knees. He stops just long enough to pull his own shirt off and then drops back down between Frank’s legs and slowly spreads them apart. He suckles lightly just above the back of Frank’s knees on his inner thigh and then increases his suction until he’s sure a beautiful bruise will appear there. He does the same thing on the other side, making hickeys all the way up the sensitive insides of Frank’s pale, tender thighs, delighting in the sounds of Frank gasping above him.

When he finds his mouth at the crease in Frank’s thighs, he licks his way up. All the way up over Frank’s balls, until his tongue is leaving a long stripe up the underside of his cock. He licks up to the top and stops to savor the taste of the wetness at the head. He loves this taste, Frank’s taste. He always thinks about how much he loves the way Frank smells, sometimes he forgets about his taste, so salty and bittersweet. Gerard hadn’t realized how much he’s come to love it. He revels in tasting it again. 

He holds Frank’s hips down just for a moment as he sinks all the way down, relaxing his throat and taking his entire length in. His nose is buried in the wiry hairs at the base. He closes his eyes as he breathes in deeply, smelling, tasting, and feeling Frank, his very essence. He loves this, he wants to taste and smell Frank forever. 

He pulls off and then goes back down three times before he’s nearly panting and he looks up at Frank, letting go of his hips. “Frankie.” Frank looks down at him from where he’d been staring up at the ceiling. “I want you to fuck my mouth, okay?” Frank nods and Gerard goes back down, keeping enough space so that Frank can thrust up. He relaxes his throat and closes his eyes and just lets Frank take him. He feels Frank’s hand come down on his head as he gets into a fast rhythm. Frank’s fingers run gently through Gerard’s hair and he starts to get the chills from it. With his other hand, Frank reaches down to grasp Gerard’s fingers where they’re lying on the bed. It feels so damn good, being with Frank again like this. It’s insane that he has chills and feels like crying while he’s giving a blowjob- having his face fucked- but that’s how he feels. 

Eventually Frank slows down his thrusting and gently pushes Gerard off. “So close, Gee,” he pants out, moving to jerk himself off. Gerard bats his hand away, he’s doing this. He’s going to make Frank come. He jerks Frank tight and hard, the way he likes, twisting just slightly at the end of each stroke. Watching in awe as Frank’s eyes roll back and his head drops back onto the pillow, so fucking beautiful, so fucking gorgeous when he comes undone. When Frank’s breaths start to falter and his hips jerk uncontrollably, Gerard is ready. He gets his mouth back on Frank’s dick in plenty of time to taste and swallow up all his delicious come. 

Frank is still shuddering when Gerard sits up, running his fingernails all around the birds and the word _and_ on his stomach, watching as goosebumps break out all over the inked flesh. Still moving his fingers, he leans down to kiss Frank. Just before his lips can make contact, Frank breaths out, “I love you, Gee.” Gerard smiles into the kiss and he thinks he’s never felt this happy, because he’s no longer afraid that all of this is going to disappear. This isn’t temporary. This is for good.

He can’t wait any longer, he reaches into the nightstand drawer and pulls out the condoms and lube, and then sits back on his heels between Frank’s spread thighs. He prepares him slowly, adding additional fingers only when Frank starts to look like he’s going to spontaneously combust if he doesn’t get more. Gerard licks and bites at Frank’s knees as he works his fingers inside him, hitting his prostate and loving the way Frank’s breath hitches each time he does. He’s three fingers deep inside when Frank finally gasps, “Fuck me, Gee.” He’s panting now, trying to shake Gerard’s fingers out of his ass. “Love you, need you. No more fingers, you’re too far away.”

Gerard agrees, he _is_ too fucking far away. He pulls his fingers out and gets a condom on quickly, adding more lube and then lining up at Frank’s entrance. He puts his hands on Frank’s waist and Frank grips his forearms tightly as he slides in. Once he’s buried all the way inside Frank’s delicious tight heat, Frank lets go of his arms and lies down. Bringing his face down to Frank’s, he smiles. “I’m closer now. Is this good?”

Frank grins back at him. “So much better.”

They’re kissing when Gerard finally starts to move, thrusting slowly at first and then gradually increasing the tempo. Frank has a death grip on Gerard’s face, holding him close, leaning up to plant kisses all over, on his nose, cheeks, chin, eyelids. It makes Gerard smile and he feels Frank growing hard again between them. Finally, Frank lets go so that Gerard can snake his hand down between their bellies and begin to lazily jerk Frank off. The sex is slow and delicious and Gerard wants to make it last. He closes his eyes and thinks only about how Frank feels under him and around him, his ass clenching periodically, squeezing Gerard’s dick in a vise-like grip. It’s so good. So good, it’s the best thing ever. 

Eventually Frank becomes restless, shaking his hips and squeezing Gerard’s biceps. “Wanna come, Gee. I need to come.”

Gerard strokes Frank faster and it doesn’t take as long this time. In only a few minutes he’s spilling his spunk all over their bellies and chests and Gerard can feel Frank’s ass muscles clenching as he comes. Gerard starts to tumble over the edge, speeding up his thrusts almost impossibly fast and watching with wide eyes as Frank just comes apart beneath him. Writhing and shaking his head, squeezing his eyes shut as the sensations overwhelm him. The sight is more than Gerard can take. He comes so deep inside Frank and so hard that he thinks he’s going to pass out or maybe burst into tears. 

He slowly pulls out and pulls off the condom. Upon collapsing on top of Frank, he realizes that he _is_ crying. He’s not hysterical, but those are definitely tears running down his cheeks. He tries to hide it from Frank, but Frank’s fingers are on his cheeks, wiping the tears before he can turn his head. “Look at me,” Frank whispers. 

Gerard lifts up to look at Frank. He doesn’t want to, he wants to hide his tears and pretend that sex with Frank doesn’t make him feel so much. But, blinking his eyes and shaking the tears away, he looks anyway. He lets Frank’s deep eyes search his and he feels completely vulnerable, he feels there’s nothing separating them anymore. He can’t hide from Frank any longer. It’s frightening and Gerard feels pinned at first, but a slow smile starts to spread over Frank’s face and he’s running his fingertips up and down Gerard’s cheeks and suddenly Gerard feels okay. This is Frank. Frank loves him. Frank is safe. 

Frank is talking. “There you are,” he says soothingly as he smiles. “Hi, you’re right here with me.” He twirls a lock of Gerard’s hair. “I like that. I like it when you don’t hide from me.”

Gerard swallows, blinks his eyes slowly, and returns Frank’s gaze again. “I love you, Frank. I don’t know why I don’t want to let you see me. I shouldn’t be scared of you.” He shakes his head. “But I’m going to try now. It’s hard for me, but… I’m going to do the hard things… from now on.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m done taking the easy way out and just avoiding everything that’s difficult. You’re worth doing difficult things for.”

Tears escape the corners of Frank’s eyes. He looks like he’s been trying desperately to hold them back but just can’t. Gerard kisses the sides of his eyes, tasting his salty tears. He kisses all over Frank’s face, his jawline, the side of his neck and up to his left ear where he whispers, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

\+ *_*_* +

Frank wakes up the next morning with his head on Gerard’s chest. He’s isn’t sure if Gerard’s awake yet, but he moves his head up to nuzzle into his neck anyway. He says, “Mmmmm,” and shifts himself over so that he’s half lying on top of Gerard on his stomach. 

Gerard must have already been awake because he brings his hands up to rub over Frank’s back and asks. “Do you have to work today?”

Frank shakes his head. “No, I took a personal day since I knew I’d be wiped out from the show.”

“Ah okay.” Frank thinks Gerard can’t have been awake long because he reaches over to his nightstand to check his phone for work messages. He usually does this immediately when he wakes up on weekdays. There must not be anything important because he puts the phone back down and grabs his cigarettes, lighting just one for himself. He’s learned that Frank doesn’t usually like to smoke first thing in the morning. 

They lay in silence together as Gerard smokes and after a little while, Frank shifts over so that they’re lying next to each other, Frank’s head on the other pillow, facing Gerard. “So it was really bad last night? Coming to the show?”

Gerard shrugs and puts out his cigarette before turning to face Frank and grab one of his hands. “It wasn’t the worst ever. It was pretty bad, but it was okay.” He squints his eyes a little bit as if he’s thinking. “Having Alicia and Mikey right there really helped and while you were playing I was fine because I was so focused on watching you, I was distracted. I wasn’t thinking about what was going on around me.”

That makes sense to Frank. He rubs his thumb over Gerard’s knuckles. “Do you think you could ever come to another show again?”

“I don’t know, maybe.” Gerard’s face is carefully neutral. 

Frank doesn’t know why, but he suddenly feels the need to whisper. “It’s okay if it’s not for a really long time. I promise I won’t ever pressure you like that again.”

Relief washes over Gerard’s face at these words. He swallows and brings Frank’s hand up to his mouth to kiss it. 

Frank taps on Gerard’s lips for a moment and says, “I’m not sure you’ll ever understand how much it meant to me that you came.”

Immediately shaking his head, Gerard says, “No, I do. I get it now. Just seeing you onstage, I…” He looks troubled as he searches his thoughts. “I can see how much it means to you. When you’re up there performing, it’s like… It’s like you’re on fire. It’s what you’re meant to do. I can tell.” He rubs his hand up Frank’s arm. “It was wrong of me to not even consider it before. I was being irrational.”

Frank quickly moves his face to Gerard’s and stops him with a kiss before he can say anymore. As he pulls away, he says. “Over, remember? Forgiven. It’s done.”

Gerard smiles. “Right.”

Frank moves back just enough to speak. “What was it that made you decide to come to the show?”

Gerard answers easily. “It was your message. I knew as soon as I listened to it that I’d royally fucked up. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.” He runs his thumb up and down Frank’s jawline, his eyebrows coming together as he thinks. “I really needed to hear those words, though. What you said, that you didn’t care about the show anymore. And I could tell you meant it.” Pulling down on Frank’s chin just enough to make his mouth open slightly, he brings his face in close and says, “Once I believed you’d love me regardless, I knew I had to go.”

Gerard’s lips meet Frank’s and he kisses him lightly, before licking into his mouth a little bit, running his tongue up over the roof of Frank’s mouth. When he pulls back, he says, “Of course I still thought you might be angry at me, for taking so long to figure my shit out. I wasn’t truly convinced we were okay until you hugged me after the show.”

Frank can understand that. “I wasn’t mad, though. You could have taken more time if you needed to.” He shakes his head a little bit. “I’m always in such a hurry in life. I forget that other people aren’t like that. I forget that some people take a long time to process things. I’m always looking at what’s next. I’m still learning to slow down and not miss things because I’m moving too fast to notice them.”

Gerard’s hand is on his face again, bringing their mouths together. He says, “I won’t let you miss things, Frank. I promise.” As they kiss, Frank is sure Gerard is right. He’s noticed more little beautiful things in the world since he’s been with Gerard than he ever had before. When Gerard brings his mouth down to suck on Frank’s collarbone, he decides one of those beautiful things is sex. With Gerard, he’s able to think about nothing at all except exactly what they’re doing when they have sex. He’d never been able to do that before. 

He closes his eyes and revels in the sensation of Gerard’s mouth on his skin. Thinking about nothing at all except how it feels, how miraculous it is to be loved, and to love in return.

_  
Moonlight be a friend tonight, we’re all wrecked up on these dreams.  
Holding on a bit too tight, well I’ve got splinters from these moonbeams.  
If it seems we’re falling down, if it seems we’re falling through.  
Darling, you know that is nothing, you know that is nothing new. _

 

**Epilogue**

On the day before Thanksgiving, Gerard brings lunch for Frank and Maria and makes a special donation to the animal shelter. He’s giving them his painting of Pebbles as an angel to hang in the office for people to see when they come in. 

They’ve all already finished eating their salads and Frank and Maria are trying hard not to laugh as they watch Gerard arguing with the handyman who’s come in to hang the painting. Gerard apparently has some very specific ideas about how paintings should be hung and he feels that what the handyman is doing is decidedly incorrect. 

Eventually, Gerard takes over the whole procedure and Frank is impressed to discover that he actually handles tools quite well. 

The painting is hung beautifully and Gerard has just finished putting away all the tools when the shelter vet comes in to check on one of their new dogs. Frank walks back with the vet. Gerard follows them into the kennel. Frank is immediately annoyed when he sees what’s happening in the new dog’s crate. The new dog is named Reliable and he’s here because he had a curious run in with a lawnmower, resulting in the loss of a toe. He was supposed to be a show dog, but he can’t now that he’s less than perfect and so his owners brought him here. Frank doesn’t let his mind go on an angry tangent about people who only own dogs in order to show them. He walks quickly to the cage that Reliable is sharing with a male Mastiff named Hercules, who won’t stop humping him. “Hercules! Stop that! Reliable is _not_ gay! He doesn’t want you.”

He hears Gerard cracking up behind him as he opens the crate. “How do you know he’s not gay?” he asks through his laughter.

“Well, just look at him!” Frank gestures toward the dog, who’s lying on his side looking miserable and trying to ignore the persistent dog humping urgently on top of him. “Does he look like he’s enjoying that?” 

Gerard shakes his head, still laughing a little. “I suppose not.”

Frank pulls Hercules off of poor Reliable. “I’m sorry, man, it’s not personal. Rely likes you, just not _that_ way.”

Frank’s surprised when Gerard comes into the crate behind him and kneels down to pet Reliable. Big dogs aren’t usually his thing and these two are not exactly small. “This dog is really cute, though.” Gerard says. “You call him Reliable?”

“Yeah, like ‘my Grandpappy Old Reliable’ from Lady and the Tramp,” Frank explains.

“Ah okay.” Gerard is sitting down in front of the dog now, petting his head and smoothing his hands over his silky ears while the vet checks to see how he’s healing after being neutered a couple days ago.

The vet says everything looks fine and leaves, but Gerard seems hesitant to go. “Is this dog up for adoption?” Frank nods as Gerard keeps talking. “Because I kind of want to take him home with me.”

Frank’s nods immediately turn to him shaking his head violently and waving his hands while saying, “No, no, no, no, no, no.” Gerard looks at him questioningly. “Gerard, this is a purebred German Shorthaired Pointer. He’s only two. He’s like a big puppy still. You do not want this dog.”

“Yes I do!” Gerard argues. “Look at him, he likes me. He’s perking up already since I’ve been in here.”

Frank realizes it’s true. The dog does seem to like Gerard, nuzzling his head into Gerard’s hand as he pets him. This is still a terrible idea, though. “Gee, this kind of dog is bred for hunting. They’re very high strung and excitable. They have a ridiculous amount of energy and need tons of exercise. They bark a lot and they’re just really, really high maintenance. It’s nothing against you, but I’m just not sure that you can handle him.”

Gerard looks at Frank thoughtfully, as he continues petting Reliable and eventually says, reasonably, “Frank, I think I can handle this dog, because if I can handle you, I can handle anything.”

_Fin_


End file.
